Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes (Read 450346 times)

FMJ · « **Reply #500 on:** January 03, 2011, 02:23:57 am »

That last post was hilarious.

WeTheArmed.com

Storyteller · « **Reply #501 on:** January 03, 2011, 06:29:26 pm »

Imn don't care were you're from, that there is funny.

FMJ · « **Reply #502 on:** January 08, 2011, 11:05:48 am »

FMJ · « **Reply #503 on:** January 13, 2011, 03:12:10 am »

(This one's just for Nightcrawler)

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #504 on:** January 19, 2011, 08:26:21 pm »

A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."

coelacanth · « **Reply #505 on:** January 19, 2011, 08:33:07 pm »

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #506 on:** January 19, 2011, 08:38:18 pm »

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this
morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs
he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also
struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was
strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress,
I informed both the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

FMJ · « **Reply #507 on:** January 20, 2011, 08:20:49 pm »

Raptor · « **Reply #508 on:** January 20, 2011, 09:03:20 pm »

ZeroTA · « **Reply #509 on:** January 20, 2011, 10:48:48 pm »

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #510 on:** January 29, 2011, 10:08:33 pm »

The Blue Pigeon.

The mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre
He could not remove the pigeons from the city.

All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city.
But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.

Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.

All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,
the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.
The mayor asked:

'Do you have a blue Muslim ??

coelacanth · « **Reply #511 on:** January 31, 2011, 03:35:04 am »

ouch. should have seen that one coming.

Unisaw · « **Reply #512 on:** February 01, 2011, 01:06:39 pm »

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "So, that's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

coelacanth · « **Reply #513 on:** February 01, 2011, 10:53:16 pm »

Sanguine · « **Reply #514 on:** February 01, 2011, 11:43:18 pm »

That will be remembered and retold!

Chrissmitty820 · « **Reply #515 on:** February 02, 2011, 01:23:26 am »

Didn't go thru the whole thread, so I hope this one hasn't been told-

A Texas Ranger was riding his trusty steed in the Old West. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he was surrounded by Indians. They captured him and took him back to their villiage, tying him up and throwing him in a teepee. After a while, the chief came to the Ranger and said "Council decide to give last wish. What is?"

The Ranger thought a minute, and said "Let me talk to my horse." The Chief grunted and led him out. The Ranger walked up to the horse and whispered in its ear. The noble beast wheeled and ran off towards town. A while later, the horse returned with a beautiful courtesan astride it. The Chief was impressesd. "Hmm..Good wish. Take teepee." The Ranger and the "Lady" went inside the teepee and entertained themselves.

After some time, the Chief approached the Ranger and said"hAve decided to grant another wish."

The Ranger told the chief "Need to speak to mah horse again." The Chief nodded, and the Ranger approached the horse. He whispered in its ear, and just like last time, spun in place and took off for town. A short time later, the horse returned, again with a lady rider. This one was more beautiful than the first, and carried a bottle of RedEye. The Chief was even more impressed, and told the Ranger to take the teepee for a spin again.

After the fun was over, the Chief came to talk to the Ranger one more time. "Last two wishes very good. Make one last." The Ranger went up to his horse, grabbed him by the ear and got real close.

"POSSE, YOU IDIOT!! POSSE!"

coelacanth · « **Reply #516 on:** February 02, 2011, 01:37:29 am »

FMJ · « **Reply #517 on:** February 02, 2011, 02:38:58 am »

FMJ · « **Reply #518 on:** February 18, 2011, 06:13:31 pm »

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #519 on:** February 19, 2011, 12:23:56 am »

It's winter here in MICHIGAN

And the gentle breezes blow,
at 40 miles per hour and 32 below!
Oh, how I love my MICHIGAN

When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think I am a fool.
But I could never leave MICHIGAN,
Cause I'm frozen to the stool.

****************************************************************

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family
or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They
wept, Iwept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.

coelacanth · « **Reply #520 on:** February 19, 2011, 02:34:00 am »

Rock on.

Mamba1-0 · « **Reply #521 on:** February 24, 2011, 02:00:39 pm »

A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George, BC . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road . When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. The man insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for them to use. 'But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," he says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid.

LouisCQ1971 · « **Reply #522 on:** February 24, 2011, 07:26:47 pm »

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the s___ out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

Mamba1-0 · « **Reply #523 on:** February 25, 2011, 10:46:22 pm »

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

FMJ · « **Reply #524 on:** February 26, 2011, 01:59:57 am »

"Union Whore House"

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in
Las Vegas and, as you would expect,
decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first
one, he asked the
Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100,
what cut do
the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily
offended at
such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of
a more equitable,
hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the
Madame responded,
"Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you
$100, what cut
do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's
more like it!"
the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a
stunningly attractive
blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an
obese fifty-five
year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."