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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 391732 times)

Outbreak

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1075 on: October 10, 2013, 10:47:31 am »
I don't care what it's called, I'm not happy about subsidizing anyone's retirement but my own. ^not funny
TexasOutbreak

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I absolutely despise Glocks. That's why I only own two.

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    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1076 on: October 24, 2013, 07:35:43 pm »
    Hmmm......did Buzz Killington torpedo the joke thread?
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    Outbreak

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1077 on: October 24, 2013, 10:47:38 pm »
    Just pointing out that the post was unfunny.
    TexasOutbreak

    I take my coffee black...like my rifles.

    I absolutely despise Glocks. That's why I only own two.

    I'm glad that your chains rest lightly upon you. --JesseL

    Mikee5star

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1078 on: November 04, 2013, 01:30:24 am »
    Perspectives....

    A doctor from France says:"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

    A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
     
    A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

    The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work.
    Alaska

    Chief45

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1079 on: November 04, 2013, 11:37:17 am »
    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'




    KansasUN-Retired LEO.

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    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1080 on: November 06, 2013, 08:40:53 pm »
    MONSTER BUCK DEER

    My faith in Internet stories has been restored. Finally, some honesty in big buck hunting stories.


    Below is a picture of the new world record whitetail buck. It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker's sister's uncle's best friend's son-in-law's niece's hairdresser's neighbor's ex-boyfriend's oldest nephew. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot in West Texas on a really windy day, 85 degrees downhill, around a curve at 900 yards with a .22 cal. rifle.


    Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers, and six Jehovah's Witnesses in the last two weeks alone. They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. It has also been confirmed that the buck had been seen drinking discharge water from a nuclear power plant.


    All this has been checked and confirmed by my friends at Snopes.con


    Honestly and Sincerely,
    Barack H. Obama
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1081 on: November 08, 2013, 04:08:18 pm »
    It appears that the Washington Redskins are changing their name. Tiring of the threats and embarrassment their organization's name has caused, which is obviously offensive to many, a spokesman for the group confirms that they will now be known as simply "The Redskins."
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    Kaso

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1082 on: November 08, 2013, 09:03:07 pm »
    Good one. ^  :thumbup1



    Kaso

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1083 on: November 18, 2013, 01:37:55 pm »
    An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

    'Fred,' he replies.

    'Fred what?' the officer asks.

    'Just Fred,' the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

    The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1084 on: November 22, 2013, 11:46:37 pm »
    I've been hearing different versions of that joke since about 1960 and it's still funny.   :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

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    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1085 on: November 24, 2013, 09:14:10 pm »
    Subject: The importance of correct grammar .
     
    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
     
    The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
     
    After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, and handed his ticket to the medicine man.
     
    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,  “This is a powerful medicine. Be sure that you take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
    When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
     
    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
     
    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
     
    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
    When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
    Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
     
    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
     
    And that, my friend, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1086 on: November 24, 2013, 10:25:47 pm »
     :facepalm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1087 on: November 25, 2013, 12:51:23 am »
     :facepalm  :facepalm
    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1088 on: November 25, 2013, 01:06:50 am »
    Totally NSFW. But you'll tell it there anyway.

    Spoiler (click to show/hide)
    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1089 on: November 25, 2013, 09:23:35 am »
     :doh
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1090 on: December 02, 2013, 10:20:59 am »
    The Cincinnati major league baseball team is scheduled to visit the White House.
    The coach says to them, "Guys, I don't think we should wear our uniforms when we go to Washington."
    "Why not?" one of the players asked. "What else would we wear? It's got our team name on it!"
    "I know," the coach says. "And when Obama sees two dozen guys in shirts that say 'Reds' on them, he might mistake them for his cabinet..."


    Putin wants to ramp up Cold War 2 and decides to put missiles in Cuba again.
    "Why don't we just put them off the coast of DC and take it out in one fell swoop?" Medvedev asks.
    "Because we don't want to do our enemy a favor," Putin replies.



    In Russia, you feel secure...........

    In Soviet America, security feels YOU!


    I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
    They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
    Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
    Then this Muslim guy started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
    I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
    Well that was when the trouble started.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1091 on: December 18, 2013, 04:57:49 am »
    This really works and will only take you about ten seconds!!! DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom. You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is

    1. Pick a number from 1- 9
    2. Multiply that number by 3.
    3. Add 3.
    4. Multiply by 3 again.
    5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:

    Movie List:
    1. Gone With the Wind
    2. E .T.
    3. Blazing Saddles
    4. Star Wars
    5. Forrest Gump
    6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
    7. Jaws
    8. Grease
    9. The Obama Farewell Speech
    10. Casablanca
    11. Jurassic Park
    12. Shrek
    13. Pirates of the Caribbean
    14. Titanic
    15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
    16. Home Alone
    17. Animal House

    Now, isn't that something?
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Kaso

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1092 on: December 18, 2013, 08:31:30 am »
    The most anticipated film of all time!



    Kaso

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1093 on: December 18, 2013, 04:09:50 pm »
    that's hilarious and absolutely accurate. :rotfl
    Virginia“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” -Aristotle

    Chief45

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1094 on: December 18, 2013, 04:19:56 pm »
    No, I would disagree.   his speech would be 4 tedious hours long, where as what I want to see is a very short clip that ends with, "we the jury, find the defendant guilty on all counts".

    KansasUN-Retired LEO.

    Non Timebo Mala . . . . . . . I will fear no evil. . .

    It is what it is. . . . . .It's All Good.

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1095 on: December 18, 2013, 07:02:51 pm »
    No, I would disagree.   his speech would be 4 tedious hours long, where as what I want to see is a very short clip that ends with, "we the jury, find the defendant guilty on all counts".



    Chief------an ending like that would probably require me to have a cigarette
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1096 on: December 19, 2013, 03:40:45 pm »
    Sam had been looking forward to deer hunting all summer, and had even scouted out a location - got his stand set up and everything. So everyone was real surprised to find him in church the first day of deer season... until he showed them this pic from his cellphone.



    "Felt like church was a good idea," he said.

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1097 on: December 22, 2013, 02:09:26 pm »
    An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"


    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

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    Chrissmitty820

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1098 on: December 22, 2013, 05:48:31 pm »
    This should help with those pesky internet arguments

    http://62x54r.net/MosinID/MosinHumor.htm

    Texas

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1099 on: December 23, 2013, 02:07:26 pm »
    I heard about a startup company selling exploding prayer mats...apparently business is booming, profits are going through the roof.
    "Bushido is all very well in its way, but it is no match for a 30-06." - Col. Jeff Cooper

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