The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[coelacanth]

   Ouch!

[WeTheArmed.com]

[Mamba1-0]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies in front of the Super Fresh and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines door to door," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath

... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "IT IS dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush, for just $7.00? I used the President Obama method of giving you something crappy, that looks good, for free, and then making you pay through the nose to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

The teacher was speechless. .. . . . . .
 

[super_b AK]

My son's favorite

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks 

[Mamba1-0]

The testicles of a midget from Texas hurt real bad and ached almost all the time. So the midget decides to see a doctor about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started his exam. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look down, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he jumped around the room and discovered his testicles did not hurt anymore.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."
 

[coelacanth]

OK - should have seen that one coming. . .

[tactical22]

THE RECESSION HAS HIT EVERYBODY!


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are sleeping  with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in  Beverly Hills   fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in  Las Vegas   is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[coelacanth]

Rim shot. 

[FMJ]

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

[Chief45]

Boss goes to work one morning, having forgotten to zip up his pants.
His secretary notices and trying to be discrete, says "did you remember to close the garage door this morning ".   
Boss does not get the reference and goes on into this office.
Sometime later, he does notice, zips up, and then walks out to where his secretary is.
Boss says,  "I did get the garage closed,  while it was open, did you happen to notice my powerful HUMMVEE in there ?
Secretary replies "No, all I saw was a old minivan with 2 flat tires.

[FMJ]

Boss goes to work one morning, having forgotten to zip up his pants.
His secretary notices and trying to be discrete, says "did you remember to close the garage door this morning ".   
Boss does not get the reference and goes on into this office.
Sometime later, he does notice, zips up, and then walks out to where his secretary is.
Boss says,  "I did get the garage closed,  while it was open, did you happen to notice my powerful HUMMVEE in there ?
Secretary replies "No, all I saw was a old minivan with 2 flat tires.

[FMJ]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking
up on that morning... I went downstairs for breakfast hoping
my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone
'Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't
say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We
had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a
beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by
my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

[Sanguine]

Oh my.  Not what I was expecting!

[tactical22]

So THAT'S why they call it the "Birthday suit"...

[Mamba1-0]

I ROFLed .

Yes I did.

Right out loud.

  (stilldoin' it)

[Ulysses]

Black Holes: Because the alien equivalent of the Mafia needed somewhere to hide the bodies.

[FMJ]

Ex-wife had her credit card stolen. I never called it in because the thief spends less than she did.

[Splodge Of Doom]

This one may win me the bad taste joke of the year award, but never mind:

"I just lost my Japanese girlfriend."

"Don't worry, there are plenty more in the sea..."
 

[Chief45]

This one may win me the bad taste joke of the year award, but never mind:

"I just lost my Japanese girlfriend."

"Don't worry, there are plenty more in the sea..."
 

Lord, I apologize for that and for all the starving pygmies . . . . . .

 

[Splodge Of Doom]

They found out how bad Charlie Sheen's last overdose was - it was enough to kill two and a half men.

[Sanguine]

I had to wash my dolphins so I bought an all porpoise cleaner.

 

[FMJ]

[Raptor]

In the late 18th Century, a warship was patrolling the Spanish Main. One day, the lookout in the crow's nest calls down to the captain:

"Ahoy, Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The First Mate turns to the Captain and says, "Orders, sir?"

Captain says, "Make the ship ready for battle, but first bring my my Red Shirt!"

The First Mate is confused by this order, moreso because the Captain gives it every time they spot an enemy ship, but he complies. The Captain puts on his Red Shirt, and his ship engages the enemy ship. The battle is long and fierce, but eventually our warship prevails and sinks the enemy ship.

As the crew repairs the damage to their vessel, the First Mate asks the Captain, "Sir, forgive me, but why do you always insist on wearing that Red Shirt every time we go into battle?"

The Captain looks around to make sure none of the other crewmen are paying attention, then says, "Don't tell anyone, but I wear red so if I'm shot, the men won't notice I'm wounded and their resolve won't break and they'll continue to fight."

The First Mate is impressed. "That is very clever, Captain. I never would have thought of that.

The next day, the lookout calls down from the crow's nest: "Ahoy! I see TWENTY enemy ships on the horizon!"

Captain shouts: "Prepare the ship for battle, but first.... BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!!!!"



Think about it...

[Langenator]

In the late 18th Century, a warship was patrolling the Spanish Main. One day, the lookout in the crow's nest calls down to the captain:

"Ahoy, Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The First Mate turns to the Captain and says, "Orders, sir?"

Captain says, "Make the ship ready for battle, but first bring my my Red Shirt!"

The First Mate is confused by this order, moreso because the Captain gives it every time they spot an enemy ship, but he complies. The Captain puts on his Red Shirt, and his ship engages the enemy ship. The battle is long and fierce, but eventually our warship prevails and sinks the enemy ship.

As the crew repairs the damage to their vessel, the First Mate asks the Captain, "Sir, forgive me, but why do you always insist on wearing that Red Shirt every time we go into battle?"

The Captain looks around to make sure none of the other crewmen are paying attention, then says, "Don't tell anyone, but I wear red so if I'm shot, the men won't notice I'm wounded and their resolve won't break and they'll continue to fight."

The First Mate is impressed. "That is very clever, Captain. I never would have thought of that.

The next day, the lookout calls down from the crow's nest: "Ahoy! I see TWENTY enemy ships on the horizon!"

Captain shouts: "Prepare the ship for battle, but first.... BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!!!!"



Think about it...

Once upon a time, we did a version of this as a campfire skit at Scout camp, except the captain was counting guns on the enemy ships.

[Gunnguy]

A young couple couldn't keep their hands off each other. Everywhere they went they would sneak to some private place and make wild passionate love to each other. One day they were visiting the young lady's grand parents in an assisted living home. They got excited and snuck into the empty arboretum and had a quickie.
As they left an old lady looked at her friend and said,
"My my what a passionate couple. They must really love each other."

Her friend, an old spinster who was never married and swore off men said, "What are you talking about? I didn't get it."

Without skipping a beat the first old woman turned said. "At your age it's too late to start now."

[Mamba1-0]

THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

Please enjoy and understand the following:

DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND
DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

ONE TEQUILA,
TWO TEQUILA,
THREE TEQUILA,
FLOOR.

ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,
WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS
BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED,
CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? (my personal favorite)

HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:
THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS
ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A
CIVIL WAR?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS,
DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO,
WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED,
WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS"
INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? (another good one)

WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?