Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes (Read 450328 times)

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Crash_AF · « **Reply #326 on:** June 03, 2010, 02:03:11 am »

OMG... I don't know whether to

or

....

Thernlund · « **Reply #327 on:** June 03, 2010, 03:56:54 pm »

That's f'd up.

But still funny.

-T.

Storyteller · « **Reply #328 on:** June 03, 2010, 04:55:08 pm »

Now that's just cold.

Bo Smith · « **Reply #329 on:** June 03, 2010, 06:14:56 pm »

Quote from: Storyteller on June 03, 2010, 04:55:08 pm

Now that's just cold.

Groan.

I expect those kinds of puns from Feud. Now everyone wants a piece of the action.

Bo Smith · « **Reply #330 on:** June 04, 2010, 11:15:08 pm »

Quote from: Storyteller on June 03, 2010, 04:55:08 pm

Now that's just cold.

Just saw on the news they're gonna cremate him instead:

Crash_AF · « **Reply #331 on:** June 14, 2010, 07:45:59 pm »

Did you hear that they finally invented a car that runs on water?

Unfortunately, that water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico...

coelacanth · « **Reply #332 on:** June 30, 2010, 03:06:58 pm »

An attractive ( ok - drop dead gorgeous ) blonde stewardess was welcoming passengers aboard a flight from New Orleans to Washington D.C. when one of the passengers handed her a box of frozen crab. He told her it was frozen and it was imperative that it remain so for the duration of the flight. The stewardess told him she would personally stow the box in the crew's freezer compartment and it would be fine. The passenger went on and on in the manner of pompous windbags and explained that he was an attorney and what kind of legal trouble he could cause her if that box even began to thaw before landing. At this point he was holding up the boarding process so she agin assured him and directed him to his seat. Ticked off at the pompous arrogance of the man the stewardess returned to cabin forward and prepared for takeoff.

Just prior to final approach to Washington Dulles airport the stewardess came over the cabin intercomm with the following: " Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" No one moved. She repeated the announcement but still no response. The plane landed with out incident and afterward the stewardess took the crab home and had a lovely dinner with friends.

Two things to learn here: a) Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. b) Blondes aren't as dumb as we think they are.

FMJ · « **Reply #333 on:** July 02, 2010, 10:49:38 am »

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the
podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom,
had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have
experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire
around it to hold it in place."

A gain, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice,
"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." A ll the men sighed
with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone
else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

FMJ · « **Reply #334 on:** July 02, 2010, 11:03:24 am »

Raptor · « **Reply #335 on:** July 06, 2010, 05:14:48 pm »

Crash_AF · « **Reply #336 on:** July 13, 2010, 10:33:40 pm »

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr.. U..S. Marine, what is your final wish?

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine...

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor.....?'

Semper Fi!

coelacanth · « **Reply #337 on:** July 14, 2010, 12:50:16 am »

nice

FMJ · « **Reply #338 on:** July 18, 2010, 05:41:24 pm »

ZeroTA · « **Reply #339 on:** July 18, 2010, 09:03:46 pm »

I love those.

FMJ · « **Reply #340 on:** July 19, 2010, 12:06:35 am »

It even looks like devil horns.

The REAL dark side

CameronS · « **Reply #341 on:** July 19, 2010, 10:02:52 am »

Quote from: Crash_AF on July 13, 2010, 10:33:40 pm

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor.....?'

What's really pathetic is that probably isn't too far from the truth.

FMJ · « **Reply #342 on:** July 19, 2010, 08:18:45 pm »

Deer Hunter · « **Reply #343 on:** July 20, 2010, 03:51:12 pm »

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Dirty words.

CameronS · « **Reply #344 on:** July 21, 2010, 11:08:59 am »

Love the last two posts.

Molson · « **Reply #345 on:** July 21, 2010, 12:06:10 pm »

Quote from: Deer Hunter on July 20, 2010, 03:51:12 pm

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Dirty words.

That's one of the funniest damn things I've read in awhile.

ZeroTA · « **Reply #346 on:** July 21, 2010, 06:47:30 pm »

Quote from: Deer Hunter on July 20, 2010, 03:51:12 pm

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Dirty words.

^Awesome.

I don't know why but this cracked me up:

Splodge Of Doom · « **Reply #347 on:** July 24, 2010, 03:41:12 pm »

^^ Awesomeness!

I got [a kinda bad] one!

A man is commiserating with Stevie Wonder:

"It's such a shame that you're blind. How on earth do you cope?"

Stevie gives a smile and a shrug, and replies:

"Oh, it ain't so bad. I could be black."

stephendutton · « **Reply #348 on:** July 24, 2010, 04:18:04 pm »

An elderly couple are sat in church. The woman leans over to her husband and whispers into his ear.
"I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"
To which the husband replies:
"Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Avenger29 · « **Reply #349 on:** July 24, 2010, 04:29:20 pm »

Stop me if you've heard this one before. And it's kinda dirty...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)