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General Topics => R & R => Topic started by: Harm on June 26, 2009, 04:18:09 pm

Title: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on June 26, 2009, 04:18:09 pm
So I think it's about time we add a little humor to this place.  Not piecemeal but one big thread where we can add jokes on a regular basis!  (maybe a sticky?)
So entertain your fellow WETA People!  Keep it PG-13, nothing racist or too terribly offensive.  We are giving points for quality jokes, so please keep the knock knocks at home unless their STRONG!   :devillol  So let the funnin begin!

 :devillol  :neener  :rotfl  :woohoo :popcorn

Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?
They can't pass the bar.


Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!


Why is potassium a racist element?
Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.


What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Bo Smith on June 26, 2009, 05:41:12 pm
When is it bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand touches the little hand.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on June 26, 2009, 06:34:20 pm
A bus with a capacity for 30 people leaves on a trip.  On board are 27 lawyers.  Part of the trip takes the bus through the cliffs of Big Sur on the Central California coast.  At one point, the driver faces difficulties and the bus ends up off the cliff into the ocean.  No one made it.

Do you know what the real tragedy was?


There was room for three more...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on June 26, 2009, 06:35:25 pm
When is it bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand touches the little hand.

Michael Jackson will be with us for ever. He's not biodegradable

Since Michael Jackson was 99% plastic, instead of burying him they are melting him down and turning him into legos. Now the kids can play with him for a change........ :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on June 26, 2009, 09:02:49 pm
This one's so bad...   :devillol
_______________________

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices the guy next to him trying to make eye contact with a group of women across the room.

The first guy says "You know, I could get any of those women if I wanted to." The second guy replies, "What's your secret?"

The first guy smiles and says "I'm a rapist."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on June 26, 2009, 09:03:52 pm
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on June 26, 2009, 09:04:44 pm
 :devillol   :rotfl   :bowdown
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on June 26, 2009, 09:28:52 pm
Some good Russian jokes that I saw (actually on Wikipedia):
Starting with my favorite:
Quote
A lecturer visits the mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great communism is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not a psycho, I work here."

For the next one, a Chukcha is a person that belong to a tribe in north-east Siberia, I guess they're similar to eskimos.  The Russians like to make jokes about them.
Quote
A Chukcha returns home from Moscow to great excitement and interest. "What is socialism like?" asks someone. "Oh," begins the Chukcha in awe, "There, everything is for the betterment of Man. I even saw that Man himself!"

Quote
A Communist died and since he was a honest man albeit atheist, he was sentenced to rotate spending one year in Hell and one year in Heaven. One year passed and Satan said to God : "Take this man as fast as possible, because he turned all my young demons into Young Pioneers, I have to restore some order." Another year passed, Satan meets God again and tells him : "Lord God, it's my turn now." God replied : "First of all, don't call me Lord God, but instead Comrade God; second, there is no God; and one more thing - don't distract me or I'll be late to the Party meeting."

Quote
A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of s___ every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets." The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?"/ "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of s___ is killing me. And you?" / "Ah, it feels like home - either the s___ was not delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"

This is where I got them from.  I'm also willing to be that if the wrong person heard you while in the USSR, that was the end of the line for you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on June 26, 2009, 09:52:34 pm
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Montana, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on June 26, 2009, 10:00:59 pm
 :rotfl

Regrettably, I don't know any decent jokes.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on June 26, 2009, 10:20:45 pm
Quote
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.
WIN

As you know I'm from the Mexican state of Sinaloa.  We make a fun of people who are from a place called Guasave.  So here's a local joke:

There were three men.  One was from Culiacan*, another from Mochis*, and the last from Guasave.  The three men were traveling in a car through the Sonoran desert; the car broke down and the three men continued their journey on foot.  Befeore setting out on foot they agreed to salvage any useful supplies from the car.

The man from Culican said, "I shall take the radiator because if I get thirsty I can drink the water."

The man from Mochis said, "I shall take the seat so I can sit down when I get tired."

The man from Guasave said, "I shall take the car door, so when it gets hot I can roll the window down and when it gets cold I can roll it up."

**Cities within the state of Sinaloa.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on June 26, 2009, 10:52:03 pm
HA HA we used to do that one as a boyscout skit!   ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: bensdad on June 27, 2009, 12:04:46 am
Pirate walks into a bar... stop me if you've heard this one.   Nobody?  O.k.

Pirate walks in to a bar.  He's got a steering wheel halfway down the front of his pants.  Bartender days, "Hey, pirate!  You got a steering wheel down the front of your pants."

Pirate says, "Arrggh!!  It's drivin' me nuts." 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: chiwar7178 on June 27, 2009, 12:17:26 am
Keep it PG-13, nothing...too terribly offensive.
Oh man!  That disqualifies ALL of my jokes.

Like the one about me going through jump school, but being unable to make the first jump... :panic
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on June 27, 2009, 12:42:56 am
Pirate walks into a bar... stop me if you've heard this one.   Nobody?  O.k.

Pirate walks in to a bar.  He's got a steering wheel halfway down the front of his pants.  Bartender days, "Hey, pirate!  You got a steering wheel down the front of your pants."

Pirate says, "Arrggh!!  It's drivin' me nuts." 

Little kid goes out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He knocks on the first door of the night and a pleasant looking women opens it. As soon as she does, the kid growls "ARRRRRRRRRGH trick or treat lady! Gimme some candy wench or I'll have ye walk the plank!" The lady responds "my, what a cute little pirate. But tell me honey, where are your buccaneers?" The kid responds "They're under me buckin hat lady"...............


Two old pirate buddies bump into each other in a pirate bar after having not seen one another for a long time. The one says to the other "Hey Bart, aint seen you in a fair spell. Your lookin a bit worse for wear matey. Last time I saw you you had both legs. Now you gots that there wooden one. What happened?  "well Jimbo", the other one replies" I got caught up in this here sea battle, and got my leg blowed clean off with a cannonball. Had to carve me a new one from a chunk of the scrapped deck. And besides Jimbo, your looking a bit beat yerself son. When I last saw you you had both arms instead of that hook yer wearing, and you weren't sportin that there eye patch either mate. What happened to you? "Well" says Jimbo, " I got in this huge sword fight while we were attacking this here Spanish gold ship, and I ended up loosing my arm in all the mess. So now I got me this fancy hook." Well what about yer eye mate, what happened to that" says Bart?  "Oh that" replies Jimbo, "well, I was out wandering the deck of the queen annes revenge one day, looked up, and a seagull s#!t in it." " You don't lose your eye from that" yells Bart!  "Well" says Jimbo, "that was the first day I had my new hook"!.............
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sohmdaddy on June 27, 2009, 12:25:44 pm
Two guys are walking their dogs down the street and see a bar in the distance.

"Hey, I'll bet you 20 bucks that I can walk into that bar with my dog, sit down and order a drink, and no one will say anything."

"You're on! Dogs aren't allowed in there."

Guy one puts on sunglasses, picks up a stick, and starts feeling around with it. He walks into the bar, sits down and orders a drink and no one says anything.

Guy two thinks to himself, "What a cheap shot! Two can play that game." Guy two puts on his sunglasses and gets a stick and walks in to the bar.

Bartender- "Hey buddy, no dogs allowed in here."

Guy Two- "It's ok, this is my seeing eye dog."

Bartender- "Do I look stupid to you? You've got a Chihuahua."

Guy Two- "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on June 28, 2009, 02:38:54 pm
Two Irishmen, named Pat and Mike walk into the Shamrock and Shillelagh bar on West 25th Street in Cleveland.  The Scots bartender slinks down the bar to where a red headed afro-asian beldame is talking with a tall, thin, blond Rabbi.  The publican nudges the woman and points to the two men who just entered.  The woman looks up and says, "Hey! You two are in the wrong joke!"

Geoff
Who notes this is his candidate for world's shortest shaggy dog story.  :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on June 28, 2009, 02:43:21 pm
OK!  Stop me if you've heard this one... :uzi

Geoff
Who had to do it.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on June 28, 2009, 03:25:05 pm
Once upon a time in Greater Cleveland, Ohio...

Father Murphy, a rotund Cleric from Saint Edwards in Lakewood was in a good family tavern near Marlow and Detroit, enjoying his second half pint, a full pint being a bit improper for a churchman, when a young parishioner ran in and shouted, "Father Murphy!  Father Murphy!  There's a man on top the silly name building and he's about to JUMP!"  

The silly name building actually has a name and it is silly but no one can pronounce it, so everybody calls it the silly name building.  Finishing his brew in a gulp, no sense wasting good suds, the stoic cleric ran out the door, to the surprise of those who thought running was not one of his talents having never seen him move that quickly.  Down the street he ran and saw the crowd on the sidewalk and he looked up to see a very distraught looking man teetering on the edge of the parapet, more than high enough to do himself in.  The crowd made way for the priest and if they didn't a kick in the gastrocnemius caused an immediate parting of the way.  Sergeant Brennan glanced at the cleric as he appeared through the crowd and without comment, bowing to superior blarney, handed the priest his yellow issue bullhorn.

"Lad.  Lad!  Don't do it!  Tis a mortal sin!  Think of your family!"

"Oh, Father," came back the plaintive, tearful cry, "my wife left me and ran off with my accountant, they took all my money and ruined my business and my son dropped out of Case and has gone to HAIRDRESSERS SCHOOL!"

"What about your friends lad?"  asked the anxious priest.

"That bunch of worthless barflies not only knew about my wife's affair, they were making book on the date I'd get DUMPED!

The diminutive cleric took a deep breath, for truly this innocent had been sorely tried...

"Think Lad, it's football season and the Browns are winn'in!

"I'm a Pittsburgh fan Father!" came back the reply from on high...

"A PITTSBURGH FAN!" Shouted the devout fan, "WELL JUMP YOU GODLESS HEATHEN AND YOU'LL BE IN YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE!"

Geoff
Who is an expatriate Clevelander surviving in hot and muggy Florida and notorious Browns fan.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on June 28, 2009, 03:28:08 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

Four of the 2009 Cleveland Browns are going for a drive.  Who's Driving?

THE POLICE!
 :devillol   :devillol   :devillol

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on June 28, 2009, 03:42:51 pm
Under communism man exploits man, under Obamaism, it's the other way around.

Geoff
Who is brief, but eloquent.  :censored
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Michael on June 29, 2009, 02:41:30 am
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman, and Paddy Irishman are all sitting in a bar at a table when the waitress comes up with three big beers, each with a big black fly in it.

Paddy Englishman looks down his nose at the mug and say,"Remove this, it is beneath me."

Paddy Scottsman says, "Ya pansie." picks the fly out of the beer and drops it on the floor and begins drinking his beer.

Paddy Irishman picks out the fly and then hold it over the beer and flicks its back saying, "Spit it out!  Spit it out!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on June 29, 2009, 02:47:13 am
U2 are giving a concert in Britain and it's MASSIVE.  Tons of people from all over show up.  After about two hours into it Bono walks out to the front of the apron and holds his hands up for silence.  Then he starts clapping.  Totally randomly, no pattern no sense to it.  Finally after a very uncomfortable minute of this he holds his mike up and says "Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies..." 

From way in the back, over the cheap seats to the lawn a single clear Scottish voice cries out, "WELL THEN STOP DOING THAT YOUR ROIGHT MEAN FOIKING BASTARD!!!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Michael on June 30, 2009, 01:55:00 am
For the Math crowd:

Women(W) = Time(T) and Money(T)

and we know that T=M, therefore

W=M^2

we also know that Money is the root of all evil: M=(EVIL)^1/2

Therefore,

W=((EVIL)^1/2)^2

or

Women = EVIL  :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: chiwar7178 on June 30, 2009, 01:56:56 am
For the Math crowd:

Women(W) = Time(T) and Money(T)

and we know that T=M, therefore

W=M^2

we also know that Money is the root of all evil: M=(EVIL)^1/2

Therefore,

W=((EVIL)^1/2)^2

or

Women = EVIL  :hide
It's not Women = Evil, it's Girls = Evil.  And that's not funny--it's the truth.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on June 30, 2009, 04:20:43 pm
This is my old standby joke:

A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar.
And that's just the first guy!

________________________________________

An American who arrived at the Berlin Airport was asked at immigration: "Occupation?"
"No," he replied. "Just visiting."

_______________________________________

Q: How did they clear out German bingo parlors during World War 2?

A: Someone would call "B-17".

_______________________________________

What's the difference between Obama & Jesus???
Jesus could actually build a cabinet.

_______________________________________


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Beamish on June 30, 2009, 04:27:08 pm
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender looks up and asks: "Hey, were did you get that?"

The parrot says: "AFRICA!  They're all over the place."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on July 01, 2009, 04:01:44 am
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender looks up and asks: "Hey, were did you get that?"

The parrot says: "AFRICA!  They're all over the place."

OMG! I actually laughed out loud! I'm using that one!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Beamish on July 01, 2009, 04:43:18 pm
OMG! I actually laughed out loud! I'm using that one!
Make sure you shriek out "AAA-frica!" like parrot - it completely sells the punch line.   :devillol
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: alone on July 01, 2009, 11:15:33 pm
Oliver Twist

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have
them?"

"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"



-alone
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: alone on July 01, 2009, 11:22:30 pm


Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned




* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

* School lunches stick to the wall.

* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. No matter how cute the underwear is.


-alone
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on July 02, 2009, 12:27:32 am
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'You get a hot mama and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on July 02, 2009, 12:28:28 am
A man, having applied to join the local Police Department, is being interviewed.

The Chief says, "Everything is ready to go, but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you." Sliding a 1911 across the desk, the chief continues, "Take this gun with eight bullets and go out and shoot seven liberals and one rabbit."

The man asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Fantastic attitude!" says the chief, "When can you start?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on July 02, 2009, 12:30:44 am
Have you heard about the new .308 Lightning round?









It's only available in bolt action.

*rim-shot*
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on July 02, 2009, 12:47:10 am
Father O'Malley was in his study when a knock at the door turned out to be a parishioner of his, Seamus, with a dead dog in his arms.

"Oh Father," Seamus says,"Me best friend of near fifteen years went to be with the good Lord this very mornin', and I thought ye might say a few words for him in the Mass tomorrow."

"Seamus, the Church...doesn't usually concern itself with the passin' of a pet, beloved as he may be."

"Sure an' I understand, Father, so I'll just see what the Baptists up the road may say, as it don't seem right to put 'im in the ground without some final words. An' as a offering for their services, d'ya think ten thousand dollars is spot-on?"

"Seamus!"Father O'Malley clapped him on the shoulder,"Why di'na ya tell me the poor beast was a proper Catholic?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 02, 2009, 12:50:00 am
Why the Rabbit?!  AWESOME!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on July 02, 2009, 01:08:14 am
It was the first day of a school in USA, and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good!"
Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response, except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians."
"Who said that?", she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!" And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum  
Q:   Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?   A:   Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q:   What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A:   Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q:   Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it befound? A:   Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ...'
Q:   How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? A:   Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:   How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly - wrinkles? A:   Take off your glasses.
Q:   Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A:   Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q:   Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A:   Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:   Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A:   Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q:   As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A:   Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:   Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? A:   On their foreheads.
Q:   What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A:   'Gosh, I remember these.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was traveling between home and work when a tire blew out.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."
The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.
"Democrat!", I shouted.
"Hop in!", replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?", she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on July 02, 2009, 01:17:10 am
Keep this in mind when it comes time to vote-----------
While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.  'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem.  We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you.'
No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.  What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.  Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down,
down, down to hell.  The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course.  In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.  They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf, and then dine on lobster, caviar, and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes.  They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door r eopens in heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time,
and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and
St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.  Now choose
your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, 'Well, I would never
have said it before;  I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down 
to hell.  Now the doors of the elevator open, and he's in the middle of  a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
I  d-don't under-st-stand,' stammers the senator.  'Yesterday I was here,
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.  Now there's just awasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable.
What happened?!'
The devil looks at him, smiles, and says,  'Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted!'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on July 02, 2009, 01:23:56 am
^Awesome.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on July 02, 2009, 06:04:43 pm
Why are so many Hollyweird Celebrities dying?

The California tax bills started arriving.

Geoff
Who notes California is spending massively more than income...the politicians don't care.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on July 02, 2009, 06:07:48 pm
"I'm not going to take away your guns."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on July 02, 2009, 06:59:18 pm
Did you know that duct tape is like the Force?

Yes, it's true. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the galaxy together.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: AR lover on July 02, 2009, 09:01:55 pm
For the Math crowd:

Women(W) = Time(T) and Money(T)

and we know that T=M, therefore

W=M^2

we also know that Money is the root of all evil: M=(EVIL)^1/2

Therefore,

W=((EVIL)^1/2)^2

or

Women = EVIL  :hide
For those that can't understand written form:
(http://i362.photobucket.com/albums/oo64/gvnwst/4330_1157017725290_1223148255_44180.jpg)
;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: akodo on July 03, 2009, 03:52:52 pm
Dutchman: "what's the difference between a Dutchman and a canoe?"

Waiter: "I don't know"

Dutchman: "Sometimes a canoe will tip."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: MarshallDodge on July 04, 2009, 01:56:13 am
What do you call a dog with no back legs and testicles of steel?
.
.
.
.
.
.
SPARKY!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on July 04, 2009, 06:30:20 am
A blonde, a brunet and a redhead  walk into the Shamrock and Shillelagh bar on West 25th Street in Cleveland.  The Scots bartender, a red headed afro-asian beldame and a tall, thin, blond Rabbi all look at them.  The blonde turns to the other two guys and says, "No action here, lets find someplace with a band and women!

Geoff
Who is working on short shaggy dog stories.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: MarshallDodge on July 04, 2009, 12:34:19 pm
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on July 04, 2009, 03:31:17 pm
My go-to joke.  Told many times by me...

A family is moving into a new home in a middle to upper class neighborhood.  They're all out in front unloading the U-Haul, taking boxes in and coming back out for more.  Meanwhile, a neighbor is looking on, and finally wanders over to introduce himself.

"Hi!  I'm Mike.  Welcome to the neighborhood!", he says, putting out his hand.

"Hi there!  I'm Tim.", the new guy says, and shakes Mike's hand.

They chat for awhile until the conversation comes around to what what each of them do for a living.

Mike:  "I'm a general contractor.  My company actually built this neighborhood.  Why do you do Tim?"

Tim:  "I'm a college professor.  I teach over at the university.  I teach logic and deductive reasoning."

Mike:  "Really?  Hmmm.  What's that all about?"

Tim:  "Well, it's about evaluating a known data set to arrive at a conclusion.  Let me give you an example...", and he thinks for a moment. "Ok.  Do you have a dog house?"

Mike:  "Umm... yeah.  I have a dog house."

Tim:  "Alright then!  Since you have a dog house, that leads me to believe you must have a dog.  That being the case, I lead to believe that you probably have kids.  Now... if you have kids, it's not much of a stretch to figure out that you have a wife.  And since you have a wife, I must conclude that you are, in fact, heterosexual.  See?"

Mike:  "Hmmm.  That's pretty interesting.  Yeah.  I think I see."

Later that evening Mike is hanging with his good friend Bob.  He and and Bob are drinking beers in Mike's garage and chatting.

Bob:  "So I see you got a new neighbor."

Mike:  "Yeah. I met him this afternoon.  Nice guy.  He's a teacher at the university.  Teaches a logic class or something."

Bob:  "Logic huh?  They teach that?  What's that all about?"

Mike:  "Well... do you have a dog house?"

Bob:  "No."

Mike: "F_______GGG!!!!"


-T.

 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 04, 2009, 03:45:39 pm
 :rotfl  thats one of my favorite jokes!   :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 04, 2009, 11:53:09 pm
My go-to joke:

Q:  How do you stop a Mexican tank?

A:  Shoot the people pushing it!

:neener :hide :devillol
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: AR lover on July 04, 2009, 11:56:27 pm
My go-to joke:

Q:  How do you stop a Mexican tank?

A:  Shoot the people pushing it!

:neener :hide :devillol
lol, thats great.   

I was told this a while ago:

Why does mexico not have a olympic team?   Everyone who can run, jump, or swim is in America already.
 ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on July 06, 2009, 09:22:52 am
It was the first day of a school in USA, and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good!"
Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response, except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians."
"Who said that?", she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!" And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."

Stevie-

You are KING!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on July 06, 2009, 09:28:42 am
Here's my favorite joke . . .

Peter goes to the doctor, sits down in the exam room and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." The doctor is, of course, shocked. "Oh, no," he says, "You don't want this. You do NOT want this. It would change your life forever, and not in a good way."

Peter looks up at the doctor stubbornly and says, "Doc, this is what I want. If you won't do it, I'll go to someone who will."

The doctor thinks for a while. "Alright, fine," he says, "I'll do it, but it goes against my moral principles."

So he performs the operation, and sometime later, Peter is doing the John Wayne walk down the hospital corridor with his drip pan. While he's walking, he bumps into a friend walking the same way.

"Hey, Jim," he greets the friend. "Looks like you got the same operation I did."

"Yup," Jim says happily, "I decided that after 30-some years of life that I wanted to be circumcised."

Peter stares at him in horror. "s___!" he screams, "THAT'S the word!"

 ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on July 07, 2009, 11:46:13 pm


......................Bob:  "Logic huh?  They teach that?  What's that all about?"

Mike:  "Well... do you have a dog house?"

Bob:  "No."

Mike: "F_______GGG!!!!"
Oh man, I almost pissed myself :rotfl

On another note......................

>             Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
>             for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
>             when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
>             What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
>             little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
>             starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
>             because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
>             pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
>             of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
>             I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
>             it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
>             eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
>             complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
>             mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
>             my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
>             the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
>             an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
>
>             I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
>             laughing so hard.




  
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 16, 2009, 05:00:31 pm
A business man got on an elevator.

 When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who
 greeted him with a bright,

   "T-G-I-F."

 He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

 She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more
 slowly.

 He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

 The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
 her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
 "T-G-I-F."

 The man smiled back to her and once again,
 "S-H-I-T."

 The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's
  Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

  The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry,
  Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: strangelittleman on July 16, 2009, 05:05:37 pm
A teacher asked her students to associate the colors of a roll of life savers with the flavors....
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children
could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh
my God! They're a$$-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 16, 2009, 05:14:48 pm
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following
her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten
minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Then,
without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of
you thought I would make it."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 16, 2009, 05:45:53 pm
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 16, 2009, 05:49:38 pm
A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door, this is our outhouse!"
.
Government workers are so smart.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on July 16, 2009, 08:43:46 pm

>             Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
>             for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
>             when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
>             What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
>             little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
>             starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
>             because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
>             pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
>             of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
>             I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
>             it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
>             eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
>             complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
>             mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
>             my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
>             the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
>             an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
>
>             I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
>             laughing so hard.

Oh, man, I almost fell out my chair I was laughing so hard!  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on July 16, 2009, 11:03:12 pm
Older people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this "first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
 Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
 
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!  'You asked your neighbor?'

 The old man replied, 'Yep none of us could get that jar open.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 16, 2009, 11:09:17 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

Oh my gosh thats' HILARIOUS!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 17, 2009, 05:03:43 pm
Quote
You might be a redneck, if you have a recipe for catfish lasagna

-Jeff Foxworthy
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 18, 2009, 12:29:34 am
How to be politically correct with your wife

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE


Credit goes out to whomever came up with this; I'm just sharing it.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: AR lover on July 18, 2009, 11:46:33 pm
Well, here is one I have...

There was a guy, a great dude, so, once apon a time, God asked him if He (God) could do anything for the guy. The dude says "ya know, a highway to hawaii would be great, so i don't have to fly".

God responds "well, i would do that, but it would take so much, changing weather patterns and tides, and i am not feeling in the mood to do that..."

So the guy replies "Okay, how about you write me a book on how to understand weomen?"

"Do you want that highway 2 or 4 lanes?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on July 20, 2009, 10:10:00 pm
Okay, here's another duct tape joke.

Did you know that duct tape is just like violence? It's true: if you use some and you still have a problem, it means you haven't used enough.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 22, 2009, 01:36:12 pm
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: strangelittleman on July 23, 2009, 05:38:34 pm
Do you know the difference between the English and the Irish?

The English drink 12 year old Scotch and the Irish drink Scotch when their 12years old!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on July 24, 2009, 08:49:50 am
I heard Johnny Carson tell that one years ago except it was Republicans drink 12 year old Scotch and Democrats drink Scotch when they are 12 years old
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: maskedhobo on July 24, 2009, 04:10:54 pm
What did Travis say at the Alamo when he saw the Mexican Army?
Why are there so many roofers?

Why were only 2500 Mexicans at the Alamo?
They only had two trucks.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 24, 2009, 08:11:51 pm
Was in a Mexican restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I
desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my expulsions with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
lunch and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Guess I'll never go there again.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on July 25, 2009, 12:41:24 am
Was in a Mexican restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I
desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my expulsions with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
lunch and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Guess I'll never go there again.

 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on July 25, 2009, 12:57:43 am
Two blondes were speeding along the freeway when a cop tries to pull them over. The blonde driving says, "Oh my gosh Buffy! Are his blue lights on?"

Buffy says, "Yes! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No!


A blonde is inexplicably in the middle of a wheat field rowing a boat for all she's worth. Soon a crowd forms and almost everyone laughs and shrugs it off as just another dumb blonde. Finally a blonde in the crowd has had enough and screams, "You b*&^%!!! You're making all us blondes look like fools! If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: chiwar7178 on July 25, 2009, 01:14:50 am
After Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, large numbers of the refugees flocked to Houston.  Within months, the violent crime and murder rates increased by 300 to 400%.  Do you know what they called it?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on July 25, 2009, 01:41:09 am
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'  Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'  The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'  He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'  The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to Believe all those dumb blonde jokes.

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.  'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.


'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 25, 2009, 02:45:29 am
So three ladies; a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were speaking about their teenage daughters.

The brunette lady comments on her discovery of  adiscarded Jack Daniels bottle in her daughter's bedroom.  "I didn't know my daughter drank..."

The redhead lady said that her daughter has the same case; except, her daughter, she explained had a smoking problem instead of drinking one.  "I  came across some cigarette butts in the bathroom." she said...

The blonde lady surprised by her friend's daughters scenario, shockingly contributes her own report:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on July 27, 2009, 12:51:32 am
My wife, of all people, sent me this one:

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
 
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor!  This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b____ out the window.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 27, 2009, 03:24:34 am
HA HA HA HA HA!   :devillol
The only better way to end that if the Englishman had then thrown the frenchwoman from the train! 


I keep hoping one of these will be funny enough to warrant this thread being a sticky.  Every forum needs a stickied Joke thread... 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on July 27, 2009, 08:56:00 am
My wife, of all people, sent me this one:

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
 
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor!  This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b____ out the window.

 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on July 27, 2009, 04:44:29 pm
I keep hoping one of these will be funny enough to warrant this thread being a sticky.  Every forum needs a stickied Joke thread... 

There.

But I reserve the right to not utter one word of protest should another staff member unsticky it.  ;)


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 27, 2009, 04:49:31 pm
T- that might be the funniest joke yet!   :devillol
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 30, 2009, 07:26:44 pm
DON'T LOOK AT THE PICTURE
UNTIL YOU HAVE READ THE STORY***
A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw
a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tailgate for dear life!
She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.
A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop. 
The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor! Taxidermists are a twisted lot anyway! And it is not a dog, it is a coyote.
   
Can you imagine how many people tried to stop this guy?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on July 30, 2009, 07:29:39 pm
HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset
at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong.

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing
to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed.

To my surprise, he responded to my caresses, and we made love.

But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere
else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.



HIS DIARY:

My Chevy wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on July 30, 2009, 08:16:31 pm
While waiting for a Microsoft Update (TM) I started thinking about myself.

I'm Polish.  I'm from Cleveland.  I'm an overweight, professional computer geek.

My Ghod!  I AM A JOKE!

Geoff
Who must be short on sleep... ::)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: chiwar7178 on July 31, 2009, 01:57:06 am
Skeptic49 - If ya can't laugh at yourself, then ya really ought not laugh at others.   ;D

It's also good to know what anyone could possibly :poke: fun at you with so as to concoct a defensive strategy.  ;D

(\/)___( ^ ww ^ )___(\/) <-- DR. ZOIDBERG: Woo-woo-woo-woo woo woo woo!  :gurgle/growl:  :devillol
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 10, 2009, 09:41:53 pm
Redheads rock

Barack Obama was looking for a call girl.   He found three such girls in a local pub, A blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said,  'I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, '$200'.   To the brunette he said, 'I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, '$100'.

He then asked the redhead. Her reply was,  'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, My pants down as low as my wages,  get as hard as the times we are living in and keep it rising like the price of gas,  keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, And screw me the way you have the retirees, Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'

 ***************************************************************************************************************

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

My wife called him a s**t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Michael on August 12, 2009, 02:51:47 am
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and placed it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 14, 2009, 12:35:55 pm
Just got this from my (Jewish) buddy. He's crazy. ;)

No matter  what this husband did in bed, his wife never  achieved an orgasm..
Since a Jewish  wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide  to consult
their Rabbi. The Rabbi  listens to their story, strokes his beard, and  makes
the  following  suggestion:
 
'Hire a strapping young  man. While the two of you are making love, have  the
young man wave a towel over  you.That will help your wife fantasize  and
should bring on an orgasm.' They go  home and follow the Rabbi's  advice.
 
They hire a handsome young  man and he waves a towel over them as they  make
love. It does not help and the  wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed,  they
go back to the  Rabbi.
 
'Okay,' he says to the  husband,'Try it reversed. Have the young man  make
love to your wife and you wave the  towel over them'. Once again,  they
follow the Rabbi's advice. They go  home and hire, the same strapping  young
man.
 
The young man  gets into bed with the wife and the husband  waves the towel.
The young man gets to  work with great enthusiasm and soon she has  an
enormous, room-shaking,  ear-splitting, screaming  orgasm.
 
The husband smiles, looks  at the young man and says to him  triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck?  THAT'S how you wave a towel !!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on August 19, 2009, 09:13:07 am
10 Points for Michael for a joke where the Nav wins.

10 points for Stevie-Ray for one that made me rofl. :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on August 19, 2009, 12:36:36 pm
Rumor has it that Bill Clinton only went to North Korea because he thought he was going to Poontang, not Pyongyang.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to s**t all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on August 19, 2009, 12:37:00 pm
Students were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99 Clinton: Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bulls___ artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica... let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on August 19, 2009, 12:37:23 pm
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary, wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.

How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you le ft yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 27, 2009, 08:17:52 pm
> > The Lexington, Kentucky Police Department reports finding a man's body
> > in the Kentucky River just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge.
> > The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been
> > notified.
> >
> > The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was
> > wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt,
> > a pink g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an Obama
> > t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
> >
> > The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any
> > unnecessary embarrassment.
> >
> >
> > The Police do care.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on August 27, 2009, 10:47:55 pm
 :facepalm  :clap I'm so telling that one at work tomorrow. ^
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: TheRedCoat on August 27, 2009, 10:57:56 pm
Well after much computer and isp woes I am back so here we go:

Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Answer:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 28, 2009, 07:25:49 pm
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe :rotfl

I said wake up, but this is better.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on August 28, 2009, 07:43:51 pm
Those last six jokes are EPIC!!!!

 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 01, 2009, 07:45:00 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XivhwO_zWWg# (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XivhwO_zWWg#)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Grant on September 02, 2009, 10:08:40 pm
  A pair of old ones.  But not posted here yet ;)

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom.
Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon"
____________________________________
President Obama gets out of his helicopter
in front of the White House carrying a baby
pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention,
salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

Bush replies: "These are not pigs, these
are Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for
Nancy Pelosi, and I got one
for Hillary Clinton."

