The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[mephisto]

<rim shot>

[WeTheArmed.com]

[Grognard]

   Really Bad Jokes 
1.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
 The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
2.   Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
 one of them would have seen it.
3.  Two fat guys are sitting in a bar, one says to the other "Your round." The other one replies: "So are you, you fat bum!"
4.   Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery  acid, and the other was eating fireworks.                          They charged one and let  the other one off.
 

 
 

[aikorob]

just to freak people out

[coelacanth]

Nice.   

[booksmart]

Banana pudding would look like spoiled mayonnaise... freak people out even more... maybe mix in some pistachio, w/ the vanilla?

[Coronach]

Once at BSA summer camp we had a guy take a huge bite of mayo, thinking it was vanilla pudding. They we serving sandwiches, and the condiments (catsup, mayo, mustard and relish) were served in bowls at each table, with spoons. Dessert would come out after the main course was cleared. So, why Brian thought we had a random bowl of vanilla pudding in the middle of the table on sandwich day, I have no idea. All I know is he asked, "Doesn't ANYONE want any pudding?" and I replied immediately, "No, dude, it's all you" and slid the bowl over to him.

Mike

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using Tapatalk 2

[coelacanth]

There's a Miracle Whip commercial in there somewhere .   .    .   

[Storyteller]

Took a young lady to an  O club buffet one time. She mistook the horseradish for butter and threw a healthy glop on her potato. Needless to say, it was a short evening.     She married my bartender. Lucky sob.

[booksmart]

  How bad was the lighting, that she mistook horseradish for butter?! 

[Storyteller]

Dim, very very dim.     In her defence. It did look a little like whipped "butter". Remember, this was an O club. They kept it dark.

[booksmart]

Dim, very very dim.

The lighting, or the date?  Ba-dum-tish...

[coelacanth]

What's wrong with horseradish on potatoes?   

[Chief45]

Here is a fun one.  Ronald Reagan humor.

[aikorob]

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

 A family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying, "I am not sure that is a duck."
 
A psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it saying, “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

 A surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. 

He then turns to a pathologist and says, "check if that was a duck."

[aikorob]

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. 

He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married.

And she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

[coelacanth]

 

[Stevie-Ray]

This is a problem that is going around,

A.A.A.D.D..
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! P..S I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry...

[coelacanth]

 

[aikorob]

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yup sure did!'
'Did they chop ya'all firewood?'
'Yup!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

[goatroper]

WHY WE SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS


     

     

    I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.


    "This is the 21st century Grandpa”, she said.  "We don't waste money on newspapers, here, use my iPad."
     
    I can tell you this.


     


    That fly never knew what hit him.

[Wolf-Dragon]

 

[fnfnc64]

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

bum-duck?         I think I work there...............(not at the police station though)

[cpaspr]

WHY WE SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS


     

     

    I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.


    "This is the 21st century Grandpa”, she said.  "We don't waste money on newspapers, here, use my iPad."
     
    I can tell you this.


     


    That fly never knew what hit him.

I was expecting a bottom of the birdcage usage, or wrapping up a fish for the freezer.  But the fly was better.

[sarge712]

Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

[coelacanth]

23)  Eat thunderberries the night before and see how many people you can make get off on the wrong floor.