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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 319981 times)

Kaso

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1300 on: September 20, 2017, 10:13:58 pm »
The biggest Jew joke?  That God would choose them to be his 'chosen people.'  :-\

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    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1301 on: September 20, 2017, 10:22:18 pm »
      In the same way Catholics come up with catholic jokes, Polish for Pollock jokes,etc.  I (being 1/8th jew) have horrific jew jokes as my specialty.   Any of you other holes tell them you're being racist  :neener

    That said I still am unsure if I can post them here.....

    I'll start out with a better one:

     Q: You always heard there's safety in numbers?

      A: Tell that to Six Million Jews.




       FWIW I ran these by my wife and she said I needed to post a disclaimer that she thought ALL of them were terrible and vetoed like two dozen.   :rotfl Her vote was for this clean one:



     Q: Why did Moses and the Jews wander 40 years in the desert?

      A: Someone dropped a quarter.

    I laughed. Now I feel bad  :-[ . Thanks, Grant :hide .
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    Chief45

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1302 on: October 19, 2017, 10:30:10 am »
    how about some lawyer jokes ?

    I'll start.

    ******************************

    how do you get a lawyer out of a tree ? 
    cut the rope.

    *******************************

    Good news, bad news.  difference between a tragedy and a crying shame.

    Tour bus went off the highway, drove off a cliff and crashed into the Pacific ocean.  (oh, that's bad,  no, that's good)
    Driver managed to escape without injury. (oh, that's good, no that's bad)
    48 passengers died. (oh, that's bad, no that's good)
    All 48 passengers were lawyers. (oh, that's bad, no,  that's a crying shame)
    There were 2 empty seats.

    ************************* 
    researchers are using lawyers now instead of white mice / lab rats.
    The scientists don't develop any attachment to the test subjects and there are somethings the rats won't do.

    *****************************************************



    KansasUN-Retired LEO.

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    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1303 on: October 19, 2017, 10:53:39 am »
    researchers are using lawyers now instead of white mice / lab rats.
    The scientists don't develop any attachment to the test subjects and there are somethings the rats won't do.

    I will have to re-tell this one  :rotfl .
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1304 on: October 19, 2017, 12:34:15 pm »
     :thumbup1
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1305 on: October 19, 2017, 06:54:02 pm »
    So, in order to counter the loss of revenue from the viewers tuning out the NFL, the league has decided to consolidate some teams.  The first two teams were the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Green Bay Packers.

    The new team will be called the Bay Tampacks.  Unfortunately, they're only good for one period, and they don't have a second string.
    Alabama"Stand your ground!  Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here!"  Capt. John Parker

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1306 on: October 19, 2017, 06:56:23 pm »
    how about some lawyer jokes ?

    I'll start.

    ******************************

    how do you get a lawyer out of a tree ? 
    cut the rope.

    *******************************

    Good news, bad news.  difference between a tragedy and a crying shame.

    Tour bus went off the highway, drove off a cliff and crashed into the Pacific ocean.  (oh, that's bad,  no, that's good)
    Driver managed to escape without injury. (oh, that's good, no that's bad)
    48 passengers died. (oh, that's bad, no that's good)
    All 48 passengers were lawyers. (oh, that's bad, no,  that's a crying shame)
    There were 2 empty seats.

    ************************* 
    researchers are using lawyers now instead of white mice / lab rats.
    The scientists don't develop any attachment to the test subjects and there are somethings the rats won't do.

    *****************************************************

    They say that 99.785% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    Alabama"Stand your ground!  Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here!"  Capt. John Parker

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1307 on: October 19, 2017, 07:22:44 pm »
    Just let it go .  .  . he's on a roll .  .  .   :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1308 on: October 19, 2017, 07:29:54 pm »
    Just let it go .  .  . he's on a roll .  .  .   :cool
    :clap :clap :clap
     :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

    I think that was funnier than the original joke, no offence intended toward the OP!
    Alabama"Stand your ground!  Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here!"  Capt. John Parker

    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1309 on: October 28, 2017, 11:38:52 am »


    Not so much a joke, but it seems that every comedian eventually talks about the topic of men and women in relationships. I've listened to many other comedians tell it before, but this one had it's own unique take.
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1310 on: October 29, 2017, 01:56:42 am »
    Yup.  I laughed.   :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1311 on: November 16, 2017, 08:55:45 pm »
    Don't recall seeing this one on here.  If you ever lived in the northern part of the midwest, you're familiar with Sven-and-Ole jokes, I'm sure.

    So, Ole decides one day that he's going to go to Minneapolis to see his cousin, and he calls the airline ticket office and asks "So, how long is it, the flight from Fargo to Minneapolis?"

    The agent says "Just a minute."

