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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 385031 times)

Stevie-Ray

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1425 on: December 30, 2020, 11:09:47 am »
Just in time for the Holiday season.......

 A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The husband
wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back
in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they
still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on his cell.
The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and
you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at
the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do
remember that shop", she replied.
 
"I'm in the bar next to that."
MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

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    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1426 on: December 31, 2020, 12:29:11 pm »
     :rotfl 
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1427 on: January 01, 2021, 09:43:23 pm »
    Don't know if this will be an excellent memorial service....................or a cut rate cremation.
    Or some weird Arkansas apocalypse combination of both.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1428 on: January 02, 2021, 10:06:54 am »

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1429 on: January 04, 2021, 12:58:28 am »
    Show and tell .  .  .   :whistle.   :shrug
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1430 on: January 04, 2021, 11:36:16 am »
    I mean... if there's one place I'd be worried about combination services being offered... that's pretty much at the center of the crossroads, right there.

    Langenator

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1431 on: January 04, 2021, 08:21:59 pm »
    What, not a combination veterinarian and Chinese restaurant?
    TexasFortuna Fortis Paratus

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1432 on: January 05, 2021, 03:28:35 pm »
    There's a list.

    That would be on it.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1433 on: January 05, 2021, 03:51:54 pm »
    They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,
    and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
    sometimes it is embarrassing.

    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
    Who insists you tell her what is wrong with you
    In a room full of other patients.
    I know most of us have experienced this,
    And I love the way this old guy handled it.

    A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room
    And approached the desk. The Receptionist said,
    'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said,
    'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room
    And say things like that.

    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong
    And I told you,' he said.

    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused
    Some embarrassment in this room full of people.
    You should have said there is something wrong
    With your ear or something and discussed
    the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions
    In a roomful of strangers, if the answer
    could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
    Waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
    Knowing he had taken her advice.

    'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    cpaspr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1434 on: January 05, 2021, 06:27:15 pm »
     :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
    Oregon

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1435 on: January 05, 2021, 11:58:06 pm »
     :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1436 on: January 13, 2021, 01:22:40 pm »
    A friend told me about his trip out with his grandson.  This is what he said.  "Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.  My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace."
    As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.  Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.  And liberty, peace & justice for all.  Amen!"
    Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country.  Kids today don't even know how to pray.  Asking God for ice cream!  Why -- I never!" …  Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa?  Is God mad at me?"
    After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.  He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."  "Really?" my grandson asked.
    "Cross my heart," the man replied.  Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.  A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.
    Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.  My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.  He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
    With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am,  this is for you, you grouchy old bag.  You must be a Democrat. Shove it up your ass and cool off!"

    Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? He will make a fine Marine one day.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1437 on: January 13, 2021, 10:44:44 pm »
     :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Woofr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1438 on: January 18, 2021, 02:37:52 pm »
    The Gorilla and the Redneck:

    A small zoo in  Georgia obtained a very
    rare species of gorilla.

    Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female,
    became very difficult to handle. Upon
    examination, the veterinarian determined
    the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To
    make matters worse, there was no male
    gorilla available.

    Thinking about their problem, the Zoo
    Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
    redneck part-time worker responsible for
    cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee,
    like most rednecks, had little sense but
    possessed ample ability to satisfy a
    female of any species.

    The Zoo Keeper thought they might have
    a solution. Bobby Lee was approached
    with a proposition. Would he be willing
    to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

    Bobby Lee showed some interest, but
    said he would have to think the matter
    over carefully. The following day, he
    announced that he would accept their
    offer, but only under five conditions:

    "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna
    kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly
    agreed to this condition.

    "Second", he said, "She must wear a
    'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
    keeper again readily agreed to this
    condition.

    "Third", he said, "you can't never tell no
    one about this." The keeper again
    readily agreed to this condition.

    "And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need
    another week to come up with the $500.00.
    Montana

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1439 on: January 19, 2021, 11:52:30 am »
    a few pics from the interwebs
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1440 on: January 19, 2021, 12:52:29 pm »

    Doug Wojtowicz

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1441 on: January 20, 2021, 03:59:37 pm »
    IllinoisAfter a shooting spree, they want to take the guns away from everyone who didn't do it.

    -William Burroughs

    SJW is not a synonym of "leftists" or "liberals". Left-wing and right-wing positions are based on economics. SJWs are left-authoritarians which means that they are not liberals. Don't paint all leftists or liberals with the same (misguided) brush.

    GlockLobster

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1442 on: January 26, 2021, 04:28:57 pm »


    Okay. Stop me if you've heard this (and you can figure out how to do that on a forum).


     There is a farmer with three daughters. One day all three of them tell him that they each have a date on Friday night.

     The farmer, being concerned that his daughter's dates might try to take advantage of them, decides to meet each of them at the door while holding a shotgun.

     So, Friday night arrives, and at 5PM the door bell rings. The farmer picks up his shotgun, puts on a stern face, and answers the door. He sees a young man standing outside who says "Hi. I'm Eddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for Spaghetti. Is she ready?"

     The farmer decides that the nights activities sound harmless, so he calls Betty and sends the couple on their way.

     At 6PM the door bell rings again. The farmer picks up his shotgun, puts on a stern face, and answers the door. He sees a young man standing outside who says "Hi. I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo'. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?"

     The farmer again decides that the nights activities sound harmless, so he calls Flo' and sends the couple on their way.

     At 7PM the door bell rings again. The farmer picks up his shotgun, puts on a stern face, and answers the door. He sees a young man standing outside who says "Hi. I'm Chuck...  "

     So the farmer shoots him.


    TommyGunn

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1443 on: January 26, 2021, 11:47:58 pm »
     :shrug  That doesn't seem very funny.   Too bad I  couldn't  stop you.  :neener
    "Through ignorance of what is good and what is bad, the life of men is greatly perplexed." ~~ Cicero.

    GlockLobster

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1444 on: January 27, 2021, 09:05:29 am »
    :shrug  That doesn't seem very funny.   Too bad I  couldn't  stop you.  :neener

     Oh! Harsh!

     Tough room.

      :)

    Grognard

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1445 on: January 27, 2021, 05:01:51 pm »
    hey.  I giggled.
    Virginia“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” -Aristotle

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1446 on: January 27, 2021, 10:37:51 pm »
    A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.



    A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."



    A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."


    Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1447 on: January 28, 2021, 06:39:59 pm »
    Husband: Why did you marry me?

    Wife: Because you're so funny.

    Husband: I thought it was because I was so good in bed.

    Wife: See that? You're hilarious!
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1448 on: January 28, 2021, 09:47:24 pm »
    Gamestop
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Grognard

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1449 on: January 28, 2021, 11:24:52 pm »
    what Reddit is doing to Hedgefunds and GameStop at the same time.  :panic :neener :clap :clap :clap
    Virginia“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” -Aristotle

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