The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[Stevie-Ray]

An Indian picks up a hooker. 'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Indian style?'

'No' she says.

' I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'

The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government'

**************************************************************************************************************

Strangers on my Flight

http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

[WeTheArmed.com]

[Harm]

 

oh so bad!


but I laughed... 

 

[FMJ]

[CameronS]

 

[Thernlund]

Is that a possum? 


-T.

[Sanguine]

An Arab diplomat visiting in the United States for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American foods, so he was forever sending his manservant, Abdul to fetch glasses of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water.  On this occasion, though, Abdul, returned empty-handed!

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, Oh Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but, there is a man sitting on the well."

[CameronS]

THAT is brilliant. 

Is that a possum? 


-T.

I think that's the point . . . 

[Thernlund]

Oh I know what the point is.  I just couldn't figure out which wild animal it was.


-T.

[CameronS]

Oh I know what the point is.  I just couldn't figure out which wild animal it was.


-T.

Ah, I see. Apparently we're each wrong, though; it's an Opossum, not a possum. I never could keep those straight . . .

[JesseL]

Ah, I see. Apparently we're each wrong, though; it's an Opossum, not a possum. I never could keep those straight . . .

Gotta be careful. If you let an opossum and a possum touch the explosion would be enormous.

Pasta and antipasta collisions don't even bear thinking about.

[CameronS]

Gotta be careful. If you let an opossum and a possum touch the explosion would be enormous.

Pasta and antipasta collisions don't even bear thinking about.

 

No, definitely not.

[FMJ]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog

chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout

line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and

have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a

dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably

shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that

I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with

tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way

that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it

again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line

was now enthralled with my story.)



Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the

dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I got a wicked urge to lick

my nuts in the middle of the street and got hit by a car.

[Stevie-Ray]

My Neighbors.............

The lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for Christmas.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

[Stevie-Ray]

 Those
> wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with
> typewriters. These sentences
> actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
> church services:
> --------------------------
> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes
> meals.
> --------------------------
> The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the
> Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for
> Jesus.'
> --------------------------
> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
> chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
> the house. Bring your husbands.
> --------------------------
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
> Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to
> someone who doesn't care much about
> you.
> --------------------------
> Don't let worry kill you off
>  - let the Church help.
> --------------------------
> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way
> again,' giving obvious pleasure to the
> congregation.
> --------------------------
> For those of you who have children and don't know it,
> we have a nursery downstairs.
> --------------------------
> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They
> need all the help they can get.
> --------------------------
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
> in the
>  church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
> days.
>
> --------------------------
> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
> hall. Music will follow.
> --------------------------
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
> 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir
> practice
> --------------------------
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
> addition of several new members and to the deterioration of
> some older ones.
> --------------------------
> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
> be recycled. Proceeds will be used
> to cripple children.
> --------------------------
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
> deceased person you want remembered.
> --------------------------
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
> entertainment and gracious hostility.
> --------------------------
> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
> follow.
> --------------------------
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
> kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
> afternoon.
> --------------------------
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
> park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
> prepared to sin.
> --------------------------
> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
> All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
> the B. S. is done.
> --------------------------
> The pastor
>  would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation
> would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
> breakfast next Sunday.
> --------------------------
> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
> Please use the back door.
> -------------------------
> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
> Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The
> congregation is invited to attend this
> tragedy.
> --------------------------
> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
> campaign slogan last Sunday:
> "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

[FMJ]

Ambiguous much?

[Plebian]

> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
> kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
> afternoon.
> --------------------------
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
> park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
> prepared to sin.

Dang sounds like my kind of church.

[Beamish]

Guess who has been sober for over 90 Days?



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[JesseL]

 

But how many people are visiting his grave and pouring one out for their homie comrade? He could be remaining pretty well pickled.

[Beamish]

Gallagher was on The Opie and Anthony Show (on XM) a few weeks ago and dropped this gem: 


"Do you know why Ted Kennedy was not upset when the was diagnosed with brain cancer?"


"He always wanted a hole in his head like his brothers..."

[FMJ]

Guess who has been sober for over 90 Days

[Sanguine]

 

Speaking of Ted Kennedy, this was in my inbox this morning.

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.  The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[chiwar7178]

 

[CameronS]

 

[Stevie-Ray]

  

[Stevie-Ray]

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup..
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
 
"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
 
Hole in one.
 
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
 
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit  Las Vegas ...."

" They go to  Las Vegas  and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
 
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
 
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table..

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
 
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
 
With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.

 "And that is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God, or my name isn't Tiger Woods."