The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[Langenator]

Yup.  I've seen the Irish one as well, except it was Russian yoga.

[WeTheArmed.com]

[dasol]

From an email I got today.. it gave me a chuckle.

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

[Thernlund]

That's going right on to Facebook.


-T.

[coelacanth]

OOORAAHHH!

[LouisCQ1971]

 
 

 
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into  the lion's cage. 
 
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. 

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. 
 
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life." 

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right." 

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' 

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican." 

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

 

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

 
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days
++++++++++++++++++++++++

[HMPlatinum]

Somewhere, deep down inside, my inner Devil-Dog wants to strangle a reporter.

[Gunnguy]

Three buddies were having a beer at a local pub and were arguing over what was the toughest people to kill.

"Taliban!" Said one guy. "They hide like rabbits and pop up again even after you have napalmed their hideouts!"

"No no no! Hezbolah!" Said another. "They are well organized and hide among the civilians so well, even the civilians don't know who they are!"

"Nah! It's Hamas!" The last one said. "They own the Lebanon Parliment, have deep ties to Iran, are well trained, and are fearless when faced with death!"

Overhearing the conversation, the old bartender spoke up. "You are all wrong! Every one of ya!" He chided them.

The three guys turned and asked the old fart what he thought was the toughest people to kill.

Without a flinch the old bartender gave them both barrels of his opinion.
"It's the reporters!"

"Reporters?" The three guys replied laughing.

"Yup! They are spineless to speak up and stand for what is right! Gutless when it comes to telling the real truth! Blind as to the corruption in front of them! Whore themselves to the highest bidder! And their head and backsides are interchangeable when ever they aren't engaged in anal-cranial obfuscation!" he finished.

"So why are they harder to kill?" asked the curious men.

"Well, by law you can't kill someone who is deaf, dumb, blind, gutless, spineless, a whore, or is an outright liar with their head up their ass!"

[Stevie-Ray]

 VERY  BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.  

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t___ in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.  

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.  

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
 
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably never be able to support you.  

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.  

If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the front door, who do you let  in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
 
*********************************************************************************************

We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.  
  
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!  
1.   Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

************************************************************************************************


RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Chief45]

Women do not Belch, Burp or Fart.










































Therefore, they must b*tch, or blow up.

[coelacanth]

   You guys are killin' me. 

[CameronS]

All of those are so so so true . . .

[FMJ]

How do you please a woman with only 3.5"?

[Chief45]

Man walks in to a bar,  tells the bartender he'll have a Bin Ladan.

Bartender thinks and then says,  I don't know that one, what is it.

Man reply's  "2 shots and a splash".

[coelacanth]

Man walks in to a bar,  tells the bartender he'll have a Bin Ladan.

Bartender thinks and then says,  I don't know that one, what is it.

Man reply's  "2 shots and a splash".

rimshot .  .  .  .

[FMJ]

A Management Lesson

Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.

One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Michael said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,

'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,



'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.









I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 64.)

A little concerned about his comment, I couldn't resist asking, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke, drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all that red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me smiled and said... 'Then, why do you even give a damn?
__________________

A priest took a vacation to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and began fighting it. A few minutes later the guide, holding a landing net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a B****!" "Please, my son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for." No, Father, you don't understand" explained the guide, "That's the species of fish you have hooked; it's called a 'Son of a B****' fish!"

"Really?" asked the surprised priest, "Well then, would you please net the Son of a B****?"

Once the fish was aboard, the guide marveled at its size.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a B**** I've ever seen!"

"It really IS a big Son of a B****" the priest beamed, "What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. I promise, you've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a B****."

Elated, the priest headed home. While unloading his fishing tackle and prize catch at the church's back door, Sister Mary appeared and Inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this huge Son of a B**** I caught!" the priest gushed, opening his ice chest.

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father, such language from a priest!" "It's Okay, Sister. According to my guide, that's the species of fish this one is, it's called a 'Son of a B**** fish'." "Oh, well then...what are you going to do with that huge Son of a B****?"

"Eat it! My guide said they're great!"

Sister Mary then informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days. "Why don't I clean that Son of a B**** for you, and we'll cook it for this special occasion," she volunteered.

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything went perfectly. The wine was fine, the fish excellent.

The Pope leaned back from his plate and said, "This is absolutely marvelous fish -- where did you buy it?"

"We didn't buy it, Your Holiness; I caught that Son of a B**** myself!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned and cooked the Son of a B****!," exclaimed the Sister.

The Pope looked silently at each of them. Glancing around the dining room, he saw they were alone. A big grin spread across his face as he leaned across the table and whispered, "Go get us some more wine. You ****ers are my kind of people".

[Stevie-Ray]

~One morning 3 North Carolina good ole boys and 3 Yankees were in a
ticket line at the Columbia train station heading to Charlotte for a
big football game.
The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the
3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one
of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn." drawled one of the boys from the South.
When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the
3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the
door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The Conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea
indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return
trip and save some money.
That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train
station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their
astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the
perplexed Yankees.
"Watch and learn!" answered one of the Southern boys.
 
When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a
bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other
bathroom across from it.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their
bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on
the door and said "ticket please".
 
There's just no way ... on God's green earth ... to explain how the
Yankees won that damn war!

[Gunnguy]

Never think you can outsmart a woman:


One day a man and a woman were discussing restroom amenities and the Lady said,"In a woman's bathroom we have wonderful facilities. There are automated stalls. You press one for the biday that washes you with warm water afterwards, and two for a gentle blow dry, and three to have a soft powder of you bottom.
Needless to say the gentleman was impressed. So the next time he needed to go he snuck into the woman's bathroom and tried out the toilet. It was everything and more with polished marble floors, antique oak stalls, premium porcelain toilets. He observed several buttons and as he finished his business he pressed #1, a gentle flow of warm water washed him. He pressed #2 and a gentle blower dried him. He pressed #3 and a talc powder puff patted his bottom. He saw a #4 and looking around he pressed it. The most unimaginable pain hit him hard and he passed out. When he awoke with the paramedics around him he asked what happened. The female paramedic looked at him, tossed his dick onto his chest and said, "You hit the button for the automatic tampon remover, moron."

[cpaspr]

From an acquaintance:       
 
You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition stored in his  home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
 
My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter:  "Wow! He has .... about a million machine gun bullets."  The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache."
 
BTW, I am dubious about the pile of ammunition boxes and cans that they showed.  It looked big enough to contain no more than about 100,000 rounds, unless there was a lot of .22 rimfire ammo.
 
However, by southern California standards, even someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
 
In  Arizona , . .. . he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
 
In Texas , . .. . he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
 
In Utah , . .. .he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
 
In Wyoming , . .. .he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
 
In Idaho , . . . he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
 
And, in Montana , . . . he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

[Gunnguy]

 

[Stevie-Ray]

Super duper salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota.  Well, the
boss liked the kid and gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come
down after we close and See how you did.  His first day on the job was
rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers
bought something from you today?  
The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says,  "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?  The kid
says, "First I sold him a small fish hook."

Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need
a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft.
 
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'



*****************************************************************************************




Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.  Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...   
How soon can I go home?'


Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...


Done my part!!!

[coelacanth]

nice .  .  .

[FMJ]

[Splodge Of Doom]

When is a bus not a bus?

...

When it's turned into a street!

 

[wildsailer]

What do you do with a rhino with 3 balls?








You walk him and pitch to the elephant.

[fnfnc64]

Late breaking news today, the United States Navy has finally revealed the identity of the seal who shot ossama binladen's eye out.........
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