The Marine again snaps to attention,
salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

(Actually I swapped Obama For Bush.  Fits a hair better ;). I mean why would Bush buy those two a pig?)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: littleblueman on September 02, 2009, 11:39:19 pm
A man, his wife, and their nine children are waiting at the bus stop.
Along comes a blind man with his cane, click click click, he stops and waits on the bus also.
The bus arrives and its packed.  Only the woman and the nine children are able to board, so the man and the blind man decide to walk.
After a few blocks the man is getting tired of hearing the click click click of the blind man's walking stick.  
The man leans over and says to the blind man, "Hey buddy, if you would put a little rubber on the end of that stick, it would'nt aggravate everyone around you."
The blind man never misses a beat as he leans over and says to the man, " Hey buddy, if you would have put a little rubber on the end of your stick we would be riding the damn bus right now!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 05, 2009, 04:39:15 pm
How fights get started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'
she said.
So I suggested,
'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have $ex?'
'No,'
she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes.'
So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first...
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale..
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend...  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning.... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said,
'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf...  Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors... I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And then, well.....The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on September 05, 2009, 05:07:20 pm
 :devillol

Those are all awesome.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on September 07, 2009, 04:33:14 am
Quote
I rear-ended a car this morning.... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said,
'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

I'm still laughing at that one.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 08, 2009, 10:56:49 pm
  Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes.
             
            The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping
            through family photos and reminiscing."This is my oldest son, Mohamed.
            He would have been 24 now."

            The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

            The first mother says, "He's a martyr now."

            "Oh, that's so sad, my dear."

            Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second
            son, Abdul. He would be 21."

            "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

            The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr."

            "Oh gracious me!" says the second mother.
             
            "And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18 this year."

            "Yes," says her friend enthusiastically,  "I remember when he first
            started school."

            "He's also a martyr," the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill
           with tears.

            After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
           at the photos,gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says:

            "They blow up so fast, don't they?"   
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 09, 2009, 12:22:22 am
I'm politically-incorrectly laughing at that.  And it feels so good.  :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on September 09, 2009, 01:42:02 am
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl  so bad it's awesome!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on September 10, 2009, 02:41:24 pm
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"   


BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 13, 2009, 12:42:19 pm
Nothin' like good ole Irish humor...


Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.


Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em, what's the point of f****n' one?"

********************************************************************************************************************

A  teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different....again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 14, 2009, 02:02:49 am
[drool]
Are those gorgeous Irish chicks redheaded? 
[/drool]
________________________________________________________
A Cuban man is chatting with a European man.  The European asks him how things are going in Cuba.  "Well, I can't really complain," says the Cuban man.  And the European responds, "And by that you mean that things are neither too good or too bad, right?"  "No.  You don't seem to understand...  I JUST CAN'T F______ COMPLAIN!!!"  "I'll get shot!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on September 14, 2009, 05:46:57 pm
Nothin' like good ole Irish humor...

 :devillol
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 20, 2009, 05:19:56 pm
The half-wit

A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
                      

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

****************************************************************************************************************

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.
 
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
 
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh,
 grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill  to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say "no".

 In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a-holes in
 Washington.


 
 

 

Title: No Nativity Scene in Washington this year?
Post by: BHoff on September 28, 2009, 10:25:56 pm
 My Father sent this to me.



There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!


 The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the
 United States ' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any
 religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in
 the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues.

 There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 03, 2009, 04:20:34 am
(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/here-is-your-change.jpg)
_______________________________

Not mine, but funny:

Quote
Are you an economy with performance issues? If it's hard to achieve and maintain growth, maybe Stimulus is right for you. Take Stimulus once every election cycle, or whenever you're in need of economic enhancement. Economies with top-heavy debt loads and high tax burdens should not use Stimulus. Stimulus has many active ingredients, but they are poorly understood by economists. Side effects may include hyperinflation, stagnation, dollar devaluation, earmarks, excessive debt, bankruptcy, loss of jobs, growth of welfare state, expansion of nanny state, unrealized expectations, economic impotence, depression, halitosis, and sweaty palms. Stimulus has not been proven successful, so it should not be used in the hopes of achieving actual growth. Stimulus. Because all economies have performance issues.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 03, 2009, 04:40:09 am
(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/flatlined.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on October 03, 2009, 06:37:34 pm
(http://billstclair.com/blog/images/flatlined.jpg)

::)


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: wildsailer on October 03, 2009, 11:22:24 pm
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
 Walk him and pitch to the rhino!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 07, 2009, 01:17:46 am
(http://nicedoggie.net/2009/wp-content/uploads//2009/10/Olympic_Fail.jpg)

The "Ego" has landed...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on October 07, 2009, 07:08:16 pm

IDIOT SIGHTINGS:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large enough motor' on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.... Four is larger than two..."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
 

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS .
 

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City
 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
 

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
 

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS   
 

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said, "Cool"!


STAY ALERT! They walk among us... they REPRODUCE..........    and they vote!!!!!
 
*********************************************************************************************************************************

Mexican  Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around
in Mexico .
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a
few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Corey on October 13, 2009, 02:19:22 pm
Coming into this thread late, but:
lol, thats great.   

I was told this a while ago:

Why does mexico not have a olympic team?   Everyone who can run, jump, or swim is in America already.
 ;D

The first time I told that joke to my wife (an immigrant from Mexico with a vicious sense of humor) she gave me this odd look for a moment and then said "so, what's the punch line?"  :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 13, 2009, 08:39:22 pm
A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Hussein Obama is trying to gather more support for his health plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, The One starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

The One stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass.."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 13, 2009, 08:39:54 pm
The IRS decides to audit
Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa
showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win
money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my
own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the
bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to
get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you
six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and
never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides
there's
no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all
over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand
dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old
People!!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 13, 2009, 08:41:38 pm
The NCAA gives Pres. Obama the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game this week.

The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has awarded President Obama the Academy Award for Best Actor for making plans to watch a movie sometime next week. 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Deer Hunter on October 15, 2009, 04:25:43 pm
In an Auburn University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications
 to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple - the
 candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.?
  However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was
 the requirement to be a natural born citizen.?
 In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable
 individuals from becoming president.?
  The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit
 the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a
 natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
 born by C-section?'?

  Yep, these are the same 18 year olds that just elected the new President
 of the United States.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on October 15, 2009, 04:56:21 pm
:facepalm

That would be funny if it weren't true.

You just don't expect to be depressed when opening up a thread titled "The Great Big Thread of Jokes".


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on October 15, 2009, 05:22:45 pm
You just don't expect to be depressed when opening up a thread titled "The Great Big Thread of Jokes".

There, there . . . let me help (http://mylifeisaverage.com).  ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 16, 2009, 02:04:55 am
That wasn't a joke?

:panic
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on October 16, 2009, 10:55:29 am
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; It's only 2130 now.'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 16, 2009, 12:18:44 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Talking Dog
Post by: MarshallDodge on October 20, 2009, 11:00:19 pm
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 27, 2009, 06:53:29 pm
Farmer John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layer hens (called pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. John kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell at a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on his porch and fill out efficiency reports by just listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was. But one particular morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, ran for cover. To Farmer John's amazement, he saw Butch hold his bell in his beak, so it wouldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only gave Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else, but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on October 27, 2009, 11:02:29 pm
Drinking with a  Texas Girl

 
A  Mexican, An Arab, and a  Texas girl are in the same bar.  When the  Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't  need to drink with the same one twice.'

The  Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In  the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texas  girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and  calling for a refill, she says, In Texas  we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the  same ones twice..'   

God Bless TEXAS !!!

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on October 27, 2009, 11:42:56 pm
You cleaned up that joke.  Nice.  ;)


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 27, 2009, 11:53:11 pm
 ::)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on October 28, 2009, 07:36:43 am
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only gave Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else, but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

Where'd you find that one?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: wildsailer on October 28, 2009, 08:28:48 am
Harm   
 thank you  for Farmer John and Butch :rotfl :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 28, 2009, 07:57:33 pm
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out
of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot
is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passag es and is soon quite disoriented The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT,  YOU SINNER!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 28, 2009, 07:57:54 pm
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those a______s deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 28, 2009, 08:00:59 pm
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

   The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

   "Yes, Father, it is."

   "And who was the girl you were with?"

   "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

   "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
   may as well tell me now.

   Was it Tina Minetti?"
   "I cannot say."

   "Was it Teresa Volpe?"
   "I'll never tell."

   "Was it Nina Capelli?"
   "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

   "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
   "My lips are sealed"

   "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then? "
   "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

   The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi,

   and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot
be


    an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

   Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
   whispers, "What'd you get?"

   "4 months vacation and five good leads."

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 28, 2009, 08:03:24 pm
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's done?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then......"

(He sighed................)

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 28, 2009, 08:21:57 pm
My favorite joke of all time:

Quote
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.  At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." 

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 28, 2009, 08:23:44 pm
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
 
No one wanted to room  with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it was not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
 
The first guy, Bill slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, "Man what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
 
The next night it was Harry's turn.  In the morning, same thing ... Hair all standing up,eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, "Man what happened to you? You look awful."
Harry said, "That Daryl shakes the roof.  I sat up and watched him all night."
 
The third night was Frank's turn.  Frank was a big burly ex-football player, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested,
"Good morning,"  he said.
The others stared at him in amazement. 
They couldn't believe their eyes!
They said, "Man what happened?"
Frank said.
Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on October 28, 2009, 09:03:06 pm
Who's volunteering to kiss Harm goodnight next time we take a trip to Vernal?

 ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 28, 2009, 09:08:42 pm
 :scrutiny  WTH? 

 :rotfl

I'll own up to it.  I'm a snore'r
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on October 29, 2009, 06:28:28 am
Watched me all night . . .  :devillol

Love it.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: bmitchell on October 29, 2009, 08:46:10 am
I've been told I snore.  It doesn't bother me except that the guy I was staying with used to shake the bunk bed (he built it, it had a LOT of wobble) or hit me with a pillow every time I dozed off.

Ben
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 29, 2009, 01:36:41 pm
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service. Please note, He failed.

 Since that time, the federal government has  produced a large
number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI,  CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

 Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport SecurityService".
Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in
their black outfits with jackets saying across the backs: F.A.T.A.S.S.

The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the
Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home
Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.

     I feel safer already.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 29, 2009, 02:04:56 pm
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and
even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan
Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50
yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself." He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super
Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, ! all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 29, 2009, 02:10:07 pm
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the

unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile
at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,

a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched
the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s___ out of

a ghost"

Happy Halloween !
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on October 29, 2009, 02:42:26 pm
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...
do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong,
honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He
was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're
cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on November 11, 2009, 01:31:53 am
Important Petition



As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in email, but this one is important.  It has been circulating for months. Please keep it going.  To show your support for Obama's health care reform, please go to the end of the list and add your name.

1.  Nancy Pelosi
2.
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: chiwar7178 on November 11, 2009, 01:48:34 am
I had to use a porta-john the other day.  Written on the wall, in black Sharpie, was:
"LOOKING FOR A JOKE PLEASE HELP!"
Response, just below it:
[sic]"You mean something funny?  Its speled 'JOCK'."
Just below that:
"THE JOCKS' IN YOUR HAND!"--"UR MaMas hand"
Then, above the toilet seat, with a large downward-pointing arrow:
"SECRET EVACUATION ROUTE"

:doh
IDK guys... Probably some of the dudes who needed the Army to help them get their G.E.D.'s just so they could enlist.  Not that it couldn't be another service, or even civilians; just a higher likelyhood of being G.E.D.-holding soldiers due to high concentration of soldiers in this housing area.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on November 11, 2009, 05:22:07 am
Student in Search of Enlightenment:  "Professor, will the internet stamp out ignorance?"

The Learned Professor, frowned, and after five minutes shut his eyes, in concentration..the Student in Search of Enlightenment was concerned that the Learned Professor had fallen asleep...then the Learned Professor's eyes snapped open and with a piercing gaze asked, "Do you define 'stamp out' to mean crush out of existence or reproduce in vast quantity?"

Geoff
Who wishes he thought this one up.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on November 18, 2009, 09:40:34 pm
I'm not sure that GIFs can be hotlinked, but this is Clint Eastwood's version of AARP.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v353/mak104/cid__1_0505E63C0505E050005AA63E8525.gif (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v353/mak104/cid__1_0505E63C0505E050005AA63E8525.gif)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Grant on November 18, 2009, 10:58:04 pm
 A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," he volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident.

"Well," he began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was!" said Johnny. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F***", the Rottweiler ate him!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on November 25, 2009, 01:09:58 am
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend".....
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..
'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,
She does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.
He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".


*************************************************************************************************************


A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'



Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on December 01, 2009, 01:48:58 am
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on December 06, 2009, 06:13:25 pm
From www.jerrypournelle.com (http://www.jerrypournelle.com) of course:

Slide rule accuracy

Jerry,

Reading Doug Hayden's letter reminded me of a long ago bottom of the page Reader's Digest story.

An engineer working on a government contract was assigned a new secretary who had no knowledge of Scientific Vocabulary. After being interrupted many times by the New Secretary as she was transcribing his Dictaphone notes and letters he told her to just type a word that was similar to the sound of the dictated word.

After being presented with a draft of a dictated letter of a new proposal the engineer ended up literally rolling on the floor when he read the closing sentence. "The numbers in this proposal are subject to refinement since they were calculated with a sly drool."

Bob Holmes
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 08, 2009, 11:00:15 pm
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth wrote him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call.

************************************************************************************************************************************

Golf Story


A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said,
 "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.  Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee,
looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson! 


 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 08, 2009, 11:27:38 pm
I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned it
to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice
activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the
radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or
Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The
Road Again' came from the   
 speakers.

Then he said, ' Ray Charles!' and in
an instant ' Georgia On My  Mind' replaced Willie
Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next
few days, every time I'd  say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful
classical music, and if I said,  'Beatles,' I'd get one of
their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid
him.  I yelled, 'A**  Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with,
"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."


Man, I love this
truck.......
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on December 09, 2009, 07:54:08 am
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Tanner on December 14, 2009, 05:08:07 pm
 
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
 
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
 
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
 
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
 
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a dream?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
 
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
 
Johnny is even madder than before.
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
 
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
 
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
 
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
 
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b____es would keep their mouths shut!"
 
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
 
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 14, 2009, 08:09:45 pm
While trying to escape  through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it  up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you  one wish?"

Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!  Don't you know who I am?  I don't need any common woman giving me  anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must  grant you a wish or I will be returned to that  bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then  grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I  want to awaken in the morning with three American women in my bed. So just do it and be off with  you.

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and  disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
His penis was gone, his  knees were broken, and he had no health  insurance.

God is good.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on December 22, 2009, 02:03:16 am
(http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g195/evourakis/MotivationPosters-Constitution.jpg)

 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 02, 2010, 06:41:34 pm
  MISSING NOVA SCOTIAN WIFE

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

 The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

 "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

 Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

 The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

 The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on January 04, 2010, 12:47:09 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on January 04, 2010, 01:36:25 pm
The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 :devillol
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 05, 2010, 06:42:55 pm
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Larry's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Larry's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Bo Smith on January 05, 2010, 06:48:34 pm
 :clap :clap

Kudos, sir, a ten.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 06, 2010, 09:39:41 pm
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..  
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.  

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.  
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?  

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.  

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna


***************************************************************************************************************************


Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed"..... answered the kid.

"We are in America and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in America and now my name is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? 

Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called the father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming American, I was attacked by two fargin Arabs!..."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Crash_AF on January 09, 2010, 03:03:44 pm
Bus Load of Politicians Wreck
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the country side one day, on the campaign trail.

The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 10, 2010, 12:56:38 am
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .  Judge #3 was an

inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield, IL .



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at

the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is this

stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an

aphrodisiac?



CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly

ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more

tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile.

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone.



CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should

take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed

out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

painful.  I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.



CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE Judge # 1 -- The perfect
ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile.

Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going  to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chile?

Judge # 3 - No Report.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Crash_AF on January 10, 2010, 02:08:05 am
The One (1) Question Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally..
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
 
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


 THE SITUATION:
 
You are in  Florida  ,  Miami  to be specific.. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical  proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
 
You're trying to shoot career-making photos There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

 
THE TEST:
 
Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar.. you suddenly realize who they are.
 
It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever.
 
You have two options:
 
You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people
 
NOW,
Here's the question; and please give an honest answer...

Would you select;  high contrast color film,
or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on January 11, 2010, 06:55:22 pm
The economy is so bad... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad... That CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad... McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad... Parents in  Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad... A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad... Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad... The Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on January 12, 2010, 12:38:03 pm
Stevie Ray I just laughed so hard my sides are killing me!  I'm not from New Mexico but in Arizona it's not too far off the truth.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 15, 2010, 11:17:36 pm
 AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
 
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m.  E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
 After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
 The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
 In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 21, 2010, 03:23:26 pm
An Indian picks up a hooker. 'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Indian style?'

'No' she says.

' I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'

The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government'

**************************************************************************************************************

Strangers on my Flight

http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm (http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on January 21, 2010, 05:59:10 pm
 :facepalm

oh so bad!


but I laughed...  :nervous

 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 22, 2010, 01:10:23 am
(http://bunkstrutts.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/catfound_weirdbiz_080508.jpg?w=336&h=453)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on January 22, 2010, 07:30:25 am
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on January 22, 2010, 03:30:05 pm
Is that a possum?  :scrutiny


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on January 22, 2010, 03:31:31 pm
An Arab diplomat visiting in the United States for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American foods, so he was forever sending his manservant, Abdul to fetch glasses of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water.  On this occasion, though, Abdul, returned empty-handed!

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, Oh Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but, there is a man sitting on the well."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on January 22, 2010, 03:33:36 pm
THAT is brilliant.  :devillol

Is that a possum?  :scrutiny


-T.

I think that's the point . . .  ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on January 22, 2010, 03:35:33 pm
Oh I know what the point is.  I just couldn't figure out which wild animal it was.


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on January 22, 2010, 03:39:19 pm
Oh I know what the point is.  I just couldn't figure out which wild animal it was.


-T.

Ah, I see. Apparently we're each wrong, though; it's an Opossum, not a possum. I never could keep those straight . . .
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on January 22, 2010, 03:43:14 pm
Ah, I see. Apparently we're each wrong, though; it's an Opossum, not a possum. I never could keep those straight . . .

Gotta be careful. If you let an opossum and a possum touch the explosion would be enormous.

Pasta and antipasta collisions don't even bear thinking about.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on January 22, 2010, 03:44:15 pm
Gotta be careful. If you let an opossum and a possum touch the explosion would be enormous.

Pasta and antipasta collisions don't even bear thinking about.

 :hide

No, definitely not.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 23, 2010, 03:08:42 pm
Quote
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog

chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout

line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and

have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a

dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably

shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that

I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with

tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way

that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it

again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line

was now enthralled with my story.)



Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the

dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I got a wicked urge to lick

my nuts in the middle of the street and got hit by a car.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 24, 2010, 01:22:35 am
My Neighbors.............

The lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for Christmas.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 24, 2010, 01:32:12 am
 Those
> wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with
> typewriters. These sentences
> actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
> church services:
> --------------------------
> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes
> meals.
> --------------------------
> The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the
> Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for
> Jesus.'
> --------------------------
> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
> chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
> the house. Bring your husbands.
> --------------------------
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
> Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to
> someone who doesn't care much about
> you.
> --------------------------
> Don't let worry kill you off
>  - let the Church help.
> --------------------------
> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way
> again,' giving obvious pleasure to the
> congregation.
> --------------------------
> For those of you who have children and don't know it,
> we have a nursery downstairs.
> --------------------------
> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They
> need all the help they can get.
> --------------------------
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
> in the
>  church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
> days.
>
> --------------------------
> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
> hall. Music will follow.
> --------------------------
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
> 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir
> practice
> --------------------------
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
> addition of several new members and to the deterioration of
> some older ones.
> --------------------------
> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
> be recycled. Proceeds will be used
> to cripple children.
> --------------------------
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
> deceased person you want remembered.
> --------------------------
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
> entertainment and gracious hostility.
> --------------------------
> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
> follow.
> --------------------------
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
> kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
> afternoon.
> --------------------------
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
> park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
> prepared to sin.
> --------------------------
> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
> All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
> the B. S. is done.
> --------------------------
> The pastor
>  would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation
> would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
> breakfast next Sunday.
> --------------------------
> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
> Please use the back door.
> -------------------------
> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
> Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The
> congregation is invited to attend this
> tragedy.
> --------------------------
> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
> campaign slogan last Sunday:
> "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 24, 2010, 03:18:57 am
Ambiguous much?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Plebian on January 24, 2010, 03:32:41 pm
Quote
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
> kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
> afternoon.
> --------------------------
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
> park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
> prepared to sin.

Dang sounds like my kind of church.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Beamish on January 24, 2010, 10:17:05 pm
Guess who has been sober for over 90 Days?



...


...


...


...


...


...


...


...


...


...


(http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y117/Beamish15/GuessWhosbeensoberfor90days.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on January 24, 2010, 10:22:02 pm
 :rotfl

But how many people are visiting his grave and pouring one out for their homie comrade? He could be remaining pretty well pickled.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Beamish on January 24, 2010, 10:26:22 pm
Gallagher was on The Opie and Anthony Show (on XM) a few weeks ago and dropped this gem: 


"Do you know why Ted Kennedy was not upset when the was diagnosed with brain cancer?"


"He always wanted a hole in his head like his brothers..."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 24, 2010, 10:49:42 pm
Guess who has been sober for over 90 Days

:rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on January 25, 2010, 02:47:08 am
 :rotfl

Speaking of Ted Kennedy, this was in my inbox this morning.

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.  The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: chiwar7178 on January 25, 2010, 02:51:14 am
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on January 25, 2010, 08:50:59 am
 :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 25, 2010, 06:03:25 pm
 :rotfl  :devillol
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 28, 2010, 07:28:28 pm

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup..
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
 
"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
 
Hole in one.
 
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
 
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit  Las Vegas ...."

" They go to  Las Vegas  and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
 
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
 
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table..

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
 
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
 
With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.

 "And that is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God, or my name isn't Tiger Woods."
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on January 28, 2010, 07:45:07 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
------------

Okay, I think I finally got a good one.

A young pastor fresh out of seminary starts a church in a big-sized town. Now, the town already has two churches, but both of the veteran pastors are more than willing to welcome another man of the cloth into the community. They decide to take their new friend out fishing one Saturday afternoon. The three of them drive out to the lake, unload the boat, row all the way out to the center of the lake, when they realize they left all of their bait back in the truck.

"Don't worry," the first veteran pastor says, "I'll get them." With that, he hops out of the boat and, to the young pastor's amazement, walks across the water to the shore, retrieves the bait, and walks back. Needless to say, the young pastor is struck speechless by this remarkable display of faith.

Twenty minutes later, the second veteran pastor remembers that he promised to call his wife once the three of them got to the lake, but he left his phone in the truck's glove compartment. "Excuse me," he says, "I'll be back in a few minutes. He too hops out of the boat and walks across the water to the shore. A quick phone call later and he returns to the boat the same way.

Now the young pastor is overcome with emotion at the incredible levels of faith and devotion displayed by his two older compatriots. Wishing to show that he too is devout and faithful, he leaps from the boat.... and promptly sinks like a stone.

The second veteran pastor turns to his old friend and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on January 29, 2010, 04:42:08 am
I heard the one about the frog before, except it was Bill Clinton.  Make the gorgeous girl a 10 year old and the joke could be about Michael Jackson...

Warning:  This one is politically incorrect and could be offensive to some.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.  Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.  'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.  'They're mating,' he replied.  'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.  'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.  'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.  As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Not really a spoiler, just didn't know what else to use to hide the potentially offensive part.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on January 29, 2010, 06:13:51 am
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 30, 2010, 09:49:30 pm
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to
my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 mph with
her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big
Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and
disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers ! !
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 30, 2010, 10:41:59 pm
(http://www.gunslot.com/files/gunslot/images/54048.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on January 30, 2010, 10:46:37 pm
What did I tell you guys about that logo?

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 30, 2010, 10:54:02 pm
:rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Canthros on January 30, 2010, 11:08:29 pm
What did I tell you guys about that logo?
:nervous

The one thing I don't understand: why is he hiding in a jacuzzi? Does zack hate bubbles?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on January 30, 2010, 11:12:36 pm
Hiding in a bathtub for certain circumstances might make sense if you have an old fashioned cast iron or maybe porcelain tub, but with fiberglass or ABS plastic it's just really lousy concealment.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 30, 2010, 11:31:35 pm
Anti-lock plastic?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JD on January 30, 2010, 11:32:31 pm
What did I tell you guys about that logo?



Bwahahahahah! 
     :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: MarshallDodge on January 31, 2010, 12:04:49 am
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

 
1.The stamp is in perfect order.

 
2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.

 
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Beamish on January 31, 2010, 12:25:44 am
:nervous

The one thing I don't understand: why is he hiding in a jacuzzi? Does zack hate bubbles?
It was a series of "I Am Legend" pics the ARFCOMMERS posted - Will Smith is shown curled up in the tub with his M4 during the start of the trailer.

(http://www.bennadel.com/resources/uploads/i_am_legend_will_smith_in_bathtub_with_samantha.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on January 31, 2010, 01:26:47 am
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.


'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would
get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'


'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.


'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.


'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to
think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
little bit.


And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd
love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to
tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone
anymore.'


Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'


'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot the bastard.'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 31, 2010, 01:37:19 am
I didn't even notice the dog on my original post until I went back and looked at it.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on February 01, 2010, 08:04:39 am
What did I tell you guys about that logo?



BWA HA HA.  :devillol
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 01, 2010, 06:57:27 pm
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.
       I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make    I found the number and dialed it A man answered, saying 'Hello. I politely said, Hello. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'  
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.  I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.      
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
      When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a**hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a**hole". It always cheered me up.
      
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic  'a**hole'
calling would have to stop.
      
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi,  this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
        
He yelled
'NO!'
and slammed down the phone.
      
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an a**hole!'
and hung up.
    
One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
    
Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
      
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.
      
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
      
A couple of days later,
right after calling the first a**hole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.
    
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
      
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
      
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
    
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree  Blvd , in Fairfax .
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
      
I asked,
'What's your name?'
    
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'
        
I asked,
'When's  a good time to catch you, Don?'
      
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
    
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
    
He said,
'Yes?'
      
I said,
'Don, you're an a**hole!'
      
Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.
      
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two a**holes to call.
    
Then I came up with an idea...
      
I called a**hole #1.
    
He said,
'Hello.'
    
I said,
'You're an a**hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
    
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
      
I said,
'Yeah!'
      
He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'
      
I said,
'Make me,'
      
He asked,
'Who are you?'
    
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
    
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
      
I said,
'A**hole, I live at 34  Oaktree  Blvd , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer  parked in front.'
      
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
      
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,'
and hung up.
    
Then I called A**hole #2.
      
He said,
'Hello?'
      
I said,
'Hello, a**hole,'
      
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
      
I said,
'You'll what?'
      
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass,'
      
I answered,
'Well, a**hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
    
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at  34  Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
      
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..
        
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
    
I got there just in time to watch two a**holes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
      
NOW I feel much better.
    
Anger management really does work.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on February 01, 2010, 07:04:28 pm
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. A big :clap to you, man.  :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on February 01, 2010, 07:15:12 pm
:rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

That was damn funny.  :rotfl


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on February 01, 2010, 08:22:19 pm
 :rotfl

If we ever have a best joke award, I nominate that one!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on February 01, 2010, 08:30:31 pm
Oh MY GOSH!!!  THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!! 

HA HA HA
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: chiwar7178 on February 01, 2010, 11:31:18 pm
Stevie-Ray... That sounds like something I'd do. :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: archerandshooter on February 01, 2010, 11:36:52 pm
There 10 kinds of people in the world.


Those who understand binary math.
And those who don't.
 :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on February 02, 2010, 05:18:52 pm
The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning, and they told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken and almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a brazilian?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 03, 2010, 01:21:43 am
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/129096062159249616.jpg)

(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/epic-fail-suburban-parents-fail.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 04, 2010, 12:31:28 am
Quote
"Just how many is a brazilian?"
:rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 05, 2010, 10:54:13 pm
(http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/Barrels-are-mandatory.jpg)

So you gonna get a barrel for that?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on February 05, 2010, 11:28:37 pm
He SBR'd it.  Just forgot to cut the shroud down...  :)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 08, 2010, 01:24:47 am
Quote
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious 'Al-Gebra' movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.'
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

Credit is due to whomever came up with it, because I haven't got a clue.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sohmdaddy on February 08, 2010, 03:37:05 am
(http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/Barrels-are-mandatory.jpg)

So you gonna get a barrel for that?

Nah, too heavy.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on February 08, 2010, 07:48:50 pm
'Al-Gebra'!!!   :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :clap   That is just awesome.



A woman walked up to a wrinkled, little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on February 08, 2010, 08:01:34 pm
San Francisco does their part to help out in Haiti:

(perfectly safe for work, don't worry)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 08, 2010, 08:22:54 pm
Wow.  It even has pussified handwriting.  Fail.


Funny thing is that the Arabs did invent algebra.  The name comes from the term "al-jabr."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on February 08, 2010, 08:26:34 pm
San Francisco does their part to help out in Haiti:

:facepalm :rotfl

Seriously, who's doing yoga in Haiti?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JKimball on February 08, 2010, 08:38:52 pm
Quote
Seriously, who's doing yoga in Haiti?

In fairness, a yoga mat would make a pretty good bed compared to the hard ground.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on February 08, 2010, 11:24:21 pm
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!




I was so depressed last night thinking about the proposed Health Care legislation, Social Security, the economy, the wars, the lost jobs, my savings, and my retirement IRA, that I called Lifeline -  the suicide help line. I got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
> >
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on February 09, 2010, 01:07:57 pm
An important message from the president to you regarding healthcare:

Maybe slightly NSFW.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 10, 2010, 10:19:31 pm
Not a joke

King Arthur and the Witch:


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question:  What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Tableand Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of theRound Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

"What a woman really wants," she answered..."is to be in charge of her own life."
 
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lie before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

 






The moral is....
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 10, 2010, 10:35:35 pm
Good.  No pop-up surprise pictures of Nancy Pelosi.  I'm relieved.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on February 10, 2010, 11:07:46 pm
We can arrange for that if you'd like...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 11, 2010, 12:12:40 am
We can arrange for that if you'd like...

No, that's clearly a party foul and violates human rights.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on February 15, 2010, 09:13:23 am
To FMJ:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)



I actually did this myself on a whim; it communicates my opinions towards man-made global warming quite clearly. 

Global Warming A-Z
"A" is for Al Gore. An overweight white boy who enjoys backing up his "global warming is real" statements with studies that have in fact concluded the exact opposite.

"B" is for Barbara Streisand. A self-proclaimed expert on weather and how it is related to global warming.

"C" is for carbon dioxide. A gas that, when conserved by global warming advocate, gives them the right to become smug.

"D" is for dollars, which environmentalists insist we give them an unlimited supply of to repair the ozone layer.

"E" is for El Niño, which environmentalists insist is because of global warming, despite the fact that it has been going on since the Jurassic period.

"F" is for fracture in the earth's crust, or earthquake, which Danny Glover insisted was caused by global warming.

"G" is for global warming advocate. These hippies are renowned for their ability to look down on the rest of mankind for not conserving energy as much as they do.

"H" is for hothouse, which environmentalists insist earth is becoming a giant one of, all because of us big bad humans.

"I" is for India, which environmentalists insist is not causing the global warming problem . . . it is the US and the US alone.

"J" is for jelly donut. See "Al Gore" again.

"K" is for king-sized. See "Al Gore" . . . again.

"L" is for looseness, which is the policy environmentalists like to apply to the facts.

"M" is for mania. See "'Nuff Said."

"N" is for 'nuff said. See "Mania."

"O" is for ozone layer, which environmentalists insist the US is destroying, despite lots of evidence that says otherwise.

"P" is for persistence. Environmentalists utilize this by repeatedly ignoring the facts and telling you that they are right.

"Q" is for quack. See "Al Gore" yet again.

"R" is for regulations on absolutely everything, which environmentalists insist will solve the global warming "problem."

"S" is for server, which was hacked and caused Climategate.

"T" is for transform, which is what environmentalists did with their theory when it was proved wrong. See, in the '60s, they were worried about a new ice age, and now they're worried about the earth heating up. Hmm.

"U" is for underwater, which is where environmentalists insist New York will be in two years unless we give them a kajillion dollars.

"V" is for vested interests, which the environmentalists have in global warming and grants them the mysterious ability to become rich off of global warming.

"W, X, Y, and Z" are simply the only letters I was unable to think of terms for.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: archerandshooter on February 15, 2010, 09:14:24 pm
How about these?...

