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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 351509 times)

Outbreak

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #475 on: November 06, 2010, 09:38:09 pm »
Who and/or what is that thing? And what's the caption say?

Don't know what the thing is, but the caption says "lol wut."
TexasOutbreak

I take my coffee black...like my rifles.

I absolutely despise Glocks. That's why I only own two.

I'm glad that your chains rest lightly upon you. --JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #476 on: November 06, 2010, 10:01:01 pm »
    I think it's a commie version of Slimer from Ghostbusters...
    "Bushido is all very well in its way, but it is no match for a 30-06." - Col. Jeff Cooper

    JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #477 on: November 06, 2010, 11:45:26 pm »
    Arizona

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #478 on: November 07, 2010, 01:47:57 am »
    Raptor, it's the Soviet version of "lol wut."

    It does technically say "lol shut" but that doesn't mean anything.  :coffee
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #479 on: November 29, 2010, 09:09:21 pm »
    Be forewarned, these are lame.

    A skeleton walked into a bar. "What'll it be?", asked the bartender. "I'll have a beer and a mop," said the skeleton.

    Two fish are in a tank.
    One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

    What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
    "Hey, where's my tractor?"

    What do you call a chicken without a head?
    A headless chicken.

    What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
    Take him out for a drag.

    Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
    Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

    What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
    Robin, get in the car.
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #480 on: November 29, 2010, 09:41:38 pm »
    At the next WTA comedians anonymous meeting I will suggest we vote on whether or not you should be shot.  Then we'll all go down to Unkle Musket's pub and have a pint.
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #481 on: November 29, 2010, 09:43:54 pm »
    I'll be voting 'aye'.

    Those are just so bad.
    Arizona

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #482 on: November 29, 2010, 09:48:00 pm »
    Yup.  I'm surprised he didn't throw in the one about "Where are most of the feathers found on a turkey?" . . .
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #483 on: November 29, 2010, 09:52:05 pm »
    'Nay', only because most of my jokes are a lot worse.  :hide Though I did laugh at the 2 fish one...  :hide
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #484 on: November 29, 2010, 09:55:17 pm »
    I was looking for jokes my younger brother would get.  I figure as bad as they are, they're slightly entertaining, and if it brightens someone's day, it is worth it.

    At the next WTA comedians anonymous meeting I will suggest we vote on whether or not you should be shot.  Then we'll all go down to Unkle Musket's pub and have a pint.

    Can I get my pint before I get shot?
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #485 on: November 29, 2010, 10:00:58 pm »
    Can I get my pint before I get shot?

    Isn't it more conventional to have the chaser after the shot?
    Arizona

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #486 on: November 29, 2010, 11:11:41 pm »
    Isn't it more conventional to have the chaser after the shot?

    http://instantrimshot.com/
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #487 on: December 01, 2010, 03:48:59 am »
    Isn't it more conventional to have the chaser after the shot?

    Then I guess I'll have my beer and a mop...   ;)
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    fnfnc64

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #488 on: December 05, 2010, 01:11:38 am »
    TSA bumper stickers
    UtahSi vis pacem, para bellum

    Molon labe

    semper in excretia sumus solim profundum variat

     Life NRA

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #489 on: December 06, 2010, 10:40:23 pm »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Storyteller

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #490 on: December 07, 2010, 03:35:34 pm »
    ^ ^ ^ That there is funny, I don't care whre your from.   :rotfl
    HawaiiA cup of campfire coffee, in a hot tin cup, with a splash of Irish whiskey is why the Gods get up in the morning.

    Unisaw

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #491 on: December 08, 2010, 12:32:25 pm »
    It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame, has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.  :hide
    Mr. President, hunting, skeet, and the inability of your urban constituency to raise a generation of people who don’t maim and murder each other at will have nothing to do with my right to keep and bear arms.--daddybear71

    Thernlund

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #492 on: December 08, 2010, 03:59:38 pm »
    :facepalm


    -T.
    Arizona  Arm yourself because no one else here will save you.  The odds will betray you, and I will replace you...

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #493 on: December 08, 2010, 04:21:33 pm »
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #494 on: December 20, 2010, 03:45:04 pm »
    I didn't write this, but it's too darned funny not to share.


    The Death of Santa Claus
    Well there' strange things done
    'neath the Vietnamese sun,
    but the time that locked my jaws
    was the night 'neath the moon,
    when the third platoon
    gunned down Santa Claus.

