Help support WeTheArmed.com by visiting our sponsors.

Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 391729 times)

Gunnguy

  • Husband, Father, US Air Force Veteran, Scouter, Hunter, Geek, Gamer, PITA (Pain in the A$$), and future comedy star.
  • Senior Contributor
  • *****
  • Posts: 4517
  • You did what with what?

  • Offline
Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #950 on: February 16, 2013, 03:05:57 pm »

Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Indiana'The average response time of a 911 call is over 23 minutes, the average response time of a .44 magnum is 1400 feet per second.'

WeTheArmed.com

  • Advertisement
  • ***

    aikorob

    • Contributor
    • ****
    • Posts: 1390

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #951 on: February 16, 2013, 03:14:33 pm »
     :bash :bash :bash
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

    • Contributor
    • ****
    • Posts: 1390

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #952 on: February 16, 2013, 11:58:23 pm »
    ** All I Need to Know in Life I learned from my Horse **

    1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
    2. You can never have too many treats.
    3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
    4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
    5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
    6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
    7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk.
        And never walk when you can stand still.
    8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then
        sleeping the rest.
    10. Eat plenty of roughage.
    11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big,
         brown eyes help too.
    12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
    13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
    14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
    15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to
         take the blame.
    16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
    17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have
         something good to eat.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    fnfnc64

    • Senior Member
    • ***
    • Posts: 614

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #953 on: February 17, 2013, 03:59:30 pm »
    HEY!   you wuzzent apposed to photoshop dat!     :rotfl

    UtahSi vis pacem, para bellum

    Molon labe

    semper in excretia sumus solim profundum variat

     Life NRA

    Stevie-Ray

    • Senior Member
    • ***
    • Posts: 562

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #954 on: February 22, 2013, 03:16:21 pm »
    TOOLS EXPLAINED


    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
    snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands
    so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
    across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where
    nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
    the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

    SKIL SAW:

    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
     
     


    PLIERS:

    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
     


    BELT SANDER:

    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
     


    HACKSAW:

    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
    influence its course, the more dismal your future
    becomes.
     

     
     
    VISE-GRIPS:

    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
     

     
     
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


    TABLE SAW:

    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:

    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut
    on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
     

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
    to strip out Phillips screw heads.
     



    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:

    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a .50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:

    A tool used to make hoses too short.
     


    HAMMER:

    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to
    hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE:
     

    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
     
    Son of a b*tch TOOL:
     

    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    JesseL

    • Gun Mangler
    • WTA Staff
    • Senior Contributor
    • *****
    • Posts: 12451

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #955 on: February 22, 2013, 03:23:17 pm »
    Wow, I recognized that as being based on a Peter Egan column in Road & Track but I didn't realize until I looked it up it was published 17 years ago. Makes me feel a little old.

    Here's the complete original BTW: http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Workshop/Definitions.htm
    Arizona

    booksmart

    • Token Left Leaning Idealist Libertarian
    • Senior Contributor
    • *****
    • Posts: 6715
    • E. Pluribus Unum.

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #956 on: February 22, 2013, 03:49:24 pm »
    There are only two of those I have no experience with: hydraulic floor jack, and hose cutter (only time I've ever had to cut a hose, I used a knife).

    The descriptions are - for the most part - accurate. Circumstances of use may be responsible for the discrepancies.

    Stevie-Ray

    • Senior Member
    • ***
    • Posts: 562

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #957 on: February 22, 2013, 06:59:20 pm »
    The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

    A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland , at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
    As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

    Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'


    ***********************************************************************


    I was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit ."


    So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, and left a note that read,"I hope this helps!"




    « Last Edit: February 22, 2013, 08:20:31 pm by Stevie-Ray »
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

    • Senior Contributor
    • *****
    • Posts: 10316
    • eccentric orbit

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #958 on: February 23, 2013, 03:24:15 am »
     :rotfl :clap
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Outbreak

    • NRA Basic Pistol Instructor, Certified Sig P-Series Armorer
    • WTA Staff
    • Senior Contributor
    • *****
    • Posts: 11465
    • Outbreak Monkey ^

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #959 on: February 23, 2013, 05:06:50 am »
    The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

    A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland , at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
    As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

    Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

    Funny, but unlikely, at least on a C-130. First our "latrine holding tank" is a 5 gallon stainless steel bucket with a toilet seat on it. It is "pumped out" when the last (or only) person who used it pulls the trash bag out, ties it up, and walks off the plane with it. This rule ABSOLUTELY applies to passengers...yes, even females. I've never met a Herk pilot who is that much of a tool. And the Pilots don't even really do "preflight checks." We have Sweaties for that. ;)
    TexasOutbreak

    I take my coffee black...like my rifles.

    I absolutely despise Glocks. That's why I only own two.

    I'm glad that your chains rest lightly upon you. --JesseL

    aikorob

    • Contributor
    • ****
    • Posts: 1390

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #960 on: February 23, 2013, 07:45:03 am »
    To do List:

    1) Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.

    2) Hire 2 private investigators. Get them to follow each other.

    3) Wear a shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on street corner.

    4) Get into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."

    5) Major in Philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.

    6) Run into a store and ask what year it is. When some one answers, yell, "It worked!" and run out cheering.

    7) Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula.

    8.) Change name to Simon. Speak in 3rd person.

    9) Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."

