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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 351496 times)

fnfnc64

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #450 on: October 05, 2010, 10:10:14 pm »
UtahSi vis pacem, para bellum

Molon labe

semper in excretia sumus solim profundum variat

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    Smith1776

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #451 on: October 05, 2010, 11:49:34 pm »
     ;D
    A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
    While they were there the Wife passed away.
    The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
    The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
    The undertaker asked, " Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your Wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ? "
    The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."




    "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't ."

    "Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive."

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #452 on: October 09, 2010, 01:07:45 am »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Smith1776

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #453 on: October 09, 2010, 01:51:24 am »
     ;D
    "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't ."

    "Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive."

    tactical22

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #454 on: October 12, 2010, 11:15:50 pm »
    Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
    the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

    Mick, the bartender says,  "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

    Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

    Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Damn" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

    He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Damn"

    He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies
    up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
    breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
    sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

     "By Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked," he says.

     He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
     hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
     He takes a look up the stairs and says "No damn way".  He crawls up
     the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed".
     He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

     He says, " Damn it " and falls into bed.

     The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
     of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.  Did you have a bit to drink last
     night ?"

     Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?"

     "Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub."
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    "Solus Christus, Semper Reformanda, Semper Fidelis!"

    "No King But Jesus!"

    "...That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of th

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #455 on: October 15, 2010, 01:57:39 am »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    tactical22

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #456 on: October 17, 2010, 02:17:20 am »
    I don't get it, FMJ ??? ;)

     :neener
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    "Solus Christus, Semper Reformanda, Semper Fidelis!"

    "No King But Jesus!"

    "...That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of th

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #457 on: October 20, 2010, 03:59:43 pm »
    Senior health care solution - tongue in cheek, of course!

    So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?

    Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 Congressmen and 2 illegal immigrants!  

    Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating,  air conditioning and all the health care you need!  New teeth - no problem.  Need glasses, great.  New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?  All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

    And who will be paying for all of this?  The same government that just told you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

    Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
    IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?  

    **************************************************************************************************


    An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I
    quote:
                  
    "If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the
    Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112
    deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
            
    The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same
    period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and
    killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws
    in the U.S., than you are in Iraq .

    Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington

    *******************************************************************************************************

    Some of you will enjoy this more than others.... Southerners can be so polite!
     
    Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

    Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."


    Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."


    Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. -Allah is Great."
     
    Pause....


    Saudi Air: " ATLANTA TOWER -   ATLANTA TOWER !"


    Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."


    Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE .. . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"




    Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus.


     Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hello"  for us."


    **********************************************************************************************************


    SEASON'S GREETINGS
    T'was the night before elections
    And all through the town
    Tempers were flaring
    Emotions up and down

     

    I, in my bathrobe
    With a cat in my lap
    Had cut off the TV
    tired of political crap

     

    When all of a sudden
    There arose such a noise
    I peered out my window
    Saw Obama and his boys

     
     

    They had come for my wallet
    They wanted my pay
    To give to the others  
    Who had not worked a day!

     

    He snatched up my money
    And quick as a wink
    Jumped back on his bandwagon
    As I gagged from the stink

     

    He then rallied his henchmen
    Who were pulling his cart
    I could tell they were out
    To tear my country apart!

     

    'On Fannie, on Freddie,
    On Biden and Ayers!
    On Acorn, On Pelosi'
    He screamed at the pairs!
    They took off for his cause
    And as they flew out of sight
    I heard him laugh at the nation
    Who wouldn't stand up and fight!
    So I leave you to think
    On this one final note--
    IF YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM
    GET OUT AND VOTE !!!!
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #458 on: October 20, 2010, 09:34:33 pm »
    Nice.   :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #459 on: October 24, 2010, 08:38:13 am »
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #460 on: October 27, 2010, 07:31:55 am »
    Facebook Through History:

    (mild language)
    Spoiler (click to show/hide)

    Bud

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    Outsourced
    « Reply #461 on: October 27, 2010, 10:53:51 am »
    MissouriBud
    Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death! Patrick Henry

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    Re: Outsourced
    « Reply #462 on: October 27, 2010, 12:44:03 pm »
    Now THAT would make for a nice change.

    (Still, when I saw the title, I thought you were talking about that appallingly stupid TV show. :hide)

    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #463 on: October 27, 2010, 07:45:32 pm »
    Loved the Facebook ones. You ever seen some of the Star Wars Facebook spoofs? ;D
    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

    Storyteller

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #464 on: October 28, 2010, 07:31:00 pm »
    Got this from a blog : MausersandMuffins (I like the title)

    Rules for Riding The Stagecoach;
    This listing of rules for Stage Coach Passengers was found in a very old Durango, Colorado Newspaper.

    1. If the stage team runs away or you are pursued by Indians, stay in the coach and take your chances. Don't jump out, for you will be either injured or scalped.

    2. In cold weather, abstain from liquor, for you are subject to freezing quicker if under the influence than if you were cold sober. But if you are drinking from a bottle, pass it around. It is the only polite thing to do.

    3. Don't smoke a strong cigar or pipe on the stage especially when women and children are present. If chewing tobacco, spit to the leeward side.

    4. Don't swear, snore or lop over on neighbors when sleeping. Let others share the buffalo robes provided in cold weather.
     
    5. Don't shoot firearms for pleasure while enroute, as it scares the horses.

    6. Don't grease hair with bear grease as travel is very dusty.


    7. Don't discuss politics or religion.


    8. Don't point out sites where robberies have taken place.


    9. And don't imagine you are going on a picnic, for stage travel is inconvenient.


    You all travel safe now!
    HawaiiA cup of campfire coffee, in a hot tin cup, with a splash of Irish whiskey is why the Gods get up in the morning.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #465 on: October 28, 2010, 09:32:40 pm »
    As seen in San Diego

    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #466 on: October 30, 2010, 03:25:05 pm »
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    sarge712

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #467 on: October 31, 2010, 07:06:54 pm »
    I took this on the Blue Ridge Parkway today. It looks like they're encouraging Evel Knievel stunts up there.  :D

    North CarolinaBe without fear in the face of thine enemies.
    Be brave and upright that God may love thee.
    Speak the truth always even if it leads to thy death.
    Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.
    That is thine oath.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #468 on: November 01, 2010, 04:19:30 pm »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #469 on: November 06, 2010, 04:40:54 am »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    americigerm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #470 on: November 06, 2010, 03:42:11 pm »


    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #471 on: November 06, 2010, 04:27:52 pm »




    That's M.T. Kalashnikov.

    His guns are usually held together by rivets and not screws.  I'll show you when we go to that gun store.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #472 on: November 06, 2010, 04:33:42 pm »



    Who and/or what is that thing? And what's the caption say?
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    sohmdaddy

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #473 on: November 06, 2010, 06:36:12 pm »


    I don't understand why Bob and Tom are so popular. Not my cup of tea I guess.

    tactical22

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #474 on: November 06, 2010, 08:21:58 pm »
    +1, Sohmdaddy
    _________
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    [_I_[__[OlllllO]    
    ()_)""''"()_)'"''")_)    
    "Solus Christus, Semper Reformanda, Semper Fidelis!"

    "No King But Jesus!"

    "...That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of th

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