W is for warming, which all this snow in Texas makes me wish was real.

X is for X-rays, which the environmentalists will use on our wallets to find any dollars they haven't taxed away yet.

Y is for Yukon, the soon-to-be home of hot-climate desert-loving creatures everywhere.

Z is for ZERO, which is how much credibility Gore & Co have left.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on February 15, 2010, 09:35:47 pm
Not so much a joke but an excerpt from a conversation I had earlier today. A little background: I am taking a course in fencing this semester to fulfill my biokinetics requirement. Pretty much everyone in the class has never fenced before, except one guy; he's been part of a fencing club for something like 6 years. No one wants to fence with him because he's world's better than the rest of us. After class today, I got to talking to the class' TA (who's a friend of mine), and the conversation eventually turned to this guy.

TA: I don't understand why no one wants to fight this guy; he's so good, you'd think they'd ask him to give them pointers.

Me: Hey, I've fought with him a couple times, and he's given me a whole lot of pointers. Mostly around the solar plexus.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on February 16, 2010, 03:12:17 pm
to fulfill my biokinetics requirement

Is that a college word for "gym class?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on February 16, 2010, 06:35:04 pm
Yep, 'tis just a fancy way of saying gym.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 17, 2010, 11:25:26 pm
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... 



   
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


 

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
 
 
 
*****************************************************************************************************************



New Supermarket In Oklahoma

A new supermarket opened in Norman. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 19, 2010, 07:29:20 pm
(http://shazycrit.com/index2.php?option=com_datsogallery&func=wmark&mid=1016)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 19, 2010, 08:03:54 pm
(http://shazycrit.com/index2.php?option=com_datsogallery&func=wmark&mid=1040)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Canthros on February 19, 2010, 08:10:50 pm
That's ... uh, FMJ? I'm not sure that's a joke, per se.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 19, 2010, 08:13:56 pm
If I go to college, I think I'm going to opt for Option #2.  I can say I'm a history major, I know people would believe that--or an Italian (since I speak some and like Ferraris).
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 22, 2010, 08:51:47 pm
A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do. ''Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.' 'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified.

'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

 'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think people like Nancy Pelosi come from.'

 

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on February 24, 2010, 12:48:45 pm
^ Womp womp.

:clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 25, 2010, 07:55:14 pm
(http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/object2/1386/47/n320658848381_1813.jpg)

(http://i49.tinypic.com/2eao50l.jpg)

Sorry about the fact that it says A-hole, but it is very fitting.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on February 26, 2010, 01:52:32 am
Crazy word game This is so strange!!!!



A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?

B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking idiots and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, bastards with you"?












How weird is that???
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on February 26, 2010, 07:27:04 am
Joker wins the thread. :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on February 26, 2010, 07:03:47 pm
JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and
asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give
Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him
and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the
strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips
out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm
collecting disability."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on February 27, 2010, 12:26:30 am
Joker wins the thread. :rotfl

Technically, Daylight wins the thread.  He emailed it to me.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 27, 2010, 12:34:06 am
(http://i208.photobucket.com/albums/bb104/spiceninja/Samuel.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 01, 2010, 08:28:38 pm
(http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs459.ash1/25251_337861501470_284677336470_4133971_6137449_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 02, 2010, 12:30:54 am
> > The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same
> > day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope
> went
> > to Hell and Tiger went
> > to Heaven.
 
> > The Pope explains the situation to the administrative
> clerk
> > in
> > Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that
> there is
> > an
> > error.
> > "However", the clerk explains, "it will be
> > 24 hours before it can
> > be rectified".

> > Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him

> > farewell.

> > On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down
> from
> > Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

> > Pope:  "Sorry about the mix
> > up."

> > Tiger:  "No problem."
> > Pope: "I am really anxious to get
> > to heaven."

> > Tiger: "Why is that?"

> > Pope: "All my life I have wanted
> > to meet the Virgin Mary"

> > Tiger: "You're a day late."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on March 02, 2010, 12:33:40 am
OH MY GOSH!!!  That was BAD!!!   :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl  So was not expecting the end to that one! 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 02, 2010, 12:48:38 am
Secret Code

After a President has been in office for one year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife.  She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message.  They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud .... you're holding it upside down!'

 
*******************************************************************************************************************





    The year is 1947

    

    Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

    

    However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

    

      Albert A. Gore, Jr..

      Hillary Rodham

      John F... Kerry

      William J. Clinton

      Howard Dean

      Nancy Pelosi

      Dianne Feinstein

      Charles E. Schumer

      Barbara Boxer

    

      See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

      I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

    

      No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!


************************************************************************************************************************



Little Firefighter



A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 03, 2010, 07:01:40 pm
      HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A
      POSITIVE OUTLOOK
> 1. Open a new
      file in your computer.
      
> 2. Name it
      'Barack Obama'.
> 3. Send it to
      the Recycle Bin.
> 4. Empty the
      Recycle Bin.
> 5. Your PC will
      ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
      
> 6. Firmly Click
      'Yes.'
> 7. Feel better?
      GOOD! -
      Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi  

************************************************************************************************************************

A Blonde's Year in  Review

January  Took new scarf back to  store because it was too tight. 

February  Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box
said '2-4 years!'

April  Trapped on escalator for  hours ...  Power went out!!!

May Tried to make Kool  Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! 

June Tried to go water  skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.   

July Lost breast stroke  swimming competition..... Learned later, the other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August Got locked out of my car  in rain storm..... Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September     The capital of  California is  'C'.....isn't it???   

October Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel. 

November     Baked turkey for 4 1/2  days  ...  Instructions said  1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! 

December

Couldn't  call  911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid 
phone!!! 



THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A  man was in his front yard mowing grass when his  attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed  it shut and stormed back into the  house.   

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed  it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There  certainly is!'





'My stupid computer keeps  saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on March 04, 2010, 05:31:14 pm
Tiger: "You're a day late."

Oh . . . wow.

 :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 05, 2010, 10:48:30 pm
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/political-pictures-vejjajiva-erdogan-saud-al-faisal-obama-berlusconi-hu-medvedev.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: AR lover on March 05, 2010, 11:25:31 pm
(http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs425.ash1/23531_1366065640534_1498454365_30989752_3004599_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 05, 2010, 11:56:17 pm
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/political-pictures-skipping-confession.jpg)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 07, 2010, 06:44:49 pm
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense
of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major
airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 10, 2010, 10:06:10 pm
(http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%253A%252F%252Fimg192.imageshack.us%252Fimg192%252F3885%252F1268201426400w.jpg&h=a79a81057956efe494bbd261059d51e9&ref=mf)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 10, 2010, 10:19:26 pm
HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.

So she continues upward.  The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

 

PLEASE  NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: akodo on March 10, 2010, 10:33:21 pm
Why did the Romans eventually stop with the Colosseum shows?

The lions ate up all the profits     (Prophets)


Van Gogh goes into a bar and sits down.  An art history professor spots him and walks over, introduces himself and says 'Let me get you something! what do you want? A glass of wine? a beer? scotch?

Van Gogh says 'I have one ear'  (one here)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: archerandshooter on March 10, 2010, 11:01:18 pm
A B-flat, a D-flat and an F walk into a bar.   The bartender tells them, "we don't serve minors in here".



So the D-flat leaves and the B-flat and the F have an open fifth between them.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on March 11, 2010, 06:21:23 am
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 :devillol
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on March 15, 2010, 05:20:21 pm
Split the fencing post.

https://wethearmed.com/index.php/topic,8344.0.html (https://wethearmed.com/index.php/topic,8344.0.html)


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 19, 2010, 01:48:12 am
(http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/4559/aa5fn.jpg)

(http://i368.photobucket.com/albums/oo123/ElDiabloRobotico/teethshark-1.jpg)

50% of ARFCOM:
(http://img2.imageshack.us/img2/9772/47181095432459889104891.jpg)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

This one is way big:
http://www.zougla.gr/Uploads/michael/ww2onfacebook.jpg (http://www.zougla.gr/Uploads/michael/ww2onfacebook.jpg)

All of these made my day a little better.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on March 19, 2010, 03:50:16 am
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

Loved the last link!!!


Warning: the following is politically incorrect and racially insensitive.  Like that's gonna stop anybody...


ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND
 
 Please be advised: Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and
 I-90 will be closed this weekend!
 
 Expect long delays along these interstate highways
 plus major traffic disruptions in:
 
Charleston , WV 
Louisville , KY 
St Louis, MO 
Kansas City , MO     
Omaha , NE
 
A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota 
so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt. Rushmore .
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Splodge Of Doom on March 20, 2010, 04:23:16 pm
Where are cannibals introduced to new people?

At the Meat 'N' Greet!

Don't hurt me!... :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 21, 2010, 10:20:14 pm
(http://hphotos-snc3.fbcdn.net/hs110.snc3/15744_1240649507275_1560430301_30631259_6525355_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Deer Hunter on March 21, 2010, 11:03:28 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on March 21, 2010, 11:07:46 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

 :rotfl


 :-\


 :scrutiny


 :cuss
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on March 22, 2010, 08:29:29 am
A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota 
so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt. Rushmore .

Oh, that's bad. :rotfl

Seriously, though, I wonder if there will start to be a push to commemorate everyone's favorite politician/rock star in some lasting way.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on March 22, 2010, 04:42:35 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Please!  We need a separate thread for HORROR STORIES!

Geoff
Who has been warning since the 60s...sigh.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on March 22, 2010, 08:32:35 pm
Oh, that's bad. :rotfl

Seriously, though, I wonder if there will start to be a push to commemorate everyone's favorite politician/rock star in some lasting way.

I'll donate all the turds my household can generate in a month as building materials for the statue...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Bo Smith on March 25, 2010, 02:24:32 pm
In honor of health care "reform" allow me to polish this old chestnut:

Ordering a Pizza from Big Brother

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn"

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

Customer: "@#%/[email protected]&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on March 25, 2010, 03:55:54 pm
Yeah I've heard the audio for that one.  Brave New World indeed.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on March 25, 2010, 09:22:23 pm
In honor of health care "reform" allow me to polish this old chestnut:

I love it. :rotfl :clap






<< Corrected post subject from split - Thernlund >>
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 29, 2010, 07:52:33 pm
(http://nerfnow.com/comic/image/214)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Bo Smith on March 29, 2010, 11:09:33 pm
Dear Lord, In the past year you have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze; my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett; my favorite musician, Michael Jackson; my favorite salesman, Billy Mays; and my favorite athlete, Steve McNair. This has been a tough 12 months and I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama. Amen
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on April 02, 2010, 10:25:45 pm
(http://afrocityblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/dream-prompt.jpg?w=384&h=576)


EDIT:  I just now noticed the background.  :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on April 03, 2010, 04:07:21 am
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on April 05, 2010, 08:01:00 pm
 :bravo :cheers
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on April 09, 2010, 09:51:16 am
(http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c359/Voldy26/photo.jpg)

Notice the setting AND the camera.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on April 12, 2010, 12:50:40 am
(http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l0fv24CuFZ1qzy1hfo1_500.png)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on April 21, 2010, 01:06:58 am
(http://hphotos-snc3.fbcdn.net/hs442.snc3/25368_414468736833_313624401833_5119021_3269115_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on April 22, 2010, 12:24:03 am
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Raleigh , NC (UPI) -- Jeff Gordon announced today that he was
>firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to
> take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem
> youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
> documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a
> set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment; whereas
> Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of
> dollars worth of high tech equipment.
>
> It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management
> team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.
>
> However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!
> At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced
> crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within
> 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered
> the VIN, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud Lite, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff
> Gordon's wife in the shower.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on April 23, 2010, 10:12:27 am
 :rotfl :rotfl

HA HA HA HA

Now THATS FUNNY!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on May 02, 2010, 11:19:57 pm
(http://www.bugcomic.com/comics/2009-11-23-Categorizing-Cri.gif)
Title: The Marine and the insurgent
Post by: LittleLebowski on May 04, 2010, 12:27:51 pm
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men. The squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved.

"He yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive, and Obama is an idiot.

"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!'

"And there we were in the middle of the road, shaking hands . . when we were hit by a truck."
Title: Re: The Marine and the insurgent
Post by: FMJ on May 04, 2010, 12:32:35 pm
:rotfl
Title: Re: The Marine and the insurgent
Post by: huey148 on May 04, 2010, 02:39:04 pm
Ah, that's an oldie but a goody!

here's one in return:

A hundred taliban fighters are walking through a pass in the Kush in Afghanistan when suddenly a US Special Forces soldier darts out in front of them, shows him his foot and quickly runs back behind a large group of boulders.

"Oh the great insult!" the tali leader shouts out "Ahkmed, go bring me the head of that infidel!"

Ahkmed runs off behind the boulder brandishing a large knife, a scuffle is heard and the SF trooper reappears, tosses Ahkmed's head back at his comrades, shoots the shocked group the bird and darts back behind the boulders.

"You shall pay for this you American dog!" screams the leader...Omar, you and Houshmand go end this vile creatures days"

Off the two run with AK's behind the boulders, a burst of AK fire is heard and the taliban groups stares at amazement as the bodies of the two are thrown back over the boulders and land before them with their own AK rifles protruding out of their backsides.

"OH GREAT SATAN YOU SHALL PAY!!!" the leader screams and charges the boulder with half his group in tow carrying AK's, machine guns and PRG's..

a great commotion is heard with shouting, automatic weapons fire, explosions and flames erupting in the fight....

as the remaining taliban stand around wondering what to do the leader appears crawling from behind the boulders, his arm twisted and broken behind his back, one eye ripped out of the socket, a deep gash across his chest and one leg completely ripped off....suddenly a hand appears from behind the boulder, grabs the taliban commanders one remaining ankle and starts dragging him back behind the boulder...

"Save yourselves brothers!!" cries the leader  "its a trap...there are TWO of them!!!!!"""

Title: Re: The Marine and the insurgent
Post by: Matthew Mayner on May 04, 2010, 02:45:38 pm
Nice.   :clap
Title: Re: The Marine and the insurgent
Post by: Storyteller on May 04, 2010, 03:32:21 pm
A small group of US marines returned from a patrol. The acting commander stopped the squad leader and asked him how the patrol went. The squad leader stated the patrol was uneventful. They did, however find 7 Iraqi terrorists on the side of the road so they buried them. The acting commander simply said, "So they were all dead." The squad leader replied,"Well sir, three of them said they weren't but you know how those guys will lie to us." :shrug
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 04, 2010, 08:22:34 pm
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one really good deed, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed my Keltec P-32 from my pocket, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and shot him in the head with the P-32. Laid him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' "

St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on May 04, 2010, 08:28:06 pm
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/outbreak.png)


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on May 05, 2010, 07:32:51 am
"Oh, about two minutes ago."

 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Skeptic49 on May 05, 2010, 02:21:26 pm
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
         
         He replied, "She called Five Horses".
     
         The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
         
         What does it mean?"
         
       The Old Indian answered,
         "It is an old Indian Name. It means . . .
         
          . . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"

Geoff
Who notes he nags more than his wife.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: M1911a1lvr on May 05, 2010, 03:01:00 pm
I saw a bumper sticker on a back of a truck the other day, It said:

    "Gotta a gun for my wife, What a trade!!. :rotfl

Then i saw another one on the back of a car:

   "There are Omnivores, Carnivores and Vegetarians. Me I'm a Vaginatarian."  :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: stephendutton on May 05, 2010, 05:30:50 pm
Iceland went bankrupt, then suddenly caught fire.
I am I the only one who thinks this sounds like an insurance scam?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on May 08, 2010, 12:59:47 am
(http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2009/2/15/633703058047310760-BaconHeavenInheaventherearenoheartattacks.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on May 08, 2010, 01:16:41 am
I nominate this page for the funniest page thus far.  Awesome guys. 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on May 08, 2010, 01:20:29 am
FMJ, I think I had a heart attack just from looking at that picture!   >:D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on May 08, 2010, 02:22:26 am
I like how the trees farthest to the left or right are made out of either jamon serrano, or prosciutto.
Title: Joke of the Day
Post by: Bud on May 09, 2010, 01:01:59 pm
The Haircut

 One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

 After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist
was pleased and left the shop.

 When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.'  The cop was happy and left the shop.

 The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the
shop.

 The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


 BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME
REASON!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on May 13, 2010, 11:14:42 pm
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1004/160-years-ago-1859-demotivational-poster-1270682272.jpg)

Edit by JesseL to fix broken img tag
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Deer Hunter on May 13, 2010, 11:18:44 pm
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1004/160-years-ago-1859-demotivational-poster-1270682272.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on May 13, 2010, 11:33:10 pm
(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Icemedic/Forum%20Junk/fubar.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on May 16, 2010, 01:54:04 am
(http://i571.photobucket.com/albums/ss152/vantec08/victoriatexas.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on May 18, 2010, 02:37:25 am
Indiana Girls . . .

Three friends married women from different parts of the midwest.  The first man married a woman from Ohio.  He told her that she was to do the dishes and keep the house cleaned.  It took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Michigan.  He gave his wife instructions to do all the cleaning, the cooking and the dishes.  The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw things were getting better.  When he came home the third day he saw the house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a nice dinner ready for him on the table.

The third man married a woman from Indiana.  He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes done, lawn mowed, laundry done and have a hot meal on the table when he came home.  The first day he didn't see anything.  The second day he didn't see anything.  By the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.  His arm was healed enough that he could make himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.  He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 21, 2010, 12:00:39 pm
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow.  Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his f****n' widow."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 21, 2010, 12:08:48 pm


A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger.'
 The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
 'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming
or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
 'OK,' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'
 The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
 To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know
s**t?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on May 30, 2010, 08:18:50 pm
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/fail-owned-screwdriver.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on June 02, 2010, 12:10:04 pm
(http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk25/gdr_11/untitled.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on June 02, 2010, 12:17:49 pm
That would be funny, except it's true. Replace the words "white man" with "Washington" and it becomes even more true.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Bo Smith on June 02, 2010, 11:41:17 pm
Gary Coleman's casket:

(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/4043/6154703500.jpg)

It already has his name on it.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on June 02, 2010, 11:45:08 pm
:rotfl  :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Crash_AF on June 03, 2010, 02:03:11 am
OMG... I don't know whether to  :facepalm or  :rotfl ....

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on June 03, 2010, 03:56:54 pm
That's f'd up.

But still funny. 


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on June 03, 2010, 04:55:08 pm
 :facepalm Now that's just cold.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Bo Smith on June 03, 2010, 06:14:56 pm
:facepalm Now that's just cold.

Groan.

I expect those kinds of puns from Feud. Now everyone wants a piece of the action.  :D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Bo Smith on June 04, 2010, 11:15:08 pm
:facepalm Now that's just cold.

Just saw on the news they're gonna cremate him instead:

(http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/8953/5712756500.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Crash_AF on June 14, 2010, 07:45:59 pm
Did you hear that they finally invented a car that runs on water?






Unfortunately, that water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on June 30, 2010, 03:06:58 pm
An attractive ( ok - drop dead gorgeous ) blonde stewardess was welcoming passengers aboard a flight from New Orleans to Washington D.C. when one of the passengers handed her a box of frozen crab.  He told her it was frozen and it was imperative that it remain so for the duration of the flight.  The stewardess told him she would personally stow the box in the crew's freezer compartment and it would be fine.  The passenger went on and on in the manner of pompous windbags and explained that he was an attorney and what kind of legal trouble he could cause her if that box even began to thaw before landing.  At this point he was holding up the boarding process so she agin assured him and directed him to his seat.  Ticked off at the pompous arrogance of the man the stewardess returned to cabin forward and prepared for takeoff.

Just prior to final approach to Washington Dulles airport the stewardess came over the cabin intercomm with the following:  " Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"  No one moved.  She repeated the announcement but still no response.  The plane landed with out incident and afterward the stewardess took the crab home and had a lovely dinner with friends.

Two things to learn here:   a)  Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.  b)  Blondes aren't as dumb as we think they are.      ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 02, 2010, 10:49:38 am
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the
podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom,
had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have
experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire
around it to hold it in place."

A gain, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice,
"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." A ll the men sighed
with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone
else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 02, 2010, 11:03:24 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on July 06, 2010, 05:14:48 pm
(http://epicwinftw.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/7a8a6a1c-3417-49f3-8366-386f66f6b652.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Crash_AF on July 13, 2010, 10:33:40 pm
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
 
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
 
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
 
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.
 
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
 
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
 
The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr.. U..S. Marine, what is your final wish?
 
'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine...
 
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
 
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
 
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.
 
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.
 
In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.
 
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
 
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor.....?'

Semper Fi!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on July 14, 2010, 12:50:16 am
nice    :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 18, 2010, 05:41:24 pm
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v474/themadhatter-1/hatestapco.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on July 18, 2010, 09:03:46 pm
I love those.

(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y257/2transams/churchsign.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 19, 2010, 12:06:35 am
(http://www.the-armory.com/shopsite_sc/store/html/media/Glock/Glock_compensator.jpg)

It even looks like devil horns.  :devillol  >:D

The REAL dark side
(http://jsgunparts.com/store/images/20.gif)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on July 19, 2010, 10:02:52 am
'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor.....?'

What's really pathetic is that probably isn't too far from the truth.  ::)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 19, 2010, 08:18:45 pm
(http://i587.photobucket.com/albums/ss313/taco130130/tattoo-locations.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Deer Hunter on July 20, 2010, 03:51:12 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Dirty words.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on July 21, 2010, 11:08:59 am
Love the last two posts. :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Molson on July 21, 2010, 12:06:10 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Dirty words.

:rotfl That's one of the funniest damn things I've read in awhile. 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on July 21, 2010, 06:47:30 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Dirty words.

^Awesome.  :clap

I don't know why but this cracked me up:

(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y257/2transams/fastnfurious.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Splodge Of Doom on July 24, 2010, 03:41:12 pm
^^ Awesomeness! ;D

I got [a kinda bad] one!

A man is commiserating with Stevie Wonder:

"It's such a shame that you're blind.  How on earth do you cope?"

Stevie gives a smile and a shrug, and replies:

"Oh, it ain't so bad.  I could be black."

 :hide

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: stephendutton on July 24, 2010, 04:18:04 pm
An elderly couple are sat in church. The woman leans over to her husband and whispers into his ear.
"I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"
To which the husband replies:
"Change the battery in your hearing aid."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Avenger29 on July 24, 2010, 04:29:20 pm
Stop me if you've heard this one before. And it's kinda dirty...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on July 24, 2010, 04:41:32 pm
 :vomit
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 28, 2010, 12:39:13 am
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/e4fed48e-fe9e-4aed-95ee-22a5bef5e22e.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 30, 2010, 03:31:13 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoArwxB2GdU&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on July 31, 2010, 12:08:54 am
I've had days like that.  Hopefully I didn't look as stupid as those rag headed fools though.  :devillol
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on August 01, 2010, 11:13:22 pm
(http://faceswaps.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/194904barack-make-it-rain.gif)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on August 03, 2010, 09:43:36 pm
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham
Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
 
'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man.

Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 04, 2010, 03:04:08 am
(http://i1019.photobucket.com/albums/af314/mosinnagantm9130/Motivators%20and%20Stuff/ice-cream-man-wins-o.gif)

Here is the original footage of this [near] natural selection.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MybLkDp3IEY&feature=player_embedded

I already have a feeling that someone somewhere already thinks this is somehow racist.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: MadMatt on August 04, 2010, 06:21:54 pm
Two guys are out playing a round of golf.  They see 2 people fishing.  One golfer looks at the other golfer and says "Look at those idiots fishing in the rain."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 05, 2010, 04:30:33 am
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/10acc85c-91a5-4c15-b91b-116bd7137ba3.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 06, 2010, 05:00:51 am
now THAT'S funny.  ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 06, 2010, 10:42:50 pm
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on August 06, 2010, 10:47:11 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

Dude! I can't breathe!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on August 08, 2010, 07:23:55 pm
(http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg46/TLFireman/af47020a.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 08, 2010, 07:35:30 pm
(http://www.yodawgyo.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/xzibit-yo-dawg-i-herd-you-like-macs.jpg)

I actually LOLed on this one. 

:rotfl  :rotfl  :rotfl  :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Crash_AF on August 10, 2010, 06:55:11 pm
God was missing for six days. Eventually Michael, the  archangel, found him resting on the seventh day...

He inquired, "Where have you been?" 

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" 

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance." 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." 

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." 

God continued pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." 

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" 

"That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things." 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..." 

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 11, 2010, 02:46:30 am
(http://marylandshooter.com/ar15/Funny/mexico_internet.gif)




(http://marylandshooter.com/ar15/Funny/humor_setup.gif)

(http://marylandshooter.com/ar15/Funny/golf-course-rules.jpg)

(http://marylandshooter.com/ar15/Funny/great_sign.jpgp)

(http://marylandshooter.com/ar15/Funny/holybug_218.jpg)

(http://marylandshooter.com/ar15/Funny/Homeschooling.jpg)

(http://marylandshooter.com/ar15/Funny/potential.jpg)

(http://marylandshooter.com/ar15/Funny/economy.jpg)

(http://marylandshooter.com/ar15/Funny/demofascists.jpg)

(http://marylandshooter.com/ar15/Funny/1tv4ic-1.jpg)



Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 11, 2010, 01:54:34 pm
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie
Reply With Quote
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on August 12, 2010, 12:22:52 am
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/demotivational-posters-just-say-yes.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: mjolnir1964 on August 13, 2010, 12:10:11 pm
 
QUEEN'S RIDDLE



Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.  He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.  It's not your brother and it's not your sister.   Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me?  Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"  Then, he went back to speak with Obama.  "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.  It's Colin Powell!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot!  It's Tony Blair!"




AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.    :clap


-R.
 




Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 18, 2010, 12:50:29 am
(http://nannystateliberationfront.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/brain.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: dot4x4 on August 19, 2010, 11:26:50 am
Did you hear that Kellogs came out with a new cereal?


Its called "Prostituties"...


They dont snap crackle and pop... 

They just lay there and bang.   :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 19, 2010, 11:43:13 am
This next video is extremely stupid and includes a view of someone's butt.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 20, 2010, 05:07:13 am
(http://flotsam.s3.amazonaws.com/bigspiders.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on August 20, 2010, 11:36:27 am
So true . . .
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Feud on August 21, 2010, 02:08:37 am
The incident with Uncle Ted reminded me of this one:


A trucker is hauling a load of computers across the country when he decides to stop at a roadside greasy spoon for some lunch.  As he's sitting at the counter the door opens and two of the nerdiest men he's ever seen enter the restaurant.  Suddenly the waitress behind the counter pulls out a double barrel shotgun, and before the trucker can realize what's going on both nerds lay strewn out across the floor.

The shocked trucker looks at a near by State Trooper who's calmly sipping some coffee and asks why he isn't arresting the woman.  The Trooper replies, "we used to be the high tech corridor for the region, but when the economy tanked all the engineers and scientists got laid off.  Without any income they've been slowly starving to death, which is why those two wandered in here, and so to cull their numbers to a manageable level the county declared an open hunting season on nerds."

The trucker finds this strange, but with time wasting he pays his bill and hits the highway.  A few miles down the road his tire blows out and the trailer quickly jack-knifes.  As it skids to a stop the trailer door flies open, dumping processors and motherboards across the pavement.  The driver had barely gotten out of his cab to put up the warning triangles when he saw them, hundreds of nerds suddenly flooded towards the truck and the spilled goods.  Realizing he's about to get picked clean the driver gets his road gun from the cab, and remembering what the Trooper says begins blasting away at the crowd. 

With a wail of a siren the Trooper showed up, and before the trucker knew what was happening he found himself in handcuffs.  "What are you doing/ You told me that it was ok to shoot them?" he screamed.  "Well, yeah, you can hunt them," the Trooper replied, "but you can't bait them!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 22, 2010, 11:05:00 pm
Our friends in the South have issued:

Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin'

From the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and

Northeastern Urbanites:



1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass. If it is around 3:00 a.m. the customers will help kick it, too.



2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn,Darla Beth,Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.



3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.



4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.



5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g.Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.



6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.



7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.



8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.



9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.



10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.



11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.



12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.



13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. That's why your women flock around our men when we visit up North. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.



14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.



15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on August 22, 2010, 11:24:04 pm
Nice!  I LOVE living in the South :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on August 22, 2010, 11:54:19 pm
I knew I was born in the wrong state! Heck with Maine! soon as I can afford it, I'm moving to Dixie!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on August 23, 2010, 12:10:26 am
Maine?  OUCH!  I feel for ya.  Even if Maine were the best state in the North, you are completely cut off and surrounded by what are known down here as "dern yankees"   ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on August 23, 2010, 12:21:22 am
Acutally, I'm from Pennsylvania (yay! no gun laws!) right outside of Philadelphia (boo! starry-eyed rich Progressive Libs!). Maine's been the place I've wanted to live since I was a little kid (Acadia National Park is, IMO, one of the most beautiful places in the country). But that was before I came politically aware. Now... the South looks more & more attractive by the day.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on August 23, 2010, 12:57:34 am
Born in Pittsburgh.  Raised in SC.  As I like to say, "Yankee by birth, Southern by choice."   :D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 23, 2010, 02:06:41 am
I start college tomorrow.  If all goes as planned, I'll transfer to Free America in two years time.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on August 23, 2010, 03:04:14 pm
Congratulations, FMJ :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on August 24, 2010, 11:33:36 am
That's seven posts that aren't funny. If the next post doesn't amuse me, I'll lock it.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on August 24, 2010, 12:50:11 pm
Okay, how 'bout this, then:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M8xJgQvbvc# (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M8xJgQvbvc#)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on August 24, 2010, 09:13:48 pm
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y257/2transams/masterrainbow.jpg)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on August 24, 2010, 09:14:00 pm
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y257/2transams/beardickpunch.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Slayer-72 on August 25, 2010, 08:29:14 pm
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1008/a-slight-problem-get-to-work-demotivational-poster-1282756040.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 26, 2010, 12:02:53 am
Now THAT'S funny.  Back to work you slacker!   :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on August 26, 2010, 07:52:17 am
That is excellent.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: cpaspr on August 27, 2010, 10:03:59 pm
Epic nunchuk fail.   :facepalm

At least I only whacked my elbow (twice in as many days) practicing that catch (major knot on the elbow).  And bounced one off the back of a springy chair in college using an overhead swing.  (Give you one guess where that one hit me.)

I no longer play with nunchaku.  They're not also known as "numb chucks" for nothing.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Nightcrawler on August 27, 2010, 10:12:24 pm
Two muffins are baking in an oven.  One muffin looked over at the other and says, "Man, it's hot in here."  The other muffin looks back and says, "Holy crap!  A talking muffin!"


Two dogs are walking down the sidewalk.  One dog says to the other, "Man, it's hot today."  The other dog says, "Did you hear the one about the muffins?"

Hey-o!

Hello?

*cricket...cricket...*

 :rotfl

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on August 28, 2010, 01:05:41 am
You are a certifiable mess, Nightcrawler ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 28, 2010, 01:19:10 am
That's how he ended up here - right?  Ba dump bump.  ( rimshot )  ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 28, 2010, 12:13:10 pm
That's how he ended up here - right?  Ba dump bump.  ( rimshot )  ;D

http://instantrimshot.com/ (http://instantrimshot.com/)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on August 29, 2010, 12:18:58 pm
Kinda fowl but pretty funny


Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on August 29, 2010, 12:43:48 pm
Forwarded to me via email:

Dr. Seuss 2010:

I do not like this Uncle Sam,
I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks,
or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker Nan,
I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'.

I do not like this spending spree,
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free,

I do not like your smug replies,
when I complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it. nope, nope, nope!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on August 30, 2010, 04:17:50 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZexMPi4VxA&feature=youtube_gdata# (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZexMPi4VxA&feature=youtube_gdata#)
Title: Lindsey Vonn Olympian Presidential Investigation.
Post by: Matthew Mayner on August 30, 2010, 05:59:57 pm
Did you hear Lindsey Vonn 2010 Gold medal downhill skier is being investigated by the president?

I can't seem to find a link to the news article  but President Obama believes that Vonn should be stripped of her Gold medal because and I quote.