    10) Follow joggers around in your car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

    • Contributor
    • ****
    • Posts: 1390

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #961 on: February 23, 2013, 07:45:49 am »
    A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. Shortly, she received back the following reply:

    From: National Defense Headquarters
    M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
    101 Colonel By Drive
    Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
    Canada


    Dear Concerned Citizen:

    Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

    In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

    Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling; however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

    Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him.

    Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

    You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter. You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

    Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.
    Cordially,
    Gordon O'Connor
    Minister of National Defense
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    sarge712

    • WTA LEO
    • Senior Contributor
    • *****
    • Posts: 5855
    • Just a teddy bear fulla luv, bub

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #962 on: February 23, 2013, 02:24:50 pm »
     :clap
    I've told similar to council members and citizens who complained that we "failed to do enough" or needed to "do something" to help a vagrant or drunk. "Hey, I'm on my way to your house with him since you sound so concerned. I'll be there in five..." and then I hang up on them although I was just kidding. The Chief told me "Stop and stop it now." Do gooders only want help handed out when it doesn't cost them anything
    North CarolinaBe without fear in the face of thine enemies.
    Be brave and upright that God may love thee.
    Speak the truth always even if it leads to thy death.
    Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.
    That is thine oath.

    Stevie-Ray

    • Senior Member
    • ***
    • Posts: 562

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #963 on: February 25, 2013, 08:16:41 pm »
    On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

    When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'
    In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    Wolf-Dragon

    • Senior Member
    • ***
    • Posts: 743

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #964 on: February 25, 2013, 11:19:35 pm »
     :facepalm
    Spoiler (click to show/hide)

    fnfnc64

    • Senior Member
    • ***
    • Posts: 614

    • Offline
    UtahSi vis pacem, para bellum

    Molon labe

    semper in excretia sumus solim profundum variat

     Life NRA

    goatroper

    • Contributor
    • ****
    • Posts: 1476

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #966 on: February 27, 2013, 11:27:47 pm »


     

    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

    KABOOM!

    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

    KA-BLOOEY!

    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

    BULLS-EYE!

    "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

    So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

    The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

    "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

    "I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

    "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

    "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

    "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!
    VirginiaGoatroper

    booksmart

    • Token Left Leaning Idealist Libertarian
    • Senior Contributor
    • *****
    • Posts: 6715
    • E. Pluribus Unum.

    • Offline
    The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #967 on: February 27, 2013, 11:59:09 pm »
    Heh, last time it was Detroit...

    Wolf-Dragon

    • Senior Member
    • ***
    • Posts: 743

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #968 on: February 28, 2013, 12:33:46 am »
    Either one works great though.
    Spoiler (click to show/hide)

    Outbreak

    • NRA Basic Pistol Instructor, Certified Sig P-Series Armorer
    • WTA Staff
    • Senior Contributor
    • *****
    • Posts: 11465
    • Outbreak Monkey ^

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #969 on: March 01, 2013, 11:39:35 am »
    This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

    On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced over and looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice,

    "I'm a big believer in the barter system, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"

    I thought it over for a few seconds and responded.....

    "Well, just what kind of ammo have you got?"
    TexasOutbreak

    I take my coffee black...like my rifles.

    I absolutely despise Glocks. That's why I only own two.

    I'm glad that your chains rest lightly upon you. --JesseL

    Coronach

    • WTA Staff
    • Senior Contributor
    • *****
    • Posts: 6791
    • Armorer: Colt 1911, M16, Glock, M&P, Rem 700 & 870

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #970 on: March 01, 2013, 12:55:36 pm »
    Well, that'd be a win-win!
    OhioNot stressed, but I am a carrier.

    coelacanth

    • Senior Contributor
    • *****
    • Posts: 10316
    • eccentric orbit

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #971 on: March 01, 2013, 04:38:49 pm »
     :thumbup1      :rotfl     ( the price gas is headed toward you might see all sorts of creative solutions to getting your tank filled, never mind the ammo )
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    goatroper

    • Contributor
    • ****
    • Posts: 1476

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #972 on: March 03, 2013, 02:58:43 pm »


    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

    The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa ?'

    ... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

    The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died.

    "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

    He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

    When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter ?"

    He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson !"
    VirginiaGoatroper

    Wolf-Dragon

    • Senior Member
    • ***
    • Posts: 743

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #973 on: March 03, 2013, 06:30:46 pm »
    Ooooohh... That's bad.
    Spoiler (click to show/hide)

    Stevie-Ray

    • Senior Member
    • ***
    • Posts: 562

    • Offline
    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #974 on: March 03, 2013, 11:15:32 pm »

    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

    The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa ?'............................

    Post 157, page 7

    ********************************************************************


    Survivor - Texas Style"
    Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled:

    "Survivor - Texas-Style!"
    The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville.

    They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will Go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas .

    Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 10 bumper stickers which will read:

    1. "I'm A Democrat"
    2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
    3. "Boycott Beef"
    4. " George Strait Sucks"
    5. "Re-elect Obama In 2016"
    6. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
    7. "I Love Obamacare, Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer"
    8. "It's Bush's Fault"
    9. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion"

    And the last sticker is ............
    10. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"

    The first contestant to make it back to Dallas - ALIVE - wins.


     

    « Last Edit: March 03, 2013, 11:45:37 pm by Stevie-Ray »
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    Help support WeTheArmed.com by visiting our sponsors.