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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 338638 times)

Stevie-Ray

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1425 on: December 30, 2020, 11:09:47 am »
Just in time for the Holiday season.......

 A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The husband
wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back
in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they
still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on his cell.
The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and
you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at
the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do
remember that shop", she replied.
 
"I'm in the bar next to that."
MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

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    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1426 on: December 31, 2020, 12:29:11 pm »
     :rotfl 
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1427 on: January 01, 2021, 09:43:23 pm »
    Don't know if this will be an excellent memorial service....................or a cut rate cremation.
    Or some weird Arkansas apocalypse combination of both.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1428 on: January 02, 2021, 10:06:54 am »

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1429 on: January 04, 2021, 12:58:28 am »
    Show and tell .  .  .   :whistle.   :shrug
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1430 on: January 04, 2021, 11:36:16 am »
    I mean... if there's one place I'd be worried about combination services being offered... that's pretty much at the center of the crossroads, right there.

    Langenator

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1431 on: January 04, 2021, 08:21:59 pm »
    What, not a combination veterinarian and Chinese restaurant?
    TexasFortuna Fortis Paratus

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1432 on: January 05, 2021, 03:28:35 pm »
    There's a list.

    That would be on it.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1433 on: January 05, 2021, 03:51:54 pm »
    They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,
    and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
    sometimes it is embarrassing.

    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
    Who insists you tell her what is wrong with you
    In a room full of other patients.
    I know most of us have experienced this,
    And I love the way this old guy handled it.

    A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room
    And approached the desk. The Receptionist said,
    'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said,
    'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room
    And say things like that.

    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong
    And I told you,' he said.

    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused
    Some embarrassment in this room full of people.
    You should have said there is something wrong
    With your ear or something and discussed
    the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions
    In a roomful of strangers, if the answer
    could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
    Waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
    Knowing he had taken her advice.

    'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    cpaspr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1434 on: January 05, 2021, 06:27:15 pm »
     :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
    Oregon

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1435 on: January 05, 2021, 11:58:06 pm »
     :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1436 on: January 13, 2021, 01:22:40 pm »
    A friend told me about his trip out with his grandson.  This is what he said.  "Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.  My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace."
    As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.  Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.  And liberty, peace & justice for all.  Amen!"
    Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country.  Kids today don't even know how to pray.  Asking God for ice cream!  Why -- I never!" …  Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa?  Is God mad at me?"
    After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.  He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."  "Really?" my grandson asked.
    "Cross my heart," the man replied.  Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.  A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.
    Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.  My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.  He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
    With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am,  this is for you, you grouchy old bag.  You must be a Democrat. Shove it up your ass and cool off!"

    Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? He will make a fine Marine one day.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1437 on: January 13, 2021, 10:44:44 pm »
     :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Woofr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1438 on: January 18, 2021, 02:37:52 pm »
    The Gorilla and the Redneck:

    A small zoo in  Georgia obtained a very
    rare species of gorilla.

    Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female,
    became very difficult to handle. Upon
    examination, the veterinarian determined
    the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To
    make matters worse, there was no male
    gorilla available.

    Thinking about their problem, the Zoo
    Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
    redneck part-time worker responsible for
    cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee,
    like most rednecks, had little sense but
    possessed ample ability to satisfy a
    female of any species.

    The Zoo Keeper thought they might have
    a solution. Bobby Lee was approached
    with a proposition. Would he be willing
    to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

    Bobby Lee showed some interest, but
    said he would have to think the matter
    over carefully. The following day, he
    announced that he would accept their
    offer, but only under five conditions:

    "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna
    kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly
    agreed to this condition.

    "Second", he said, "She must wear a
    'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
    keeper again readily agreed to this
    condition.

    "Third", he said, "you can't never tell no
    one about this." The keeper again
    readily agreed to this condition.

    "And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need
    another week to come up with the $500.00.
    Montana

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1439 on: Yesterday at 11:52:30 am »
    a few pics from the interwebs
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1440 on: Yesterday at 12:52:29 pm »

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