"We've gone downhill much faster than she did."
Title: Re: Lindsey Vonn Olympian Presidential Investigation.
Post by: claymore1500 on August 30, 2010, 07:18:33 pm
Good one, And you know he may have had a case, except for the fact that is what SHE was supposed to do that :clap :clap :clap :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: Lindsey Vonn Olympian Presidential Investigation.
Post by: Bud on August 30, 2010, 07:30:44 pm
Good one, And you know he may have had a case, except for the fact that is what SHE was supposed to do that :clap :clap :clap :rotfl :rotfl

I am stealing your avatar and then plagerizing it,Claymore.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 31, 2010, 01:24:10 am
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_K-fROvubBBI/TFKxfXO_wfI/AAAAAAAABog/NqEedoqf68g/s1600/excuse.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on August 31, 2010, 01:57:54 am
WTF?!


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 31, 2010, 01:59:28 am
IDK why, but that one cracks me up every time.  Perhaps it's because it's so over-the-top.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 31, 2010, 02:07:02 am
(http://www.redbeet.com/pictures-storage/funny/221671d1197170163_funny_pictures_bunnies.jpg)

(http://www.shipmentoffail.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/senior-picture-fail.jpg)

(http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll294/warhawk014/boom_head_shot_soccer.gif)

(http://img689.imageshack.us/img689/5909/mexifornia.jpg)





This one is too funny.
(http://img683.imageshack.us/img683/1193/motivator02bf47e1a1153e.jpg)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on August 31, 2010, 06:37:49 pm
Contains grown-up words.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on September 01, 2010, 12:11:37 am
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/cada2806-027d-4e2c-8b97-76d9c5212c52.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 01, 2010, 04:56:26 pm
Toilet Humor (not lewd)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on September 02, 2010, 03:50:48 pm
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/infinite_motivational_posterp1.gif)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: bmitchell on September 02, 2010, 04:32:35 pm
I can't believe I watched that to the end...

Ben
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 04, 2010, 06:13:15 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/JR2Ns.jpg)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-responsibility.jpg)

(http://media.techeblog.com/images/smart_car_mods.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 10, 2010, 12:48:20 am
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/022e3427-c1da-4db5-8a04-ed6a77364950.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on September 10, 2010, 04:02:10 am
Or not  .  .  . :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on September 10, 2010, 11:28:34 pm
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/a4e0c891-dacf-413b-a513-b67338374b5f.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on September 11, 2010, 03:06:07 am
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage  sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth  keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are  sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love.  Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much
about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation...

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie  Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the  envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be  held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

-------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door  at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan
Last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on September 11, 2010, 04:15:53 am
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/a4e0c891-dacf-413b-a513-b67338374b5f.jpg)


(http://deadlyclose.com/img/spork_From_My_Cold_Dead_Hands.jpg)
A Thernlund original


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on September 11, 2010, 04:38:58 am
 :rotfl

very impressive, T. :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sohmdaddy on September 15, 2010, 01:29:03 am
His battle cry is "Spooooon!"



Well, I guess "Spoooork!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 17, 2010, 01:33:06 am
(http://images.starcraftmazter.net/4chan/internet_toughguy.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on September 17, 2010, 03:07:59 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 17, 2010, 04:21:28 pm
Teh Internets:


It's Serious Business

(http://itsfuriousbalancing.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/the-interwebs.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 19, 2010, 12:33:30 pm
Information about Gonorrhea Lectim



The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim.
It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving
putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in
2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2
years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just
coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and
the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again;
otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we
know it.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really
care about.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on September 19, 2010, 01:57:47 pm
 :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: archerandshooter on September 19, 2010, 05:02:15 pm
FMJ - I love it - is there an attribution?  I'd love to forward that around.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on September 19, 2010, 11:00:44 pm
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y257/2transams/apb1.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on September 19, 2010, 11:05:58 pm
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope stood up, and with all cameras on him he backhanded her cross-eyed!

AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on September 19, 2010, 11:52:17 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 20, 2010, 12:28:04 pm
FMJ - I love it - is there an attribution?  I'd love to forward that around.

Archer, I randomly found this on another forum (with no attribution).  But it was good enough that it had to be posted here.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on September 20, 2010, 01:14:15 pm
Does this help, Archer? 
Quote
http://www.barrypopik.com/index.php/new_york_city/entry/gonorrhealectim_gonna_re_elect_em/
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: archerandshooter on September 21, 2010, 04:40:08 pm
My faith in internet stories has been restored.

Finally, some honesty in big buck hunting stories...


Here's a picture of the new world record whitetail. It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker's sister's, uncle's, best friend's, son-in-law's, niece's hairdresser's, neighbor's ex-boyfriend's oldest nephew. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot in  West Texas on a really windy day, 85 degrees downhill, around a curve at 900 yards with a 22 mag.

Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers and six Jehovah's Witnesses in the last two weeks alone. They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. It had also been confirmed that the buck had been seen drinking discharge water from a nuclear power plant.

This has been checked on Snopes who confirmed it. Honest!!!

Sincerely,

B. Obama

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Grant on September 21, 2010, 05:58:02 pm
   Finally re-found this in the jokes folder of the comp:
 Oldy but a goody.


The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New York and is wisked away in a private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can. Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive late and insists that the driver make even better time. The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him drive.

The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in time. Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international audience on the most urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to headquarters.

"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands.

"This is the chief, what's the problem?"

"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure what to do"

"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.

"Bigger than that" says the officer.

"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief.

"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.

"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"

"Bigger" say the officer.

"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.

"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but he's got the Pope for a driver!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 21, 2010, 07:19:13 pm
I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at Cardinal's Stadium next weekend in Glendale AZ.


Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Should be a good time.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on September 22, 2010, 02:07:49 am
 :clap :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Grant on September 22, 2010, 08:05:36 am
 :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on September 22, 2010, 09:57:00 am
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/5b7a24b9-9628-4949-9758-c6c354d04784.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on September 22, 2010, 09:56:42 pm
Gravity.  Its not just a good idea, its the law.   ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: bmitchell on September 23, 2010, 08:13:01 am
Gravity is a suggestion generally obeyed due to the fact that the generating object is bigger than you and can beat you up.

Ben
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on September 23, 2010, 12:45:10 pm
So the real double whammy is gravity combined with Murphy's Law?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 23, 2010, 09:20:29 pm

 
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
 
   

  And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
 
 
And the Number One reason
            Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


 
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

***********************************************************************************************

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on September 23, 2010, 10:52:49 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 23, 2010, 11:22:01 pm
Those jokes never get old.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 28, 2010, 02:39:45 pm
(http://i43.tinypic.com/f35h7p.gif)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on September 28, 2010, 03:22:19 pm
MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!!!!!

Dude, that was not funny!  :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 28, 2010, 04:14:47 pm
In which "Art of the Dynamic _____" does he flash and most importantly---WHY???
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sohmdaddy on September 28, 2010, 04:32:00 pm
I think its a strategy to confuse your enemy and gain precious seconds in which you can draw your sidearm.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on September 28, 2010, 04:41:25 pm
IIRC, it's on the Art of Dynamic Handgun blooper reel...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap1gz_UcpcI# (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap1gz_UcpcI#)

Yep, @ about 2:25-ish.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on September 28, 2010, 11:45:25 pm
That's just wrong . . .
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on September 30, 2010, 10:42:10 pm

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.

 Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'  The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on October 02, 2010, 09:04:14 pm
Quote
Art of Dynamic Handgun blooper reel...
That was great. I'll get it! :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 03, 2010, 10:54:01 pm
(http://www.imgjoe.com/x/449411280578.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on October 05, 2010, 10:10:14 pm
(http://www.imgjoe.com/x/449411280578.jpg)
Now thats funny!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Smith1776 on October 05, 2010, 11:49:34 pm
 ;D
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the Wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, " Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your Wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ? "
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."



(http://robertmccusker.blogs.com/.a/6a00d8341cf3a353ef0120a5729395970c-pi)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 09, 2010, 01:07:45 am
(http://sleekupload.com/uploads/n38916014_32191408_5231.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Smith1776 on October 09, 2010, 01:51:24 am
 ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on October 12, 2010, 11:15:50 pm
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says,  "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Damn" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Damn"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies
up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

 "By Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked," he says.

 He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
 hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
 He takes a look up the stairs and says "No damn way".  He crawls up
 the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed".
 He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

 He says, " Damn it " and falls into bed.

 The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
 of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.  Did you have a bit to drink last
 night ?"

 Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?"

 "Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 15, 2010, 01:57:39 am
(http://www.calguns.net/calgunforum/attachment.php?attachmentid=71977&stc=1&d=1287107869)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on October 17, 2010, 02:17:20 am
I don't get it, FMJ ??? ;)

 :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on October 20, 2010, 03:59:43 pm
Senior health care solution - tongue in cheek, of course!

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 Congressmen and 2 illegal immigrants!  

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating,  air conditioning and all the health care you need!  New teeth - no problem.  Need glasses, great.  New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?  All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this?  The same government that just told you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?  

**************************************************************************************************


An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I
quote:
              
"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the
Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112
deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
        
The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same
period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and
killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws
in the U.S., than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington

*******************************************************************************************************

Some of you will enjoy this more than others.... Southerners can be so polite!
 
Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."


Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."


Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. -Allah is Great."
 
Pause....


Saudi Air: " ATLANTA TOWER -   ATLANTA TOWER !"


Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."


Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE .. . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"




Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus.


 Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hello"  for us."


**********************************************************************************************************


SEASON'S GREETINGS
T'was the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions up and down

 

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
tired of political crap

 

When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out my window
Saw Obama and his boys

 
 

They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others  
Who had not worked a day!

 

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

 

He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!

 

'On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi'
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause
And as they flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!
So I leave you to think
On this one final note--
IF YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE !!!!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on October 20, 2010, 09:34:33 pm
Nice.   :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on October 24, 2010, 08:38:13 am
(http://epicwinftw.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/17419c61-0e62-42f0-a6d4-6faa3a630ded.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on October 27, 2010, 07:31:55 am
Facebook Through History:

(mild language)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Outsourced
Post by: Bud on October 27, 2010, 10:53:51 am
(http://lh6.ggpht.com/_06koBwqKr2w/TMg8n32iP0I/AAAAAAAATEU/BTKdJ-vAHgo/s800/Outsource.jpg)
Title: Re: Outsourced
Post by: CameronS on October 27, 2010, 12:44:03 pm
Now THAT would make for a nice change.

(Still, when I saw the title, I thought you were talking about that appallingly stupid TV show. :hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on October 27, 2010, 07:45:32 pm
Loved the Facebook ones. You ever seen some of the Star Wars Facebook spoofs? ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on October 28, 2010, 07:31:00 pm
Got this from a blog : MausersandMuffins (I like the title)

Rules for Riding The Stagecoach;
This listing of rules for Stage Coach Passengers was found in a very old Durango, Colorado Newspaper.

1. If the stage team runs away or you are pursued by Indians, stay in the coach and take your chances. Don't jump out, for you will be either injured or scalped.

2. In cold weather, abstain from liquor, for you are subject to freezing quicker if under the influence than if you were cold sober. But if you are drinking from a bottle, pass it around. It is the only polite thing to do.

3. Don't smoke a strong cigar or pipe on the stage especially when women and children are present. If chewing tobacco, spit to the leeward side.

4. Don't swear, snore or lop over on neighbors when sleeping. Let others share the buffalo robes provided in cold weather.
 
5. Don't shoot firearms for pleasure while enroute, as it scares the horses.

6. Don't grease hair with bear grease as travel is very dusty.


7. Don't discuss politics or religion.


8. Don't point out sites where robberies have taken place.


9. And don't imagine you are going on a picnic, for stage travel is inconvenient.


You all travel safe now!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 28, 2010, 09:32:40 pm
As seen in San Diego

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs772.snc4/67289_10150295960930212_733635211_15559450_8099555_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on October 30, 2010, 03:25:05 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLYrBxmAaso# (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLYrBxmAaso#)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on October 31, 2010, 07:06:54 pm
I took this on the Blue Ridge Parkway today. It looks like they're encouraging Evel Knievel stunts up there.  :D

(http://i753.photobucket.com/albums/xx171/mjolnir6_photos/SDC10255.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on November 01, 2010, 04:19:30 pm
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs446.ash2/71990_170586632967224_100000476640411_540753_193482_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on November 06, 2010, 04:40:54 am
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs049.snc3/13656_101615039864384_100000476640411_43354_396178_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: americigerm on November 06, 2010, 03:42:11 pm
(http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000577585/polls_lol_wut_russian_pear_0127_927304_answer_2_xlarge.jpeg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on November 06, 2010, 04:27:52 pm
(http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000577585/polls_lol_wut_russian_pear_0127_927304_answer_2_xlarge.jpeg)



That's M.T. Kalashnikov.

His guns are usually held together by rivets and not screws.  I'll show you when we go to that gun store.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on November 06, 2010, 04:33:42 pm
(http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000577585/polls_lol_wut_russian_pear_0127_927304_answer_2_xlarge.jpeg)


Who and/or what is that thing? And what's the caption say?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sohmdaddy on November 06, 2010, 06:36:12 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLYrBxmAaso# (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLYrBxmAaso#)

I don't understand why Bob and Tom are so popular. Not my cup of tea I guess.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on November 06, 2010, 08:21:58 pm
+1, Sohmdaddy
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on November 06, 2010, 09:38:09 pm
Who and/or what is that thing? And what's the caption say?

Don't know what the thing is, but the caption says "lol wut."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Cookie on November 06, 2010, 10:01:01 pm
I think it's a commie version of Slimer from Ghostbusters...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on November 06, 2010, 11:45:26 pm
http://vladimirputinactioncomics.com/ (http://vladimirputinactioncomics.com/)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on November 07, 2010, 01:47:57 am
Raptor, it's the Soviet version of "lol wut."

It does technically say "lol shut" but that doesn't mean anything.  :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on November 29, 2010, 09:09:21 pm
Be forewarned, these are lame.

A skeleton walked into a bar. "What'll it be?", asked the bartender. "I'll have a beer and a mop," said the skeleton.

Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Hey, where's my tractor?"

What do you call a chicken without a head?
A headless chicken.

What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.

Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on November 29, 2010, 09:41:38 pm
At the next WTA comedians anonymous meeting I will suggest we vote on whether or not you should be shot.  Then we'll all go down to Unkle Musket's pub and have a pint.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on November 29, 2010, 09:43:54 pm
I'll be voting 'aye'.

Those are just so bad.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on November 29, 2010, 09:48:00 pm
Yup.  I'm surprised he didn't throw in the one about "Where are most of the feathers found on a turkey?" . . .
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on November 29, 2010, 09:52:05 pm
'Nay', only because most of my jokes are a lot worse.  :hide Though I did laugh at the 2 fish one...  :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on November 29, 2010, 09:55:17 pm
I was looking for jokes my younger brother would get.  I figure as bad as they are, they're slightly entertaining, and if it brightens someone's day, it is worth it.

At the next WTA comedians anonymous meeting I will suggest we vote on whether or not you should be shot.  Then we'll all go down to Unkle Musket's pub and have a pint.

Can I get my pint before I get shot?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on November 29, 2010, 10:00:58 pm
Can I get my pint before I get shot?

Isn't it more conventional to have the chaser after the shot?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on November 29, 2010, 11:11:41 pm
Isn't it more conventional to have the chaser after the shot?

http://instantrimshot.com/ (http://instantrimshot.com/)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on December 01, 2010, 03:48:59 am
Isn't it more conventional to have the chaser after the shot?

Then I guess I'll have my beer and a mop...   ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on December 05, 2010, 01:11:38 am
TSA bumper stickers
(http://i332.photobucket.com/albums/m347/fnfnc64/new-tsa-bumper-stickers.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on December 06, 2010, 10:40:23 pm
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs733.ash1/162724_180136075345613_100000476640411_604800_3267868_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on December 07, 2010, 03:35:34 pm
^ ^ ^ That there is funny, I don't care whre your from.   :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Unisaw on December 08, 2010, 12:32:25 pm
It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame, has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.  :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on December 08, 2010, 03:59:38 pm
:facepalm


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on December 08, 2010, 04:21:33 pm
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/demotivational-posters-officer-badass.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on December 20, 2010, 03:45:04 pm
I didn't write this, but it's too darned funny not to share.


The Death of Santa Claus
Well there' strange things done
'neath the Vietnamese sun,
but the time that locked my jaws
was the night 'neath the moon,
when the third platoon
gunned down Santa Claus.

Well it started off right
just an ordinary night
we had to spend in the dirt.
Security was out, 360 about
with fifty percent alert.
We had eighty ones and naval guns,
the tanks were track to track,
an Onotos or so and an arty FO
with barrages back to back
I froze where I stood
cause out of the wood
eight horses came running along.
Now this may sound corny,
but them mustangs were horny.
"My God" I thought, "mounted Viet Cong!"
He was coming our way
in what looked like a sleigh,
but you never know what they will use.
The flares were tripped, The SID's had flipped,
and the TIPSY blew a fuse.
We let him close, then yelled "Who goes!"
like they do in the movie show,
and the answer we got, believe it or not,
was a hearty "Ho, Ho, Ho".
Now those troops of mine, they'd seen some time,
and we'd done some things back-asswards.
They may be thick, but I'll tell you a trick,
they knew that wasn't the password.
The eighty-ones soared and the nineties roared,
the naval guns raised some hell.
A bright flare flew through the air,
we fired our FPL.
I'll give him gut's, but the guy was nuts
or I'm a no good liar.
He dropped like a stone in our killing zone
and I passed the word "Cease fire!"
I went out and took a real good look,
my memory started to race.
My mind plays games when it comes to names
but I never forget a face.
He was dressed all in red and looked well fed,
he was older than most I'd seen.
He looked right weird with that long white beard,
and them stumps where his legs had been.
He hadn't quite died when I reached his side,
but the end was clearly in sight.
I knelt down low and he said real slow
"Merry Christmas, and to all a good night."
So I picked up the hook with a voice that shook
and said "Get me the six and quick."
"Colonel" I said "hang on to your head,
we just greased old St. Nick."
Now the Old Man's cool, he's nobodies fool
right off he knew the word.
If this got out, there'd be no doubt
he won't be getting his bird.
"Just get him up here, we'll play it by ear,
make sure of that medevac tag. Dismantle that sleigh,'
drive them reindeer away
and bury that God-damned bag."
Now by and by the kids may cry
'cause there's nothing under the tree,
but word just came back from FMFPAC
that Santa had gone VC.
Well there' strange things done
'neath the Vietnamese sun,
but the time that locked my jaws
was the night 'neath the moon,
when the third platoon
gunned down Santa Claus.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 22, 2010, 09:47:40 pm
Here's one of mine from when I belonged to a Lightning club, from the holidays. For those that might not know an L1 is a first generation Ford Lightning 1993-1995, L2s came out in 1999 and sold til 2004. I have a 2000.

The Night Before Christmas..........Part III (2002)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the city, not a fast car was running. I'm alone, such a pity. The ricers were silent, their fart-pipes gone cold; most V-8s were stored at this time, I'm told. My wife was snoozin, all alone in our cot. The neighbors were boozin, passed out, or what-not. When up ahead smoke appeared, not trouble this late, but a violent burnout from a throaty V8. "It's him" I whispered to no one but myself. "It's the guy in the L1, the jolly old elf." I'd raced him before, twice, this very night. "For the third time he's here to set things aright." For last year, victorious, I'd shown him who's boss, after suffering the previous year, a devastating loss. My L, freshly Zainoed, and sporting her mods, was up to the task of most local hot rods. She looked simply gorgeous, she shined in the moon, and was running incredibly, perfectly tuned. I'd took off some weight, and emptied the bed. Then why did I feel I had something to dread? I remembered his truck, the tub-job, the stance. Then I thought of last year and said, "I've still got a chance." "Now honey, now baby, we took him last year; lets do it again, we have nothing to fear." As I pulled alongside him he looked over and smiled. Beside such maturity, I felt like a child. His beard was pure white, his dimples how merry, his red paint glistened, I could still smell the cherry. The stance was the same, the truck still looked mean, but I was sure there was more, would the old man come clean? "What's new?" I asked, with a nod to his hood. He simply replied, "Have you been good?" "I'll show you," I said as I rolled up the glass, "Have I been good, I'll hand him his ass!" At the green both trucks roared, my F1s got a bite. His slicks did the same as the roar split the night. I felt the rush of my life as my truck ran it's best, but how many lengths am I ahead, was the test. I glanced over with glee and my glee turned to horror. The old man was there, truck to truck, door to door. I gave it my all to 105, then backed off preferring to remain alive. An incredible sight had then met my eye; he'd backed off the same time, a virtual tie! As we rolled to a stop, I looked over and smiled. His eyes how they twinkled, his features were mild. "I gave it my all" I said with a grin. "So did I, son" he said, "But this time, no win." "Merry Christmas" I said, my voice filled with cheer. "Same to you, son" he replied, "I'll see you next year."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on December 23, 2010, 03:29:50 am
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ckBlasgNSzg/SxB2-MwOv5I/AAAAAAAAQGU/hvBc-jrxKcU/s1600/Twilight+Moms.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on December 26, 2010, 04:15:57 pm
 :P Hmm...good point :hmm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 02, 2011, 11:51:17 pm
Alabama


A group of  Alabama  friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"
 



Georgia


The owner of a golf course in  Georgia was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the  University
of  Georgia and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."


 
Louisiana


A senior citizen in Louisiana  was overheard saying ... "When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in  Louisiana  ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in  Louisiana  because everything
happens in Louisiana  20 years later than in the rest of the civilized
world."


 
Mississippi


The young man from  Mississippi  came running into the store and said to his
buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


 
North Carolina


A man in  North Carolina  had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
behind it.  Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned
around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back.  I never did understand it neither."


 

 Tennessee 


A Tennessee   State  trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The trooper
asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


 

Texas


The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don't you see
that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied.  "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says:

'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

 

  ***


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 03, 2011, 01:28:01 am
More Fighting


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........


___________________________________



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...


 


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 03, 2011, 02:23:57 am
That last post was hilarious.










(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/demotivational-posters-insult.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on January 03, 2011, 06:29:26 pm
Imn don't care were you're from, that there is funny.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 08, 2011, 11:05:48 am
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/political-pictures-government-for-the-people-myth-busted.jpg)

(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/political-pictures-politicians.jpg)

(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/political-pictures-the-secret-to-success-is-knowing-who-to-blame-for-your-failures.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 13, 2011, 03:12:10 am
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/demotivational-posters-pedobear.jpg)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/demotivational-posters-hope.jpg)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/demotivational-posters-hungry-hippos.jpg)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/demotivational-posters-so.jpg)
(This one's just for Nightcrawler)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/08ec713f-1494-4d8d-9e80-fc6d8ba8e977.jpg)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 19, 2011, 08:26:21 pm
A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA .  There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
 
In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. 
 
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.  The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"   He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.  I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on January 19, 2011, 08:33:07 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 19, 2011, 08:38:18 pm
I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this
morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs
he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also
struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was
strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress,
I informed both the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on January 20, 2011, 08:20:49 pm
(http://wtfhub.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/dog-fort-21.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on January 20, 2011, 09:03:20 pm
 :rotfl  :panic
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on January 20, 2011, 10:48:48 pm
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y257/2transams/1aLfuWuFYq8eyny8Hnv5z790o1_500.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 29, 2011, 10:08:33 pm
The Blue Pigeon.
 
 
The mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre
He could not remove the pigeons from the city.

All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.
 
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city.
But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. 
 
Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky. 

All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column
 The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,
the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. 
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.
The mayor asked:
 

'Do you have a blue Muslim ??

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on January 31, 2011, 03:35:04 am
ouch.  should have seen that one coming.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Unisaw on February 01, 2011, 01:06:39 pm
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.  Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has".  Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!  If he does, you're finished'.  Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.  All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.  A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.  He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.  His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.  The crowd went crazy.  The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold?  No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "So, that's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on February 01, 2011, 10:53:16 pm
 :o
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on February 01, 2011, 11:43:18 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

That will be remembered and retold!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chrissmitty820 on February 02, 2011, 01:23:26 am
Didn't go thru the whole thread, so I hope this one hasn't been told-

A Texas Ranger was riding his trusty steed in the Old West.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, he was surrounded by Indians.  They captured him and took him back to their villiage, tying him up and throwing him in a teepee.  After a while, the chief came to the Ranger and said "Council decide to give last wish.  What is?"

The Ranger thought a minute, and said "Let me talk to my horse."  The Chief grunted and led him out.  The Ranger walked up to the horse and whispered in its ear.  The noble beast wheeled and ran off towards town.  A while later, the horse returned with a beautiful courtesan astride it.  The Chief was impressesd.  "Hmm..Good wish.  Take teepee."  The Ranger and the "Lady" went inside the teepee and entertained themselves.

After some time, the Chief approached the Ranger and said"hAve decided to grant another wish."

The Ranger told the chief "Need to speak to mah horse again."  The Chief nodded, and the Ranger approached the horse.  He whispered in its ear, and just like last time, spun in place and took off for town.  A short time later, the horse returned, again with a lady rider.  This one was more beautiful than the first, and carried a bottle of RedEye.  The Chief was even more impressed, and told the Ranger to take the teepee for a spin again. 

After the fun was over, the Chief came to talk to the Ranger one more time.  "Last two wishes very good.  Make one last."  The Ranger went up to his horse, grabbed him by the ear and got real close.

"POSSE, YOU IDIOT!! POSSE!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on February 02, 2011, 01:37:29 am
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 02, 2011, 02:38:58 am
:rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 18, 2011, 06:13:31 pm
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v641/500grains/rudedrivers.gif)

(http://i630.photobucket.com/albums/uu30/shooting4life/016bb598.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 19, 2011, 12:23:56 am
It's winter here in MICHIGAN

And the gentle breezes blow,
at 40 miles per hour and 32 below!
Oh, how I love my MICHIGAN

When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think I am a fool.
But I could never leave MICHIGAN,
Cause I'm frozen to the stool.
 
****************************************************************

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family
or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't  know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They
wept, Iwept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....  it's a man thing.


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on February 19, 2011, 02:34:00 am
Rock on.   :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on February 24, 2011, 02:00:39 pm
A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George, BC . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road . When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.


The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. The man insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for them to use. 'But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," he says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid.
 :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: LouisCQ1971 on February 24, 2011, 07:26:47 pm
    My First Condom

         

        I recall my first time with a condom.   I was 14.   I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy.   In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure.   She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.   I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.   She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. 

I apparently still looked confused.   So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.   It was.   'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it.   Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.   She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.   'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head.   She then said it was time to slip the condom on.   As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.   'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.   'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.   I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the s___ out of me....


Women have always been hard for me to figure out.


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on February 25, 2011, 10:46:22 pm
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 26, 2011, 01:59:57 am
"Union Whore House"

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in
Las Vegas and, as you would expect,
decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first
one, he asked the
Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100,
what cut do
the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily
offended at
such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of
a more equitable,
hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the
Madame responded,
"Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you
$100, what cut
do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's
more like it!"
the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a
stunningly attractive
blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an
obese fifty-five
year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on February 26, 2011, 03:50:47 am
 :rotfl  Ouch!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on February 26, 2011, 04:00:22 pm
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies in front of the Super Fresh and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines door to door," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath

... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "IT IS dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush, for just $7.00? I used the President Obama method of giving you something crappy, that looks good, for free, and then making you pay through the nose to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

The teacher was speechless. .. . . . . .
 :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: super_b AK on March 01, 2011, 04:04:44 pm
My son's favorite

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks  :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on March 01, 2011, 05:53:17 pm
The testicles of a midget from Texas hurt real bad and ached almost all the time. So the midget decides to see a doctor about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started his exam. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look down, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he jumped around the room and discovered his testicles did not hurt anymore.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 01, 2011, 11:38:40 pm
OK - should have seen that one coming. . . :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on March 02, 2011, 11:17:19 pm
THE RECESSION HAS HIT EVERYBODY!


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are sleeping  with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in  Beverly Hills   fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in  Las Vegas   is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 02, 2011, 11:24:41 pm
Rim shot.  :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 03, 2011, 12:39:10 am
Quote
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

:rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on March 03, 2011, 09:56:48 am
Boss goes to work one morning, having forgotten to zip up his pants.
His secretary notices and trying to be discrete, says "did you remember to close the garage door this morning ".   
Boss does not get the reference and goes on into this office.
Sometime later, he does notice, zips up, and then walks out to where his secretary is.
Boss says,  "I did get the garage closed,  while it was open, did you happen to notice my powerful HUMMVEE in there ?
Secretary replies "No, all I saw was a old minivan with 2 flat tires.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 03, 2011, 12:04:55 pm
Boss goes to work one morning, having forgotten to zip up his pants.
His secretary notices and trying to be discrete, says "did you remember to close the garage door this morning ".   
Boss does not get the reference and goes on into this office.
Sometime later, he does notice, zips up, and then walks out to where his secretary is.
Boss says,  "I did get the garage closed,  while it was open, did you happen to notice my powerful HUMMVEE in there ?
Secretary replies "No, all I saw was a old minivan with 2 flat tires.


:rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 03, 2011, 09:54:48 pm
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking
up on that morning... I went downstairs for breakfast hoping
my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone
'Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't
say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We
had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a
beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by
my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on March 04, 2011, 02:39:31 am
Oh my.  Not what I was expecting!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: tactical22 on March 04, 2011, 11:39:30 pm
So THAT'S why they call it the "Birthday suit"...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on March 04, 2011, 11:49:26 pm
I ROFLed :rotfl.

Yes I did.

Right out loud.

 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl(stilldoin' it) :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Ulysses on March 09, 2011, 11:12:30 pm
Black Holes: Because the alien equivalent of the Mafia needed somewhere to hide the bodies.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 11, 2011, 01:47:17 am
Quote
Ex-wife had her credit card stolen. I never called it in because the thief spends less than she did.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Splodge Of Doom on March 14, 2011, 02:19:43 pm
This one may win me the bad taste joke of the year award, but never mind:

"I just lost my Japanese girlfriend."

"Don't worry, there are plenty more in the sea..."
 
:hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on March 14, 2011, 03:21:25 pm
This one may win me the bad taste joke of the year award, but never mind:

"I just lost my Japanese girlfriend."

"Don't worry, there are plenty more in the sea..."
 
:hide

Quote
Lord, I apologize for that and for all the starving pygmies . . . . . .


  ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Splodge Of Doom on March 14, 2011, 05:53:20 pm
They found out how bad Charlie Sheen's last overdose was - it was enough to kill two and a half men.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on March 22, 2011, 03:36:50 am
I had to wash my dolphins so I bought an all porpoise cleaner.

 :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 22, 2011, 07:57:08 pm
(http://i560.photobucket.com/albums/ss43/logdon/beargryllspiss.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on March 22, 2011, 08:55:44 pm
In the late 18th Century, a warship was patrolling the Spanish Main. One day, the lookout in the crow's nest calls down to the captain:

"Ahoy, Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The First Mate turns to the Captain and says, "Orders, sir?"

Captain says, "Make the ship ready for battle, but first bring my my Red Shirt!"

The First Mate is confused by this order, moreso because the Captain gives it every time they spot an enemy ship, but he complies. The Captain puts on his Red Shirt, and his ship engages the enemy ship. The battle is long and fierce, but eventually our warship prevails and sinks the enemy ship.

As the crew repairs the damage to their vessel, the First Mate asks the Captain, "Sir, forgive me, but why do you always insist on wearing that Red Shirt every time we go into battle?"

The Captain looks around to make sure none of the other crewmen are paying attention, then says, "Don't tell anyone, but I wear red so if I'm shot, the men won't notice I'm wounded and their resolve won't break and they'll continue to fight."

The First Mate is impressed. "That is very clever, Captain. I never would have thought of that.

The next day, the lookout calls down from the crow's nest: "Ahoy! I see TWENTY enemy ships on the horizon!"

Captain shouts: "Prepare the ship for battle, but first.... BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!!!!"



Think about it...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Langenator on March 22, 2011, 09:17:23 pm
In the late 18th Century, a warship was patrolling the Spanish Main. One day, the lookout in the crow's nest calls down to the captain:

"Ahoy, Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The First Mate turns to the Captain and says, "Orders, sir?"

