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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 332961 times)

Stevie-Ray

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1150 on: December 30, 2014, 07:43:04 pm »
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......



You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even
Have to like 'em!



We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the
bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my
wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for
the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out
soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I
said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b____ was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in
a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.
MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

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    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1151 on: December 31, 2014, 09:34:25 pm »
    A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an CAD monkey please."

    The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

    Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

    The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in CAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."

    The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

    "Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

    The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

    The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."





    « Last Edit: December 31, 2014, 09:48:05 pm by aikorob »
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    jamisjockey

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1152 on: January 01, 2015, 08:01:15 pm »
    "GIVE IT TO ME!" My wife shouted "I'M SO WET! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!"
    "NO!" I shouted back...."GET YOUR OWN DAMN UMBRELLA!"
    TexasJason D

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1153 on: January 01, 2015, 11:18:34 pm »
    Obama looked at Michelle,
    chuckled and said, “You
    know, I could throw a $1,000
    bill out of the window right
    now and make somebody
    very happy.” Michelle
    shrugged her shoulders and
    replied, “I could throw ten
    $100 bills out of the window
    and make ten people very
    happy.” Hearing their
    exchange, the pilot of the
    plane said to his co-pilot,
    “Such big-shots back there. I
    could throw both of them out
    of the window and make
    256 million people very
    happy!”
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    alone

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1154 on: January 01, 2015, 11:50:29 pm »
    10 Facts About You:

    1. You're reading this now.
    2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
    4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
    5. You're checking now.
    6. You're smiling.
    7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
    9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
    10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
    11. You're enjoying this.
    12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
    None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.

    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1155 on: January 02, 2015, 12:06:45 pm »
    Since it skipped 3 & 8, it *is* 10 facts... ;)


    Sent from my iPad using a bunch of electrons, copper, and probably some fiber optic cable

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1156 on: January 03, 2015, 01:10:20 am »
    I recently spent $8,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

    The bull started to service all the cows within two days, every last one of them! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a f***ing machine! I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him.

    But they taste kind of like peppermint.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    alone

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1157 on: January 03, 2015, 08:28:08 am »
    Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
    Student: "Meat!"
    Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
    Student: "Bacon!"
    Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
    Student: "Homework!"
    None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.

    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1158 on: January 03, 2015, 01:54:01 pm »
    “Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Halloween party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    “Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

    “‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’

    “He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son… What happened last night’
     
    “‘Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell on the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

    “Confused, he asked his son,’So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?’

    “His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’

    “Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirin: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time…PRICELESS!!!”
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1159 on: January 12, 2015, 02:26:30 pm »
    Having arrived at the gates of heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.

    “Are you Muhammad?” he asks. “No my son, I am St. Peter; Muhammad is higher up.” Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

    Delighted that Muhammad should be higher than St. Peter; Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbing up through the clouds and coming into a room where he meets another bearded man.

    He asks again, “Are you Muhammad?”

    “Why no,” he answers, “I am Moses; Muhammad is higher still.”

    Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Muhammad?”

    “No, I am Jesus, the Christ … you will find Muhammad higher up.”

    Muhammad higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

    “Are you Muhammad?” he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

    “No, my son … I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?”

    Obama says, “Yes please!” God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: “Hey Muhammad — two coffees!”
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1160 on: January 12, 2015, 05:35:43 pm »
    Life on the edge - by Stevie-Ray.     :clap
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    alone

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1161 on: January 15, 2015, 12:12:59 am »
    Food

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
    None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.

    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1162 on: February 17, 2015, 06:48:43 pm »
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1163 on: February 20, 2015, 11:43:40 am »
     Old and modernized.......

    Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

    He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

    “Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

    Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?”

    The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

    The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”

    Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”

    The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
     Who is it?”

    Without pausing for a moment, Cameron answered, “That would be me.”

    “Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

    Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

    “I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

    Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, “Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

    Sarah Palin answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

    Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

    “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle . . . It’s Sarah Palin!”

    Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s not Sarah Palin . . .

     It’s David Cameron!”
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1164 on: February 22, 2015, 12:07:12 pm »
    Hollywood Squares:
    These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
    Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


    Q..
    Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

    (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

    Q..
    Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q.
    If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..

    Q.
    True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q.
    You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

    Q.
    According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

    Q.
    Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

    Q.
    In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

    Q.
    What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
    A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q.
    As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

    Q..
    Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q..
    Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q.
    In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q.
    It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

    Q.
    During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q.
    Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q.
    When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q.
    If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

    Q.
    According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the NAVY

    Q.
    It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

    Q.
    Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q.
    Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q.
    When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

    Q.
    Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
    What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q.
    According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1165 on: February 22, 2015, 09:20:37 pm »
    I actually remember some of those.   :rotfl   Used to love that show.    :thumbup1
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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1166 on: February 23, 2015, 12:06:05 am »
    That show was always good for a laugh, and (as you can see) can get pretty raunchy.  I'm amazed some of it made it by the censors!

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1167 on: March 10, 2015, 01:21:26 pm »
    Obamacare explained in anecdote.

