The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[Bud]

Good one, And you know he may have had a case, except for the fact that is what SHE was supposed to do that

I am stealing your avatar and then plagerizing it,Claymore.

[WeTheArmed.com]

[FMJ]

[Thernlund]

WTF?!


-T.

[FMJ]

IDK why, but that one cracks me up every time.  Perhaps it's because it's so over-the-top.

[FMJ]

This one is too funny.

[ZeroTA]

Contains grown-up words.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Raptor]

[FMJ]

Toilet Humor (not lewd)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

It's all about using Hotel lobby bathrooms on the road, no one is ever in there and they are spotless. Make sure it's a decent hotel, not motel 6, extended stay is usually very nicely appointed. Now a little fun:

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
__________________

[Raptor]

[bmitchell]

I can't believe I watched that to the end...

Ben

[FMJ]

[FMJ]

[coelacanth]

Or not  .  .  .

[Raptor]

[tactical22]

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage  sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth  keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are  sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love.  Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much
about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation...

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie  Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the  envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be  held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

-------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door  at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan
Last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

[Thernlund]

A Thernlund original


-T.

[tactical22]

 

very impressive, T.

[sohmdaddy]

His battle cry is "Spooooon!"



Well, I guess "Spoooork!"

[FMJ]

[tactical22]

 

[FMJ]

Teh Internets:


It's Serious Business

[FMJ]

Information about Gonorrhea Lectim



The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim.
It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving
putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in
2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2
years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just
coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and
the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again;
otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we
know it.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really
care about.

[tactical22]

 

[archerandshooter]

FMJ - I love it - is there an attribution?  I'd love to forward that around.

[ZeroTA]