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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 351484 times)

Stevie-Ray

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #375 on: August 22, 2010, 11:05:00 pm »
Our friends in the South have issued:

Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin'

From the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and

Northeastern Urbanites:



1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass. If it is around 3:00 a.m. the customers will help kick it, too.



2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn,Darla Beth,Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.



3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.



4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.



5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g.Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.



6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.



7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.



8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.



9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.



10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.



11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.



12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.



13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. That's why your women flock around our men when we visit up North. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.



14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.



15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass!
MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

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    tactical22

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #376 on: August 22, 2010, 11:24:04 pm »
    Nice!  I LOVE living in the South :neener
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    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #377 on: August 22, 2010, 11:54:19 pm »
    I knew I was born in the wrong state! Heck with Maine! soon as I can afford it, I'm moving to Dixie!
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

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    tactical22

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #378 on: August 23, 2010, 12:10:26 am »
    Maine?  OUCH!  I feel for ya.  Even if Maine were the best state in the North, you are completely cut off and surrounded by what are known down here as "dern yankees"   ;)
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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #379 on: August 23, 2010, 12:21:22 am »
    Acutally, I'm from Pennsylvania (yay! no gun laws!) right outside of Philadelphia (boo! starry-eyed rich Progressive Libs!). Maine's been the place I've wanted to live since I was a little kid (Acadia National Park is, IMO, one of the most beautiful places in the country). But that was before I came politically aware. Now... the South looks more & more attractive by the day.
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    tactical22

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #380 on: August 23, 2010, 12:57:34 am »
    Born in Pittsburgh.  Raised in SC.  As I like to say, "Yankee by birth, Southern by choice."   :D
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    "...That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of th

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #381 on: August 23, 2010, 02:06:41 am »
    I start college tomorrow.  If all goes as planned, I'll transfer to Free America in two years time.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    tactical22

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #382 on: August 23, 2010, 03:04:14 pm »
    Congratulations, FMJ :clap
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    Outbreak

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #383 on: August 24, 2010, 11:33:36 am »
    That's seven posts that aren't funny. If the next post doesn't amuse me, I'll lock it.
    TexasOutbreak

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    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #384 on: August 24, 2010, 12:50:11 pm »
    Okay, how 'bout this, then:

    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #385 on: August 24, 2010, 09:13:48 pm »


    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #386 on: August 24, 2010, 09:14:00 pm »
    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

    Slayer-72

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #387 on: August 25, 2010, 08:29:14 pm »
    Quote
    My stupid to awesome ratio is OVER 9000!
    Sic, Semper Tyrannis...

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #388 on: August 26, 2010, 12:02:53 am »
    Now THAT'S funny.  Back to work you slacker!   :rotfl
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    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #389 on: August 26, 2010, 07:52:17 am »
    That is excellent.

    cpaspr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #390 on: August 27, 2010, 10:03:59 pm »
    Epic nunchuk fail.   :facepalm

    At least I only whacked my elbow (twice in as many days) practicing that catch (major knot on the elbow).  And bounced one off the back of a springy chair in college using an overhead swing.  (Give you one guess where that one hit me.)

    I no longer play with nunchaku.  They're not also known as "numb chucks" for nothing.
    Oregon

    Nightcrawler

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #391 on: August 27, 2010, 10:12:24 pm »
    Two muffins are baking in an oven.  One muffin looked over at the other and says, "Man, it's hot in here."  The other muffin looks back and says, "Holy crap!  A talking muffin!"


    Two dogs are walking down the sidewalk.  One dog says to the other, "Man, it's hot today."  The other dog says, "Did you hear the one about the muffins?"

    Hey-o!

    Hello?

    *cricket...cricket...*

     :rotfl

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    tactical22

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #392 on: August 28, 2010, 01:05:41 am »
    You are a certifiable mess, Nightcrawler ;)
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    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #393 on: August 28, 2010, 01:19:10 am »
    That's how he ended up here - right?  Ba dump bump.  ( rimshot )  ;D
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #394 on: August 28, 2010, 12:13:10 pm »
    That's how he ended up here - right?  Ba dump bump.  ( rimshot )  ;D

    http://instantrimshot.com/
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    fnfnc64

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #395 on: August 29, 2010, 12:18:58 pm »
    Kinda fowl but pretty funny


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    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #396 on: August 29, 2010, 12:43:48 pm »
    Forwarded to me via email:

    Dr. Seuss 2010:

    I do not like this Uncle Sam,
    I do not like his health care scam.

    I do not like these dirty crooks,
    or how they lie and cook the books.

    I do not like when Congress steals,
    I do not like their secret deals.

    I do not like this speaker Nan,
    I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'.

    I do not like this spending spree,
    I'm smart, I know that nothing's free,

    I do not like your smug replies,
    when I complain about your lies.

    I do not like this kind of hope.
    I do not like it. nope, nope, nope!
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    tactical22

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #397 on: August 30, 2010, 04:17:50 pm »
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    "No King But Jesus!"

    "...That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of th

    Matthew Mayner

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    Lindsey Vonn Olympian Presidential Investigation.
    « Reply #398 on: August 30, 2010, 05:59:57 pm »
    Did you hear Lindsey Vonn 2010 Gold medal downhill skier is being investigated by the president?

    I can't seem to find a link to the news article  but President Obama believes that Vonn should be stripped of her Gold medal because and I quote.

    "We've gone downhill much faster than she did."
    IdahoCome check out my blog for more SCI-FI and Fantasy stories. I promise you lots of explosions!

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    claymore1500

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    Re: Lindsey Vonn Olympian Presidential Investigation.
    « Reply #399 on: August 30, 2010, 07:18:33 pm »
    Good one, And you know he may have had a case, except for the fact that is what SHE was supposed to do that :clap :clap :clap :rotfl :rotfl
    Ohio

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