    Well it started off right
    just an ordinary night
    we had to spend in the dirt.
    Security was out, 360 about
    with fifty percent alert.
    We had eighty ones and naval guns,
    the tanks were track to track,
    an Onotos or so and an arty FO
    with barrages back to back
    I froze where I stood
    cause out of the wood
    eight horses came running along.
    Now this may sound corny,
    but them mustangs were horny.
    "My God" I thought, "mounted Viet Cong!"
    He was coming our way
    in what looked like a sleigh,
    but you never know what they will use.
    The flares were tripped, The SID's had flipped,
    and the TIPSY blew a fuse.
    We let him close, then yelled "Who goes!"
    like they do in the movie show,
    and the answer we got, believe it or not,
    was a hearty "Ho, Ho, Ho".
    Now those troops of mine, they'd seen some time,
    and we'd done some things back-asswards.
    They may be thick, but I'll tell you a trick,
    they knew that wasn't the password.
    The eighty-ones soared and the nineties roared,
    the naval guns raised some hell.
    A bright flare flew through the air,
    we fired our FPL.
    I'll give him gut's, but the guy was nuts
    or I'm a no good liar.
    He dropped like a stone in our killing zone
    and I passed the word "Cease fire!"
    I went out and took a real good look,
    my memory started to race.
    My mind plays games when it comes to names
    but I never forget a face.
    He was dressed all in red and looked well fed,
    he was older than most I'd seen.
    He looked right weird with that long white beard,
    and them stumps where his legs had been.
    He hadn't quite died when I reached his side,
    but the end was clearly in sight.
    I knelt down low and he said real slow
    "Merry Christmas, and to all a good night."
    So I picked up the hook with a voice that shook
    and said "Get me the six and quick."
    "Colonel" I said "hang on to your head,
    we just greased old St. Nick."
    Now the Old Man's cool, he's nobodies fool
    right off he knew the word.
    If this got out, there'd be no doubt
    he won't be getting his bird.
    "Just get him up here, we'll play it by ear,
    make sure of that medevac tag. Dismantle that sleigh,'
    drive them reindeer away
    and bury that God-damned bag."
    Now by and by the kids may cry
    'cause there's nothing under the tree,
    but word just came back from FMFPAC
    that Santa had gone VC.
    Well there' strange things done
    'neath the Vietnamese sun,
    but the time that locked my jaws
    was the night 'neath the moon,
    when the third platoon
    gunned down Santa Claus.
    HawaiiA cup of campfire coffee, in a hot tin cup, with a splash of Irish whiskey is why the Gods get up in the morning.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #495 on: December 22, 2010, 09:47:40 pm »
    Here's one of mine from when I belonged to a Lightning club, from the holidays. For those that might not know an L1 is a first generation Ford Lightning 1993-1995, L2s came out in 1999 and sold til 2004. I have a 2000.

    The Night Before Christmas..........Part III (2002)

    Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the city, not a fast car was running. I'm alone, such a pity. The ricers were silent, their fart-pipes gone cold; most V-8s were stored at this time, I'm told. My wife was snoozin, all alone in our cot. The neighbors were boozin, passed out, or what-not. When up ahead smoke appeared, not trouble this late, but a violent burnout from a throaty V8. "It's him" I whispered to no one but myself. "It's the guy in the L1, the jolly old elf." I'd raced him before, twice, this very night. "For the third time he's here to set things aright." For last year, victorious, I'd shown him who's boss, after suffering the previous year, a devastating loss. My L, freshly Zainoed, and sporting her mods, was up to the task of most local hot rods. She looked simply gorgeous, she shined in the moon, and was running incredibly, perfectly tuned. I'd took off some weight, and emptied the bed. Then why did I feel I had something to dread? I remembered his truck, the tub-job, the stance. Then I thought of last year and said, "I've still got a chance." "Now honey, now baby, we took him last year; lets do it again, we have nothing to fear." As I pulled alongside him he looked over and smiled. Beside such maturity, I felt like a child. His beard was pure white, his dimples how merry, his red paint glistened, I could still smell the cherry. The stance was the same, the truck still looked mean, but I was sure there was more, would the old man come clean? "What's new?" I asked, with a nod to his hood. He simply replied, "Have you been good?" "I'll show you," I said as I rolled up the glass, "Have I been good, I'll hand him his ass!" At the green both trucks roared, my F1s got a bite. His slicks did the same as the roar split the night. I felt the rush of my life as my truck ran it's best, but how many lengths am I ahead, was the test. I glanced over with glee and my glee turned to horror. The old man was there, truck to truck, door to door. I gave it my all to 105, then backed off preferring to remain alive. An incredible sight had then met my eye; he'd backed off the same time, a virtual tie! As we rolled to a stop, I looked over and smiled. His eyes how they twinkled, his features were mild. "I gave it my all" I said with a grin. "So did I, son" he said, "But this time, no win." "Merry Christmas" I said, my voice filled with cheer. "Same to you, son" he replied, "I'll see you next year."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #496 on: December 23, 2010, 03:29:50 am »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    tactical22

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #497 on: December 26, 2010, 04:15:57 pm »
     :P Hmm...good point :hmm
    _________
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    [_I_[__[OlllllO]    
    ()_)""''"()_)'"''")_)    
    "Solus Christus, Semper Reformanda, Semper Fidelis!"

    "No King But Jesus!"

    "...That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of th

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #498 on: January 02, 2011, 11:51:17 pm »
    Alabama


    A group of  Alabama  friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
    the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
    the weight of an eight-point buck.

    "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

    "Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the
    trail," the successful hunter replied.

    "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

    "A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one is going to steal
    Henry!"
     



    Georgia


    The owner of a golf course in  Georgia was confused about paying an invoice,
    so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

    He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the  University
    of  Georgia and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
    how much would you take off?"

    The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
    earrings."


     
    Louisiana


    A senior citizen in Louisiana  was overheard saying ... "When the end of the
    world comes, I hope to be in  Louisiana  ."

    When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in  Louisiana  because everything
    happens in Louisiana  20 years later than in the rest of the civilized
    world."


     
    Mississippi


    The young man from  Mississippi  came running into the store and said to his
    buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

    Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

    The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


     
    North Carolina


    A man in  North Carolina  had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
    road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
    behind it.  Then he got back in the car to wait.

    A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned
    around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was.

    The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

    The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

    The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
    front and flares in the back.  I never did understand it neither."


     

     Tennessee 


    A Tennessee   State  trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The trooper
    asked, "Got any ID?"

    The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


     

    Texas


    The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
    into the ditch.

    The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don't you see
    that sign right over your head."

    "Yep", he replied.  "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says:

    'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

     

      ***


    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #499 on: January 03, 2011, 01:28:01 am »
    More Fighting


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
    processed my Social Security application..
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started........


    ___________________________________



    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
    slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and
    proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
    pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
    weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
    undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
    different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
    is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...


     


    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

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