Captain says, "Make the ship ready for battle, but first bring my my Red Shirt!"

The First Mate is confused by this order, moreso because the Captain gives it every time they spot an enemy ship, but he complies. The Captain puts on his Red Shirt, and his ship engages the enemy ship. The battle is long and fierce, but eventually our warship prevails and sinks the enemy ship.

As the crew repairs the damage to their vessel, the First Mate asks the Captain, "Sir, forgive me, but why do you always insist on wearing that Red Shirt every time we go into battle?"

The Captain looks around to make sure none of the other crewmen are paying attention, then says, "Don't tell anyone, but I wear red so if I'm shot, the men won't notice I'm wounded and their resolve won't break and they'll continue to fight."

The First Mate is impressed. "That is very clever, Captain. I never would have thought of that.

The next day, the lookout calls down from the crow's nest: "Ahoy! I see TWENTY enemy ships on the horizon!"

Captain shouts: "Prepare the ship for battle, but first.... BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!!!!"



Think about it...

Once upon a time, we did a version of this as a campfire skit at Scout camp, except the captain was counting guns on the enemy ships.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on March 22, 2011, 10:38:41 pm
A young couple couldn't keep their hands off each other. Everywhere they went they would sneak to some private place and make wild passionate love to each other. One day they were visiting the young lady's grand parents in an assisted living home. They got excited and snuck into the empty arboretum and had a quickie.
As they left an old lady looked at her friend and said,
"My my what a passionate couple. They must really love each other."

Her friend, an old spinster who was never married and swore off men said, "What are you talking about? I didn't get it."

Without skipping a beat the first old woman turned said. "At your age it's too late to start now."



Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on March 23, 2011, 07:01:53 pm
THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

Please enjoy and understand the following:

DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND
DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

ONE TEQUILA,
TWO TEQUILA,
THREE TEQUILA,
FLOOR.

ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,
WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS
BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED,
CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? (my personal favorite)

HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:
THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS
ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A
CIVIL WAR?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS,
DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO,
WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED,
WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS"
INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? (another good one)

WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

 :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 23, 2011, 10:19:35 pm
THE OLDER CROWD


 

A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'


***********************

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I LOVE IT!)

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true.  I love

to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------

Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two  guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
   To where I was going.

The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
*********************


Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!

--

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.   
The jet jockey decided to show off.   


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly   
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished   
With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier... The F-16 pilot   
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?   


The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"   
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130   
pilot came back on and said: "What did you think of that?"   
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?" 
The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked 
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee, and a 
cinnamon roll."

The moral of the story is......



When you are young and foolish -   

speed and flash may seem a good thing!

   
When you get older and smarter -

comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!



We older folks understand this one.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 23, 2011, 10:36:42 pm
Some of those are good to be "Philosoraptor" quotes.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on March 24, 2011, 11:52:44 am
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.   
The jet jockey decided to show off.   


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly   
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished   
With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier... The F-16 pilot   
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?   


The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"   
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130   
pilot came back on and said: "What did you think of that?"   
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?" 
The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked 
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee, and a 
cinnamon roll."

The moral of the story is......



When you are young and foolish -   

speed and flash may seem a good thing!

   
When you get older and smarter -

comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!



We older folks understand this one.



Don't have to be old to appreciate this one. I'm not quite four years out of college and I hate flying any other way. Jet jocks can keep their speed, I'll keep my leg room.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on March 24, 2011, 09:14:17 pm
We Irish do not drink a drop more than anyone else.


We just get more smile per gallon!!!
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on March 26, 2011, 02:35:42 pm
Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love
you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer." :beer
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 26, 2011, 10:55:22 pm
Nice.   :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 28, 2011, 07:52:37 pm
WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese  -  eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian  -  Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli  -  sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian  -  blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.---


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 29, 2011, 12:45:01 am
We have a winner.    ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on March 29, 2011, 04:28:09 pm
NICE. :clap :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on March 30, 2011, 11:27:18 pm
The AARP eye test.

It's ok to click on the picture.   ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: LouisCQ1971 on March 30, 2011, 11:49:24 pm
The AARP eye test.

It's ok to click on the picture.   ;D

 I didn't know you could do that with a plunger, (the third one from the left bottom row.) ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on March 31, 2011, 12:25:57 am
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y257/2transams/theWAREHOUSE_comic_460.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: LouisCQ1971 on March 31, 2011, 05:00:35 pm
If you are at all concerned about radiation fallout from
 
Japan's Fukushima reactor, here's a readily available,
 
innovative and inexpensive radiation tester you can use
 
anywhere in your home.
 
1. Open a bag of Orville Redenbocker microwave
    popcorn.
 
2. Leave it on a table and if it starts popping, you're
    screwed.      
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on April 02, 2011, 09:47:19 am
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on April 02, 2011, 04:22:50 pm
:facepalm

This.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on April 04, 2011, 11:22:33 pm
Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see
something like this.
Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for
the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was:

"Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd
by the clean end."

(This guy has nailed it.)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on April 06, 2011, 02:41:58 am
(http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/USA-Ammo-April-Fools-Joke.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Langenator on April 06, 2011, 07:13:25 am
(http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/USA-Ammo-April-Fools-Joke.jpg)

No .308?  That'd be my choice.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on April 06, 2011, 12:41:13 pm
Boarders = people boarding a ship
Borders = the lines between countries

I'm so tired of seeing people confuse those.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on April 06, 2011, 04:29:10 pm
Where exactly does the Wisconsin thing fit into that montage?   :scrutiny

Idiots.  :facepalm


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on April 06, 2011, 04:38:29 pm
Where exactly does the Wisconsin thing fit into that montage?   :scrutiny

Idiots.  :facepalm


-T.

perhaps because of the letter the unions sent out to non-supporters.   Nice business you got here, be a shame if something happened and the police or fire departments did not show up because you did not support public unions.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on April 12, 2011, 03:47:59 pm
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/demotivational-posters-pedobear-where.jpg)

Awesome.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on April 12, 2011, 04:10:24 pm
(http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l4v6231eK11qzmowao1_400.jpg)

(http://verybadfrog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Meanwhile-in-Ireland.jpg)

(http://asset.soup.io/asset/0811/3854_aea2.jpeg)

(http://randomfunnypicture.com/wp2/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/meanwhile-in-finland.jpg)

(http://www.eoinbutler.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Meanwhile-in-Russia.jpg)
(Meanwhile in Russia...)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/demotivational-posters-meanwhile2.jpg)





(http://i1212.photobucket.com/albums/cc448/betotron18/ca7e4f9a.jpg)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on April 13, 2011, 02:12:07 pm
 :rotfl  The Canadian one cracked me up, eh. 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on April 13, 2011, 08:34:24 pm
Good ones. I've seen the Irish pic, but it said "Irish yoga". ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Langenator on April 14, 2011, 10:41:33 am
Yup.  I've seen the Irish one as well, except it was Russian yoga.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: dasol on April 15, 2011, 06:13:56 am
From an email I got today.. it gave me a chuckle.

Quote
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on April 15, 2011, 02:14:53 pm
:rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

That's going right on to Facebook.


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on April 16, 2011, 04:40:32 am
OOORAAHHH!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: LouisCQ1971 on April 16, 2011, 09:07:59 am





 
 

 
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into  the lion's cage. 
 
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. 

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. 
 
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life." 

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right." 

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' 

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican." 

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

 

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

 
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days
++++++++++++++++++++++++




Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: HMPlatinum on April 16, 2011, 04:34:07 pm
Somewhere, deep down inside, my inner Devil-Dog wants to strangle a reporter.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on April 18, 2011, 12:32:29 am
Three buddies were having a beer at a local pub and were arguing over what was the toughest people to kill.

"Taliban!" Said one guy. "They hide like rabbits and pop up again even after you have napalmed their hideouts!"

"No no no! Hezbolah!" Said another. "They are well organized and hide among the civilians so well, even the civilians don't know who they are!"

"Nah! It's Hamas!" The last one said. "They own the Lebanon Parliment, have deep ties to Iran, are well trained, and are fearless when faced with death!"

Overhearing the conversation, the old bartender spoke up. "You are all wrong! Every one of ya!" He chided them.

The three guys turned and asked the old fart what he thought was the toughest people to kill.

Without a flinch the old bartender gave them both barrels of his opinion.
"It's the reporters!"

"Reporters?" The three guys replied laughing.

"Yup! They are spineless to speak up and stand for what is right! Gutless when it comes to telling the real truth! Blind as to the corruption in front of them! Whore themselves to the highest bidder! And their head and backsides are interchangeable when ever they aren't engaged in anal-cranial obfuscation!" he finished.

"So why are they harder to kill?" asked the curious men.

"Well, by law you can't kill someone who is deaf, dumb, blind, gutless, spineless, a whore, or is an outright liar with their head up their ass!"


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on April 22, 2011, 10:25:04 pm
 VERY  BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.  

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t___ in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.  

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.  

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
 
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably never be able to support you.  

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.  

If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the front door, who do you let  in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
 
*********************************************************************************************

We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.  
  
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!  
1.   Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

************************************************************************************************


RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on April 23, 2011, 12:08:15 am
Women do not Belch, Burp or Fart.










































Therefore, they must b*tch, or blow up.











Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on April 23, 2011, 05:16:15 am
 :rotfl  You guys are killin' me.  ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: CameronS on April 23, 2011, 10:21:50 am
All of those are so so so true . . . :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on April 24, 2011, 03:21:15 pm
How do you please a woman with only 3.5"?







































(http://www.getflow.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Most-Rewarding-Travel-Credit-Cards-American-Express-Gold-Card.jpeg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on May 06, 2011, 12:09:02 am
Man walks in to a bar,  tells the bartender he'll have a Bin Ladan.

Bartender thinks and then says,  I don't know that one, what is it.

Man reply's  "2 shots and a splash".

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on May 06, 2011, 12:47:40 am
Man walks in to a bar,  tells the bartender he'll have a Bin Ladan.

Bartender thinks and then says,  I don't know that one, what is it.

Man reply's  "2 shots and a splash".



rimshot .  .  .  . :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on May 07, 2011, 10:30:34 pm
A Management Lesson

Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.

One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Michael said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,

'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,



'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.









I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 64.)

A little concerned about his comment, I couldn't resist asking, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke, drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all that red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me smiled and said... 'Then, why do you even give a damn?
__________________

A priest took a vacation to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and began fighting it. A few minutes later the guide, holding a landing net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a B****!" "Please, my son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for." No, Father, you don't understand" explained the guide, "That's the species of fish you have hooked; it's called a 'Son of a B****' fish!"

"Really?" asked the surprised priest, "Well then, would you please net the Son of a B****?"

Once the fish was aboard, the guide marveled at its size.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a B**** I've ever seen!"

"It really IS a big Son of a B****" the priest beamed, "What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. I promise, you've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a B****."

Elated, the priest headed home. While unloading his fishing tackle and prize catch at the church's back door, Sister Mary appeared and Inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this huge Son of a B**** I caught!" the priest gushed, opening his ice chest.

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father, such language from a priest!" "It's Okay, Sister. According to my guide, that's the species of fish this one is, it's called a 'Son of a B**** fish'." "Oh, well then...what are you going to do with that huge Son of a B****?"

"Eat it! My guide said they're great!"

Sister Mary then informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days. "Why don't I clean that Son of a B**** for you, and we'll cook it for this special occasion," she volunteered.

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything went perfectly. The wine was fine, the fish excellent.

The Pope leaned back from his plate and said, "This is absolutely marvelous fish -- where did you buy it?"

"We didn't buy it, Your Holiness; I caught that Son of a B**** myself!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned and cooked the Son of a B****!," exclaimed the Sister.

The Pope looked silently at each of them. Glancing around the dining room, he saw they were alone. A big grin spread across his face as he leaned across the table and whispered, "Go get us some more wine. You ****ers are my kind of people".
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 08, 2011, 06:35:22 pm
~One morning 3 North Carolina good ole boys and 3 Yankees were in a
ticket line at the Columbia train station heading to Charlotte for a
big football game.
The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the
3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one
of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn." drawled one of the boys from the South.
When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the
3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the
door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The Conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea
indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return
trip and save some money.
That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train
station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their
astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the
perplexed Yankees.
"Watch and learn!" answered one of the Southern boys.
 
When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a
bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other
bathroom across from it.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their
bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on
the door and said "ticket please".
 
There's just no way ... on God's green earth ... to explain how the
Yankees won that damn war!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on May 08, 2011, 09:57:38 pm
Never think you can outsmart a woman:


One day a man and a woman were discussing restroom amenities and the Lady said,"In a woman's bathroom we have wonderful facilities. There are automated stalls. You press one for the biday that washes you with warm water afterwards, and two for a gentle blow dry, and three to have a soft powder of you bottom.
Needless to say the gentleman was impressed. So the next time he needed to go he snuck into the woman's bathroom and tried out the toilet. It was everything and more with polished marble floors, antique oak stalls, premium porcelain toilets. He observed several buttons and as he finished his business he pressed #1, a gentle flow of warm water washed him. He pressed #2 and a gentle blower dried him. He pressed #3 and a talc powder puff patted his bottom. He saw a #4 and looking around he pressed it. The most unimaginable pain hit him hard and he passed out. When he awoke with the paramedics around him he asked what happened. The female paramedic looked at him, tossed his dick onto his chest and said, "You hit the button for the automatic tampon remover, moron."

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: cpaspr on May 10, 2011, 11:20:04 am
From an acquaintance:       
 
You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition stored in his  home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
 
My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter:  "Wow! He has .... about a million machine gun bullets."  The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache."
 
BTW, I am dubious about the pile of ammunition boxes and cans that they showed.  It looked big enough to contain no more than about 100,000 rounds, unless there was a lot of .22 rimfire ammo.
 
However, by southern California standards, even someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
 
In  Arizona , . .. . he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
 
In Texas , . .. . he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
 
In Utah , . .. .he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
 
In Wyoming , . .. .he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
 
In Idaho , . . . he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
 
And, in Montana , . . . he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on May 10, 2011, 05:56:48 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 14, 2011, 12:14:11 pm
Super duper salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota.  Well, the
boss liked the kid and gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come
down after we close and See how you did.  His first day on the job was
rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers
bought something from you today?  
The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says,  "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?  The kid
says, "First I sold him a small fish hook."

Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need
a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft.
 
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'



*****************************************************************************************




Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.  Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...   
How soon can I go home?'


Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...


Done my part!!!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on May 15, 2011, 11:38:38 pm
nice .  .  . :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on May 19, 2011, 01:39:18 am
(http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/vandammesing.gif)

(http://inlinethumb15.webshots.com/48910/2863821200072664822S600x600Q85.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Splodge Of Doom on May 19, 2011, 06:40:42 pm
When is a bus not a bus?

...

When it's turned into a street!

 :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: wildsailer on May 20, 2011, 09:44:06 pm
What do you do with a rhino with 3 balls?








You walk him and pitch to the elephant.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on May 20, 2011, 10:33:31 pm
Late breaking news today, the United States Navy has finally revealed the identity of the seal who shot ossama binladen's eye out.........
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.(http://i332.photobucket.com/albums/m347/fnfnc64/ralph.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Khorne on May 21, 2011, 08:01:49 pm
A serial killer kidnaps a little girl and brings her into some deep, dark woods. The little girl says
"Gee, it's dark and creepy here, I'm scared".
The killer replies "You're scared? Imagine how I feel, I gotta walk back to the car alone."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on May 21, 2011, 08:39:08 pm
A serial killer kidnaps a little girl and brings her into some deep, dark woods. The little girl says
"Gee, it's dark and creepy here, I'm scared".
The killer replies "You're scared? Imagine how I feel, I gotta walk back to the car alone."
:facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on June 02, 2011, 07:05:46 pm
A serial killer kidnaps a little girl and brings her into some deep, dark woods. The little girl says
"Gee, it's dark and creepy here, I'm scared".
The killer replies "You're scared? Imagine how I feel, I gotta walk back to the car alone."
You win. Thats as messed up as it gets :doh
Years ago I remember Maxim magazine publishing a list of jokes you couldn't tell your wife. They weren't really crude- they were just jokes that wouldn't work with most females sense of humor (and decency). I only remember one of them. It was right after J.F.K. junior had crashed his airplane into the ocean, and Christopher Reeve was still alive. The joke was Q: Why didn't superman save J.F.K. junior?   A: Cause he is in a wheelchair. I was rolling :rotfl I think if Khorne's joke had been around then it would have made the top of the list.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 03, 2011, 04:17:09 pm
Dave  and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked  as  aircraft  mechanics  in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in  the  hangar  with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had  something to drink!' 

Jim  says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel  and  get  a  buzz.

You  wanna try it?' 

So  they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane  booze  and  get completely smashed.

The  next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good  he  feels.

In  fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side  effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.  Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel  this  morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim  says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a  hangover?' 

Dave  says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover,  nothing.  We  ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one  thing.' 

'What's  that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well,  DON'T - cause I'm in New  Zealand'.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mormegil on June 03, 2011, 05:37:33 pm
Why did Hellen Keller's dog kill itself?
you would too if your name was...MlaMuluaMua..
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on June 03, 2011, 07:53:19 pm
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.



'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several pecans dropped and rolled down toward the fence.


Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
 He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly with him to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on June 05, 2011, 04:28:31 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: eskimo jim on June 05, 2011, 08:55:01 pm
A city slicker follows his dream, sells his property and buys a farm in the country.  Enjoying the fresh air and wonderful view, he buys a bunch of pigs.  He doesn't have enough money for a lot of pigs so he buys a few and figures that "nature" will take its course to increase his stock of pigs.

As time goes by, he doesn't get any piglets.  He checks out the pigs and realizes that all of his pigs are sows.  He doesn't know what to do.  So he goes into town to talk with some of the old timers for advice.  they tell him that if he can't buy a boar, that he'll have to service the sows himself.  Once the sows are serviced, they'll stop walking around and sit down for several days.  The man is grossed out and returns home.  He's grossed out until he sees the piles of bills mounting up.  So he decides to put his pride on the shelf, loads his sows into his truck and takes them to a secluded part of the farm where he does the necessary task. 

The next day he looks out the window of his house and the pigs are walking around.  So he loads the sows up into his truck once again and takes them to the secluded spot for servicing.  Then he brings the pigs back.

This goes on for several days.  After a week of this each morning, seeing his sows walking around and his efforts being unsuccessful he becomes lower and lower in spirits.  Finally after a week, he just can't bear to look out the window.  The man asks his wife, "Darling, are my pigs out walking around?"

"No," replied his wife, "your pigs aren't walking around at all!"

The man is elated as he exclaims, "Are you sure?  Are you sure they aren't walking around?"

His wife replies, "Yes!  I'm very sure they aren't walking around!  They're all on the back of your truck and one is up front beeping the horn!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on June 18, 2011, 10:03:28 pm
(http://hipsterhitler.com/wp-content/webcomic/hh/12_deathray.png)



The sad part:  someone that looks like hitler (in the pic) in these parts would look "normal."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on June 18, 2011, 10:26:58 pm
FMJ,
Why?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on June 18, 2011, 10:35:41 pm
Because I started a thread on CGN making fun of those people and someone posted that.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on June 21, 2011, 11:03:57 pm
Little Billy was visiting his grandparents for the week - end.  He ran inside the house, breathless and stopped in front of grandma in the kitchen, " Grandma! Grandma!  -  What do you call it when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other? "  Grandma is slightly taken aback but considers the question innocent enough from a four year old and decides the answer will probably be over his head.  " Well sweetheart, they call that sexual intercourse. ".   Billy frowns a moment and then says "OK - thanks Grandma!" and runs back outside. 

Five minutes later Billy runs back inside and stops in front of Grandma in the kitchen.  " You were WRONG Grandma.  Its called bunk beds and Johnny's mom wants to talk to you right now. . ."   
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on June 23, 2011, 09:59:54 pm
Women's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on July 01, 2011, 04:10:48 pm

Men's Age, as determined by Trip to Home Depot

 

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house...  You are hot, sweaty, and covered in dirt.  You have your old work clothes on:  shorts with a hole in the crotch, old T-shirt w/ a stains from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.  And you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to complete the job...

 

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror and flex.   Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.

 

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change shoes.   You married the hot chick, so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it!  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

 

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is pretty.

 

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dog sh*t in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from "Buddy's Bait Shop" and it says, "I Got Worms ."

 

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog sh*t off your shoes.  Hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your shorts.  The girl running the register might be cute, but you don't have your glasses on, so you aren't sure.

 

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until the drugstore has your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog sh*t on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

 

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot, but end up at Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud, and think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

 

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe?  Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who am I?  Why am I reading this?  Did I send it?  Did you?  Who farted?


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on July 01, 2011, 07:35:44 pm
I am in my 20's, and I never shower or change just to go to Lowe's (Home Depot here sucks), because I know I'm just going to get sweatty and nasty again as soon as I get back. And even at my age, I feel dirty hitting on the young things at the register, since most of them appear to be high school aged. And who the hell goes to a hardware store to pick up chicks, anyway? I don't own cologne.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on July 01, 2011, 07:42:00 pm
[SNIP] And who the hell goes to a hardware store to pick up chicks, anyway? [/SNIP]

Probably the same type of people who flirt with the young things working behind the deli counter at a supermarket. I'm not sure, but I think an old lady tried hitting on me today....
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on July 01, 2011, 11:07:18 pm
I'm in my 50's,  my sport car is a 1993 Chevy Silverado and if my wife says I look ok,  I don't worry about it.  I take her with me to Lowes or Home Depot cause if we both forget something, it's ok, but if I go alone and forget something, I'm in trouble.    I am allowed to look, as long as I don't look to long or attempt to order from the menu.  ;D

sides,  most of em look younger than my daughter anymore.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on July 02, 2011, 10:20:42 pm
Probably the same type of people who flirt with the young things working behind the deli counter at a supermarket. I'm not sure, but I think an old lady tried hitting on me today....

Try getting goosed by an 80+ year old woman, while bent over behind her TV, in a tight area, trying like hell to reconnect her cable that mysteriously was disconnected.

Yes, she enjoyed it. She giggled like a school girl and scurried away with her can at a slow mosey.

I felt dirty and used afterwards and had to use hand sanitizer on my kester.

Wasn't going to call the cops cause I was afraid Chief45 would show up and laugh himself into a coma!


 :facepalm
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: RevDisk on July 02, 2011, 10:54:00 pm
Try getting goosed by an 80+ year old woman, while bent over behind her TV, in a tight area, trying like hell to reconnect her cable that mysteriously was disconnected.

Yes, she enjoyed it. She giggled like a school girl and scurried away with her can at a slow mosey.

I felt dirty and used afterwards and had to use hand sanitizer on my kester.

Wasn't going to call the cops cause I was afraid Chief45 would show up and laugh himself into a coma!

 ;D

When I was younger, I'd on occasion dress uhm.  A tad weird and aggressive.  Very large duster, with a 3 inch leather belt, plus combat boots.  Add in the 6'2, military hair cut and build...   It was quite entertaining to go to the mall.  The old guys sitting on the benches holding their lady's purse would eye up my ladyfriend, then the eyes would pan over, then WAY up.  Each and every time they started and looked horrified that they got "caught". 

I thought it was hysterical. 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: mwcoleburn on July 04, 2011, 02:07:00 am
Oh man, I remeber being 18, just off work from Starbucks, stripping off the coffee stained shirt and going to the store. I didnt know why people were always turning down isles as I was walking by. A buddy of mine informed me that they had just had a major neonazi bust a few months back. So 6'6" 240lbs in a wife beater, black dickies and doc martens tended to scare the hell out of people.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on July 04, 2011, 06:06:30 pm
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?



Because it's two tired.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Feud on July 05, 2011, 09:15:57 pm
A man walks into a guns store and asks to see the gunsmith.

"Sorry," the man behind the counter replies, "he's busy with another customer, it'll probably be another hour."

"An hour?" The man exclaimed, "what am I supposed to do until then?"

"Well," the man behind the counter answered, "we have a great selection of magazines."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on July 05, 2011, 09:34:26 pm
 :facepalm

We're being pun-ished for something, aren't we?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 05, 2011, 10:26:35 pm
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/6da408a1-2734-4c70-9d28-7c8b5df1a4ef.jpg)


(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/ce92c920-8c5a-4787-9483-3484f4ff67ff.jpg)


(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/8c0fe781-a68a-448c-a3af-1b376d595274.jpg)


(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/ad2144ce-29f1-4122-b23e-8fcfad9c72ad.jpg)


(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/9642186f-adf3-4a87-bc6e-8b8ec46100b5.jpg)


(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/00baacf9-f30d-47fe-bd4b-2a175576388d.jpg)


(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/920516eb-9227-44dc-9fe6-43ae0e2aefd3.jpg).


(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/3d263aa2-c49e-4dc8-8874-0f6fa3c5f6cf.jpg)


(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/fdee584c-6f93-429d-9fcc-640b95928d75.jpg)


(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/ed066bf8-3bdf-4053-917f-5958fd1a4f72.jpg)


(http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2011/6/21/cb6489db-2fd8-41e3-8a64-10cc402b1a4c.jpg)


(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/496dc0d1-8a4b-4a65-a935-6ffd23c27e0f.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on July 07, 2011, 08:16:40 pm
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

========================================================================
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

==============================================================

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

==========================================


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

================================================================================


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said,
'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them!TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

His Funeral is on Tuesday.

===========================================



Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
=======================================================


 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chrissmitty820 on July 08, 2011, 11:10:49 pm
Moses, Jesus and an old man were playing golf.  On the back nine, they came to a hole with the green on an island in the middle of a large water hazard.

Moses stepped up, swung, and dropped the ball in the middle of the water. Calmly, he approached the edge of the water, raised his club above his head, and parted the water, exposing his ball. He walked over, line up his shot and chipped it onto the green.

Jesus approached the tee, lined up and swung. A good shot, his ball landed on the green, a few yards from the hole. He walked across the hazard and easily putted it in.

Finally, the old man took his shot. He carefully gauged the wind, distance, and took his shot. The ball flew straight over the water, and plunged towards the middle of the lake. Just before it hit the surface, a huge fish jumped up, grabbed the ball out of the air, and fell back into the water.  Just before the fish could dive under, a massive eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons. As it was carrying the fish away, the old man's golf popped out the fish's mouth, bounced onto the green, and rolled into the hole.

Jesus looked at the old man and said "Great shot, Dad!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chrissmitty820 on July 09, 2011, 12:14:17 am
"old man's golf ball popped out of the fish's mouth"

Sheesh. 

I are being a Lit degree holder
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on July 14, 2011, 12:34:44 am
Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems.  He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.  He says pay the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.  Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.  The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.  Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims..  Finally, the last straw.  He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.  It's just so horribly creepy!  Can you help?

Signed,
Lost in DC
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.  You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you.  You can divorce the jerk any time you want.  The rest of us are stuck with the SOB for two more years!

Signed,
Abby
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on July 15, 2011, 07:35:35 pm
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.  His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.  The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book, but about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand, and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. 
His mother says, "Billy, are you alright?  You've been in there for a while."
Billy says, "I'm fine mommy.  I just haven't gone potty yet."
Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there for another few minutes, but why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
Billy replies, "It works for ketchup."

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on July 15, 2011, 07:39:26 pm
I could see my kid actually doing that.  :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on July 15, 2011, 07:47:55 pm
:rotfl


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on July 15, 2011, 08:03:21 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

Just passed that joke on to my folks. Mama Raptor just looked at me weird and said "That really isn't funny." Papa Raptor started laughing hysterically.  :shrug Must be a guy joke.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on July 15, 2011, 09:04:01 pm

A woman (married three times) walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'

The bride-to-be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time---for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.' :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 17, 2011, 02:52:20 pm
(http://img593.imageshack.us/img593/9523/thislittlepiggie.jpg)

(http://img42.imageshack.us/img42/6430/realityl.jpg)

(http://img823.imageshack.us/img823/849/redneckff.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on July 22, 2011, 06:45:15 pm
A little trivia


Railroad tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.


Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.


Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.


So who built those old rutted roads?


Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.



Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process, and wonder, 'What horse's *** came up with this?', you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.


Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.


The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.


So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ***. And you thought being a horse's *** wasn't important?

Horse's Asses control almost everything...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Khorne on July 23, 2011, 11:56:49 am
The word "Trivia" is also Roman.  "Tri" and "Via" a place where three roads meet.  It had special religous significance and they would post the news up at those places.

 :hide Sorry, history nerd.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Khorne on July 26, 2011, 11:44:32 pm
Here's an old Abbot and Castello joke.
"I'd rather marry an ugly girl than a pretty one." "Why" "Coz the pretty girl will run out on you" "Wouldn't an ugly girl run out on you too?" "Yeah, but who cares?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chrissmitty820 on July 28, 2011, 09:11:28 am
Headlines you won't see after the end of 'Avatar':

Billions left stranded on hostile planets as Unobtanium resources are depleted

Earth's first scheduled Unobtanium powered artificial heart recipient dies after procedure suspended indefinitely
    Billy Johnson, the ten year old physics prodigy scheduled to receive a new heart last month passed this morning.  His last words were "Why? Why did it suddenly become so expensive? All I wanted to do was live, and continue my work on new power sources for interstellar travel"
     Upon recovery from the procedure, Billy's first wish was to visit Pandora to personally thank the Nav'i. The world may never know what we have lost in the mind of young Billy.

Billions on Earth plunged into darkness as Unobtanium becomes scarce- Riots ensue

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: D4N on July 29, 2011, 06:42:56 am
When we got to the railways and railroad gauges.
I heard the story, why Russian railway gauge a bit wider then the track gauge in the rest of the Europe.
When the German engineers were invited to build railways in Russia, they asked the Tsar if he wants the same gauge as in Europe or wider.
Tsar aswered: "O chuja sirsoje" (that meant that he don't care) but the engineers did exactly what Tsar said and build the track gauge "O chuja" wider.

chuj = dick

Hope I didn't screw that, due to translation.  :hide   
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on July 31, 2011, 11:20:25 am


The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. .. . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them:

 :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on July 31, 2011, 11:17:27 pm
At recent training seminar in DC the CIA, the FBI and the Bureau of Indian Affairs became embroiled in an argument over who had the most effective agents. The instructors couldn't stand any more of the bickering and set up a test to determine once and for all who was the best.

On the morning of the test the agents met on the edge of a deep, dark wooded park. The instructors told them simply, "Find a rabbit."

After a few minutes and a brief phone call, the CIA man said, "We can tell you that there are no rabbits in there, there have never been any rabbits in there and any rabbits that you think you've found are simply gerbils in disguise and are working for the Chinese and North Koreans. Breath a word about this and its ten years in prison for you."

The FBI called in agents from every field office, ordered pallets of new gear for everyone from US CAV and Gall's, hung around the command post for two weeks, wandered around lost in the woods for days, lost all their new gear to the locals who rescue them, burnt the park caretaker out of his shack and finally concluded, $30 million and six years later, that there were no rabbits in the woods and how dare any one imply otherwise.

The BIA guys watch it all without saying a word, look at each other, nod and head off into the woods. Mere seconds pass when suddenly onlookers hear screaming, crashing, gunshots, chainsaws, explosions, cursing and slapping. The BIA agents emerge dragging a huge bleeding, busted up black bear in handcuffs who's screaming, "Awrite dammit! Awrite! I'm a rabbit! I'm a raaaaaabbit!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Harm on August 01, 2011, 12:15:22 am
At recent training seminar in DC the CIA, the FBI and the Bureau of Indian Affairs became embroiled in an argument over who had the most effective agents. The instructors couldn't stand any more of the bickering and set up a test to determine once and for all who was the best.

On the morning of the test the agents met on the edge of a deep, dark wooded park. The instructors told them simply, "Find a rabbit."

After a few minutes and a brief phone call, the CIA man said, "We can tell you that there are no rabbits in there, there have never been any rabbits in there and any rabbits that you think you've found are simply gerbils in disguise and are working for the Chinese and North Koreans. Breath a word about this and its ten years in prison for you."

The FBI called in agents from every field office, ordered pallets of new gear for everyone from US CAV and Gall's, hung around the command post for two weeks, wandered around lost in the woods for days, lost all their new gear to the locals who rescue them, burnt the park caretaker out of his shack and finally concluded, $30 million and six years later, that there were no rabbits in the woods and how dare any one imply otherwise.

