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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 361618 times)

lesptr

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1400 on: July 19, 2020, 05:55:45 pm »
since someone posted a medieval tune recently,  ........................
Georgia

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    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1401 on: July 19, 2020, 06:01:58 pm »
     :thumbup1
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1402 on: July 19, 2020, 08:27:14 pm »
    some more memes gathered from the interwebs:
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1403 on: July 19, 2020, 09:47:32 pm »
     :rotfl    "Grandpa, tell us again about the time the robot suck-wobbly called a bad thing and it scared Grandma and ate Fluffy!"   
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1404 on: August 05, 2020, 12:36:35 pm »
    Job Posting:

     A retired man who is generally under challenged by his responsibilities as a board member of a condo went into the Job Center  in Richmond just to see what kind of positions might be available. Most of the work didn't suit him and he wasn't qualified for many others. But then he saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

     

    The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently remove hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.The clerk noted that the annual salary is $65,000, and that you'll have to go to Chesapeake. "Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?" "No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."---
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    goatroper

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1405 on: August 10, 2020, 07:30:31 pm »
    Alcoa® and Planters Peanuts™ secretly rule the world.  They

    call themselves the Aluminutty.
    VirginiaGoatroper

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1406 on: August 10, 2020, 11:06:38 pm »
     :facepalm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1407 on: August 20, 2020, 04:46:30 pm »
    Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

    He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

    One morning the shoeshine asks the CEO:

    - What do you think about the situation in the stock market?

     The CEO asks in arrogantly: Why are you so interested in that - that topic?

    "I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

    What is your name?  –Asks the CEO.

     John Smith H.

     

    The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:

     Do we have a client named John Smith H.?

    Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer.  He has a million dollars in his account.

     The CEO comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:

    Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life.  I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

     

      At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members:

     We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine;  But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account.  I invited him to tell us the story of his life.  I am sure we can learn from him.

     

      Mr. Smith began his story:

     I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.  I got off the ship without a penny.  The first thing I did was change my name to Smith.  I was hungry and exhausted.  I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.  Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk.  I bought an apple.  I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.  I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money.  I also sold them and continued in business.  When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.  I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive.  I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele.  I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.  After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients.  I did not spend a penny on the joys of life.  I kept saving every penny.  A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location.

     Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1408 on: August 21, 2020, 12:41:45 am »
     :cool 
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    cpaspr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1409 on: August 21, 2020, 03:02:42 pm »
     :facepalm
    Oregon

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1410 on: August 26, 2020, 12:45:05 pm »
    In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem

    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.
    After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

     

    At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.
    The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.
    The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

     

    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures.
    So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.
    Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

     

    The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning.

    They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

     

    But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy!
    They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.
    Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

     

    And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.
    They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
    They haven't seen a squirrel since.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1411 on: August 26, 2020, 09:09:43 pm »
     :rotfl .  .  .  :clap
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1412 on: September 25, 2020, 03:23:08 pm »
    Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life, ol' woman!!"

    Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared.

    He died at the ripe old age of 98.

    After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

    She replied, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside-down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1413 on: September 25, 2020, 10:51:31 pm »
     :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1414 on: October 03, 2020, 12:20:39 pm »
    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…

    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

    I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

    "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

    "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

    One day he was setting off to go hunting.

    In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

    "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

    He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

    Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

    "Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

    Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

    The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1415 on: October 03, 2020, 05:42:42 pm »
    ( rim shot sound effect )  :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1416 on: November 16, 2020, 02:54:42 pm »
    While riding my Yamaha, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
    "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    "My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1417 on: November 16, 2020, 04:08:09 pm »
     :whistle
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1418 on: December 05, 2020, 08:06:28 am »
    Diary of a new Michigan snow shoveler.
    December 8 - 6:00 PM
    It started to snow.
    The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
    It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
    So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
    I love snow!
    December 9
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
    What a fantastic sight!
    Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world?
    Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
    Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
    I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
    This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
    What a perfect life!
    December 12
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
    Such a disappointment!
    My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
    No snow on Christmas would be awful!
    Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again
    I don't think that's possible.
    Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
    December 14
    Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.
    The temperature dropped to -20.
    The cold makes everything sparkle so.
    The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
    This is the life!
    The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
    I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
    I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
    December 15
    20 inches forecast.
    Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
    Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
    Stocked the freezer.
    The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
    I think that's silly.
    We aren't in Alaska, after all.
    December 16
    Ice storm this morning.
    Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.
    Hurt like hell.
    The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
    December 17
    Still way below freezing.
    Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
    Electricity was off for 5 hours.
    I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
    Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
    Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
    God I hate it when she's right.
    I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
    December 20
    Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.
    More shoveling!
    Took all day.
    The damn snowplow came by twice.
    Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.
    I think they're lying.
    Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
    Might have another shipment in March.
    I think they're lying.
    Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
    I think he's lying.
    December 22
    Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white s___ fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.
    Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.
    By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
    Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the a______ is lying.
    December 23
    Only 2 inches of snow today
    And it warmed up to 0.
    The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
    What is she, nuts?!!
    Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
    She says she did but I think she's lying.
    December 24
    6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
    Thought I was having a heart attack.
    If I ever catch the son of a b____ who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
    I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
    Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
    December 25
    Merry freaking Christmas!
    20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -Snowed in.
    The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
    God, I hate the snow!
    Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
    The wife says I have a bad attitude.
    I think she's an idiot.
    If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
    December 26
    Still snowed in.
    Why the hell did I ever move here?
    It was all HER idea.
    She's really getting on my nerves.
    December 27
    Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
    December 28
    Warmed up to above -20.
    Still snowed in.
    The b____ is driving me crazy!!!
    December 29
    10 more inches.
    Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
    That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
    December 30
    Roof caved in.
    I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
    The wife went home to her mother.
    Nine more inches predicted.
    December 31
    I set fire to what's left of the house.
    No more shoveling.
    January 8
    Feel so good.
    I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
    Why am I tied to the bed?
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1419 on: December 05, 2020, 11:17:31 pm »
    I've absorbed so much sanitizer by now, every time I pee I clean the toilet. 
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1420 on: December 08, 2020, 06:57:57 pm »
    For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.

    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today.  Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1421 on: December 08, 2020, 07:06:21 pm »
     :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Grognard

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1422 on: December 18, 2020, 12:58:20 pm »
    Great quality jokes here.   ;D
    If I lean any harder on the like button, I'll have to call it

    Alzheimers.
    Virginia“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” -Aristotle

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1423 on: December 20, 2020, 11:32:18 am »
    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar.

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,  "What are the three tests?"
    "You gotta pay first,"  says the bartender, "those are the rules."
    So, after thinking it over  a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to  do: 
    FIRST-  You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

    "SECOND- There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad  tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

    "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."


    The man is stunned!  "I know I paid my $10  -- but I'm not stupid!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do those other things!"
    "Your call," says the  bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
    As time goes on, the  man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
    He grabs the bottle with  both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears  stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit  bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud  growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

    He  drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1424 on: December 24, 2020, 06:03:36 pm »
    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar.

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,  "What are the three tests?"
    "You gotta pay first,"  says the bartender, "those are the rules."
    So, after thinking it over  a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to  do: 
    FIRST-  You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

    "SECOND- There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad  tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

    "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."


    The man is stunned!  "I know I paid my $10  -- but I'm not stupid!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do those other things!"
    "Your call," says the  bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
    As time goes on, the  man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
    He grabs the bottle with  both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears  stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit  bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud  growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

    He  drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

    I've heard this one before. I love it  :rotfl .
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

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