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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 332974 times)

lesptr

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1400 on: July 19, 2020, 05:55:45 pm »
since someone posted a medieval tune recently,  ........................
Georgia

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    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1401 on: July 19, 2020, 06:01:58 pm »
     :thumbup1
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1402 on: July 19, 2020, 08:27:14 pm »
    some more memes gathered from the interwebs:
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1403 on: July 19, 2020, 09:47:32 pm »
     :rotfl    "Grandpa, tell us again about the time the robot suck-wobbly called a bad thing and it scared Grandma and ate Fluffy!"   
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1404 on: August 05, 2020, 12:36:35 pm »
    Job Posting:

     A retired man who is generally under challenged by his responsibilities as a board member of a condo went into the Job Center  in Richmond just to see what kind of positions might be available. Most of the work didn't suit him and he wasn't qualified for many others. But then he saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

     

    The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently remove hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.The clerk noted that the annual salary is $65,000, and that you'll have to go to Chesapeake. "Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?" "No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."---
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    goatroper

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1405 on: August 10, 2020, 07:30:31 pm »
    Alcoa® and Planters Peanuts™ secretly rule the world.  They

    call themselves the Aluminutty.
    VirginiaGoatroper

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1406 on: August 10, 2020, 11:06:38 pm »
     :facepalm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1407 on: August 20, 2020, 04:46:30 pm »
    Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

    He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

    One morning the shoeshine asks the CEO:

    - What do you think about the situation in the stock market?

     The CEO asks in arrogantly: Why are you so interested in that - that topic?

    "I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

    What is your name?  –Asks the CEO.

     John Smith H.

     

    The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:

     Do we have a client named John Smith H.?

    Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer.  He has a million dollars in his account.

     The CEO comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:

    Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life.  I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

     

      At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members:

     We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine;  But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account.  I invited him to tell us the story of his life.  I am sure we can learn from him.

     

      Mr. Smith began his story:

     I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.  I got off the ship without a penny.  The first thing I did was change my name to Smith.  I was hungry and exhausted.  I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.  Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk.  I bought an apple.  I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.  I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money.  I also sold them and continued in business.  When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.  I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive.  I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele.  I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.  After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients.  I did not spend a penny on the joys of life.  I kept saving every penny.  A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location.

     Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1408 on: August 21, 2020, 12:41:45 am »
     :cool 
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    cpaspr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1409 on: August 21, 2020, 03:02:42 pm »
     :facepalm
    Oregon

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1410 on: August 26, 2020, 12:45:05 pm »
    In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem

    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.
    After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

     

    At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.
    The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.
    The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

     

    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures.
    So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.
    Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

     

    The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning.

    They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

     

    But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy!
    They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.
    Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

     

    And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.
    They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
    They haven't seen a squirrel since.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1411 on: August 26, 2020, 09:09:43 pm »
     :rotfl .  .  .  :clap
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1412 on: September 25, 2020, 03:23:08 pm »
    Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life, ol' woman!!"

    Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared.

    He died at the ripe old age of 98.

    After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

    She replied, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside-down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1413 on: September 25, 2020, 10:51:31 pm »
     :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1414 on: October 03, 2020, 12:20:39 pm »
    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…

    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

    I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

    "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

    "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

    One day he was setting off to go hunting.

    In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

    "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

    He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

    Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

    "Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

    Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

    The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1415 on: October 03, 2020, 05:42:42 pm »
    ( rim shot sound effect )  :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1416 on: November 16, 2020, 02:54:42 pm »
    While riding my Yamaha, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
    "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    "My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1417 on: November 16, 2020, 04:08:09 pm »
     :whistle
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

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