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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 319192 times)

lesptr

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1350 on: June 28, 2018, 01:32:45 pm »
Georgia

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    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1351 on: June 28, 2018, 04:20:21 pm »
    Bumper sticker seen in town this week.


    My Child is inmate of the month at the county jail.

     :rotfl
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1352 on: June 28, 2018, 04:40:41 pm »
    lesptr - Justified. There are some things you just don't do in the South...

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1353 on: November 04, 2018, 07:37:55 pm »
    So these two eastern Europeans were camping in Yellowstone National Park, and their campsite was attacked by a bear. The guy from Budapest got away, but the guy from Prague was not so lucky.

    The rangers rounded up three bears in the area -- a large male, a large female, and a smaller female -- and had them in cages. They asked the Hungarian to identify which bear attacked them.

    "I think it was the large female." So the rangers euthanized the large female, and did an autopsy. She wasn't the one. So they asked the Hungarian again.

    "Well, then, it must have been the smaller female." So the rangers euthanized the smaller female, and did an autopsy. She wasn't the one, either. So they euthanized the large male, and found debris in his stomach indicating he was the one who attacked their campsite.

    So they asked the Hungarian, "How did you misidentify the bear? The large male was easy to identify."

    And the Hungarian said, "I didn't think you'd believe me if I said the Czech was in the male."
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1354 on: November 04, 2018, 08:30:11 pm »
     :facepalm
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1355 on: November 04, 2018, 10:52:59 pm »
    That is the worst joke I've heard this week.  Of course its only Sunday evening, but still .  .  .   :facepalm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1356 on: November 22, 2018, 03:06:40 pm »
    a few pics from the interwebs
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1357 on: November 22, 2018, 03:21:46 pm »
     :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1358 on: November 25, 2018, 11:00:56 am »
    So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

    I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store in town. I don't want to mention the name because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Yesterday, I bought something from this store and paid cash for it. I took it home but late last night I found out that it didn't work. So this morning, less than 24 hours later, I returned it asking for a refund. The young Lady at the store told me ‘NO’ even though I had my receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead. She still told me ‘NO’! Seeing as I was not getting anywhere with her, I asked to speak with the manager. I explained to her that I had purchased the item but it didn't work and had ZERO value and even produced my receipt. The manager just smiled and told me ... without missing a beat ... that I was ‘out of luck’ NO refund and NO replacement!”

    Well, I tell you what... I am NEVER buying another lottery ticket at that store again!



    When they start getting the 5-day forecast right then maybe I'll listen to their climate change theories.


    An atheist was sitting on an airplane next to a little girl. He turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go faster when you strike up a conversation with your  fellow passengers.”

    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

    “Oh I don’t know,” Replied the atheist, “How about why there’s no God, or Heaven or Hell, or life after death.” as he smiles smugly…

    “Okay,” She said. “Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. However, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

    To which the little girls replied “Do you really think you’re qualified to have a discussion about God, Heaven, Hell, or life after death, when you clearly don’t know ****?”
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1359 on: November 25, 2018, 06:09:01 pm »
    Good ones.  :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1360 on: November 27, 2018, 02:36:51 pm »
    An English professor was standing in front of their class, and said "There are instances in the English language where a double negative is acceptable, and still means a positive. However, there is no situation where a double positive means a negative."

    From the back of the room, sarcastically: "Yeah, right."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1361 on: November 27, 2018, 11:32:25 pm »
    Which begs the question, what does it mean when a person begins a statement with "Yeah! No!, " and then proceeds as though neither word had any meaning whatsoever ?    :scrutiny
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1362 on: November 28, 2018, 09:01:22 am »
    In most conversations I've seen it used, it basically means "Okay, yeah, I've heard that before, but that's not correct..." and is usually followed by a litany of reasons why.

    Whether or not the litany is accurate is open to debate.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1363 on: November 28, 2018, 05:04:36 pm »
    Maybe.  Seems to me more like putting the mouth in gear before the brain is engaged.   :coffee
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1364 on: July 21, 2019, 06:03:37 pm »
    What's the best music for yardwork?

    Mowtown.
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1365 on: July 21, 2019, 06:17:45 pm »
     :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1366 on: July 22, 2019, 08:53:10 am »
    Maybe.  Seems to me more like putting the mouth in gear before the brain is engaged.   :coffee

    Think of it as a response to the latest internet meme of bum rushing Area 51...

    "Hey, let's charge this highly guarded military installation!"
    "Yeah, no..."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1367 on: July 22, 2019, 05:48:50 pm »
    Point taken but I think they're going to be seriously cheesed off when they find out its a time share sales presentation.  Just sayin' .  .  .   :bash
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1368 on: July 23, 2019, 09:37:11 am »
    Point taken but I think they're going to be seriously cheesed off when they find out its a time share sales presentation.  Just sayin' .  .  .   :bash

    I prefer his response:

    https://www.facebook.com/UNILADTech/videos/2248308678817243/

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1369 on: July 23, 2019, 09:21:03 pm »
    I wonder how many times he had to practice that to get it right?   :coffee
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    cpaspr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1370 on: July 23, 2019, 10:24:43 pm »
    I wonder how many times he had to practice that to get it right?   :coffee

    Watch closely.  There are numerous editing breaks.  He didn't do that in one take.
    Oregon

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1371 on: August 18, 2019, 08:45:24 am »
    Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem. ”
    Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem. ”
    "It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.
    "He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
    "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"
    Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
    "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.
    And you only call me when you want something.
    And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.
    You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.
    It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!
    And do you ever take me for a decent walk?
    NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.
    Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!
    I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

    Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"
    Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1372 on: August 18, 2019, 08:48:35 am »
    Shamelessly stolen from a Facebook group:
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1373 on: August 18, 2019, 01:28:22 pm »
    I like the one about the Jewish dog.  Definitely stealing that one and forwarding it.   :rotfl

    So, if you boil funny bones in a pot of water do you end up with a laughing stock?    :hmm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Plebian

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1374 on: August 27, 2019, 08:45:43 pm »
    Gravity is my least favorite fundamental force, it's always keeping me down and "grounded"

    Now, the strong nuclear force? That keeps me together.

    Oklahoma"If all our problems are solved, we'll find new ones to replace them. If we can't find new ones, we'll make new ones."

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