The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[Chrissmitty820]

I heard about a startup company selling exploding prayer mats...apparently business is booming, profits are going through the roof.

And Prophets, too! 

[WeTheArmed.com]

[aikorob]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tomphillips/how-the-media-will-report-the-apocalypse

[aikorob]

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a game out of it.

He says he’ll introduce his mother to three women and see if she can guess which one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to go along with the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother: “OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?”

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies: “The one in the middle.”

The young man is astounded. “How in the world did you figure it out?”


“Easy,” she says. “I don’t like her.”

[Grognard]

Doctors vs. Guns

Doctors:
• The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000

•  Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000

•  Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.


Guns:
•  The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000

•  The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500

•  The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of F.B.I.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

 Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

 FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.

 Please alert your friends to this alarming threat immediatly. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

Note: Out of concern for the public at large, the statistics on lawyers have been withheld for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
 

[coelacanth]

  .   .   .  .   .   . 

[Stevie-Ray]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

[Stevie-Ray]

Kids say the greatest things!
>
> >
> > The Ocean  ALL you Need to Know!!
> > Children Writing About the Ocean!.
> >
> > 1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
> >
> > 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
> >
> > 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
> > have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
> >
> > 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
> > Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
> >
> > 5) - A dolphin breathes through an an a***ole on the top of its head.
> > (Billy, age 8)
> >
> > 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
> > pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
> >
> > 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
> > ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
> > to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
> > off eating beans. (William, age 7)
> >
> > 8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
> > I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
> > Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
> >
> > 9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
> > always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
> > just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
> >
> > 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
> > give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
> > they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
> >
> > 11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
> > willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
> >
> > 12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
> > go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
> >
> > 13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
> > going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
> > up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
> >
> > 14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
> > I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
> >
> > 15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
> > What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
> > (James, age 7)

[Stevie-Ray]

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
 "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
 "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ."
 "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."
 "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
 The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".
 Sarah replies, "Property? The jackass has a paper route!"

[aikorob]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP,
MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

HER FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL
HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS
IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE
ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING
WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR. SHE SAYS,  "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO
MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.

[Raptor]

A nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. She sighs and says, "oh, some @$$hole has my pen."

[coelacanth]

 

[aikorob]

From Canada (supposedly):

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto . I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
 
 That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
 
 Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
 
 Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret,"  with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
 
 Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called  "Morehammered."
 
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.

[PatCarver]

There is a new self help group for people who cannot stop talking.  It is called OnAndOnAndOnAnon.  But the meetings go forever!

[aikorob]

Gun Control; It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer .

I still don't think I looked that bad.

[MTK20]

^

[coelacanth]

 

[aikorob]

    A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

    A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

    "No, they went to town."

    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

    "No, he went with Mom and Dad."

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself,
    when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad,
    about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

    The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that.
    I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

[Kaso]

That is truly funny.  Though, the stud fee for the hog sounds a bit high...



Kaso

[Langenator]

I'm gonna appropriate that one.

[booksmart]

Sent from my iPad using a bunch of electrons, copper, and probably some fiber optic cable

[aikorob]

I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.
If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves . . .
With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers."

[sarge712]

What does a sperm cell and a lawyer have in common? They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being one day

[coelacanth]

Ouch.   Funny, but ouch. 

[aikorob]

Thor, in the comics, is now a female.

Wait a minute.

Disney corp owns Marvel.
Thor is a Marvel character.
Thor's father is Odin, king of the Norse Gods.
Thor is now Female.
Thor is now a Disney Princess.   

[coelacanth]

You mean like Miley Cyrus?         This could end badly.  Very badly.