    Ole says "Oh, no, if it's that damn fast, I'll yust take de bus!"
    Alabama"Stand your ground!  Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here!"  Capt. John Parker

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1312 on: November 16, 2017, 09:38:00 pm »
     :thumbup1   And then there's the one about the time those two actually made it on to the plane.  They were taxiing toward the runway when the pilot came over the intercomm, welcomed all aboard and asked them to join the crew in a moment of silence for the pre-flight prayer.  Sven looks at Ole and whispers, "Father, Son and Holy Ghost may we land in Duluth or pretty close.  Amen. ".   
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Mikee5star

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1313 on: November 16, 2017, 11:41:58 pm »
    I grew up with Sven and Ole jokes but had never heard either of those. I will remember those to tell my dad.
    Alaska

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1314 on: November 17, 2017, 12:51:30 am »
    Sven was in town one day walking down the street when who should he see but his friend Ole driving a brand new Chevrolet.  "Hey Ole! Ver did you get dat new car?"  Ole grinned and said, "Lena gave it to me!". 

     Sven scratches his head and says, "Vell, I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"  "Yup." says Ole.  "It vas da darndest ting, Sven.  Ve vas drivin' down county road 6 out in da middle o' nowhere when she pulled off da road into da woods, stopped da car, got out and took all her clothes off and says "Take vateffer you vant Ole!".  So I took da car. ".   

    Sven says, "You're a smart man Ole.  Dem clothes voulda neffer fit you!"
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1315 on: November 17, 2017, 06:18:35 pm »
    Sven was in town one day walking down the street when who should he see but his friend Ole driving a brand new Chevrolet.  "Hey Ole! Ver did you get dat new car?"  Ole grinned and said, "Lena gave it to me!". 

     Sven scratches his head and says, "Vell, I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"  "Yup." says Ole.  "It vas da darndest ting, Sven.  Ve vas drivin' down county road 6 out in da middle o' nowhere when she pulled off da road into da woods, stopped da car, got out and took all her clothes off and says "Take vateffer you vant Ole!".  So I took da car. ".   

    Sven says, "You're a smart man Ole.  Dem clothes voulda neffer fit you!"

     :rotfl
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    First Shirt

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1316 on: December 21, 2017, 08:53:17 pm »
    I stole this one from somewhere, but I got the serial numbers off of it, so it's okay!

    Three military pilots got killed on Christmas Eve, and found themselves in front of St. Peter at The Pearly Gates.  Peter says "In honor of this special season, if you have one thing on you that is symbolic of Christmas, I'll let you in."

    They think for a bit, and the Army pilot pulls out a lighter, lights it, and says "It's a candle!"

    Peter says "Well, it does make a light, so you can come in."

    The Air Force pilot pulls out a ring of keys, and rattles them.  "These are bells!" he says.

    Peter says, "Well, they do jingle, so you can come in as well."

    The Navy pilot thinks for a bit, and suddenly reaches into a pocket, where he pulls out a pair of lacy, skimpy, ladies' panties.

    Peter frowns, and says "How does this symbolize the holiday season?"

    Smiling proudly, the pilot says, "These are Carol's!"
    Alabama"Stand your ground!  Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here!"  Capt. John Parker

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1317 on: December 21, 2017, 09:09:39 pm »
    I stole this one from somewhere, but I got the serial numbers off of it, so it's okay!

    Three military pilots got killed on Christmas Eve, and found themselves in front of St. Peter at The Pearly Gates.  Peter says "In honor of this special season, if you have one thing on you that is symbolic of Christmas, I'll let you in."

    They think for a bit, and the Army pilot pulls out a lighter, lights it, and says "It's a candle!"

    Peter says "Well, it does make a light, so you can come in."

    The Air Force pilot pulls out a ring of keys, and rattles them.  "These are bells!" he says.

    Peter says, "Well, they do jingle, so you can come in as well."

    The Navy pilot thinks for a bit, and suddenly reaches into a pocket, where he pulls out a pair of lacy, skimpy, ladies' panties.

    Peter frowns, and says "How does this symbolize the holiday season?"

    Smiling proudly, the pilot says, "These are Carol's!"

     :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl  :thumbup1

    Her britches are in a better place now.
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1318 on: March 05, 2018, 11:59:18 pm »
    Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

    Mary stands up, blushing. "Mrs. Samson, I don't think you should be asking those kinds of questions," she says. "I'm going to tell the principal and tonight I'm going to tell my parents. We shouldn't be discussing this kind of thing in class."

    Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks if anyone else in class can answer the question. This time Sam raises his hand. "The answer is the pupil of the human eye, Mrs. Sampson."

    "Very good, Sam. Thank you."

    Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

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    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1319 on: March 06, 2018, 12:44:47 am »
     :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1320 on: March 06, 2018, 02:30:17 pm »
    Nice.   :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1321 on: March 06, 2018, 09:36:04 pm »
    Not only did I laugh out loud, so did the Mrs. when I told it to her.
    Alaska

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1322 on: March 11, 2018, 01:23:52 pm »
    Controlling Squirrels.

    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

    At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

    The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

    The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

    The Jewish synagogue had the best solution of all.
    They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
    They haven't seen a squirrel since.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1323 on: March 11, 2018, 01:53:31 pm »
     :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1324 on: March 11, 2018, 02:37:19 pm »
     :thumbup1
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

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