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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 319995 times)

booksmart

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1125 on: July 27, 2014, 11:04:06 pm »
Well, with all the drinking Thor did...

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    coyotesfan97

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1126 on: August 01, 2014, 12:27:03 am »


    The Gunfighter. Hilarious but NSFW
    ArizonaThe bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.  Thucydides 471BC

    "Hey!  Let's be careful out there." Sgt Phil Esterhaus played by Michael Conrad

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1127 on: August 03, 2014, 11:07:08 am »
    A cop is working 3rd shift. He decides to drive up to Lookout Point to see if any funny business is happening. Once he arrives he sees 1 car. He shuts the lights off and pulls behind the parked car. He gets out of his patrol car, slowly walks up to the parked car and notices a male in the driver's seat and a female in the back seat. Curious about what could be going he notices the male reading a magazine and the female knitting a sweater! He walks up to the window and wraps on the glass.

    The driver rolls down the window and says "Yes Officer?"
    "What are you doing young man?"
    "Why reading a Sports Illustrated Sir."
    "And the girl in the back?"
    "Why she's knitting a sweater isn't it obvious?"

    Well this is the strangest situation the cop has come across in a long time. He decides to get to the bottom of it.

    "Son, how old are you?"
    "I am 21 Sir."
    "And the girl?"
    The boy looks at his watch and says "In 11 minutes she'll be 18."
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1128 on: August 03, 2014, 11:36:11 am »
    While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
    The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
    The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

    The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
    The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
    The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
    The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis..!”

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate..!”
    “Oh, thank God..!” the man exclaims.
    “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself..!”
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1129 on: August 03, 2014, 11:37:10 am »
    A Harley rider is passing the National Zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

    Suddenly, a huge, hungry lion reaches out and grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside his cage.

    The biker jumps off his Harley, sprints past the little girl’s screaming parents to the cage and punches the lion square on the nose.

    The stunned lion releases the little girl and staggers backward, whimpering in pain. The biker snatches the little girl back to safety and returns her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.

    A reporter for the Washington Post witnessed the whole event. “Sir,” he says to the Harley rider, “that was the bravest, most gallant thing I’ve seen a man do in my entire life.’

    “Why, it was nothing, really,” says the Harley rider modestly. “The lion was behind bars. I saw this little girl in danger and I just reacted instinctively.”

    “Well, I’ll make sure your heroism won’t go unnoticed,” the reporter responds. “I’m a reporter for the Washington Post and I’ll make sure this story is on the front page of tomorrow’s paper. Tell me what do you do for a living and what political affiliation is.”

    “I’m a U.S. Marine,” the biker says proudly, “and a Republican.”

    The journalist leaves.

    The following morning the biker buys the Washington Post to see news of his actions and sees this headline on the front page:

    US MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1130 on: August 16, 2014, 12:43:01 pm »

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate..!”
    “Oh, thank God..!” the man exclaims.
    “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself..!”
    Flip Wilson back in the 60s. His was a little less risque though, and involved an arm and "Doctor Freddie."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1131 on: August 22, 2014, 10:07:58 am »
    I was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where was I going at that time of night.
    I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
    The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
    I told him, "That would be my wife."
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1132 on: August 29, 2014, 01:05:14 pm »

    The 11th Husband ...
    A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
    "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
    "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "
    "Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
    "Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
    "Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method."
    "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
    "Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
    "Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it."
    "Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it."
    "Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it . . . G-d, how I miss him!"
    "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited . . ."
    "Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?"
    "You're with the GOVERNMENT!"
    This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1133 on: August 29, 2014, 07:16:33 pm »
    The husband looks crestfallen "But I'm a Senator's aide - he'll get to screw you, and I'll get blamed for it!"

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1134 on: September 09, 2014, 11:02:34 pm »
    Alan Davies tells it better than I do, so I'll just leave this here. Possibly (probably) NSFW, so be careful.

    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

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    PatCarver

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1135 on: September 10, 2014, 01:09:03 am »
    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, ...I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "That was amazing. I have never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty five years."

    Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing. "


    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1136 on: September 10, 2014, 09:49:21 pm »
     :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1137 on: September 11, 2014, 01:39:00 pm »
    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "That was amazing. I have never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty five years."

    Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing. "


    Post #519, 2-19-11  Appears this thread is getting too long to avoid doubles.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    alone

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1138 on: September 11, 2014, 05:34:27 pm »
         Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. -Dave Barry
    None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.

    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

    alone

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1139 on: September 11, 2014, 06:25:43 pm »



    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? -George Carlin


    None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.

    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

    PatCarver

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1140 on: September 12, 2014, 01:16:02 am »
    Post #519, 2-19-11  Appears this thread is getting too long to avoid doubles.

    Well, like they say, there are no truly new jokes.  I admit that I did not look through all 1100 entries to check if this had been posted before.
    Is there a way to search for words or phrases in a thread so that I can avoid this in the future?

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1141 on: September 18, 2014, 09:03:56 pm »
    A guy at a gym is struggling to lift some weights back onto a rest.  A scrawny guy passes by.  In desperation the guy struggling to lift those weights before they crush his neck says 'little help, please?"  The scrawny guy extends his right pinky finger and with the tip lifts the weights up and onto the rest.  The guy who'd been struggling is astonished.  "How do you have that much strength in your right arm?"  The scrawny guys point across to the gym to where a stunning brunette and gorgeous redhead are working out, the gaze of every man and a few of the women upon them.  "See those two" says the scrawny guy.  "I live with them.  And that's all I do with them."
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1142 on: December 09, 2014, 06:04:52 pm »
    a little on the risque side:

    1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
     
    2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
     
    3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
     
    4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
     
    AND
     
    5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1143 on: December 09, 2014, 06:21:08 pm »
    a PSA for everyone
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1144 on: December 18, 2014, 03:08:44 pm »
    4 Hour Problem Solved (Hope not a repeat)?



    You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
     
    I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

    She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

    I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

    The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

    When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
     
    * 1/3 ownership in the store,
    * a company pickup truck,
    * a king size bed and
    * $3,000 a month in living expenses."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1145 on: December 23, 2014, 11:32:39 pm »
    4 Hour Problem Solved (Hope not a repeat)?



    You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
     
    I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

    She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

    I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

    The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

    When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
     
    * 1/3 ownership in the store,
    * a company pickup truck,
    * a king size bed and
    * $3,000 a month in living expenses."

     :rotfl

    I've never heard that one before.
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1146 on: December 26, 2014, 02:30:19 pm »
    A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.
    Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
    He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?
    Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’
    He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1147 on: December 26, 2014, 03:47:03 pm »
    A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.
    Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
    He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?
    Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’
    He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

    :rotfl

    *runs off to retell this one immmediately*
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1148 on: December 28, 2014, 02:51:57 pm »
    Woman:
     Do you drink beer?

      Man:
     Yes

     Woman:
     How many beers a day?

      Man:
    Usually about 3

     Woman:
     How much do you pay per beer?

      Man:
     $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

      Woman:
     And how long have you been drinking?

      Man:
     About 20 years, I suppose

      Woman:
     So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it
    would be approximately $5400 correct?

      Man:
     Correct

      Woman:
     If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

     Man:
     Correct

     Woman:
     Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a savings account and after
    accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

      Man:
     Do you drink beer?

      Woman:
     No

      Man:
     Where's your Ferrari?

    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Mikee5star

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1149 on: December 29, 2014, 09:46:35 pm »
    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
    The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
    The man replied...
    "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
    Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
    BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

    ..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
    Alaska

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