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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 351480 times)

Stevie-Ray

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #550 on: March 23, 2011, 10:19:35 pm »
THE OLDER CROWD


 

A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'


***********************

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I LOVE IT!)

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true.  I love

to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------

Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two  guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
   To where I was going.

The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
*********************


Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!

--

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.   
The jet jockey decided to show off.   


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly   
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished   
With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier... The F-16 pilot   
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?   


The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"   
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130   
pilot came back on and said: "What did you think of that?"   
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?" 
The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked 
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee, and a 
cinnamon roll."

The moral of the story is......



When you are young and foolish -   

speed and flash may seem a good thing!

   
When you get older and smarter -

comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!



We older folks understand this one.

MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

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    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #551 on: March 23, 2011, 10:36:42 pm »
    Some of those are good to be "Philosoraptor" quotes.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Outbreak

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #552 on: March 24, 2011, 11:52:44 am »
    A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.   
    The jet jockey decided to show off.   


    The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly   
    went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished   
    With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier... The F-16 pilot   
    asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?   


    The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"   
    The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130   
    pilot came back on and said: "What did you think of that?"   
    Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?" 
    The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked 
    to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee, and a 
    cinnamon roll."

    The moral of the story is......



    When you are young and foolish -   

    speed and flash may seem a good thing!

       
    When you get older and smarter -

    comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!



    We older folks understand this one.



    Don't have to be old to appreciate this one. I'm not quite four years out of college and I hate flying any other way. Jet jocks can keep their speed, I'll keep my leg room.
    TexasOutbreak

    I take my coffee black...like my rifles.

    I absolutely despise Glocks. That's why I only own two.

    I'm glad that your chains rest lightly upon you. --JesseL

    Gunnguy

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #553 on: March 24, 2011, 09:14:17 pm »
    We Irish do not drink a drop more than anyone else.


    We just get more smile per gallon!!!
     ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
    Indiana'The average response time of a 911 call is over 23 minutes, the average response time of a .44 magnum is 1400 feet per second.'

    Mamba1-0

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #554 on: March 26, 2011, 02:35:42 pm »
    Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love
    you."
    She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

    He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer." :beer
    Missouri

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #555 on: March 26, 2011, 10:55:22 pm »
    Nice.   :facepalm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #556 on: March 28, 2011, 07:52:37 pm »
    WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

    The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

    The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

    The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

    The Chinese  -  eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

    The Russian  -  Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

    The Israeli  -  sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

    The Palestinian  -  blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.---


    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #557 on: March 29, 2011, 12:45:01 am »
    We have a winner.    ;D
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #558 on: March 29, 2011, 04:28:09 pm »
    NICE. :clap :rotfl

    Chief45

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #559 on: March 30, 2011, 11:27:18 pm »
    The AARP eye test.

    It's ok to click on the picture.   ;D
    KansasUN-Retired LEO.

    Non Timebo Mala . . . . . . . I will fear no evil. . .

    It is what it is. . . . . .It's All Good.

    LouisCQ1971

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #560 on: March 30, 2011, 11:49:24 pm »
    The AARP eye test.

    It's ok to click on the picture.   ;D

     I didn't know you could do that with a plunger, (the third one from the left bottom row.) ;)
    Do, Do Not, There Is No Try

    Come To The Darkside,,,We have Cookies.

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      Rest easy bro, you and dad save me a few beers...

    Correctional Officers; We Face what you Fear

    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #561 on: March 31, 2011, 12:25:57 am »
    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

    LouisCQ1971

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #562 on: March 31, 2011, 05:00:35 pm »
    If you are at all concerned about radiation fallout from
     
    Japan's Fukushima reactor, here's a readily available,
     
    innovative and inexpensive radiation tester you can use
     
    anywhere in your home.
     
    1. Open a bag of Orville Redenbocker microwave
        popcorn.
     
    2. Leave it on a table and if it starts popping, you're
        screwed.      
     
    Do, Do Not, There Is No Try

    Come To The Darkside,,,We have Cookies.

    R.I.P. Jared Monti 06-21-06 3d Squadron, 71st Cavalry, 10th Mountain Division (Light Infantry).
      Rest easy bro, you and dad save me a few beers...

    Correctional Officers; We Face what you Fear

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #563 on: April 02, 2011, 09:47:19 am »
     :facepalm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #564 on: April 02, 2011, 04:22:50 pm »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #565 on: April 04, 2011, 11:22:33 pm »
    Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see
    something like this.
    Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for
    the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
    This year's term was:

    "Political Correctness."

    The winner wrote:

    "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
    minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
    holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd
    by the clean end."

    (This guy has nailed it.)

    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #566 on: April 06, 2011, 02:41:58 am »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Langenator

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #567 on: April 06, 2011, 07:13:25 am »


    No .308?  That'd be my choice.
    TexasFortuna Fortis Paratus

    JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #568 on: April 06, 2011, 12:41:13 pm »
    Boarders = people boarding a ship
    Borders = the lines between countries

    I'm so tired of seeing people confuse those.
    Arizona

    Thernlund

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #569 on: April 06, 2011, 04:29:10 pm »
    Where exactly does the Wisconsin thing fit into that montage?   :scrutiny

    Idiots.  :facepalm


    -T.
    Arizona  Arm yourself because no one else here will save you.  The odds will betray you, and I will replace you...

    Chief45

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #570 on: April 06, 2011, 04:38:29 pm »
    Where exactly does the Wisconsin thing fit into that montage?   :scrutiny

    Idiots.  :facepalm


    -T.

    perhaps because of the letter the unions sent out to non-supporters.   Nice business you got here, be a shame if something happened and the police or fire departments did not show up because you did not support public unions.

    KansasUN-Retired LEO.

    Non Timebo Mala . . . . . . . I will fear no evil. . .

    It is what it is. . . . . .It's All Good.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #571 on: April 12, 2011, 03:47:59 pm »


    Awesome.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #572 on: April 12, 2011, 04:10:24 pm »









    (Meanwhile in Russia...)









    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #573 on: April 13, 2011, 02:12:07 pm »
     :rotfl  The Canadian one cracked me up, eh. 
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #574 on: April 13, 2011, 08:34:24 pm »
    Good ones. I've seen the Irish pic, but it said "Irish yoga". ;D
    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

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