Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes (Read 450444 times)

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Grognard · « **Reply #1476 on:** May 25, 2021, 10:39:01 am »

now this was a bit before my time as a LEO, but I was told the story by a Detective Sgt. who was there and swears it to be true.
Now this is in Michigan, 1980, and the local PD brings in a guy who they are extremely sure has been burglarizing houses.They busted him with all the tools of the trade & his habits and fence reports all fit a long string of burglaries.
But this guy has been very smart and very carefully worn gloves all the time.So the evidence against him is very thin; a confession is needed.
A lie detector test is recommended, and a technician shows up. Unfortunately, somebody dropped the equipment case and the detector is non-functional.
But the Chief of Detectives has a great idea. The dept. just purchased a top of the line, brand new Xerox copier: all the futuristic bells and whistles. A few Police stickers hides the Xerox logos.
The detectives and the Technician make a big deal of wheeling it in and connecting all the Dectector's instrumentation cables to it.
The suspect starts to sweat as they connected the instruments to him.The interrogation begins with the Technician asking questions and a Detective quietly assisting at the Xerox 'detector'.
simple questions known true, produced a single sheet saying "TRUTH" - simple questions known to be false, produced a graph laden page saying "He LIES".
Apparently, it only took 15 minutes for the crook to cave & confess to a hugely LONG string of burglaries.

TLDR: Xerox machines can read minds.

booksmart · « **Reply #1477 on:** May 25, 2021, 11:22:13 am »

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #1478 on:** June 23, 2021, 09:29:23 am »

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little s___ is so adorable.

coelacanth · « **Reply #1479 on:** June 23, 2021, 03:58:21 pm »

They grow up so quickly these days . . .

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #1480 on:** July 03, 2021, 12:44:27 pm »

Three bulls hear the rancher is bringing another bull onto the ranch, and will most likely be reassigning cows to each one.

The first bull says to the others, “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

“I’ve been here three years,” says the second bull, “and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

“I’ve only been here a year,” the third bull says, “and so far, you guys have only let me have ten cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

Terrified, the bulls immediately change tack. “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend,” the first bull offers.

“I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument,” the second says.

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

“Son, don’t be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell the tale,” the first bull urges.

“Hell, he can have all my cows, the third bull responds. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

coelacanth · « **Reply #1481 on:** July 03, 2021, 04:33:33 pm »

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #1482 on:** July 12, 2021, 01:29:09 pm »

When you're over 65......... who cares

I was standing at the bar at the Legion post one night minding my own business
when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen"
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're over 65............who cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk ...
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please"
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'..."
When you're over 65...........who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman at the Legion last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and
got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.";
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're over 65...........who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then.. try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the groin, but...
When you're over 65..............who cares?

*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Meh, when you're over 65.............who cares?

**********

I went to our Legion last night and saw a
BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you're over 65.............who cares!

coelacanth · « **Reply #1483 on:** July 12, 2021, 06:02:54 pm »

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #1484 on:** July 23, 2021, 10:20:30 am »

Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers. While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $150 the first time." And the Admiral continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $250. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $700. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship in the Fleet stood up in the crowd and inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #1485 on:** August 01, 2021, 08:12:20 am »

A mother was driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy?" the little girl asked. "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.."

"Okay", the little girl said. "How much do you weigh?" "Now really!" the mother said. "Those are personal questions and are none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly!"

The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play.

"My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl said to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32."

The mother was surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother was past surprised. She was shocked. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl said triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!"

"Really?" the mother asked. "Why?"

The little girl replied, "Because you got an "F" in sex"

Raptor · « **Reply #1486 on:** August 01, 2021, 11:44:16 am »

coelacanth · « **Reply #1487 on:** August 01, 2021, 02:29:47 pm »

Nice.

aikorob · « **Reply #1488 on:** August 08, 2021, 10:06:54 pm »

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people.
At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.
Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.
There's never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.
Within a week's time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one. He doesn't care that he can't drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people. Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.
His last meal request is a single banana.
When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.
The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.
His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death. They ask him what he'd like for his last meal.
"A single banana," he says.
"Oh, no you don't, you son of a b____. We're on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you're not escaping this time!" The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.
The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.
"Did you give him the banana?" demands the head guard.
"No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn't give it to him, we swear!" says one of the guards.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.

coelacanth · « **Reply #1489 on:** August 09, 2021, 04:49:23 pm »

. . . . .

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #1490 on:** August 17, 2021, 12:33:02 pm »

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me s___."

TRUE STORY

coelacanth · « **Reply #1491 on:** August 17, 2021, 12:39:55 pm »

Amen.

cpaspr · « **Reply #1492 on:** August 17, 2021, 06:45:56 pm »

Unfortunately, that's not really a joke, because it's all too often true.

goatroper · « **Reply #1493 on:** August 21, 2021, 09:49:08 am »

A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio . The Texas labour Departmentgot a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent aninvestigator out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded
the investigator.
“Well,” replied the rancher, “there’s my ranch hand who’s been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board.
“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus
free room and board.
“Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board.
But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps
with my wife occasionally.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to … the half-wit,” says the investigator.
“That would be me,” replied the rancher.

booksmart · « **Reply #1494 on:** August 22, 2021, 08:47:36 am »

coelacanth · « **Reply #1495 on:** August 22, 2021, 04:51:57 pm »

Nice.

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #1496 on:** August 24, 2021, 08:09:13 am »

Post #110, 12 years ago.

aikorob · « **Reply #1497 on:** August 31, 2021, 06:04:10 pm »

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

aikorob · « **Reply #1498 on:** August 31, 2021, 06:50:04 pm »

A man was taking his pregnant (with twins) wife to the hospital when he got into a bad car accident. Upon regaining consciousness, he finds his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting bedside.
He asks his brother how his wife is & his brother says,
"Don't worry, everyone is fine. In fact, you have a healthy son & daughter too...but the hospital was in a real hurry with the birth certificates and I had to name the kids, because you and your wife were both unconscious."
"Oh no," thought the husband, "what has he done now?"
"Well, what did you name them?" he asks. His brother says, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband says, "Why that's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
"Denephew"

The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the pizza store assistant manager came and unplugged it.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand and talking into his hand. The bar tender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bar tender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and 'hands' his hand to the bar tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender ... "I would never believe it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?" The bar tender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time.
Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bar tender goes into the men's room. There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god", said the bar tender,
"Did they rob you? How much did they get?"
The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!"

coelacanth · « **Reply #1499 on:** September 01, 2021, 12:36:57 am »

. . .