The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[fnfnc64]

Now thats funny!

[WeTheArmed.com]

[Smith1776]

 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the Wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, " Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your Wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ? "
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[FMJ]

[Smith1776]

 

[tactical22]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says,  "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Damn" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Damn"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies
up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

 "By Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked," he says.

 He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
 hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
 He takes a look up the stairs and says "No damn way".  He crawls up
 the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed".
 He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

 He says, " Damn it " and falls into bed.

 The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
 of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.  Did you have a bit to drink last
 night ?"

 Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?"

 "Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub."

[FMJ]

[tactical22]

I don't get it, FMJ

 

[Stevie-Ray]

Senior health care solution - tongue in cheek, of course!

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 Congressmen and 2 illegal immigrants!  

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating,  air conditioning and all the health care you need!  New teeth - no problem.  Need glasses, great.  New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?  All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this?  The same government that just told you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?  

**************************************************************************************************


An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I
quote:
              
"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the
Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112
deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
        
The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same
period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and
killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws
in the U.S., than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington

*******************************************************************************************************

Some of you will enjoy this more than others.... Southerners can be so polite!
 
Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."


Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."


Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. -Allah is Great."
 
Pause....


Saudi Air: " ATLANTA TOWER -   ATLANTA TOWER !"


Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."


Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE .. . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"




Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus.


 Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hello"  for us."


**********************************************************************************************************


SEASON'S GREETINGS
T'was the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions up and down

 

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
tired of political crap

 

When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out my window
Saw Obama and his boys

 
 

They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others  
Who had not worked a day!

 

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

 

He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!

 

'On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi'
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause
And as they flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!
So I leave you to think
On this one final note--
IF YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE !!!!

[coelacanth]

Nice.   

[Raptor]

[CameronS]

Facebook Through History:

(mild language)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Bud]

[CameronS]

Now THAT would make for a nice change.

(Still, when I saw the title, I thought you were talking about that appallingly stupid TV show. )

[ZeroTA]

Loved the Facebook ones. You ever seen some of the Star Wars Facebook spoofs?

[Storyteller]

Got this from a blog : MausersandMuffins (I like the title)

Rules for Riding The Stagecoach;
This listing of rules for Stage Coach Passengers was found in a very old Durango, Colorado Newspaper.

1. If the stage team runs away or you are pursued by Indians, stay in the coach and take your chances. Don't jump out, for you will be either injured or scalped.

2. In cold weather, abstain from liquor, for you are subject to freezing quicker if under the influence than if you were cold sober. But if you are drinking from a bottle, pass it around. It is the only polite thing to do.

3. Don't smoke a strong cigar or pipe on the stage especially when women and children are present. If chewing tobacco, spit to the leeward side.

4. Don't swear, snore or lop over on neighbors when sleeping. Let others share the buffalo robes provided in cold weather.
 
5. Don't shoot firearms for pleasure while enroute, as it scares the horses.

6. Don't grease hair with bear grease as travel is very dusty.


7. Don't discuss politics or religion.


8. Don't point out sites where robberies have taken place.


9. And don't imagine you are going on a picnic, for stage travel is inconvenient.


You all travel safe now!

[FMJ]

As seen in San Diego

[Stevie-Ray]

[sarge712]

I took this on the Blue Ridge Parkway today. It looks like they're encouraging Evel Knievel stunts up there.  

[FMJ]

[FMJ]

[americigerm]

[FMJ]

That's M.T. Kalashnikov.

His guns are usually held together by rivets and not screws.  I'll show you when we go to that gun store.

[Raptor]

Who and/or what is that thing? And what's the caption say?

[sohmdaddy]

I don't understand why Bob and Tom are so popular. Not my cup of tea I guess.

[tactical22]

+1, Sohmdaddy