The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[booksmart]

I thought it was going to be " Ikea's expanding their business model."

[WeTheArmed.com]

[aikorob]

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking
and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being
arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the
authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social
session" with family or friends. Well, this year, it happened to me. I was
out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled
with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican
restaurant.

Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over
the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before...I took a
taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a
taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These
roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to
take a taxi. This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a
taxi before. I don't even know where I got it, and now that it's in my
garage I don't know what to do with it.
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

[aikorob]

I wonder if my insurance covers this medication?

[coelacanth]

 

[booksmart]

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[First Shirt]

The old "That's when the fight started" , right?

The wife came into the den, and asked me what was on TV.  I said "Dust."  That's when the fight started.

For our anniversary, she said "Take me someplace I've never been."  So I took her to the kitchen.  TWTFS.

For her birthday, she said she wanted something shiny, that could go from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds.  So I bought her a scale.  TWTFS.

The other day, on my way to work, I rear-ended another car.  The other driver got out, and he was a dwarf!  He came stomping back, and said "I am NOT happy!"  I said "Well, which one are you, then?" TWTFS.

[coelacanth]

 

[First Shirt]

An Irishman walks into his house with a sheep on a leash.  He says "This is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache."

His wife says "You're an idiot, that's not a pig, that's a sheep!"

He says "I was talking to the sheep."

[cpaspr]

An Irishman walks into his house with a sheep on a leash.  He says "This is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache."

His wife says "You're an idiot, that's not a pig, that's a sheep!"

He says "I was talking to the sheep."

And TWTFS

[Raptor]

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads:

"Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"

[coelacanth]

 

[MTK20]

Raptor's made me laugh  .

[First Shirt]

Raptor's made me laugh  .

In a similar vein;

A wealthy woman once commissioned a mural to be painted in her lavish mansion.  She gave the artist free rein, telling him that she wanted him to paint something that depicted a great man's thoughts at a particular moment in history.

Several months went by, and finally, he told her it was ready.  She scheduled a gala event for the great unveiling, and with all her friends there, the artist dropped the canvas that covered his great work.

It showed a fish with a halo, and a group of Native Americans in various positions of sexual activity.

The lady was furious!  "I asked for a great man's thoughts at a particular moment in history, and you give me this?  What is this garbage?"

He calmly replied, "It was General Custer's last thought:  Holy Mackeral, Look at all them f**kin' Indians!"

[coelacanth]

 

[coelacanth]

Mrs. c even cracked up at that one.   

[Grant]

  Lol I like those last two.

   I perused my jokes and only found a couple suitable for this forum 

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?


Banned from the petting zoo.

 

[coelacanth]

 

[MTK20]

In a similar vein;

A wealthy woman once commissioned a mural to be painted in her lavish mansion.  She gave the artist free rein, telling him that she wanted him to paint something that depicted a great man's thoughts at a particular moment in history.

Several months went by, and finally, he told her it was ready.  She scheduled a gala event for the great unveiling, and with all her friends there, the artist dropped the canvas that covered his great work.

It showed a fish with a halo, and a group of Native Americans in various positions of sexual activity.

The lady was furious!  "I asked for a great man's thoughts at a particular moment in history, and you give me this?  What is this garbage?"

He calmly replied, "It was General Custer's last thought:  Holy Mackeral, Look at all them f**kin' Indians!"

 

  Lol I like those last two.

   I perused my jokes and only found a couple suitable for this forum 

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?


Banned from the petting zoo.

 

  I wouldn't take you as being the 'dirty joke' type, Grant  .

[Kaso]

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?


Banned from the petting zoo.

That, or a leadership position in the taliban.

[First Shirt]

I told this one to the plant manager.  Before I started, I said "You aren't Catholic, are you?"  He said "Yes, I am!"  I said, "Good, then I won't have to explain it to you."

A young man goes to confession, and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  Since my last confession, I've had intimate relations with a young lady."