The BIA guys watch it all without saying a word, look at each other, nod and head off into the woods. Mere seconds pass when suddenly onlookers hear screaming, crashing, gunshots, chainsaws, explosions, cursing and slapping. The BIA agents emerge dragging a huge bleeding, busted up black bear in handcuffs who's screaming, "Awrite dammit! Awrite! I'm a rabbit! I'm a raaaaaabbit!"

LMAO!  first time I heard that it was the LAPD instead of BIA.  Love that one!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 03, 2011, 10:49:49 pm


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed 'To Dad'.

 

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter...

 

 

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. 

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

 

Love, Your Son John

 

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home...

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on August 03, 2011, 11:53:35 pm
^^^If I pulled that, my father would work me over good! ;)

Kaso
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on August 04, 2011, 03:05:58 pm
Yeah... I'd be dead.


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on August 04, 2011, 03:09:43 pm
I tried something similar with my folks once when I got a D on a math test. It didn't go over too well.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 09, 2011, 09:09:21 pm
"Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is analogous to watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.
 
**********************************************************************

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body
shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. " I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

******"My Rolex !!"

********************************************************************

Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
Obama asks him his name.
" Walter ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they
will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right:
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his
name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.


First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you
knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?


Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the heck happened to Walter ?"
 
*******************************************************************


 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 09, 2011, 09:17:36 pm
THE FEMALE DENTIST PULLS OUT A NUMBING NEEDLE TO GIVE THE MAN A
SHOT. 

"NO WAY! NO NEEDLES. I HATE NEEDLES" THE PATIENT SAID. 

THE DENTIST STARTS TO HOOK UP THE NITROUS OXIDE AND THE MAN OBJECTS
AGAIN. 

"I CAN'T DO THE GAS THING. THE THOUGHT OF HAVING THE GAS MASK ON
SUFFOCATES ME!" 

THE DENTIST THEN ASKS THE PATIENT IF HE HAS ANY OBJECTION TO TAKING
A PILL. 

"NO OBJECTION," THE PATIENT SAYS. "I'M FINE WITH PILLS." 

THE DENTIST STEPS OUT OF THE OFFICE AND RETURNS A MOMENT LATER,
"HERE'S A VIAGRA." 

THE PATIENT SAYS, "WOW! I DIDN'T KNOW VIAGRA WORKED AS A
PAINKILLER!" 

"IT DOESN'T" SAID THE DENTIST, "BUT IT'S GOING TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING TO HOLD ON TO WHEN I PULL YOUR TOOTH."

**********************************************************************


Dear American Taxpayer

For only the second time in my adult life, I am not ashamed of my country.  I want to thank the hard working American people for paying $242 thousand dollars for my vacation in Spain .

My daughter Sasha, several long-time family friends, my personal staff and various guests had a wonderful time.  Honestly, you just haven't lived until you have stayed in a $2,500.00 per night private 3-story villa at a 5-Star luxury hotel.


Thank you also for the use of Air Force Two and the 70 Secret Service personnel who tagged along to be sure we were safe and cared for at all times.  By the way, if you happen to be visiting the Costa del Sol, I highly recommend the Buenaventura Plaza restaurant in Marbella ; great lobster with rice and oysters!  I'm ashamed to admit the lobsters we ate in Martha's Vineyard were not quite as tasty, but what can you do if you're not in Europe , you have to just grin and bear it?

Air Force Two (which costs $11,351 per hour to operate according to Government Accounting Office reports) only used 47,500 gallons of jet fuel for this trip and carbon emissions were a mere 1,031 tons of CO2. These are only rough estimates, but they are close.  That's quite a carbon footprint as my good friend Al Gore would say, so we must ask the American citizens to drive smaller, more fuel efficient cars and drive less too, so we can lessen our combined carbon footprint.

I know times are hard and millions of you are struggling to put food on the table and trying to make ends meet.  So I do appreciate your sacrifices and do hope you find work soon.

I was really exhausted after Barack took our family on a luxury vacation in Maine a few weeks ago.  I just had to get away for a few days.

Cordially,

Michelle (Moochelle) Obama

P.S. Thank you as well for the $2 BILLION dollar trip to India from which we just returned!


P.SS. Thank you, too, for that vacation trip to Martha's Vineyard ; it was fabulous. And thanks for that second smaller jet that took our dog Bo to Martha's Vineyard so we and the children could have him with us while we were away from the White House for eleven days. After all, we couldn't take him on Air Force One because he might pee on some wires or something.

P.SSS. Oh, I almost forgot to say thanks also for our two-week trip to Hawaii at Christmas. That 7,000 square foot house was great!

Love ya!

Remember we all have to share the pain of these economic times equally! Love to -redistribute- share- the wealth.



Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 11, 2011, 05:32:15 pm
(http://i765.photobucket.com/albums/xx293/michaeljmutch/penisisgone.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 13, 2011, 11:56:03 pm
Tom and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day  to feed  the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world  problems.

One day Tom didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and  figured maybe he had a cold or  something. But after Tom hadn't shown  up
for a week or so, Sam really got  worried. However, since the only time they ever got together  was at the park, Sam didn't know where Tom lived, so he was  unable to find out what had happened to  him.

A month had  passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Tom,
but one day, Sam approached the  park and            -- lo and behold! --there  sat
Tom! Sam was very excited and happy  to see him and told him so. Then
he  said, 'For crying out loud Tom, what in the world happened to  you?'

Tom replied, 'I have been in  jail.'

'Jail?' cried  Sam. 'What in the world  for?'

'Well,' Tom said, 'you know Mary, that cute little  blonde waitress at the coffee shop where  I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I  remember her. What about  her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape  charges against me; and, at 89 years  old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled  'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for  perjury.






Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on August 13, 2011, 11:59:15 pm
Tom and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day  to feed  the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world  problems.

One day Tom didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and  figured maybe he had a cold or  something. But after Tom hadn't shown  up
for a week or so, Sam really got  worried. However, since the only time they ever got together  was at the park, Sam didn't know where Tom lived, so he was  unable to find out what had happened to  him.

A month had  passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Tom,
but one day, Sam approached the  park and            -- lo and behold! --there  sat
Tom! Sam was very excited and happy  to see him and told him so. Then
he  said, 'For crying out loud Tom, what in the world happened to  you?'

Tom replied, 'I have been in  jail.'

'Jail?' cried  Sam. 'What in the world  for?'

'Well,' Tom said, 'you know Mary, that cute little  blonde waitress at the coffee shop where  I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I  remember her. What about  her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape  charges against me; and, at 89 years  old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled  'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for  perjury.


  :facepalm Oh, Oh, Oh, that's bad.  :facepalm

Kaso
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 16, 2011, 02:16:08 am
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep s--t."
Reply With Quote
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on August 16, 2011, 09:50:45 pm
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"


"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep s--t."
Reply With Quote

"Only what came out of the horse, Senor Rod."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sixboysdad on August 17, 2011, 12:13:12 pm
A man walks into the diner, and the Special of the Day is COLD CHILI! $1.99/bowl!

The man has never had cold chili, but decides he should try it, so he asks the waitress for a bowl.

"Sorry, hon," replies the waitress. "The gentleman two seats over just got the last bowl. It's not a regular item, so we don't make a lot of it."

"All right, let me have a ham sandwich, then," says the man.

As he waits for his sandwich, the man notices that the other customer isn't eating the cold chili, but rather, he is sipping his coffee and reading a magazine. "Excuse me," asks the first man. "I notice you're not eating the cold chili you ordered. I would like to try it, and will pay you for yours, if you don't want it."

The other man looks at the chili and replies, "Oh, I decided I don't want it. It's yours, if you do."

So the first man takes the bowl and tastes it, When he discovers that it is delicious, he begins eating with gusto.  About halfway through the bowl, he notices that there is a dead mouse in the chili. Immediately nauseated, he vomits up all the chili he just ate back into the bowl.

The second man looks up and says, "Yep, same thing happened to me when I saw it, too."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 18, 2011, 01:57:41 am
The recession has hit everybody really hard... My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them!




I know a lot of you are Mormon, hope you don't mind that part of the joke.  :hide
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on August 18, 2011, 02:11:39 am
Hang around them some time.  They make more jokes than anyone else.  And they're better jokes.


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on August 18, 2011, 07:27:30 am
There are some Mormons who take themselves way too seriously...but it ain't us.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on August 18, 2011, 07:35:39 am
There are some Mormons who take themselves way too seriously...but it ain't us.
Too early for you, sarge. Go back to bed.

LOL!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on August 18, 2011, 10:30:46 am
There are some Mormons who take themselves way too seriously...but it ain't us.


I figured that (after nearly three years here)

, but still, the first rule is to always cover your ass.  ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on August 18, 2011, 12:20:30 pm
The wisdom of the Dakota indians
....passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on August 18, 2011, 10:28:16 pm
I met a fairy. She said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on August 21, 2011, 12:24:47 am
I met a fairy. She said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Bravo!  Bravo!  Bravissimo!  :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on August 24, 2011, 04:39:21 pm
How to poster
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Sanguine on August 24, 2011, 07:07:30 pm
BREAKING NEWS:
President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continue an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 25, 2011, 02:24:18 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Khorne on August 25, 2011, 07:28:19 pm
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Khorne on August 25, 2011, 07:29:52 pm
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They're all at the funeral."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Khorne on August 25, 2011, 07:39:19 pm
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Khorne on August 25, 2011, 10:03:33 pm
I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio... (Bill Braudis)

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?" (Steven Wright)

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what's your final question?"

We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 25, 2011, 11:18:10 pm
I think we need a rimshot smiley . . . ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on August 26, 2011, 09:59:30 am
Haven't read through the thread, so I don't know if this has been seen before:

A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said 'Lord have mercy! that's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 28, 2011, 04:20:24 pm
See?  I told ya' we need a rimshot smiley . . .
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on August 31, 2011, 11:20:23 am
Posted by a friend on facebook :

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box... gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . Bob has been missing since Friday.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 31, 2011, 03:02:36 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 31, 2011, 07:49:15 pm
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.  The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.  He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.


The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.  Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. 


At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."  Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."  Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. 


If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."  The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 31, 2011, 08:17:22 pm
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

 

Best explanation I've heard yet.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on August 31, 2011, 08:26:27 pm
Funny, I first heard that joke about Bush... then about Palin...  :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on August 31, 2011, 08:41:43 pm
I'm pretty sure I first heard it about Clinton, but it's probably been around since John Tyler.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: HMPlatinum on August 31, 2011, 09:31:04 pm
If it fits, it doesn't make it any less funny.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 01, 2011, 10:51:57 am
(http://knowyourmeme.com/i/2651/original/41GlByFzNgL._AA280_.jpg?1242929643)

Quote
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on September 01, 2011, 12:21:20 pm
bleach.   need to reach the bleach.   can't get that picture out of my head.     help. . . . .  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 01, 2011, 12:37:09 pm
I didn't even know that shirt was ever a meme.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chrissmitty820 on September 01, 2011, 12:46:08 pm
I think we need a rimshot smiley . . . ;D

(http://www.emotty.com/images/emoticons/587.png)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Garaballo on September 01, 2011, 12:47:08 pm
Why do lepers never starve to death?

Because they never run out of things to cook...

(Badum Badum Bash)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 01, 2011, 01:07:43 pm
"REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.
4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. ~Cooter"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on September 01, 2011, 03:19:35 pm
That oughta work.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 01, 2011, 07:51:12 pm
(http://ammofactory.org/misc/kids.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Khorne on September 03, 2011, 12:21:36 am
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his pizza before it was cool.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on September 04, 2011, 04:51:56 pm
-  Skinny Dipping


An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of pretty young women skinny-dipping in
his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out of this pond until
you leave."

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on September 10, 2011, 03:10:50 pm
The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.


 

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."


 

She said, "You watch porn."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 10, 2011, 05:39:14 pm
The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.


 

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."


 

She said, "You watch porn."


:rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on September 11, 2011, 04:56:57 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Smith1776 on September 11, 2011, 05:27:23 pm
During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...
... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on September 11, 2011, 07:31:42 pm
If you have to fart,  go ahead and fart. 




otherwise,  it crawls up your spine and you wind up with a s___ty idea.





 :whistle
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on September 13, 2011, 02:33:28 pm
Engineers' Conversion Table


1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Smith1776 on September 13, 2011, 02:39:03 pm
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.


_______________________


Shoot
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on September 13, 2011, 02:54:08 pm
A burglar's been casing out a house for a few weeks, learning the family patterns, going through the trash, and so on.  He's delighted to find an itinerary in the trash, for an upcoming vacation.  The night the family leaves, he watches them drive off, then sneaks around back, and through a basement window.  As he eases closed the window, he hears a high-pitched voice say "I sees ya, and Jesus sees ya." The guy freaks out a little. He was sure he saw everybody get in the car, and drive off.  He switches on his flashlight, and looks around. His light settles on a birdcage, holding a parrot.

The parrot cocks an eye at him, and says "I sees ya, and Jesus sees ya."

"HA!  Jesus ain't gonna do anything more to me than you are, birdbrain," and he turns around... and spots the family Rottweiler.

Behind him, the parrot says "Sick 'im, Jesus."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on September 13, 2011, 04:30:23 pm
Engineers' Conversion Table

Can Feud top these puns?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on September 13, 2011, 04:31:34 pm
Can Feud top these puns?

Don't encourage him  ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on September 13, 2011, 07:39:14 pm
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
 


_______________________




Mechanical Engineers make blueprints. Guys who barely graduated high school on the "we don't want him back plan", who work for the proverbial "lowest bidder", and who usually get to work before the Engineers get out of bed in the morning make the weapons. Their GED/ non-documented (illegal) alien drinking buddies make the targets, also quite often before the Engineers get out of bed.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on September 14, 2011, 09:50:08 pm
Super MariObama 2! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHkcMRi7YyU#ws)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on September 18, 2011, 02:44:17 pm
A black guy, a white guy, a Christian, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What can I get you, Mr. President?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 06, 2011, 01:12:54 pm
I just had to....

(http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/53500/iCasket--53843.jpg)

The base model includes a glossy LED backlit display with multi-touch technology,slot loading optical drive,comfy pillow,Advanced NVIDIA integrated graphics,Built-in omnidirectional microphone, keyboard,earbuds,bluetooth and Wifi. Mac OS X v10.5 Leopard includes iTunes and iDeath. Meets ENERGY STAR requirements. Largely recyclable.  Designed by Apple in California.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on October 07, 2011, 09:09:04 am
I wouldn't be surprised if that was real. I LOL'ed.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on October 08, 2011, 10:56:22 pm

In Heaven:
The police are British,
The chefs are Italian,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are French,
and it's all organized by the Swiss.

In Hell:
The police are German,
The chefs are British,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
and it is all organized by the Italians.

Kaso


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on October 19, 2011, 12:15:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

It has the F-word, FYI.  But very funny!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on October 27, 2011, 12:07:30 pm
 

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said in order to have inner peace, we should finish things we started & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on October 27, 2011, 07:27:30 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on October 29, 2011, 03:19:30 pm
> > A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He
> > doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he
> > writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
> >
> > A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
> >
> > Dear Sir,
> > Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
> > cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
> > as a pirate.
> >
> > Very truly yours,
> > Acme Costume Co.
> >
> > The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden
> > leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
> > receives another parcel and a note, which says:
> >
> > Dear Sir,
> > Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your
> > Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
> >
> > Very truly yours,
> > Acme Costume Co.
> >
> > Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
> > wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company
> > another nasty letter of complaint.
> >
> > The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
> >
> > Dear Sir,
> > We have TRIED our very BEST.
> > Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
> > 
> >
> > Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
> > Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
> >
> > Very truly yours,
> > Acme Costume Co.
> >


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on November 08, 2011, 01:06:26 pm
]I was working out at the gym this morning when I spotted this sweet young thing across the room

(http://www.gethenchnow.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Hot-Gym-Girls-25.jpg)


I asked a trainer friend what machine I could use that would impress her.




He crossed his arms and put his hand on his chin, looked me up and down, top to bottom, and says, "Give the ATM in the lobby a try."












Bastard
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on November 09, 2011, 09:10:07 am
 :rotfl  Been there.  Did that.  Got over it.   ;D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on November 13, 2011, 10:39:53 pm
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw Daddy and Aunt Diana in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could barely contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy," Little Johnny exclaimed, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Diana. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Diana a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Diana helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Diana........." At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an INTERESTING story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell him tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked Little Johnny to tell Daddy his story. Mommy listened closely as Little Johnny started telling his story about how he saw the car go into the woods, then watched Aunt Diana get undressed, and "then Aunt Diana laid down on the back seat....and then Aunt Diana and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!!!" Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt someone.

Why did the British wear red coats in battle?

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat." Many people have asked, "why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.




A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry; it's entirely my fault! Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
__________________
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on November 17, 2011, 01:49:13 am
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse, about 50 feet behind
the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him a short distance back were about 200 men walking in a single
file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replies, "My wife."
He asks, ''What happened to her?"
The man replies, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
Silence passed between the two men. It was a very poignant and touching
moment of brotherhood.
He finally asks, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replies, "Get In Line."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on November 20, 2011, 07:10:52 pm
HOW GUN MAGAZINES WRITE ARTICLES



FIRST: Instruction From The Editor To The Journalist:

"Frangible Arms just bought a four page color ad in our next issue. They sent us their latest offering, the CQB MK-V Tactical Destroyer. I told Fred to take it out to the range to test. He'll have the data for you tomorrow."




NEXT: Feedback From Technician Fred:

"The pistol is a crude copy of the World War II Japanese Nambu type 14 pistol, except it's made from unfinished zinc castings. The grips are pressed cardboard. The barrel is unrifled pipe. There are file marks all over the gun, inside and out."

"Only 10 rounds of 8mm ammunition were supplied. Based on previous experience with a genuine Nambu, I set up a target two feet down range. I managed to cram four rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber. I taped the magazine in place, bolted the pistol into a machine rest, got behind a barricade, and pulled the trigger with 20 feet of 550 cord. I was unable to measure the trigger pull because my fish scale tops out at 32 pounds. On the third try, the pistol fired. From outline of the holes, I think the barrel, frame, magazine, trigger and recoil spring blew through the target. The remaining parts scattered over the landscape."

"I sent the machine rest back to the factory to see if they can fix it, and we need to replace the shooting bench for the nice people who own the range. I'll be off for the rest of the day. My ears are still ringing. I need a drink."


LAST: Article Produced By The Journalist:

The CQB MK-V Tactical Destroyer is arguably the deadliest pistol in the world. Based on a combat proven military design, but constructed almost entirely of space age alloy, it features a remarkable barrel design engineered to produce a cone of fire, a feature much valued by Special Forces world wide. The Destroyer shows clear evidence of extensive hand fitting. The weapon disassembles rapidly without tools. At a reasonable combat distance, I put five holes in the target faster than I would have thought possible. This is the pistol to have if you want to end a gunfight at all costs. The gun is a keeper, and I find myself unable to send it back.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on November 20, 2011, 09:13:25 pm
Hahaha! How true, how true. Sounds like a Gary Paul "Never met a gun I didn't like" Johnston gun review. He's the same clown that invented the 1* symbol for SWAT as in "You only have one a__ to risk." No Mr. Tool, while in your world where I'm sure its all about you, on SWAT you have a whole team's a___s to risk. I may be reading his symbol all wrong but its always struck me as self-centered...plus I hate his gun reviews.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Khorne on November 21, 2011, 07:47:17 pm
"Disassembles rapidly without tools"   :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on November 27, 2011, 01:28:12 pm
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,  by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.  I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
---------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-------------------------------------------- -------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other nasty names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
---------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they DO make me look a bit gay.
---------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Traveling Circus, a spokesman said "We'll have to get another man of the same caliber."
---------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his Junior High class give him hand sex. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
---------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need -KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, etc..."
---------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in the US ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "No Hablo Ingles."
---------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
-------------------------------------------------- -
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "What makes you think so?"  He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
---------------------------------------------------------
My b____ of a girlfriend called the cops and told them she thinks that I might be a stalker.  Well... to be honest, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
---------------------------------------------------------
A wife says to her husband  "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He answered, "What the hell do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
---------------------------------------------------------
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated and must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow.  I said, "Obviously, you haven't been listening."
---------------------------------------------------------
My wife has been missing a week now.  The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
---------------------------------------------------------
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
---------------------------------------------------------
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan.  I said we'd love to, but unfortunately our garden hose only reaches to the damn driveway.

 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on November 27, 2011, 01:31:53 pm
A gas station owner in Louisiana was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that  read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his  tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1  to 10.   If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck  guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.  Sorry. No sex this time..'

A week later, the same redneck, along with a  buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.  Again he asked for his  free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct  number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it  was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were  driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged  and he don't really give away free sex.'

Bubba replied, 'No it ain't  rigged. My wife won twice last week.'

***************************************************************

 A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
 

 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on November 27, 2011, 01:52:20 pm
. . .flooding in Pakistan . . . :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on December 02, 2011, 02:02:38 am
what would you do in this situation (http://media.mtvnservices.com/player/loader/?CONFIG_URL=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.mtvnservices.com%2Fplayer%2Fconfig.jhtml%3Furi%3Dmgid%253Acms%253Amvideo%253Acmt.com%253A40319%26group%3Dmusic%26type%3Dnoesi%26ref%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fmail.aol.com&uri=mgid%3Acms%3Amvideo%3Acmt.com%3A40319&group=music&type=noesi&ref=http://mail.aol.com) ?

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on December 02, 2011, 02:19:29 am
I think I'd wait.


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on December 03, 2011, 08:03:45 pm
I think I'd wait.


-T.
Thats funny- I think I would too. Curiosity and stupidity go hand-in-hand, and I got more than my fair share of both! :thumbup1
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 22, 2011, 08:55:32 pm
To All My Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

 

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on December 24, 2011, 09:00:22 am
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting
to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.


The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on December 24, 2011, 09:02:33 am
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills several more times, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"

 

 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on December 24, 2011, 01:54:12 pm
:rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on December 24, 2011, 02:10:33 pm
That was funny.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on December 24, 2011, 03:31:49 pm
Bwahahahahahaha! That and the taxidermy joke are for the Christmas party tonight
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on December 24, 2011, 05:32:47 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 27, 2011, 06:28:16 pm
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mom

 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on December 27, 2011, 06:34:07 pm
^^^  That's pretty good.


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 05, 2012, 10:57:41 pm
 
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on January 05, 2012, 11:55:49 pm
Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club car of a train headed east out of Chicago.

"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to London?"

The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."

The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did he say, Reggie?"

"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman replied.

After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"

The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months just before I came back to the States!"

"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.

"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 08, 2012, 12:14:22 am

Three blondes are stranded on a island. They find a magic lamp. All three rub the lamp at once and out comes a genie. He will grant three wishes, one to each of them. The first blonde says I wish to be smarter so I can find a way to get off this island. POOF! The genie turned her to a burnette and she proceeded to swim off of the island. The second blonde says that she wants to be even smarter than the first so she can get off the island. POOF! The genie turned her into a redhead, she built a boat, and sailed off the island. The third blonde, not wanting to be out done or stranded, asked the genie to make her even smarter than the other two so that she could also get off the island. POOF! The genie turned her into a man and she walked across the bridge.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 15, 2012, 09:17:18 pm
Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed,  'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said:

"Looking back on it, ....

circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."

*********************************************************

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11,
>
> a blonde catches up.
>
> She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
>
> The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and
> you are losing some of your load!"
>
> The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
> When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
> Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and
> Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
>
> As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
> "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
>
> Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
> Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens
> again.
>
> All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
> knocks on the truck door.
> The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my
> Name is Heather, and you are
> Losing some of your load!"
>
> When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
> light.
> When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
> to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he
> says,..............
>
> "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the SALT
> TRUCK.........."


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on January 15, 2012, 09:54:54 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 20, 2012, 02:54:40 pm

 Two sisters, one blonde and one
brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years,
they are in financial trouble..
   
 In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
 
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her
sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to
buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive
out after me and haul it home.'
 
The brunette arrives at the man's
ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it.
   
 The man tells her that he will sell it
for $599, no less.
   
 After paying him, she drives to the
nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.
   
  She walks into the telegraph office,
and says, 'I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've
bought a bull for our ranch.
   
 I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
 
The telegraph operator explains that
he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it
will cost 99 cents a word.
   
  Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette realizes that she'll only be
able to send her sister one word.
 
After a few minutes of thinking, she
nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'
 
The operator shakes his head. 'How
is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your
pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her just the word
'comfortable?'
 
The brunette explains, 'My sister's
blonde.. The word is big.
   
  She'll read it very slowly...
'com-for-da-bul.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on January 21, 2012, 04:29:03 pm

Shot my first Turkey today.
Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 22, 2012, 08:39:07 pm
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil b____es.
Don't mess with them.

*********************************************************************

A wife is helping her husband installing his computer, then
Having completed that successfully, she said that he now
Should have a password that he would easily remember, so
That he would be able to use his computer when it asked
Him his password.
Being a bit of a He-man, he winks at his wife and says "penis",
As he enters the password and presses the mouse button,
His wife bursts into a hysterical fit of laughter.......

The computer responded:
"Too Short"
Entry Refused
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on January 30, 2012, 10:21:26 am
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
 
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
 
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
 
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my p*nis to the bottom of my testicles."
 
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
 
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's p*nis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
 
The general replied, "In Vietnam."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on January 30, 2012, 09:21:25 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 31, 2012, 07:49:24 pm
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
 
No one moved.
 
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
 
Again all was quiet.
 
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
 
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
 
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

********************************************************************

A young Arab boy asks his father,
"What is that  weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "It's 'chechia'.
In the desert  it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this  type of clothing
that you are  wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot
and it protects the body."
said the father.

The son asked,
"And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches",
which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"Tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in  Dearborn , Michigan
and still wearing all this crap?"

********************************************************

West Kentucky farm kid in the US Marines (now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training) ......

 

Dear Ma and Pa,

 

I am well.  Hope you are.  Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.  Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first, because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.  But I am getting so I like to sleep late.  Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.  Practically nothing.

All men got to shave but, .. it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.  Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.  Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Greer boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,

 Alice
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on January 31, 2012, 09:58:19 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on January 31, 2012, 10:29:16 pm
Haaaaa....I like that letter.  :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 01, 2012, 12:57:51 am
LOLOLOLOLOL!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on February 01, 2012, 02:21:05 am
The Dearborn Arab joke got me
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on February 01, 2012, 08:55:12 pm
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Peters stood and walked to the podium. 
She said, "I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Peters." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: mwcoleburn on February 01, 2012, 09:06:17 pm
Sternum.... I just stole that one!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on February 04, 2012, 02:42:32 pm
Partners help each other undress before sex.
 However after sex, they always dress on their own.
 Moral of the story:
 In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on February 04, 2012, 04:10:11 pm
^^^...and if someone is helping you, you can bet your ass that they want something from you.


Kaso
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on February 06, 2012, 07:09:33 pm
A young hill boy joins the Army. The family is very happy. Pa tells him to go and do the family proud.
Five days later the boy is home.
“Boy”, Pa asks. “Why you home already?”
Pa,”the boy begins. “The first day we was there they issued me a comb and a hair brush, that afternoon they cut off all my hair.
The second day they issued me a toothbrush and toothpaste. That afternoon they pulled 3 of my teeth.
Yesterday morning they issued me a jock strap and I runned away.”
 :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Evil Jim on February 06, 2012, 07:12:56 pm
Which Hill boy was that?
George, Zach, Musashi, Musket?
Specifics man!!!


Jim
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chrissmitty820 on February 06, 2012, 10:54:06 pm
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives 
Off the bar and ate them.
 
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto 
The pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
 
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow 
Swallowed it whole.
 
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your 
Monkey just did?"
 
"No, what?"
 
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
 
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats 
Everything in sight.
Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
 
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the  monkey ate and left.
 
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He  ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The  monkey found a maraschinocherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it  up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
 
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt,  pulled it out, and ate it.
 
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
 
"No, what?" replied the man.
 
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,   pulled them out, and ate them!"
 
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball,  he measures everything first."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 07, 2012, 12:00:41 am
LOL^
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on February 07, 2012, 06:11:20 pm
Which Hill boy was that?
George, Zach, Musashi, Musket?
Specifics man!!!


Jim

That was "hill" with the small h. As in...oh no, I ain't gonna fall for that one again.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on February 07, 2012, 09:47:34 pm
A curvaceous, long legged, well endowed blonde went to the recruiting office to join the military and serve her country.
At the office they put her through the ASVAB and several other tests. She outscored every other recruit in the history of the tests.
They put her through M.E.P.S. (Military Entrance Processing) station physicals and psych tests and she passed above and beyond anyone who had ever been through the M.E.P.S. station in all of recorded military history.
The recruiters were falling all over themselves trying to get her in as an officer and were promising anything and everything to get her to sign up.
The Army promised her the Rank of Captain and her own personnel HumVee.
The Navy promised her the rank of Lt. Commander and her own Frigate to command.
The Air Force promised her the rank of Colonel and her own squadron of F-22 Raptors to command.
The Marines promised her the Rank of Brigadier General and a whole Battalion of Marines to command.

In the end she went with the Coast Guard.
Why, you ask?

They promised her the Rank of Lieutenant Jr. Grade.
They promised to send her to the Coast Guard Diver School.
And promised she'd be worked hard every day and sent to remote locations with little notice, bad food, and little sleep.

Oh...and that she'd be surrounded by men in skin tight suits whose job it would be to drill her on a daily basis.


 ;)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on February 09, 2012, 02:43:56 pm
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
 
1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
 cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
 
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
 laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
 and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
 and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
 do not know each other.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on February 09, 2012, 10:33:26 pm
I almost commented that it's important to not have just one woman...then I read the punchline.

As a single guy with no desire to marry in the near future, I agree with all of the above!

Remember, there's no age limit to be a Dirty Old Man!
Title: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coyotesfan97 on February 10, 2012, 02:40:02 am
Cowboy:  GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.
 
CASHIER:  DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?
 
Cowboy:  NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on February 10, 2012, 02:32:59 pm
:rotfl   ^^^
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Grant on February 10, 2012, 05:50:50 pm
Yooper love story:  (Originally Swedish love story, but I've never heard of a Swede named Ole).

Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Michigan. It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da general store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes,

she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on February 10, 2012, 09:53:09 pm
Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap
me around.  So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him
and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one
arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed,  'WELL, brothers,
you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND
me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down
one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just
like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of
the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on February 10, 2012, 10:30:09 pm
That last joke seems familiar (https://wethearmed.com/r-r/the-great-big-thread-of-jokes/msg263420/#msg263420).
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on February 10, 2012, 10:55:07 pm
I know. It's just so good I had to post it again.
 ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: strangelittleman on February 11, 2012, 09:55:37 am
 Political Humor:
 A liberal, a conservative, a common sense liberal and a compassionate conservative all walk in to a bar, the bar tender looks up and says, " Hi Mitt!"   >:D

Abortion Humor:
Knock, Knock....
Who's there?...
Who's there?...
I guess we'll never know......    >:D


 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 18, 2012, 01:24:27 am
 It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost

 zero when the little Blonde got off work.  She made her way to her car and

 wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it

 warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her

 daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a

 snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a

 snow drift.

 

 This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a

 snow-plow went by and she started to follow it.  As she followed the

 snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not

 having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

 

 After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow

 stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for

 her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was

 alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she

 was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when

 caught in a blizzard.

 

 The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she

 wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over

 to Sears next.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on February 19, 2012, 05:40:00 pm
(http://i332.photobucket.com/albums/m347/fnfnc64/tumblr_ldo3ktnLYy1qcfoo3o1_500.png)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on February 21, 2012, 09:58:55 pm
From the Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

   
    People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.
    Obama was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 23, 2012, 05:52:04 pm
> Barack Obama was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.
> Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car
> comes to a stop. Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you
> were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is
> dead.
> 'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Obama.
>
> Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a
> big grin on his face. 'My god, what happened to you?' asks Obama.
> The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
> of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to
> me.'
>
> 'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Obama.
>
> 'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm
> Barack Obama's chauffeur and I've just run over the jackass.'
 

