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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 332972 times)

Kaso

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1225 on: April 26, 2017, 09:51:50 am »
We seriously need to revive this thread.  Slightly off-color, but not too objectionable:

Q: Why do Jews have such large noses?
A: Because air is free.

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    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1226 on: April 26, 2017, 12:04:22 pm »
    Fun trivia fact of the day: Mel Brooks has gone on record as saying that joke is the basis of President Skroob's evil plan in "Spaceballs."

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    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1227 on: April 28, 2017, 09:42:56 pm »
    This has probably been posted before (possibly by me) but here it goes again:


    A nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. She groans and says, "Oh great. Some @$$hole's got my pen."
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1228 on: April 28, 2017, 10:09:24 pm »
     :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1229 on: April 28, 2017, 10:17:23 pm »
    This has probably been posted before (possibly by me) but here it goes again:


    A nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. She groans and says, "Oh great. Some @$$hole's got my pen."

    :thumbup1

    Most nurses tend to carry a black sharpie with them during their shift, but why do blonde nurses carry red sharpies?

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    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

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    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1230 on: April 28, 2017, 10:19:12 pm »
     :facepalm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Mikee5star

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1231 on: April 28, 2017, 11:05:43 pm »
    :thumbup1

    Most nurses tend to carry a black sharpie with them during their shift, but why do blonde nurses carry red sharpies?

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    Is it bad that I thought of a specific nurse when I read that joke.   >:D
    Alaska

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1232 on: April 28, 2017, 11:35:07 pm »
    Is it bad that I thought of a specific nurse when I read that joke.   >:D

    No, not at all. Hell, I have a list of one's I do and don't want to take care of me if I ever randomly need to be in the hospital.

    "Look nurse ____, I like you as a person I just don't want you anywhere near me if I am circling the drain."  :neener
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    Kaso

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1233 on: April 28, 2017, 11:40:21 pm »
    No, not at all. Hell, I have a list of one's I do and don't want to take care of me if I ever randomly need to be in the hospital.

    "Look nurse ____, I like you as a person I just don't want you anywhere near me if I am circling the drain."  :neener
    My father actually has a list of us children that he definitely does not want caring for him in his old age.  Surprisingly, I am one of the few not on that list.  Which is a joke in itself...

    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1234 on: April 28, 2017, 11:47:14 pm »
    My father actually has a list of us children that he definitely does not want caring for him in his old age.  Surprisingly, I am one of the few not on that list.  Which is a joke in itself...

    It's because you have a caregiver streak that is a mile wide  ;).
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1235 on: May 10, 2017, 07:53:07 pm »
    Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

    So they don't get mistaken for feminists.
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1236 on: May 11, 2017, 01:17:14 am »
     :facepalm .  .  .  :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    Plebian

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1237 on: May 12, 2017, 10:47:08 pm »
    Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

    So they don't get mistaken for feminists.

    It is also why they do not dye their hair blue, or they would get mistaken for feminists all the time.
    Oklahoma"If all our problems are solved, we'll find new ones to replace them. If we can't find new ones, we'll make new ones."

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1238 on: May 12, 2017, 10:48:21 pm »
    Oklahoma"If all our problems are solved, we'll find new ones to replace them. If we can't find new ones, we'll make new ones."

    Kaso

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1239 on: May 12, 2017, 11:40:23 pm »

    Properly cooked to destroy parasites and disease, she/he/it/xhe/they/whateverthehell would feed a medium sized African village.  :coffee

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1240 on: May 13, 2017, 11:20:19 am »
    The lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting.
    When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client: "I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
    The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day. Let's hear the good news first.”

    The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $3 million.”

    The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done - very good news indeed! You've just made my day. Now what’s the bad news?”

    The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary.”
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1241 on: May 13, 2017, 11:22:00 am »
     My New Reality

    It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.

    The following is a recap of my current identity:

    I was born a white male, which makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist. I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe. I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

    I believe in the Judeo/Christian schools of religion, which makes me an infidel. I am older than 60 and somewhat retired, which makes me a useless old man. I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.

    I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

    I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-socialist. I acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.

    I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist. Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!

    And my newest problem – I'm not sure which bathroom I should use.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1242 on: May 14, 2017, 01:08:52 am »
    Properly cooked to destroy parasites and disease, she/he/it/xhe/they/whateverthehell would feed a medium sized African village.  :coffee
    I'm not entirely certain but that might qualify as an M.R.E.  -   ( meal rejected by Ethiopians  ) 
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1243 on: May 14, 2017, 02:10:32 am »
    Harry Reid and his chauffeur on the way back to Searchlight, Nevada .  .  . 

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    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1244 on: June 05, 2017, 11:36:58 pm »
    What if Cinderella's evil stepmother and stepsisters hadn't forced her to clean and sleep in the fireplace, but instead had forced her make cheese for them?




    Then she'd have been Mozzarella.
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

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    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    Kaso

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1245 on: June 06, 2017, 12:10:37 am »
     :thumbup1

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1246 on: June 12, 2017, 12:58:37 am »
     :facepalm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Chief45

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1247 on: June 12, 2017, 12:08:37 pm »
    Older couple, man and wife (have to specify that these days  :facepalm) riding around in the pickup truck, he's driving and she's riding shotgun.

    Wife looks at her husband and starts in.  Remember when we first started going out and when we were first married.  We used to sit close together, cuddle, held hands, talked and, well,  we were close. What happened to that? what happened to us?

    husband looks at his wife.















    I ain't moved.

    KansasUN-Retired LEO.

    Non Timebo Mala . . . . . . . I will fear no evil. . .

    It is what it is. . . . . .It's All Good.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1248 on: June 13, 2017, 06:40:57 pm »
     :hmm .  .  .   :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1249 on: June 14, 2017, 05:00:41 pm »
    'ware the festive dog and skid demon
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

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