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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 391736 times)

Stevie-Ray

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1050 on: September 02, 2013, 09:31:10 pm »
Not sure if a repost......

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>
>
>
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
>
> "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
>
> It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
>
> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
>
> He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..
>
> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
>
> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
>
> Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
>
> The computer prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
> 2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> 4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
>
> Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

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    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1051 on: September 02, 2013, 09:54:39 pm »
     :facepalm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1052 on: September 08, 2013, 09:47:04 pm »
    A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
     
    After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

    The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

    The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."

    The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

    The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.

    Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1053 on: September 09, 2013, 08:46:01 pm »
    This thread has been closed due to the propensity of members to speculate about the previous post's contention based upon their geographic and socioeconomic orientation.    :facepalm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1054 on: September 09, 2013, 09:28:31 pm »
    Okay, anybody claiming that sex isn't better than bacon has either a) been having bad sex, b) *REALLLLLLLLY* good bacon, or c) both.

    And if it's b), I'd have to demand proof.  :P

    Chief45

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1055 on: September 09, 2013, 11:11:30 pm »
    but, um,  well,   I , er,  well,  I remember the last time I had bacon. . .  :whistle


    Okay, anybody claiming that sex isn't better than bacon has either a) been having bad sex, b) *REALLLLLLLLY* good bacon, or c) both.

    And if it's b), I'd have to demand proof.  :P
    KansasUN-Retired LEO.

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    It is what it is. . . . . .It's All Good.

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1056 on: September 09, 2013, 11:33:32 pm »
    TMI...  :facepalm

    Lupinus

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1057 on: September 09, 2013, 11:49:57 pm »
    Plus really good bacon is usually cheaper than really bad sex  :rotfl
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    sarge712

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1058 on: September 10, 2013, 06:38:38 am »
    I love bacon as much as anyone BUT if bacon is better than sex, you're doing it wrong
    North CarolinaBe without fear in the face of thine enemies.
    Be brave and upright that God may love thee.
    Speak the truth always even if it leads to thy death.
    Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.
    That is thine oath.

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1059 on: September 10, 2013, 09:28:59 am »
    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
     My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
     Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
     Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
    I rest my case.
     Time for another beer.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Wolf-Dragon

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1060 on: September 10, 2013, 07:44:46 pm »
     :rotfl :thumbup1
    Spoiler (click to show/hide)

    Mikee5star

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1061 on: September 11, 2013, 11:03:32 pm »
    I commented to my sister, when she announced her third pregnancy, that if men had to give birth there would be a lot less sex going on.
    Alaska

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1062 on: September 12, 2013, 07:40:40 pm »
    I love bacon as much as anyone BUT if bacon is better than sex, you're doing it wrong
    How, pray tell, do you do bacon wrong? :neener
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1063 on: September 12, 2013, 09:13:34 pm »
    Not crispy enough. :neener

    Roper1911

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1064 on: September 12, 2013, 11:28:42 pm »
    How, pray tell, do you do bacon wrong? :neener

    wrap it around lady gaga.
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    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1065 on: September 13, 2013, 07:08:51 am »
    wrap it around lady gaga.
    :bash
    all the more reason to cook it crispy---at least the noises made might be tolerable
     :bash >:D
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    jamisjockey

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1066 on: September 13, 2013, 08:30:55 pm »
    My girlfriend called me a pedophile....I told her that's an awful big word for a ten year old.
    TexasJason D

    Kaso

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1067 on: September 13, 2013, 09:10:20 pm »
    My girlfriend called me a pedophile....I told her that's an awful big word for a ten year old.
    Was that a joke?  If so, it was only the second in 14 (now 15) straight posts. :-\




    Kaso

    Lupinus

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1068 on: September 13, 2013, 10:08:18 pm »
    My girlfriend called me a pedophile....I told her that's an awful big word for a ten year old.
    ON. Pick ON someone your own size JJ.
    South Carolina

    fnfnc64

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1069 on: September 14, 2013, 02:48:28 am »
    bacon is easier to get than sex, only half as bad for your heart, you usually only get burned once by bacon and you learn your lesson, bacon doesn't get jealous when you are checking out other bacon, and the pig you got the bacon from wont embarrass you if your friends ever get to meet it. Oh, and just try to sluff a day of work, sit around and watch tv while you drink a bottle of jack daniels, and have sex for breakfast. Trust me here, it works much better when you have the bacon for breakfast and save the sex for when you sober up. I'm just sayin...... :coffee
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    goatroper

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1070 on: September 14, 2013, 02:13:43 pm »
    MANY ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON.

    A quick recap of last year ...

    Alabama beat  Arkansas and Arkansas fired their coach.

    Alabama beat Tennessee and Tennessee fired their coach.

    Alabama beat Auburn and Auburn fired their coach.

    Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.



    How do we get the White House to play Alabama??



    VirginiaGoatroper

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1071 on: September 15, 2013, 02:55:25 am »
     >:D
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1072 on: September 15, 2013, 03:51:04 pm »
    :bash
    all the more reason to cook it crispy---at least the noises made might be tolerable
     :bash >:D

    I dunno. None of Lady Gaga's noise is tolerable to me. :rotfl
    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1073 on: September 30, 2013, 02:31:55 pm »
    George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.


    The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


    Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
    When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


    Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.


    Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.


    When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.


    The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1074 on: October 08, 2013, 09:01:07 pm »
    Medicare Part G

    You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing
    home care available for you.
    So what do you do?

    Our plan gives anyone 65 years or
    older, a gun and 4 bullets.
    You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

    Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three
    meals a day, a roof over your head,
    central heating and air conditioning and
    all the health care you need.

    Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're
    all covered.

    As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.

    And who will be paying for all of this?
    The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a
    home.

    And, you can get rid of 4 useless
    politicians while you're at it.

    Plus, because you are a prisoner, you
    don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

    Is this a great country or
    what?
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

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