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on February 24, 2012, 04:09:37 am
 :shocked :facepalm :rotfl  :clap
Title: My sincerest apologies
Post by: goatroper on February 25, 2012, 11:05:03 am
Not so much for stealing this from   http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/archives/009125.html (http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/archives/009125.html)   ; more for printing it.

Two Norwegians from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd.

They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: ...

... "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!


Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis," Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues
to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."


BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting and now Lars, hengliding."

Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: the556GRIZZLY on February 25, 2012, 11:48:36 am
Uffda mada der den dat was a good one ja ja

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on February 25, 2012, 11:41:19 pm
Are those the same guys that run Northwoods Air Service?  I remember being on a flight a while back when the captain got on the intercom and asked the passengers to join in the pre-flight prayer.   :shocked   He continued and the cabin crew and passengers joined in, "Father, son and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Duluth or pretty close.  Amen.". 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on February 26, 2012, 07:37:37 pm
:rotfl

I always refer to getting a "blessing" (like the boss approved doing something) as "Omni, Omni, VOR, ILS and PAR." All while doing the sign of the cross.

Aviation geek humor.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Canthros on March 05, 2012, 09:02:10 pm
I wanted to thank a couple of you guys for the wonderful, awful Norwegian jokes. I've been sharing them with my parents every couple of weeks, when I visit (though they live in Kentucky now, both are originally from Lower Upper ScandihooviaSouth Dakota). Though there has been much groaning, they haven't beaten me, yet.  :D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 05, 2012, 10:16:31 pm
 :thumbup1
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 06, 2012, 10:08:09 pm
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE  DANGEROUS...
        Snakes also known as Garter Snakes  (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous.  Yes, grass snakes, not  rattlesnakes.
        Here's why….
        A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a  lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a  lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
        It  turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the  plants.  When it had warmed up,  it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
        She let out  a very loud scream.
        The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out  into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was  a snake under the sofa.
        He got down on the floor on his hands and  knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed  him on the behind.  He thought the snake  had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
        His wife  thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie  still and called an ambulance.
        The attendants rushed in, would not  listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying  him out.
        About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa  and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the  stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the  hospital.
        The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house,  so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a  rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.  Soon he decided it was  gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
        But  while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt  the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and  fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
        The neighbor man,  seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive  her.
        The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at  the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and  slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,  knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed  stitches.
        The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw  her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she  assumed that the snake had bitten him.  She went to the kitchen  and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's  throat.
        By now, the police had arrived.
          Breathe  here...
        They saw the  unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had  occurred.  They were about to  arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over  a little garden snake!
        The police called an ambulance, which took  away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
        Now, the little snake again  crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and  fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it  shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the  drapes.
        The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
        Meanwhile,  neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.  The firemen had started  raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore  out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones  in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire  out).
        Time passed!
        Both men were  discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home,  the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
        A  while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap  for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring  in their plants for the night.
        And that's when he shot  her.


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 06, 2012, 10:10:43 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on March 07, 2012, 12:07:53 am
[chuckle]
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on March 07, 2012, 09:44:08 pm
...and that's when the fight started.
 :-\
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on March 10, 2012, 08:11:51 pm
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be  appropriate.
--Jay  Leno

America needs Obama-care  like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay  Leno

Q: Have you heard about  McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and  the guy behind you has  to pay for it.
  --Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama  call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay  Leno

Q: What's the difference  between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax  evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing  prisoners.
--David  Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and  Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink,  who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy  Fallon

Q: What's the difference  between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy  Kimmel

Q: What was the most  positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of  the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David  Letterman

Solution to the problem in  Syria :
They want a new Muslim leader,
Give them ours.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 11, 2012, 10:13:09 pm
A  woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is  staying home because she is not feeling well. 
"What's  the matter?" he asks.
"I  have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. 
"What  the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I  can't see my ass coming into work  today."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 13, 2012, 09:44:23 pm
Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Don, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Don was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Don laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Don tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Don admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Don thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Don and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Don was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Don tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Don walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Don laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'




New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

**********************************************************************

          Fable  of  the


          Porcupine




          It  was the coldest winter ever.  Many animals  died because of the  cold.


             The  porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they  covered and
          protected themselves; but  the quills of each one wounded their closest  companions.


             After  awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and  frozen. So they had to make a choice: either  accept the quills of their
          companions  or disappear from the  Earth.


             Wisely,  they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by  the close
          relationship with their  companions in order to receive the heat that  came from the others. This way they were able to  survive.


          The  best relationship is not the one that brings  together perfect people, but when each  individual learns to live with the imperfections  of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.


             The  moral of the story  is:



            Just  learn to live with the pricks in your  life!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on March 15, 2012, 06:33:44 pm
The reliable Beretta Jetfire .22 Short pistol is a personal favorite of mine and I am never without it. It saved my life a few years ago when attacked by a Grizzly while hiking in the mountains with a family member. I was able to escape, walking at a brisk pace, after I shot my brother-in-law in the knee.
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 18, 2012, 02:38:11 am
One shot kill?   :shocked
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on March 18, 2012, 03:39:59 pm
 :hmm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 30, 2012, 02:24:00 pm
        If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

        Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

        I have just spent $100 on a penis enlarger.




        Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.



        Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight."

*******************************************************************

Golf Ethics Question:

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and
the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit
your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway,
leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the
right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for
his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your
opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it
in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from
the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent
exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!"

The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball
and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green,
stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball
out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth
shut?

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 30, 2012, 02:39:38 pm
The Little Red Hen -  2012 Version
"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself." She planted her crop and the wheat grew and ripened.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.
"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Harry Reid)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 30, 2012, 03:00:27 pm
 :thumbup1
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on April 01, 2012, 10:17:17 am
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

I would hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on April 01, 2012, 11:09:15 pm
So, you just made a public service announcement, then?   :scrutiny    :panic
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: mwcoleburn on April 01, 2012, 11:18:39 pm
stolen, now posted to facebook  :thumbup1
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on April 03, 2012, 10:24:45 pm
How To Disinherit A Daughter

My daughter walked into the living room and said “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately,
forget the College tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window;
take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again.
And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it.”
Well, she didn’t put it quite like that.. she actually said…
“Dad, meet my new boyfriend – Mohammed. We’re going to work together on President Obama’s reelection campaign.”
 :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on May 03, 2012, 10:07:57 am
The importance of having an occupation after retirement
As we get
                  older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a
                  difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes
                  are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors"
                  who have found the courage to take on challenges that would
                  make many of us wither.

 
Harold
                  Schlumberg is such a person:


 
 
THIS IS
      QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

 
           
      "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're
      retired?'
Well...I'm
      fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things
      I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into
      urine.
It's
      rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I
      really enjoy it."
Harold
      should be an inspiration to us all.
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on May 03, 2012, 11:56:49 am
Are you trying to be fecetious?    :scrutiny     :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on May 03, 2012, 12:00:30 pm
WARNING - legal humor - proceed with scepticism

croquet : ( n )  A game played with mallets aforethought.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on May 03, 2012, 12:12:58 pm
A cop and a fireman were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their haircuts and shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The fireman shouted,
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The cop turned to his barber and said,
"I'll take some. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

•••••••
After the drill instructor finished chewing out the recruit for trying to cut ahead in the chow hall line, he said, "There's one more reason you'll have to piss on my grave when I die, right recruit?"

"Sir, no sir! There's no way I'm standing in a line that long."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on May 03, 2012, 12:22:33 pm
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fluff with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on May 03, 2012, 12:36:30 pm
Mick had lost everything, family, job, you name it. He now stood on the top of the tallest building in Boston, ready to jump. Mick's kindly old priest had been summoned to talk him down but nothing swayed him. Finally even the priest had run out of cheer and reasons for Mick not to take the dive. In one last effort Father Mulcahey said, "Well me son at least Boston's made it to the Series. There's something to look for'd to."

Mick sighed and said, "Ah well Father, I've never confessed this to you but I've always been a Yankees fan..."

"JUMP! JUMP ya' lil' bastard and may tha' Devil have ya!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on May 03, 2012, 02:24:47 pm
 :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on May 04, 2012, 04:37:01 pm
I can make fun of these folks 'cause I is one. - sarge712

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here.It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.Your other two friends were in the back.They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time.Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on May 04, 2012, 11:24:51 pm
I can make fun of these folks 'cause I is one. - sarge712

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here.It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.Your other two friends were in the back.They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time.Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom
Dangit, I used to live there! Nice place.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 05, 2012, 10:11:12 pm
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the
sidewalk  in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of
tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing

FREE KITTENS



Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do
you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car,
he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and
in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from
ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up,  then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered,  ... but ... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 05, 2012, 10:52:07 pm
ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!

 


 

His request approved, the CNN News photographer

quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport

to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane

would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane

warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,

and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane

into the wind and took off.



Once in the air, the photographer instructed

the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make

low passes so I can take pictures

of the fires on the hillsides.'


'Why?' asked the pilot.


'Because I'm a photographer for CNN',

he responded, 'and I need to get

some close up shots.'


The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,

finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,

is . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

 

 


 

 
"Life is short.
Drink the good wine first."

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 10, 2012, 07:26:42 pm
The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora......." "The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on May 11, 2012, 03:36:38 am
 :rotfl  economics 101
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 14, 2012, 12:15:21 am
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman, are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?

" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on May 17, 2012, 09:53:33 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PrivateJoker on May 18, 2012, 06:30:48 pm
Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
 

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
 
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
 
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
 
4. No one knows your secret place.
 
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
 
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
 
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the liberal you're holding underwater.


 There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.
Title: 2059 Headlines
Post by: aikorob on May 19, 2012, 05:30:58 am
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony,
They Had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with
Only 3 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on May 23, 2012, 07:28:47 am
ECONOMICS EXPLAINED

 

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

 

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

 

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

 

VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States  leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

 

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

 

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the journalist who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive

 

A BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

With the milk, you make good beer.

You use the surplus for making chocolate.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on May 23, 2012, 08:50:00 am
 :facepalm :facepalm :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 01, 2012, 08:18:22 pm
It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ..........

 

 

My dog is a DEMOCRAT
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 01, 2012, 08:29:53 pm
A balding, white haired man from Naples, Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,


'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See......Not All Seniors Are Senile
 
 
 

 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 01, 2012, 09:15:41 pm
Subject: Catholic Hair Dryer



In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin.

However, they are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently, without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:



How To Get a New Hairdryer Through Customs



An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,

"Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.  It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."



When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."



Roaring with laughter, the official said,"Go ahead, Father.  Next please!"


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 01, 2012, 11:15:46 pm
Aww....dis is an old one...

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on June 02, 2012, 04:23:03 am
OLd - but good.   :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on June 02, 2012, 04:28:43 pm
1) I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
 
2) The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Jenna.
 
3) Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50.   It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
 
4) The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
 
5) A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
 
6) I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
 
7) My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on June 03, 2012, 04:22:25 am
Rimshot.    :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on June 04, 2012, 02:04:51 pm
Dear Friends:

There are less than 7 months until election day when the people will
decide who will be the next President of the United States. 
 
The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats
or the Republicans.
 
It is time that we all need to come together, Democrats and Republicans alike,
in a bi-partisan effort for America:

If you support Mitt Romney, please drive with your headlights ON during the day.

If you support Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights OFF at night.

Together, we can make it happen.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on June 04, 2012, 03:56:39 pm
huh.   and here I was wondering why our calls to accidents were going up at night. . . .  :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 04, 2012, 08:50:11 pm
The Presidential election 2012 was too close to call. Neither Mitt Romney

nor Obama had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting,

court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the

sportsmanlike way to settle things.


The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the

election.


It was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two

candidates to determine the winner.


After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would

take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin .


There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out

separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for

counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.


At the end of the first day, Mitt Romney returned to the starting

line and he had 10 fish.


Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having

a bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

 

At the end of the 2nd day Mitt came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.


That evening, the democrats got together secretly and said, "I think the

Mitt Romney is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. Tomorrow don't

bother fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'


The next night (after Mitt returns with 50 fish), the


democrats got together for the report of how the republicans were cheating.


Obama said, "You are not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice."

 

******************************************************************


A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through  the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
 
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
 
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
 
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
 
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
 
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
 
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
 
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
 
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.   
 
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world   complete with servants,' she said.
 
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'   
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
 
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
 
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
 
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.    Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
 
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.      I'd  do the same for you!'
 
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.   
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
 
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.   
 
'No Kidding,' he said.   
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 06, 2012, 12:59:44 am
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know" the child said as he burst into tears "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're gonna tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 07, 2012, 03:00:37 pm
There was an incident at Wal-mart yesterday. After the rather fetching cashier totaled up my stuff, she said, "Strip down, facing me." Now, how the hell was I supposed to know she meant my credit card?


********************************************************************



Have you ever felt like strangling one of those 'loud mouthed' cell phone users who seem to sit near you in a restaurant or any other place and forcibly share their private call with you.  Here's one solution,provided by a commuter on how to combat this display of bad manners.  After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
 
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the  young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on June 09, 2012, 03:05:43 am
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on June 09, 2012, 06:12:59 pm
 :rotfl
http://www.rtbot.net/play.php?id=Xv1tMioGgXI (http://www.rtbot.net/play.php?id=Xv1tMioGgXI)
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on June 13, 2012, 11:42:44 am
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

 

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

 

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

 

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

 

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on June 13, 2012, 12:06:32 pm
In the same vein :

Little Johnny and Grandpa were fishing, when Little Johnny spilled the can of worms.

Grandpa eyed the can (which had a removable lid, with holes in it), and told Little Johnny "I'll give you $10 if you can get the worms in the can again, without removing the lid."

Little Johnny eyed the lid, and the worms, then ran into the woodshop, and came out with a can of shellac. He lightly brushed the worms with shellac until they were stiff enough to go through the holes in the lid.  Grandpa nodded approvingly.

The next day, Grandpa gave Little Johnny a $20 bill.

"But Grandpa, you only promised me $10."

"I know, the other $10's from Grandma."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 13, 2012, 11:18:26 pm
A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. The music, Radio One, was playing.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious
teaching from the Koran, he must not listento music because in the time of the
prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door.

The Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off
and wait for a camel !!"
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 13, 2012, 11:41:14 pm
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on June 14, 2012, 12:47:34 pm
 :shocked    :facepalm    :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on June 14, 2012, 10:23:26 pm
 :shocked
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on June 16, 2012, 10:13:23 am
A 'heads up'  for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last  month I became a victim of a clever scam while
shopping. Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously  good-looking 20-21 year-old girls
come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start
wiping your windshield with  a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossiblenot not to look.

When you thank them  and offer them a tip, they say 'No'
and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat.
On the  way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one
of  them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over  you,
while the other one steals your wallet.
 
I had my  wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on
the 15th, 17th,  20th, 24th & 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the
8th,  11th, 12th, three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very
likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very
careful.
 
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99  each.
Title: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on June 16, 2012, 05:52:21 pm
I'll keep an eye out...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on June 18, 2012, 09:03:29 pm
 :scrutiny :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: FMJ on June 24, 2012, 07:57:20 pm
I LOL'd.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Colin on June 24, 2012, 08:02:08 pm
:cla
A 'heads up'  for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last  month I became a victim of a clever scam while
shopping. Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously  good-looking 20-21 year-old girls
come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start
wiping your windshield with  a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossiblenot not to look.

When you thank them  and offer them a tip, they say 'No'
and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat.
On the  way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one
of  them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over  you,
while the other one steals your wallet.
 
I had my  wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on
the 15th, 17th,  20th, 24th & 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the
8th,  11th, 12th, three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very
likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very
careful.
 
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99  each.

Wait...thats a scam?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on June 28, 2012, 09:47:35 pm
 
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became
confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what
hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you
must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be  on the
13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and  said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales
also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar
stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on June 30, 2012, 11:22:01 pm
 :facepalm Still gonna tell it at work.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on July 02, 2012, 10:06:51 pm
Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But, since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on July 02, 2012, 11:51:26 pm
Works for me.   :cool
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on July 03, 2012, 07:55:38 am
 :thumbup1
I'm not gonna argue with that one.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Arkansan on July 06, 2012, 08:33:59 am
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later
There is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel,
Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the
Blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried
To grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled
The old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark.
She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel,
So I can slap the s___ out of Obama again!!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Arkansan on July 06, 2012, 08:46:39 am
A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special 'as is'.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special 'as is'. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!' which begins to draw an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says, 'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on July 07, 2012, 01:10:48 am
 :facepalm
Still gonna tell my dad about it.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Grant on July 16, 2012, 02:05:06 pm
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those a______s deducted $95.00 in taxes."

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on July 16, 2012, 10:43:18 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on July 17, 2012, 10:51:48 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on July 18, 2012, 04:34:53 pm
Recedntly recieved e-mail from my 87 yr old mother.  ;)


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
>
> Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T..
>
>
>
> I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
> hand over, shortly after you pulled
> the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for
> my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come
> across this rather important message.
>
> First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to
> actually crap in your pants when
> I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold,
> and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I
> just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan ..
> She had just bought m e that Kimber
> Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a
> shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a
> very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
>
> I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with
> crap in your pants. I'm sure it
> was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell
> phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to
> your buddies to come help mug us again].
>
> After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I
> explained the entire episode of
> what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of
> four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with
> the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!>
> I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with
> all the cash in your wallet. [That
> made his day!]
>
> I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at
> the curb ..... after I broke the
> windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
>
> Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office
> and one to the FBI, while mentioning
> President Obama as my possible target.
>
> The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while
> he traced your number etc.).
>
> ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel
> this type of retribution
> is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you
> well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing
> issues , and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and
> perhaps reconsider, the career path
> you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so
> lucky. Have a good day!
>
> Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
>
> Alex
 

Mom has a wierd sense of humor.  :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on July 18, 2012, 04:58:49 pm
I love that one.



Kaso
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: cpaspr on July 18, 2012, 05:03:22 pm
Mom has a wierd sense of humor.  :coffee

Not so weird to me.  Personally, I probably wouldn't have keyed the car and broken the windows.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on July 18, 2012, 06:50:55 pm
The funny thing is that this is all true.

Sucks to be THAT bad guy!

LOL!

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on July 19, 2012, 01:34:55 pm
Can you cite a source on that?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on July 19, 2012, 04:29:43 pm
It's an old hoax based on this...

Rednecks get their just desserts in BMW chase! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS11ATrNA3A#)


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on July 21, 2012, 06:43:30 pm
LOL!
It's all the same twist on the same old theme.
Bad guy gets pawned by good guy.
That's all.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on July 31, 2012, 12:26:55 pm
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.' The room erupted in applause.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on August 01, 2012, 10:50:31 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on August 02, 2012, 09:00:23 am
That reminds me of something that happened to me.

Shortly after I got my first job, I came down with shingles (on the right side of the back of my neck, and down my back a little). Very unpleasant. I went to the doctor, and got a prescription for something to alleviate the pain and dry out the hives associated with it - a product that basically equated to a cold compress.  Anyway, as I was waiting, there was a hot young thing wandering around the pharmacy that I kept a careful eye on.

When my order came up and I paid for it, the pharmacist behind the counter handed it to me, and loudly said "Good luck with that rash, son!"

I very dryly replied "Thanks", in a tone that left the "a______" implied but unsaid. *chuckle*
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on August 02, 2012, 10:56:39 am
That reminds me of something that happened to me.

Shortly after I got my first job, I came down with shingles (on the right side of the back of my neck, and down my back a little). Very unpleasant. I went to the doctor, and got a prescription for something to alleviate the pain and dry out the hives associated with it - a product that basically equated to a cold compress.  Anyway, as I was waiting, there was a hot young thing wandering around the pharmacy that I kept a careful eye on.

When my order came up and I paid for it, the pharmacist behind the counter handed it to me, and loudly said "Good luck with that rash, son!"

I very dryly replied "Thanks", in a tone that left the "a______" implied but unsaid. *chuckle*

Lucky me, never got shingles until a couple months ago. I can just imagine how picking up the prescription for Valtrex (primarily marketed for treating herpes but also good for shingles and chicken pox) would have impressed the ladies when I was younger and single.
Title: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on August 02, 2012, 01:14:45 pm
Lucky me, never got shingles until a couple months ago. I can just imagine how picking up the prescription for Valtrex (primarily marketed for treating herpes but also good for shingles and chicken pox) would have impressed the ladies when I was younger and single.

Mine was something that started with a 'd', and was a tablet that you dissolved in water then soaked a compress to apply 'to the affected site'.

It didn't help that my sister kept telling me it looked like something out of the X-Files... :panic
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 02, 2012, 11:26:49 pm
Mine was something that started with a 'd', and was a tablet that you dissolved in water then soaked a compress to apply 'to the affected site'.

It didn't help that my sister kept telling me it looked like something out of the X-Files... :panic
Sounds like Domeboro.

All this reminds me when I was a kid there was a woman like the one in the above joke that worked behind the counter of our local pharmacy of which one of the neighbors was the pharmacist. None of us guys could go there to ask for condoms, because since they weren't out in the open like now, you had to ask for them. And she was one of those hulking linebacker types that always yelled, HEY STAN, WHERE'S THE TROJANS!?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on August 11, 2012, 12:36:29 pm
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
 
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,


'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back

Title: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: super_b AK on August 11, 2012, 04:52:51 pm
I can't believe how long it took me to get that. I must need to catch up on some sleep.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on August 12, 2012, 12:30:54 am
local retired man, enjoys golfing daily now,  invited to play at a prestigious club.   his habitual attire are cargo shorts and a t-shirt.   The club has a dress code.

Manager greets him at the club house,  welcome, but sir, I'm sorry, you must wear a collared shirt.

golfer grabs his shirt, pulls it out a bit and replies.  "It's Blue".



Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on August 14, 2012, 10:39:20 pm
I have a golfing one, but I'll Spoiler it since it is *not* family friendly.

Ye've been warned.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on August 14, 2012, 10:47:57 pm
 :rotfl

I heard a version of that joke before, only it was two guys out hunting.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Doug Wojtowicz on August 16, 2012, 04:50:41 pm
Top 10 Al Quaeda Restaurant or Retail Ideas:

10. DEAD, DEATH AND BEYOND
9. HATE AND BARREL
8. BOOMINGDALE'S
7. DEMON MARCUS
6. AFGHANISTAN GIRL
5. VICTORIA'S BURKAS
4. INSURGENT OUTFITTERS
3. FRUIT OF THE BOOM
2. TGI FATWAS
1. ALLAH GARDEN
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 16, 2012, 09:43:48 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on August 16, 2012, 10:26:24 pm
 :scrutiny
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on August 16, 2012, 10:38:00 pm
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
 
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,


'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back



Thats even funnier if you have spent any time in Glasgow- trust me ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: DocSouth on August 23, 2012, 09:35:37 am
 :facepalm
Still don't get it...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on August 23, 2012, 02:32:05 pm
... be awfully hard for him to bring a book back after he commits suicide.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on August 24, 2012, 12:11:17 am
... be awfully hard for him to bring a book back after he commits suicide.

 :facepalm
Thank you Mr. Obvious-man!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 01, 2012, 09:52:15 pm
            Three Women & The Mexican Electric Chair


            Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
            They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
            executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the
            night before.

            The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if
            she has any last words She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible
            College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf
            of the innocent."

            They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the
            floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

            The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just
            graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of
            justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

            They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately
            fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

            The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm
            from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in
            Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna
            electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

************************************************************************

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

 
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on September 07, 2012, 02:55:25 pm
I went out for lunch on Sunday, it was very nice and we had a few drinks. 

As I have noticed an DUI Unit trawling for victims on my route home, so I did the right thing and took a bus home.

Sure as fate the boys in blue were at their regular spot, but the bus was waved through.

I was glad to get home without incident because it was a big bus and I haven't driven one before.

But for the life of me I can't recall where I got the bus from.


The new Hadron Collider has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.



Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on September 07, 2012, 03:05:54 pm
Man, I like that last one!  :thumbup2



Kaso
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Pez on September 07, 2012, 04:02:23 pm
What is the difference between a member of the KKK and a member of Al queda?

One is a gun toting religious extremist, who commits acts of terror against unarmed civilians for political gain while the other is a woman-beating, communist-hating hillbilly who wears a funny hat.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on September 07, 2012, 11:50:06 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on September 16, 2012, 02:19:17 am
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 'I can!''Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on September 16, 2012, 02:20:10 am
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on September 16, 2012, 02:32:56 pm
Hot looking red neck trailer park wife is asked by a younger hot looking red neck trailer park wife why she always allows her hubby to go off to the strip clubs and hooters and comes home drunk.

"Simple." She says. "When he's done at the strip clubs and hooters he comes home drunk so we don't have to have sex and I have a peaceful night sleep and plenty of time to get the house work done after he goes to work at the factory."

Puzzled, the younger hot looking red neck wife asks another question.
"So you two don't have sex? That's seems cruel."

"Oh we have sex all the time, hun." She replies.

"When?" The younger woman asks.

"When he follows me to work at the strip clubs and the hooters, silly! I get paid extra for putting on a live show."

The younger woman nods in understanding.


Title: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on September 16, 2012, 08:02:24 pm
:facepalm
Thank you Mr. Obvious-man!

Talk to DocSouth... It was pretty clear to me, too... :shrug
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chrissmitty820 on September 23, 2012, 10:28:29 pm
A lady comes into the doctor's office, suffering from a bee sting. The doctor comes in, and says "So I understand you were out golfing when you got stung. Where did the bee sting you?"

The lady replies "Between the first and second hole."

The doctor says, "Sounds like your stance is too wide."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chrissmitty820 on September 26, 2012, 11:25:36 pm
The Bible, a Silver dollar, a Bottle of Whiskey and a Playboy Magazine

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna be a pilot."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on September 27, 2012, 12:52:21 am
The Bible, a Silver dollar, a Bottle of Whiskey and a Playboy Magazine

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna be a pilot."

:rotfl

I am a pilot, and I wouldn't have touched the Bible...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Evil Jim on September 27, 2012, 02:30:26 am
When I first heard it, it was politician.


Jim

Sent from my Astromech personal interface
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: DocSouth on September 27, 2012, 07:47:07 pm
Talk to DocSouth... It was pretty clear to me, too... :shrug


Yeah there should probably be a rule against posting if you've been up for more than 24 straight.

If we could all disregard my inability to perform basic reasoning, that would be swell.  :whistle
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on October 07, 2012, 09:51:21 pm
My girlfriend left a note on the refrigerator saying

"It's not working anymore, I give up and I am moving
back in with my mother".

I opened the door, the light came on and the beer was
still cold. I wonder what the heck she was talking about?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on October 07, 2012, 09:55:41 pm
I think he has a valid question
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: super_b AK on October 14, 2012, 01:23:35 am
What do you tell a guy with an IQ of ten?

Wow, that's a really nice weld
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Langenator on October 14, 2012, 01:07:58 pm
Yeah, but that guy can make  $60 an hour up in the Bakken shale field...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 03, 2012, 07:56:54 pm
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The
Store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The
Paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had
Emergency open heart bypass surgery...

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at
The Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a
Clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he
Was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked
The irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 03, 2012, 08:27:02 pm
 When I was young, my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an
important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors... The rest ended up in Congress.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on December 07, 2012, 11:28:02 am
 :facepalm   :thumbup1
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on December 08, 2012, 12:28:30 pm
Adults only NUDE SANTA

Scroll down to see the nude Santa

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*
*
*
*
For crying out loud.  Act your age.  There is no Santa !
 
Sometimes I just can't believe you people !!!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on December 16, 2012, 03:50:17 pm
Stolen Borrowed from:  http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/archives/009740.html (http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/archives/009740.html)


It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to
go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen
to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his blonde
wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you doing?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, knowing what his wife was like had many reservations about this, but reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of
San Marcos, Texas. Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice
wouldn't be able to figure out how to fire a rifle, much less
shoot a deer.

Not 10 minutes passes when he is startled as he hears an array of
gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer
to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell away from
my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming
wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!"
followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised
to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You
can have your damn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on December 16, 2012, 04:08:06 pm
 :facepalm

That issss ssooooo bbaaaaddd.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Khorne on December 16, 2012, 04:28:28 pm
This guy goes to Warsaw to see a soccer game, but he must have bought a cheap seat because he was behind a pole the whole time.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on December 16, 2012, 08:12:33 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on December 18, 2012, 04:36:16 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on December 18, 2012, 09:48:38 pm
manual chainsaw?   :scrutiny   !     :facepalm    .  .  .    :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: super_b AK on December 20, 2012, 12:37:24 pm
I'd buy the dredle  :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on December 20, 2012, 12:59:35 pm
The president who allowed hundreds of AKs and ARs to be put into the hands of Mexican drug smugglers, is now trying to say that law-abiding US Citizens should be denied them.

 :scrutiny


 :rotfl    :rotfl     :rotfl     :rotfl     :rotfl



Kaso
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on December 20, 2012, 03:29:53 pm
I'd buy the dredle  :neener

8oz. of solid, pointed brass? Hell yeah...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chrissmitty820 on December 20, 2012, 11:19:54 pm
Upon further reflection, I should have seen this coming. A few years back, I asked for a Cowboys hat for Christmas. Meant NFL. Got a Stetson. Apostrophes, people. Use them wisely.

Mom's email- So, what would like for Christmas this year?

My reply- Well, I've been wanting to build an AR-15, and could use some stuff. How about 30 rnd magazines, if you can find them?

Mom- I'll see what I can find, but are you sure you want 30?

Me- Yep, I'd prefer 30 rnd magazines over 10 rnd magazines.

Mom- Ok, but it just seems like quite a lot. Love you.

.....

Mom- It was tough to get some of the older issues, but I got 30! Hope the R n' D magazines help! Merry Christmas!!

So, does anyone need some extra copies of Popular Science and Popular Mechanics? I have plenty.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on December 21, 2012, 12:09:37 am
 :clap

Be specific it limits confusion and misinterpretation.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Langenator on December 21, 2012, 01:31:43 pm
Wish I could find the pic...it's on the importance of the so-called "Oxford comma"

First sentence: "We invited the strippers, JFK, and Stalin."

Second sentence" We invited the strippers, JFK and Stalin."

Now imagine Jack Kennedy and Joe Stalin in g-strings and nipple tassels.  :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on December 21, 2012, 02:17:10 pm
Wish I could find the pic...it's on the importance of the so-called "Oxford comma"

First sentence: "We invited the strippers, JFK, and Stalin."

Second sentence" We invited the strippers, JFK and Stalin."

Now imagine Jack Kennedy and Joe Stalin in g-strings and nipple tassels.  :neener

OMG, there's a picture I can't get rid of.... :panic
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on December 21, 2012, 04:53:38 pm
What has been seen cannot be unseen unless you use brain bleach.
Pass the Vodka please.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on December 21, 2012, 05:09:45 pm
Google is your friend........or not. Eyebleach may be needed
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Thernlund on December 21, 2012, 05:40:15 pm
^^  :rotfl


-T.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on December 21, 2012, 07:25:24 pm
 :vomit
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on December 21, 2012, 10:27:00 pm
Google is your friend........or not. Eyebleach may be needed
Ok, we need to have a LOOOOONNGG talk mister!

Hand me that eyebleach....I mean Vodka.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 23, 2012, 10:04:16 pm
Smart Holiday Move

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends and family about drinking and driving.
 

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends (none of you, obviously) and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 23, 2012, 10:10:57 pm
The keys please, a woman's perspective

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
 
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,
confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always
call him "honey" in times like these.)

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been
dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!
 
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get
me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

Yep it's the golden years................

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on December 24, 2012, 11:56:49 am
 :facepalm .  .  .   :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on December 29, 2012, 12:32:49 am
  THIS IS WHY WE LOVE LOGICAL OLD PEOPLE   A farmer stopped by the local mechanics' shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.   On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.   While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'   The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'   The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'   'Why, thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.   On the way, he said 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'   The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'   The farmer said, 'Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'   The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.   
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on December 29, 2012, 01:05:49 am
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on December 31, 2012, 01:35:10 pm
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

The second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN...Couldn't walk for a year

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on December 31, 2012, 09:46:54 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on January 01, 2013, 09:42:32 am
A gentleman in his eighties walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel.
He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is a fine-looking lady in her seventies.
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,     
"So tell me, good looking . . . Do I come here often?" 


