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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 379398 times)

Stevie-Ray

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1450 on: February 05, 2021, 02:42:13 pm »
Political Incorrectness


I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday in Memphis, thinking about what I should do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.

An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America"
and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man?..that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!
MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

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    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1451 on: February 07, 2021, 02:40:29 am »
     :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1452 on: February 07, 2021, 10:51:39 am »
    Today, I learned the true story of how Canada got its name.

    Nobody in the government could agree on a name, so in the end they decided to just put all the letters of the alphabet in a bag, randomly draw three, and go with whatever they came up with.

    The Prime Minister reached into the bag and pulled out the first letter.

    Everyone looked and said, "'C,' eh?"

    The Prime Minister reached into the bag and pulled out the second letter.

    Everyone looked and said, "'N,' eh?"

    The Prime Minister reached into the bag and pulled out the third and final letter.

    Everyone looked and said, "'D,' eh?"
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1453 on: February 07, 2021, 07:47:14 pm »
    An oldie but goodie.   :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1454 on: February 28, 2021, 10:33:19 pm »
    A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him began breast-feeding her baby. The baby wasn't taking it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it up or I'll give it to the nice man sitting next to us." Several minutes later the baby still wasn't feeding and the woman said, "Sweetie, if you won't take it, I'll give to the nice man here." After a few more minutes, the man blurts out "COME ON KID, MAKE UP YOUR MIND-I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET OFF 3 STOPS AGO!"
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1455 on: February 28, 2021, 11:17:40 pm »
     :facepalm   
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1456 on: March 03, 2021, 01:14:54 pm »
    An Irishman is stumbling through the woods,
    totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher
    baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
    The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk,
    "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
    The drunk shouts,"Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
    He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
    The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again
    but for a little longer.
    He again pulls him out of the water and asks,
    "Now, have you found Jesus, brother?"
    The drunk answers "No, I haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the
    drunk again -- but this time holds him down for
    about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
    The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God,
    have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes,
    coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

    "Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    TommyGunn

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1457 on: March 03, 2021, 07:51:57 pm »
     :facepalm  ....... Okay :  :rotfl
    "Through ignorance of what is good and what is bad, the life of men is greatly perplexed." ~~ Cicero.

    Grognard

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1458 on: March 03, 2021, 08:13:06 pm »
    heh. good for a healthy giggle.
    Shower thought:when Jesus was a child and went a swimming in the Jordan...did He cannonball his dives or just..


    ...bounce off the surface?



    [sorry Lord, but its a question begging to be asked, and its funny too.]
    Virginia“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” -Aristotle

    cpaspr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1459 on: March 04, 2021, 08:23:18 pm »
    Ah, but Grognard, you are making an unsupported assumption.   :shrug

    We need not ask the question of whether or not Jesus knew how to swim, for, as God, he knew everything.

    No, that is not the assumption you have made.

    No, the assumption you have made, totally unsupported by scripture is this:  You have assumed he went swimming in the Jordan when he was a child.   
    Oregon

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1460 on: March 05, 2021, 12:43:35 pm »
    President Joe Biden was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
    "Hello, President Biden,” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is
    Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to
    tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

    "Well Archie," Joe replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
    your army?"

    "Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation "there is myself, my
    cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
    Hooters. That makes eight!"

    Biden paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
    army waiting to move on my command."

    "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"

    Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Biden, the war is still
    on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Biden asked.

    "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

    President Biden sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
    and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one
    and a half million since we last spoke."

    "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

    Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Biden, I am sorry
    to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

    "I'm sorry to hear that," said Joe. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
    over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed
    that many prisoners."

    SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    TommyGunn

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1461 on: March 06, 2021, 06:58:11 pm »
     :shocked  Do you really think Biden could carry on a coherent conversation that long? :-\
    "Through ignorance of what is good and what is bad, the life of men is greatly perplexed." ~~ Cicero.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1462 on: March 25, 2021, 08:00:56 pm »
    An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work".

    The German doctor says: "that's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".

    The Russian doctor says: "gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work".

    The United States doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. This year, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1463 on: March 26, 2021, 11:33:51 am »
    Lent in Ireland

    An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
    An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
    Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
    "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
    The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
    Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.*
    The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know, the two beers and all.”

    The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    cpaspr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1464 on: March 26, 2021, 02:42:18 pm »

    :beer :beer :beer

    :beer :beer  :thumbup1
    Oregon

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1465 on: March 27, 2021, 02:02:52 pm »
     :rotfl  I am officially stealing that one.   :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1466 on: April 04, 2021, 12:29:42 am »
    first 2 are AI generated inspirational quotes
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1467 on: April 04, 2021, 12:35:25 am »
    and some more
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1468 on: April 04, 2021, 12:54:01 am »
     :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1469 on: April 21, 2021, 10:36:49 am »
    My daughter is taking part in a social experiment.   She has to wear a Joe Biden T-Shirt for 2 weeks to see how people react. 

     

    So far she’s been spit on, punched and had things thrown at her.  I’m curious to see what happens when she leaves the house.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1470 on: April 21, 2021, 01:17:14 pm »
    If she went to the border and claimed political asylum the only things being thrown at her would be room and board, a nice trip to somewhere in the interior, living expenses and a free legal services plan.   :coffee
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1471 on: April 28, 2021, 12:29:03 pm »

    A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Portland, Oregon.

     

    He says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night,I beat the ever-living crap out of a rioting, car burning,

    store window breaking, looting, flag burning, cop hating, leftist protester.”

     

    The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1472 on: April 28, 2021, 01:38:43 pm »
    I took down my Confederate flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the National Rifle Assoc. sticker off my front window.

    I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
    I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
    Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
    Now the local police, Sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service, and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
    I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
    Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel.
    Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down.
    If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
    Hot Damn...Safe at last!
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1473 on: May 01, 2021, 01:51:15 am »
     :thumbup1
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1474 on: May 23, 2021, 10:44:53 pm »
     The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
    The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
    Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
    One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.
    "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
    Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
    But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.
    "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
    The man replied, "I work for the IRS."




     Fred came home from college in tears.
    "Mom, am I adopted?"
    "No of course not," replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?"
    Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. He had no match with any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived on the other side of the city.
    Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."
    "Well, obviously!" he replied.
    "What do you mean?"
    "It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."
    "I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."


     In a small Southern town, there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
    Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She looked at me like I was dumber than dirt and said, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
    I assured her that I did but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
    Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar'."


    3 guys are having interviews about becoming police detectives.  To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, the lieutenant shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
    The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
    The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
    The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
    The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses."
    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
    "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
    "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
    "That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

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