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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 351518 times)

ZeroTA

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #350 on: July 24, 2010, 04:41:32 pm »
 :vomit
I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

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    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #351 on: July 28, 2010, 12:39:13 am »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #352 on: July 30, 2010, 03:31:13 am »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #353 on: July 31, 2010, 12:08:54 am »
    I've had days like that.  Hopefully I didn't look as stupid as those rag headed fools though.  :devillol
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #354 on: August 01, 2010, 11:13:22 pm »
    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #355 on: August 03, 2010, 09:43:36 pm »
    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

    He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

    St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
    Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

    Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

    'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

    'That's Mother Teresa's.
    The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

    'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

    St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham
    Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
     
    'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man.

    Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
    He's using it as a ceiling fan.
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #356 on: August 04, 2010, 03:04:08 am »


    Here is the original footage of this [near] natural selection.


    I already have a feeling that someone somewhere already thinks this is somehow racist.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    MadMatt

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #357 on: August 04, 2010, 06:21:54 pm »
    Two guys are out playing a round of golf.  They see 2 people fishing.  One golfer looks at the other golfer and says "Look at those idiots fishing in the rain."

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #358 on: August 05, 2010, 04:30:33 am »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #359 on: August 06, 2010, 05:00:51 am »
    now THAT'S funny.  ;D
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #360 on: August 06, 2010, 10:42:50 pm »
    This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

    "Mouse Balls"

    Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

    Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

    Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

    Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

    It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

    Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #361 on: August 06, 2010, 10:47:11 pm »
     :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

    Dude! I can't breathe!
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

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    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #362 on: August 08, 2010, 07:23:55 pm »
    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #363 on: August 08, 2010, 07:35:30 pm »


    I actually LOLed on this one. 

    :rotfl  :rotfl  :rotfl  :rotfl
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Crash_AF

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #364 on: August 10, 2010, 06:55:11 pm »
    God was missing for six days. Eventually Michael, the  archangel, found him resting on the seventh day...

    He inquired, "Where have you been?" 

    God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." 

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" 

    "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance." 

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." 

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
    people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." 

    God continued pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." 

    The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" 

    "That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things." 

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..." 

    God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
    Quote from: akodo
    as socialism/communism call for group/government ownership of means of production and allocation of resources, 'redistribution of wealth' ties in as that is necessary to move from a private ownership system to a group/government ownership syst

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #365 on: August 11, 2010, 02:46:30 am »

























    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #366 on: August 11, 2010, 01:54:34 pm »
    An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,

    I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

    Love,
    Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

    Love,
    Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies They apologized to the old man and left.


    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Love you,
    Vinnie
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    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #367 on: August 12, 2010, 12:22:52 am »
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    mjolnir1964

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #368 on: August 13, 2010, 12:10:11 pm »
     
    QUEEN'S RIDDLE



    Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.  He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
    "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
    Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
    The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
    Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
    The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
    Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
    "Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
    Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.  It's not your brother and it's not your sister.   Who is it?"
    "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
    Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me?  Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
    Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
    Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"  Then, he went back to speak with Obama.  "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.  It's Colin Powell!"
    Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot!  It's Tony Blair!"




    AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.    :clap


    -R.
     




    Matt: "What's the difference Jed? Huh? What's the difference between us and them?"
    Jed: "The difference is...We...LIVE HERE!"

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #369 on: August 18, 2010, 12:50:29 am »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    dot4x4

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #370 on: August 19, 2010, 11:26:50 am »
    Did you hear that Kellogs came out with a new cereal?


    Its called "Prostituties"...


    They dont snap crackle and pop... 

    They just lay there and bang.   :neener
    Yes I live in California.  Please dont hold that against me.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #371 on: August 19, 2010, 11:43:13 am »
    This next video is extremely stupid and includes a view of someone's butt.

    Spoiler (click to show/hide)
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #372 on: August 20, 2010, 05:07:13 am »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #373 on: August 20, 2010, 11:36:27 am »
    So true . . .

    Feud

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #374 on: August 21, 2010, 02:08:37 am »
    The incident with Uncle Ted reminded me of this one:


    A trucker is hauling a load of computers across the country when he decides to stop at a roadside greasy spoon for some lunch.  As he's sitting at the counter the door opens and two of the nerdiest men he's ever seen enter the restaurant.  Suddenly the waitress behind the counter pulls out a double barrel shotgun, and before the trucker can realize what's going on both nerds lay strewn out across the floor.

    The shocked trucker looks at a near by State Trooper who's calmly sipping some coffee and asks why he isn't arresting the woman.  The Trooper replies, "we used to be the high tech corridor for the region, but when the economy tanked all the engineers and scientists got laid off.  Without any income they've been slowly starving to death, which is why those two wandered in here, and so to cull their numbers to a manageable level the county declared an open hunting season on nerds."

    The trucker finds this strange, but with time wasting he pays his bill and hits the highway.  A few miles down the road his tire blows out and the trailer quickly jack-knifes.  As it skids to a stop the trailer door flies open, dumping processors and motherboards across the pavement.  The driver had barely gotten out of his cab to put up the warning triangles when he saw them, hundreds of nerds suddenly flooded towards the truck and the spilled goods.  Realizing he's about to get picked clean the driver gets his road gun from the cab, and remembering what the Trooper says begins blasting away at the crowd. 

    With a wail of a siren the Trooper showed up, and before the trucker knew what was happening he found himself in handcuffs.  "What are you doing/ You told me that it was ok to shoot them?" he screamed.  "Well, yeah, you can hunt them," the Trooper replied, "but you can't bait them!"

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