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on January 01, 2013, 10:19:48 am
A seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he's having. The seal says, "anything but Canadian Club."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on January 01, 2013, 01:34:05 pm
 :shocked     :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on January 01, 2013, 02:01:09 pm
I see what you did there.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on January 12, 2013, 11:53:53 pm
As you know, Hillary Clinton had a concussion and a blood clot in her skull.

As they were walking out of the hospital, a reporter asked Bill  "how's Hillary's head?"

He replied, "well, she's no Monical."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on January 12, 2013, 11:54:28 pm
As you know, Hillary Clinton had a concussion and a blood clot in her skull.

As they were walking out of the hospital, a reporter asked Bill  "how's Hillary's head?"

He replied, "well, she's no Monical."


Sorry, SHB Monica.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on January 17, 2013, 06:26:43 pm
Yesterday I saw 2 guys beating up a guy with an "Obama" sticker on his car. I notifed the authorities but they did nothing. I guess I just wasted a perfectly good stamp.  :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Coronach on January 23, 2013, 08:33:11 am
Ha!

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using Tapatalk 2

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on January 23, 2013, 12:02:31 pm
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English.”

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c.” Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k.” This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f.” This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v.”

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis & evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 24, 2013, 04:39:26 pm
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are so wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But, he needed to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Panhead Bill on January 24, 2013, 05:58:05 pm
 :vomit
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on January 27, 2013, 04:32:19 pm
The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2012

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR



A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
 
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
 
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on January 27, 2013, 08:51:16 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Coronach on February 04, 2013, 04:38:30 pm
The Distinction Between "Guts" and "Balls."

Many of us are sticklers for proper terminology, so it behooves us to have a firm grasp of the differences between having guts and having balls.

Having Guts:

You arrive home late, after a night out with the boys, and you met by your irate wife on the front porch, holding a broom. You have the guts to say, "Hey, honey. Are you still cleaning, or are you about to go fly somewhere?"

Having Balls:

You arrive home late, after a night out with the boys, reeking of beer and perfume, and you have lipstick all over your face, collar, and, quite probably, several other areas. You have the balls to go up to your wife, slap her on the bottom, and say, "wake up, chubby. You're next."

Please be advised that, medically, this is a distinction without a difference. Both of these will result in death.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Coronach on February 04, 2013, 04:42:26 pm
True Story:

A friend of my mine in HS had his parents get a divorce. Apparently one of the straws that broke the camel's back was him coming home verrrry late, his wife grousing at him, and him going into the bathroom and emerging with a bottle of Advil, which he tossed to his irate spouse.

"What are these for?" she demanded.

"The headache."

:panic

Mike ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on February 04, 2013, 07:23:18 pm
(http://i332.photobucket.com/albums/m347/fnfnc64/BCI6RTWCQAE0QvV_zps0fc0c5a1.jpg)
(http://i332.photobucket.com/albums/m347/fnfnc64/BCJc0WZCUAAFFH4_zpsde59ab9d.jpg)
(http://i332.photobucket.com/albums/m347/fnfnc64/BCIOKAwCMAAOp1h_zpsef2e83b9.jpg)
(http://i332.photobucket.com/albums/m347/fnfnc64/BCIjreDCQAArdyO_zps10a52bd1.jpg)

And my very favorite:

(http://i332.photobucket.com/albums/m347/fnfnc64/bin-ladengotshottonite_zpsa29f0d04.png)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on February 05, 2013, 05:38:30 pm
HEY!   you wuzzent apposed to photoshop dat!     :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on February 05, 2013, 08:04:45 pm
HEY!   you wuzzent apposed to photoshop dat!     :rotfl
Tell an American he or she inst supposed to exercise their freedom of speech or freedom of the press and guess what happens? If you are the president, have a rabidly anti-gun voting record, are currently trying to pass a host of unconstitutional anti gun legislation, have just rammed through a bunch of anti gun presidential mandates, and are dumb enough to pose for a photo shoot like this trying to pass yourself off as something you are not, and you don't expect creative free thinking individuals to take the ball and run with it, guess what? Now me- I couldn't photo shop my way out of a cardboard box with a chainsaw (there are chainsaws in photo shop, right?) fortunately there are plenty of creative computer literate individuals out there quite capable of having fun at his majesties expense regardless of the latest oval office decree.....This makes me very happy and gives me hope (yes- I got hope)! ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on February 11, 2013, 12:02:36 pm
 I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"  Without skipping a beat he said, "It's President's Day!"  He is a smart kid.  So I asked him "What does President's Day mean?"  I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.  He replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull s___.”
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on February 12, 2013, 04:38:17 pm
 :rotfl

That's hilarious.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on February 12, 2013, 05:58:27 pm

(http://i.imgur.com/yWj2guz.gif)
(http://i.imgur.com/yN1j0XK.gif)
(http://i.imgur.com/FyFg2vv.gif?1)
(http://i.imgur.com/vYhspVC.gif)
(http://i.imgur.com/l7SKTBY.gif)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on February 12, 2013, 06:22:50 pm
 :rotfl :thumbup1
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on February 13, 2013, 06:19:53 pm
Question : What goes good with coconut vodka?
Answer : A young girl with low self esteem and questionable morals.   ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on February 13, 2013, 07:12:10 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on February 13, 2013, 09:31:32 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on February 13, 2013, 10:59:53 pm
Question : What goes good with coconut vodka?
Answer : A young girl with low self esteem and questionable morals.   ;)
Never had coconut vodka, but if it's anything like coconut-flavored rum...  :vomit 



Kaso
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on February 13, 2013, 11:15:37 pm
Never had coconut vodka, but if it's anything like coconut-flavored rum...  :vomit 

Tastes much better mixed in a blender with coffee ice cream (for what Pensacola residents will recognize as a "Bushwhacker") than it does straight...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on February 15, 2013, 11:50:22 pm
So the chicken and the egg are in bed smoking a cig after having sex. The chicken leans over and says “I guess we answered that”

 :whistle
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on February 15, 2013, 11:54:11 pm
Sports joke:

Why can't the Cubs get on the Internet?


They don't know how to put three W's in a row.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mamba1-0 on February 16, 2013, 12:19:23 am
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said,

“Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America”

“Great Nancy , but how?” asked Harry.

“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class

Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador

retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and

show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard

working people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in

Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and

stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid

and Nancy Pelosi?”

“Yes we are!” said Nancy , “And what a lovely town you have here. We

were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some

local color.”

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started

chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the

Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his

shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old

rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked

underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s

tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and

look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around

town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two a$$holes!”
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Gunnguy on February 16, 2013, 03:05:57 pm

Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on February 16, 2013, 03:14:33 pm
 :bash :bash :bash
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on February 16, 2013, 11:58:23 pm
** All I Need to Know in Life I learned from my Horse **

1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk.
    And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then
    sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big,
     brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to
     take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have
     something good to eat.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on February 17, 2013, 03:59:30 pm
HEY!   you wuzzent apposed to photoshop dat!     :rotfl

(http://i332.photobucket.com/albums/m347/fnfnc64/photoshopped_zps50efdd0c.jpg)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 22, 2013, 03:16:21 pm
TOOLS EXPLAINED


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands
so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
 
 


PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
 


BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 


HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
 

 
 
VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 

 
 
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut
on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a .50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.
 


HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to
hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
 

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
 
Son of a b*tch TOOL:
 

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: JesseL on February 22, 2013, 03:23:17 pm
Wow, I recognized that as being based on a Peter Egan column in Road & Track but I didn't realize until I looked it up it was published 17 years ago. Makes me feel a little old.

Here's the complete original BTW: http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Workshop/Definitions.htm (http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Workshop/Definitions.htm)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on February 22, 2013, 03:49:24 pm
There are only two of those I have no experience with: hydraulic floor jack, and hose cutter (only time I've ever had to cut a hose, I used a knife).

The descriptions are - for the most part - accurate. Circumstances of use may be responsible for the discrepancies.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 22, 2013, 06:59:20 pm
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland , at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'


***********************************************************************


I was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit ."


So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, and left a note that read,"I hope this helps!"




Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on February 23, 2013, 03:24:15 am
 :rotfl :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on February 23, 2013, 05:06:50 am
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland , at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

Funny, but unlikely, at least on a C-130. First our "latrine holding tank" is a 5 gallon stainless steel bucket with a toilet seat on it. It is "pumped out" when the last (or only) person who used it pulls the trash bag out, ties it up, and walks off the plane with it. This rule ABSOLUTELY applies to passengers...yes, even females. I've never met a Herk pilot who is that much of a tool. And the Pilots don't even really do "preflight checks." We have Sweaties for that. ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on February 23, 2013, 07:45:03 am
To do List:

1) Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.

2) Hire 2 private investigators. Get them to follow each other.

3) Wear a shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on street corner.

4) Get into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."

5) Major in Philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.

6) Run into a store and ask what year it is. When some one answers, yell, "It worked!" and run out cheering.

7) Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula.

8.) Change name to Simon. Speak in 3rd person.

9) Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."

10) Follow joggers around in your car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on February 23, 2013, 07:45:49 am
A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. Shortly, she received back the following reply:

From: National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada


Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling; however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter. You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on February 23, 2013, 02:24:50 pm
 :clap
I've told similar to council members and citizens who complained that we "failed to do enough" or needed to "do something" to help a vagrant or drunk. "Hey, I'm on my way to your house with him since you sound so concerned. I'll be there in five..." and then I hang up on them although I was just kidding. The Chief told me "Stop and stop it now." Do gooders only want help handed out when it doesn't cost them anything
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on February 25, 2013, 08:16:41 pm
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on February 25, 2013, 11:19:35 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on February 26, 2013, 09:57:11 pm
:facepalm
:facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on February 27, 2013, 11:27:47 pm


 

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!
Title: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on February 27, 2013, 11:59:09 pm
Heh, last time it was Detroit...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on February 28, 2013, 12:33:46 am
Either one works great though.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Outbreak on March 01, 2013, 11:39:35 am
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced over and looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in the barter system, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded.....

"Well, just what kind of ammo have you got?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Coronach on March 01, 2013, 12:55:36 pm
Well, that'd be a win-win!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 01, 2013, 04:38:49 pm
 :thumbup1      :rotfl     ( the price gas is headed toward you might see all sorts of creative solutions to getting your tank filled, never mind the ammo )
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on March 03, 2013, 02:58:43 pm


A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa ?'

... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter ?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson !"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on March 03, 2013, 06:30:46 pm
Ooooohh... That's bad.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 03, 2013, 11:15:32 pm

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa ?'............................

Post 157, page 7

********************************************************************


Survivor - Texas Style"
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled:

"Survivor - Texas-Style!"
The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville.

They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will Go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas .

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 10 bumper stickers which will read:

1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "Boycott Beef"
4. " George Strait Sucks"
5. "Re-elect Obama In 2016"
6. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
7. "I Love Obamacare, Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer"
8. "It's Bush's Fault"
9. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion"

And the last sticker is ............
10. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas - ALIVE - wins.


 

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on March 04, 2013, 12:01:02 am
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas - ALIVE - wins.
Hah!  They'll probably be on season 8 or 9 before they have a true 'winner.'  Texas rocks!



Kaso
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Langenator on March 04, 2013, 08:13:21 am
They'd all just get to Austin and never leave...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 09, 2013, 10:59:54 pm
The Jewish Elbow…
 
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........


"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

_______________________________________________


Wise Italian Grandfather
 

An old Italian man in is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
 

_________________________________________________________________________


Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from , , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 09, 2013, 11:09:58 pm
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

***********************************************************

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply. 

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' 

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

***********************************************************

Paddy was in  New York  .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection.  The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow traffic to resume, once again.

The officer  had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

**************************************************************

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding inConnecticut   .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

**********************************************************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?' 

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

*******************************************************

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 

In the Morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: ZeroTA on March 10, 2013, 02:03:09 pm
Paddy's always good for a laugh.  :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on March 21, 2013, 07:36:19 am
Maybe a repeat?



A Kenyan, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar.................




The bartender says "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on March 21, 2013, 09:32:48 am
Had a pharmacy break in,   bad guys only took the ED drugs, Viagra, Cialis, that kind of thing.  based on their style and the specific type of drug they took, the cops are looking for hardened criminals.























Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on March 21, 2013, 03:18:26 pm
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on March 23, 2013, 08:04:51 am
Online dating dictionary:
ARTISTIC ... Drama Queen.
GIRLY .... Thick.
LIVES LIFE TO THE FULL .... Alcoholic.
I’M INTO WHIRLWIND ROMANCES ... My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don’t get married I’ll be deported.
CHALLENGING ... High-maintenance pain in the neck.
HOMELY .... Frump.
LOYAL ... Stalker.
Adventurous ... Slept with everyone.
Athletic ... small breasts..
Average looking ... Moooo.
Beautiful ... Pathological liar.
GREAT PERSONALITY . Ugly as sin
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Financially secure. ... Has a job.
Friendship first . Former Slut.
Free Spirit ... Junkie.
Old-fashioned ... No oral.
Open-minded ... Desperate.
Outgoing ... Loud and embarrassing.
Wants soul mate ... Stalker.
Independent Thinker . .. Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Huggable . . . Large.
Dynamic ... Pushy
Assertive . .. Pushy with a mean streak.
LIKES THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE ... Gold digger.
Excited About Life’s Journey . .... No concept of reality.
Unpredictable . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . .. Lacking basic social skills.
Thoughtful:....... Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Staminia.......On Viagara or cilis
Likes long walks.............lost drivers license
Likes candlelit dinners......electric is turned off
Overseas........Scammer
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
40-ish .......49
Young at Heart . . . . Over 50.
Youthful . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . ... Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Single.......Married and sleazing
Separated................What the wife doesn’t know won’t hurt him
Honest: ..........Pathological liar
Likes to cuddle: .....Insecure mama's boy
Educated .................. fluffed to death at college
Mature: ........Older than your father
Romantic .................. Frigid
Long Time Single......Penile challenged or Minute Man
Likes to travel...............Has no permanent addres
Log fires, beach walks.............will say whatever it takes to have sex
Separated............... married and wife doesn’t want sex
Friends first ........... impotent
Take things slowly.............impotent and wants to see your t*ts without pressure to perform
Adventurous.......wants sex in the car on the first date
Separated....... married and wife doesn’t want sex
Self- Employed..............unemployed and sells things on e-bay, insolvent
NEVER DONE THIS ...... Have done this a thousand times before, but I'm too embarrassed to admit it, so will pretend that you're my first.
LOOKS NOT IMPORTANT ...... Barrel-scraping beggar who can't afford to be a chooser.
UNIQUE  Sex change.............. Best not to hang around long enough to find out whether it's pre op or post op.
NOT INTO EMAIL TENNIS ............ I need to secure a date as soon as possible, before you suss out what a tedious dullard I am.
NOT JUST LOOKING FOR SEX.... I am just looking for sex but hope you won't see through my cunning reverse psychology.
Widow ..................... Murderer
Affectionate .... Horny.
Romantic ..... Horny.
Passionate ...... REALLY horny !!!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 24, 2013, 02:50:09 am
That makes me glad I quit dating before the internet.   :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on March 26, 2013, 06:59:35 pm
A guy walks into a crowded Bar pointing and waving a gun around.

"All right, you bastards, Who the hell has been sleeping with my wife?" he shouts out.

A voice from the back replies "I don't think you brought enough ammo!"

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on March 26, 2013, 07:59:43 pm
Ouchie.  :doh
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on March 27, 2013, 02:26:34 am
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on March 27, 2013, 08:42:13 pm
Got a call at the bar the other night. Guy told me if I didn't quit fooling around with his wife, he'd kill me. Stupid sob forgot to leave his name.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on April 01, 2013, 06:58:03 pm
Children's Sermon

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the
sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the
resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

The pastor called on him and the little boy said,

"Well, I know that if you have a resurrection for over 4 hours you're supposed to call a doctor."


***********************************************************

A friend told the blond: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & hubby are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde  replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------

A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde says, "Well, wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------

A blond spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------

A blond shouts frantically into the phone, "I'm pregnant and my contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this your first child?" asks the Doctor. "No, she shouts, it's me!"
------------------------------------

A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------

A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks. "Here boy!" she replies.
------------------------------------

A blonde is in jail. Guard looks in her cell and sees her
Hanging by her feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" the guard asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," she replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------

 
 
 
 


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PatCarver on April 01, 2013, 11:59:15 pm
The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with  a rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....




"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on April 02, 2013, 12:40:45 am
 :rotfl :thumbup1
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on April 02, 2013, 04:49:51 pm
Ole boy down Mississippi way goes fishing one day.  Having a good day, but he did not bring enough worms and quickly runs out.   Looking around, he spots a cottonmouth (water moccasin) with a frog in his mouth.  Thinks, well, that frog will make good bait and that snake can’t bite me with the frog in his mouth.  Quick as can be, he grabs the snake behind his head, removes the frog, then has a minor dilemma.  How to release the snake without it striking him.   Thinks it over, then remembers his flask of Jack Daniels, pours a little bit in the snakes mouth, the snakes eyes roll back and it goes to sleep.  Fisherman puts the snake back in the lake and continues fishing.

A little bit later he feels a nudge against his foot.  Fisherman looks down and there is that ole cottonmouth snake back,  with 2 frogs.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: PatCarver on April 04, 2013, 07:11:33 am
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub
and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender
hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each
of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away
and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between
his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard!
Spit it out!"

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on April 04, 2013, 01:22:18 pm
A little bit later he feels a nudge against his foot.  Fisherman looks down and there is that ole cottonmouth snake back,  with 2 frogs.

:rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on April 04, 2013, 05:23:22 pm
Beer Logic

 
DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:
 
Lady Interviewer:  Do you drink every day?
Man:  Yes.
Lady Interviewer:  How much a day?
Man:  Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer:  How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man:  Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer:  And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man:  15 years.

Lady Interviewer:  So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month.  In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man:  Correct.
Lady Interviewer:  If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man:  Correct.

Lady Interviewer:  Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man:  Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer:  No.

Man:  So where's your f***in' Ferrari?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on April 04, 2013, 05:28:03 pm
 :clap
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on April 04, 2013, 08:24:57 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on April 06, 2013, 12:04:08 am
So a pastor, a boy scout and Barack Obama are flying on an airplane. Somewhere over the Midwest, the engines start running really rough. The pilot comes in the back and declares that the plane is about to crash. "We've got three parachutes on board," the pilot announces. "As the pilot, I claim one of them. See ya." And with that, the pilot grabs a parachute and leaps from the plane.

The three passengers look at each other for a moment. Then Barack Obama stands up.
"I'm the President of the United States. Not only am I the most important man on earth, I'm also the smartest man in America. I have to live for the good of mankind so I'm taking this parachute." With that, Obama grabs a pack, puts it on, and leaps from the plane.

The pastor smiles sadly at the boy scout. "My son, I've lived a long life and it's been a life well spent in the service of others. Your life is just beginning. Please, take the last parachute and save yourself."

The boy scout smiles back and replies: "It's ok, pastor. we can both take parachutes. The smartest man in America just took my backpack."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on April 06, 2013, 10:52:24 pm
Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter Sunday lunch at his grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.

'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' demanded his father.

'I... don't have to,' the five year old replied.

'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'

'That's at our house,' Ernie explained, 'but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.'
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on April 06, 2013, 11:36:57 pm
 :facepalm     :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on April 07, 2013, 02:28:18 pm
Two drunks were walking down a New York City street when one fell
down the subway steps.

When he got back up to the top again, he said to his drinking partner, "Boy you should see the
train set in that guy's basement!"



Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on May 01, 2013, 02:35:40 pm
A Blonde Phone Call to Mom:

"Hi Mom, it's me."
"Hi Sally, are you okay? I thought you were with your father at the Ace
 Hardware store, looking for a drill."
 "Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and
 "Oh my god, what happened?"
 "Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."
 "What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"
 "Well, it really wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black and Decker.
 Mom, I knocked the crap out of her"!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 05, 2013, 05:19:53 pm
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on May 05, 2013, 08:41:31 pm
The older I get the less humorous that becomes.  .   .    .      :shocked.   But, its still funny today.   :cool
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on May 18, 2013, 11:55:19 pm
http://crispian-jago.blogspot.de/2013/04/the-conspiracy-theory-flowchart-they.html (http://crispian-jago.blogspot.de/2013/04/the-conspiracy-theory-flowchart-they.html)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on May 19, 2013, 01:52:54 pm
waiting........
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Raptor on May 26, 2013, 01:07:55 pm
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said.... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on May 27, 2013, 07:50:45 pm
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on June 07, 2013, 05:01:38 pm
 "This is WNSA radio. We're listening."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on June 07, 2013, 05:07:53 pm
"This is WNSA radio. We're listening."

 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: stephendutton on June 08, 2013, 11:15:52 am
Michelle Obama is being driven through a rural area to the airport where a flight awaits to take her on vacation.
"I'm going to be late. Drive faster." she orders her driver.
"But the limit here is 55." the man protests.
"I dont' care - Drive faster." Michelle orders again and the drive accelerates to 70mph.
Still worried that her vacation will be cut short by a few minutes Michelle yells at the driver again.
"Faster! I must get to that plane." and reluctantly the driver accelerates to almost 100mph.
All of a sudden a cow wanders into the road and he driver is unable to brake in time, hitting the unfortunate animal.
"You were driving - this is all your fault." Michelle yells, "Get out and check on the cow."
The driver gets out of the car and sees that the poor animal is obviously dead, a fact he relays to Michelle Obama.
"That's your fault. You were going too fast. You go and tell the farmer before he calls the police." Michelle orders and the driver wanders off towards the nearby farm house.
More than four hours later he staggers back, a wide smile on his face, gravy stains on his tie and the smell of drink on his breath.
"What took you so long?" Michelle demands.
"Well the farmer shared a bottle of 25 year old malt whisky with me, his wife made me a large meal and the farmer's twin 19 year old daughters both made love to me." the driver replies.
"Why would they do that?" Michelle asks.
"I don't know." the driver says, "All I said was 'Hi I'm Michelle Obama's driver and I've just killed the cow.'"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on June 22, 2013, 12:45:45 pm
Students in an advanced  Biology class were taking their mid-term
exam.  The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's
Milk.’  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
 
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
 
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
 
And then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
 
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.
 
He got an A.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on June 22, 2013, 04:43:34 pm
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on June 30, 2013, 05:08:24 pm
Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

The problem is when the spider disappears.

- - - - - - - - -

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.

If you find one, what's your plan?

- - - - - -

I didn't make it to the gym today.

That makes 5 years in a row.

- - - - - --

I wasn't planning to go for a run today.

But those cops came out of nowhere.

- - - - - - - -

At the bank, I told the cashier I wanted to have a joint account.

She said, OK with whom?

With anyone who has a lot of money in their account.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on June 30, 2013, 05:09:48 pm
NSFW-----and probably not in good taste
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-oqQyzucbE#ws (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-oqQyzucbE#ws)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on June 30, 2013, 07:21:34 pm
No. But you laughed.  You KNOW you did.    :cool
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on June 30, 2013, 08:51:06 pm
A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the Congress balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

"You crafty little b*****d," said the genie.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on June 30, 2013, 09:51:43 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on July 01, 2013, 12:34:17 am
I'd want to be even more careful wording that wish... "remain young" instead, maybe...

I seem to remember a myth about a goddess asking her lover be granted immortal life, but not immortal youth, so he wasted away, and was eventually made a grasshopper for his troubles, or something to that effect.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on July 01, 2013, 08:45:49 am
Uhhh . . . it's a joke.  Y'know, humor?

Never mind.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on July 20, 2013, 05:37:31 am
courtesy of Sharp As A Marble:

BREAKING NEWS–The DOJ has released George Zimmerman’s gun.........

Unfortunately, it was in a shipment to Mexico.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on July 20, 2013, 05:22:48 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: mephisto on July 22, 2013, 10:49:16 pm
Question: How many Liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Answer: Your a raciest.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on July 22, 2013, 11:22:54 pm
How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they don't like change. ;)
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: mephisto on July 22, 2013, 11:40:15 pm
<rim shot>
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Grognard on July 23, 2013, 03:22:17 pm
 ;)  Really Bad Jokes  :o
1.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
 The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
2.   Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
 one of them would have seen it.
3.  Two fat guys are sitting in a bar, one says to the other "Your round." The other one replies: "So are you, you fat bum!"
4.   Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery  acid, and the other was eating fireworks.                          They charged one and let  the other one off.
 

 
 
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on July 28, 2013, 07:59:04 pm
just to freak people out
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on July 28, 2013, 10:55:04 pm
Nice.   :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on July 28, 2013, 11:47:12 pm
Banana pudding would look like spoiled mayonnaise... freak people out even more... maybe mix in some pistachio, w/ the vanilla?
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Coronach on July 29, 2013, 12:50:48 am
Once at BSA summer camp we had a guy take a huge bite of mayo, thinking it was vanilla pudding. They we serving sandwiches, and the condiments (catsup, mayo, mustard and relish) were served in bowls at each table, with spoons. Dessert would come out after the main course was cleared. So, why Brian thought we had a random bowl of vanilla pudding in the middle of the table on sandwich day, I have no idea. All I know is he asked, "Doesn't ANYONE want any pudding?" and I replied immediately, "No, dude, it's all you" and slid the bowl over to him.

Mike :)

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using Tapatalk 2
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on July 29, 2013, 12:56:05 am
There's a Miracle Whip commercial in there somewhere .   .    .   
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on July 30, 2013, 05:29:26 pm
Took a young lady to an  O club buffet one time. She mistook the horseradish for butter and threw a healthy glop on her potato. Needless to say, it was a short evening.   :coffee  She married my bartender. Lucky sob.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on July 30, 2013, 05:32:30 pm
 :hmm How bad was the lighting, that she mistook horseradish for butter?!  :shocked
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Storyteller on July 30, 2013, 05:36:21 pm
Dim, very very dim.   ;)  In her defence. It did look a little like whipped "butter". Remember, this was an O club. They kept it dark.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on July 30, 2013, 05:51:22 pm
Dim, very very dim.

The lighting, or the date?  Ba-dum-tish...
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on July 31, 2013, 02:24:13 am
What's wrong with horseradish on potatoes?    :hmm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on August 09, 2013, 11:54:06 am
Here is a fun one.  Ronald Reagan humor.

Ronald Reagan Humor (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrRTau5jusU#)

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on August 09, 2013, 12:14:05 pm
A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

 A family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying, "I am not sure that is a duck."
 
A psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it saying, “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

 A surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. 

He then turns to a pathologist and says, "check if that was a duck."
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on August 09, 2013, 12:14:27 pm
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. 

He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married.

And she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 10, 2013, 04:37:19 am
 :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on August 14, 2013, 03:56:54 pm
This is a problem that is going around,

A.A.A.D.D..
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! P..S I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry...


Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 16, 2013, 04:57:02 pm
 :thumbup1
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on August 18, 2013, 03:31:22 pm
At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yup sure did!'
'Did they chop ya'all firewood?'
'Yup!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on August 18, 2013, 05:04:46 pm
WHY WE SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS


     

     

    I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.


    "This is the 21st century Grandpa”, she said.  "We don't waste money on newspapers, here, use my iPad."
     
    I can tell you this.


     


    That fly never knew what hit him.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on August 18, 2013, 05:24:45 pm
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on August 23, 2013, 03:01:49 pm
At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...



bum-duck?    :facepalm     I think I work there...............(not at the police station though) :doh
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: cpaspr on August 23, 2013, 07:59:48 pm
WHY WE SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS


     

     

    I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.


    "This is the 21st century Grandpa”, she said.  "We don't waste money on newspapers, here, use my iPad."
     
    I can tell you this.


     


    That fly never knew what hit him.


I was expecting a bottom of the birdcage usage, or wrapping up a fish for the freezer.  But the fly was better.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on August 27, 2013, 01:48:16 am
Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on August 27, 2013, 03:36:54 am
23)  Eat thunderberries the night before and see how many people you can make get off on the wrong floor.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 02, 2013, 09:31:10 pm
Not sure if a repost......

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>
>
>
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
>
> "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
>
> It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
>
> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
>
> He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..
>
> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
>
> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
>
> Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
>
> The computer prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
> 2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> 4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
>
> Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on September 02, 2013, 09:54:39 pm
 :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on September 08, 2013, 09:47:04 pm
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
 
After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on September 09, 2013, 08:46:01 pm
This thread has been closed due to the propensity of members to speculate about the previous post's contention based upon their geographic and socioeconomic orientation.    :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on September 09, 2013, 09:28:31 pm
Okay, anybody claiming that sex isn't better than bacon has either a) been having bad sex, b) *REALLLLLLLLY* good bacon, or c) both.

And if it's b), I'd have to demand proof.  :P
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Chief45 on September 09, 2013, 11:11:30 pm
but, um,  well,   I , er,  well,  I remember the last time I had bacon. . .  :whistle


Okay, anybody claiming that sex isn't better than bacon has either a) been having bad sex, b) *REALLLLLLLLY* good bacon, or c) both.

And if it's b), I'd have to demand proof.  :P
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on September 09, 2013, 11:33:32 pm
TMI...  :facepalm
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Lupinus on September 09, 2013, 11:49:57 pm
Plus really good bacon is usually cheaper than really bad sex  :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: sarge712 on September 10, 2013, 06:38:38 am
I love bacon as much as anyone BUT if bacon is better than sex, you're doing it wrong
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on September 10, 2013, 09:28:59 am
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
 My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
 Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
 Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
 Time for another beer.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Wolf-Dragon on September 10, 2013, 07:44:46 pm
 :rotfl :thumbup1
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Mikee5star on September 11, 2013, 11:03:32 pm
I commented to my sister, when she announced her third pregnancy, that if men had to give birth there would be a lot less sex going on.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 12, 2013, 07:40:40 pm
I love bacon as much as anyone BUT if bacon is better than sex, you're doing it wrong
How, pray tell, do you do bacon wrong? :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: booksmart on September 12, 2013, 09:13:34 pm
Not crispy enough. :neener
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Roper1911 on September 12, 2013, 11:28:42 pm
How, pray tell, do you do bacon wrong? :neener

wrap it around lady gaga.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on September 13, 2013, 07:08:51 am
wrap it around lady gaga.
:bash
all the more reason to cook it crispy---at least the noises made might be tolerable
 :bash >:D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: jamisjockey on September 13, 2013, 08:30:55 pm
My girlfriend called me a pedophile....I told her that's an awful big word for a ten year old.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Kaso on September 13, 2013, 09:10:20 pm
My girlfriend called me a pedophile....I told her that's an awful big word for a ten year old.
Was that a joke?  If so, it was only the second in 14 (now 15) straight posts. :-\




Kaso
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Lupinus on September 13, 2013, 10:08:18 pm
My girlfriend called me a pedophile....I told her that's an awful big word for a ten year old.
ON. Pick ON someone your own size JJ.
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: fnfnc64 on September 14, 2013, 02:48:28 am
bacon is easier to get than sex, only half as bad for your heart, you usually only get burned once by bacon and you learn your lesson, bacon doesn't get jealous when you are checking out other bacon, and the pig you got the bacon from wont embarrass you if your friends ever get to meet it. Oh, and just try to sluff a day of work, sit around and watch tv while you drink a bottle of jack daniels, and have sex for breakfast. Trust me here, it works much better when you have the bacon for breakfast and save the sex for when you sober up. I'm just sayin...... :coffee
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: goatroper on September 14, 2013, 02:13:43 pm
MANY ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON.

A quick recap of last year ...

Alabama beat  Arkansas and Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee and Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn and Auburn fired their coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.



How do we get the White House to play Alabama??



Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: coelacanth on September 15, 2013, 02:55:25 am
 >:D
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: Stevie-Ray on September 15, 2013, 03:51:04 pm
:bash
all the more reason to cook it crispy---at least the noises made might be tolerable
 :bash >:D

I dunno. None of Lady Gaga's noise is tolerable to me. :rotfl
Title: Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
Post by: aikorob on September 30, 2013, 02:31:55 pm
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.


The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so