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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 319194 times)

coelacanth

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1175 on: May 28, 2015, 09:56:06 pm »
 :clap
Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                               Benjamin Franklin

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    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1176 on: June 07, 2015, 03:27:26 pm »

    EVER WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN?

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

    A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing.. your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral on him.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

    A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

    A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral on him.



    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband doesn't know where my c******s is.

    A: Your c******s is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.



    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

    A: I'm not sure I understand the problem.



    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

    A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral on him
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1177 on: June 07, 2015, 10:02:07 pm »
     :cool  Reminds me of the old John Prine song, "Dear Abby" .   
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1178 on: June 10, 2015, 07:15:43 am »
    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a distinguished man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

     The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5 and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

     The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman from the U.S.Government", says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

     "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

    “Now give me back my dog.”
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1179 on: June 16, 2015, 10:21:00 pm »
    A New Englander in New Mexico...

    "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 -- No report.

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1180 on: June 16, 2015, 10:24:36 pm »
    And apparently, he acquired a taste for it...

    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my Lord', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Food Town. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1181 on: June 17, 2015, 01:54:48 am »
    Two police cars were dispatched to a 911 call of a domestic disturbance with shot fired.  Upon arriving at the scene four officers with weapons drawn approached the residence to assess the situation.  They found a man dead inside the house and his wife claimed she had shot him because he walked across her freshly mopped floor.

    One officer radioed back to the police station with a situation report :

    "Sarge, this is Donaldson.  Looks like we have a homicide here."

    "What happened?"

    "The wife says she shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor."

    "Good God!  Have you placed her under arrest?"

    "No sir, the floor is still wet."
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1182 on: June 17, 2015, 01:09:12 pm »
    A professor asked a question in a test:

    Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

    The student’s answer:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1183 on: June 17, 2015, 05:40:13 pm »
    You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by her hands.
    If they are around your throat, something's usually wrong.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1184 on: June 20, 2015, 12:16:34 pm »


    The Last Kiss

    Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

    George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

    "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

    "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

    It's still unclear whether "she" jumped or was pushed.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1185 on: June 30, 2015, 10:26:56 pm »
    5 Minute Management Course

    Lesson 1:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

    Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

    'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

    'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


    Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


    Lesson 2:

    A priest offered a Nun a lift..

    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident.

    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


    Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


    Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

    They rub it and a Genie comes out.

    he Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

    'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

    Puff! She's gone.

    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

    Puff! He's gone.

    'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..

    The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

    Lesson 4


    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

    The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


    Lesson 5

    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

    'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


    Moral of the story: Bull ***t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


    Lesson 6

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

    The dung was actually thawing him out!

    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


    Morals of the story:

    (1) Not everyone who s***s on you is your enemy.
    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend.
    (3) And when you're in deep s**t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


    THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
    __________________
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1186 on: July 01, 2015, 02:50:45 am »
    Nice.   :cool
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Langenator

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1187 on: July 01, 2015, 09:43:33 am »
    Facebooked.
    TexasFortuna Fortis Paratus

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1188 on: July 05, 2015, 08:49:21 pm »
    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please
    come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I
    can't figure out how to get started."

    Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the
    box, it's a rooster."

    Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all
    over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
    to her and says,
    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
    assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.
    Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Outbreak

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1189 on: July 06, 2015, 09:38:23 am »
    :rotfl

    Good clean jokes are rare anymore.
    TexasOutbreak

    I take my coffee black...like my rifles.

    I absolutely despise Glocks. That's why I only own two.

    I'm glad that your chains rest lightly upon you. --JesseL

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1190 on: July 13, 2015, 10:17:48 pm »
    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories.
    "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
    "Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy.
    She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
    "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
    "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."


    "Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your Daddy give you from this story?"

    "Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1191 on: July 13, 2015, 10:19:30 pm »
    Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate
    on.

    The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
    because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

    The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers.
    Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at
    the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
    wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt
    are interchangeable.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1192 on: July 13, 2015, 10:21:27 pm »
    Did you ever wonder what it takes to make up 100% in life?
    Ever have a boss who wants you to give more than 100%?
    Here's indisputable math logic.
    If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented by
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
    Then KNOWLEDGE IS
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5= 96%
    And HARD WORK is
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11= 98%
    And ATTITUDE is
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%
    But BULLs___ is
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20= 103%
    And ASS KISSING is
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7= 118%
    So we can see that while knowledge and hard work will get you close and attitude will get you there, bulls___ing and ass kissing will always put you over the top.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1193 on: July 13, 2015, 10:32:35 pm »
     :clap
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1194 on: August 19, 2015, 12:39:17 pm »
    >> A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
    >> balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde girl
    >>
    >> The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
    >> Finally, after many glances from her,
    >> he said, "It's golf balls."
    >>
    >> The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
    >> deeply about what he had said.
    >>
    >> After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
    >> longer, she asked,
    >>
    >> "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"



     Airplane Food - True Story

    Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow,  the lead flight attendant  for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up, one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and  inconvenience."

     When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is  kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

    Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1195 on: August 19, 2015, 12:56:48 pm »
     :rotfl

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1196 on: September 16, 2015, 06:59:36 am »


    Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...                                                                   
     
    Sergeant: What is her height?
     
    Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
     
    Sergeant: Weight?
     
    Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
     
    Sergeant: Color of eyes?
     
    Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
     
    Sergeant: Color of hair?
     
    Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
     
    Sergeant: What was she wearing?
     
    Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
     
    Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
     
    Husband: She went in my truck.
     
    Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
     
    Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
     
    At this point the husband started choking up. . . . .
     
    Sergeant: Don't worry, buddy. We'll find your truck.




    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1197 on: October 30, 2015, 08:54:19 pm »
    random observations:

    The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

    My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

    My 55 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.

    I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

    I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

    Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.

    The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the s*** storm that's coming.

    Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!

    If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!

    The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

    On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week;
    whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.

    I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

    I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

    What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?

    When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1198 on: November 01, 2015, 02:41:07 pm »
    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
    She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
    “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
    “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
    “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
    “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
    __________________
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1199 on: November 01, 2015, 03:09:32 pm »
    Deja Moo is the eerie feeling you get when you listen to a politician and think you've heard this bulls**t before.

    Santa's seigh being an aircraft (of sorts), he has to have a pilot's license, and has to get it renewed regularly. The flight instructor climbed into the Sleigh, carrying a big sack. Santa asked him, "What's in the sack?" The instructor says, "I can't tell you." Santa told him that he wasn't moving till he knew what was in it, so the instructor opens the sack and pulls out a 30.06. Santa asked him what the rifle was for and the instructor replied that he couldn't say anything until they were in the air. Santa starts getting mad and says,"If you don't tell me what that rifle is for, you, your wife, and your entire family will never, EVER, get another Christmas present." And the instructor replies,"I'm supposed to see how you handle loosing an engine in flight."


    Terrorists have started to target supermarkets. A bomb was found in a Wal-Mart this morning behind the alphabet spaghetti-o's. Experts said if it had gone off it could have spelled disaster.


    A man was visiting an indian reservation and got talking to an old chief of the tribe. "What is your wife's name, Two Eagles?" asked the man. "My wifes name is Five Horses" said the chief.
    I have heard there is usually a reason for what an indian is called said the man . "What is the reason for your wife's name?"
    "NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG" said the chief.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

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