The priest asks "Was is Alice Goblonski?"

The young man replies, "No, Father!"

"Was it Jennifer Murphy?"

"No, Father!"

"Was it Angela Donotelli?"

"No, Father!"

Finally, the priest says "Well, say 10 Our Fathers, and 10 Hail Marys.  Go, and sin no more."

As the young man comes out of the church after his penance, he's met by a friend, who asks "Well, what did you get?"
The young man replied, "I got 10 Our Fathers, 10 Hail Marys, and three really good leads!"

[MTK20]

I told this one to the plant manager.  Before I started, I said "You aren't Catholic, are you?"  He said "Yes, I am!"  I said, "Good, then I won't have to explain it to you."

A young man goes to confession, and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  Since my last confession, I've had intimate relations with a young lady."

The priest asks "Was is Alice Goblonski?"

The young man replies, "No, Father!"

"Was it Jennifer Murphy?"

"No, Father!"

"Was it Angela Donotelli?"

"No, Father!"

Finally, the priest says "Well, say 10 Our Fathers, and 10 Hail Marys.  Go, and sin no more."

As the young man comes out of the church after his penance, he's met by a friend, who asks "Well, what did you get?"
The young man replied, "I got 10 Our Fathers, 10 Hail Marys, and three really good leads!"

I approve!   

[First Shirt]

One more religious joke, then I'm going to quit before Father Donnelly kicks my butt!

And old man, at least 80 and leaning on a cane goes into St. Bernadette's, goes into the confessional, and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest says "How have you sinned, my son?"

The old man says "There's a young lady down the street, she's 28, she's gorgeous, and we get together two or three times a week, and make mad, passionate love for hours!  We've been doing this for a couple of months, and it just keeps getting better!"

Concerned, the priest asks "Well, how long has it been since your last confession?"

The old man replies "I've never been to confession, Father.  I'm not Catholic."

The priest, outraged, says "If you aren't Catholic, why are you telling me this?"

The old man laughs, and says "Are you kidding, Father?  I'm telling EVERYBODY this!"

[Raptor]

I told this one to the plant manager.  Before I started, I said "You aren't Catholic, are you?"  He said "Yes, I am!"  I said, "Good, then I won't have to explain it to you."

A young man goes to confession, and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  Since my last confession, I've had intimate relations with a young lady."

The priest asks "Was is Alice Goblonski?"

The young man replies, "No, Father!"

"Was it Jennifer Murphy?"

"No, Father!"

"Was it Angela Donotelli?"

"No, Father!"

Finally, the priest says "Well, say 10 Our Fathers, and 10 Hail Marys.  Go, and sin no more."

As the young man comes out of the church after his penance, he's met by a friend, who asks "Well, what did you get?"
The young man replied, "I got 10 Our Fathers, 10 Hail Marys, and three really good leads!"

My ex-Catholic mother told me that one, only the confessor was an altar boy, the punishment was three Hail Mary's and being barred from performing his duties for the next four weeks, and the punchline was "A month off and three great leads!"

[First Shirt]

Ya gotta be Catholic to come up with the good Catholic jokes.  Just like you've got to be Polish to know all the good Polish jokes.  Or Irish, etc.

[Grant]

I wouldn't take you as being the 'dirty joke' type, Grant  .

  In the same way Catholics come up with catholic jokes, Polish for Pollock jokes,etc.  I (being 1/8th jew) have horrific jew jokes as my specialty.   Any of you other holes tell them you're being racist 

That said I still am unsure if I can post them here.....

I'll start out with a better one:

 Q: You always heard there's safety in numbers?

  A: Tell that to Six Million Jews.




   FWIW I ran these by my wife and she said I needed to post a disclaimer that she thought ALL of them were terrible and vetoed like two dozen.    Her vote was for this clean one:



 Q: Why did Moses and the Jews wander 40 years in the desert?

  A: Someone dropped a quarter.