    Only weeks after leaving office on Jan. 20, 2017, former President Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Troy the Plumber to come out and fix it.

    Troy drives to Obama’s new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago where all the residents have a net income of way more than $250,000 per year.

    Troy arrives and takes his tools into the house. He is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assesses the problem and tells Obama that it’s an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Troy how much it will cost. Troy checks his rate chart and says, “$9,500.”
    “What?! $9,500?!” Obama asks, stunned, “But you said it’s an easy repair. Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!”

    Troy says, “Yes, but what I do is charge those who make more than $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free. This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It’s known as the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014′. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it.”

    In spite of that, Obama tells Troy there’s no way he’s paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Troy leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Troy’s price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes un-repaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink.

    Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there’s a risk the room will flood, so Obama calls Troy and pleads with him to return.

    Troy goes back to Obama’s house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says, “Let’s see, this will now cost you $21,000.”

    Obama quickly fires back, “What? A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!”

    Troy explains, “Well, because of the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act,’ a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There’s a long waiting list of those who need repairs, but the amount we get doesn’t cover our costs, especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they’re not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can’t make any money at it. I’m hurting too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won’t pay their ‘fair share’. On the other hand, why didn’t you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought plumbing insurance available under the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act,’ all this would have been covered by your policy.”

    “You mean I wouldn’t have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing problem?” asks Obama.

    “Well, not exactly,” replies Troy. “You would have had to buy the insurance before the deadline, which has passed now. And, because you’re rich, you would have had to pay $34,000 in premiums, which would have given you a ‘silver’ plan, and then, since this would have been your first repair, you would have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible, and anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay, and then there’s the mandatory maintenance program, which is covered up to 17.5%, so there are some costs involved. Nothing is for free.”

    “WHAT?!” exclaims Obama. “Why so much for a puny sink leak?!”

    With a bland look, Troy replies, “Well, paperwork, mostly, like I said. And the internal cost of the program itself. You don’t think a program of this complexity and scope can run itself, do you? Besides, there are millions of folks with lower incomes than you, even many in the ‘middle class’, who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support. That’s why they call it the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act’! Only people who don’t make much money can afford it. If you want affordable plumbing, you’ll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your and Michelle’s income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to get your ‘Fair Share’ instead of giving it.”

    “But who would pass a crazy act like the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act’?!” exclaims the exasperated Obama.

    After a sigh, Troy replies, “Congress… because they didn’t read it.”
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1168 on: March 10, 2015, 10:41:53 pm »
    MSNBC is reporting that Luigi D'Antonio, the Ringling Brothers' world-famous human cannonball, announced his retirement today at age 49. When asked if there were any plans to continue the act without Mr. D'Antonio, the Ringling Brother's director, was quoted as saying, "I don't know if anyone can replace him. It's hard to find a man of that caliber."
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1169 on: March 25, 2015, 09:22:55 pm »
    The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
    well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?' she
    asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

    'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
    prefer someone else,' Said the madam.

    'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply.

    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
    $5,000 visit.

    Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
    them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

    After an hour, the man calmly left.

    The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

    Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -
    too expensive, and there were no discounts.
    The price was still $5,000.

    Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went
    upstairs.
    After an hour, he left.
    The following night the man was there again.

    Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive
    night,
    but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

    After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been
    with
    me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

    The man replied, 'South Carolina.'

    'Really' she said. 'I have family in South Carolina.'

    'I know,' the man said 'Your father died, and I am your sister's
    attorney.
    She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

    The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
    1. Death
    2. Taxes
    3. Being screwed by a lawyer
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1170 on: March 25, 2015, 09:23:33 pm »
    .
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1171 on: March 25, 2015, 09:59:47 pm »
     :rotfl  Good ones. 
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1172 on: April 13, 2015, 11:43:05 am »
    None of his classmates liked him be   because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, " You're driving me mad, Tyrone".

    One day Tyrone 's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.  The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and   that she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

     

    The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

     

    Twenty Five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease.  All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.

     

    Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.  When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.  She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.  Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

     

    The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Tyrone.  Tyrone was working as a janitor in the clinic and had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

    Don't tell me you actually thought Tyrone had become a Heart Surgeon?
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1173 on: April 13, 2015, 07:35:27 pm »
     :shocked  .  .  .  :facepalm   .  .  .    :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1174 on: May 28, 2015, 08:30:35 pm »

    Stop thinking of yourself as an ugly person.
    Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!

    The first 40 years of childhood are always
    the hardest!

    You know that little thing in your head that
    stops you from saying things you shouldn't?
    Yeah, I don't have one of those.

    I never thought I would be the person who
    gets up early in the morning to work out.
    I was right

    If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that
    mean that 1 out of 5 people enjoy it?

    If a man says you're ugly, he's being mean
    If a woman says you're ugly she's being jealous
    If a little kid says you're ugly, then you are ugly.

    People need to stop putting flyers on my car.
    As if I would really want to see a band called
    Parking violation at the court house.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

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