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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 391731 times)

mephisto

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1025 on: July 22, 2013, 11:40:15 pm »
<rim shot>
ArizonaI'm worth a million in prizes.

"We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions."

- Ronald Reagan

"....if you own a gun and have a swimming pool in the yard, the swimming pool is almost 100 times more likely to kill a child than the gun is."

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    Grognard

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1026 on: July 23, 2013, 03:22:17 pm »
     ;)  Really Bad Jokes  :o
    1.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
     The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
    2.   Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
     one of them would have seen it.
    3.  Two fat guys are sitting in a bar, one says to the other "Your round." The other one replies: "So are you, you fat bum!"
    4.   Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery  acid, and the other was eating fireworks.                          They charged one and let  the other one off.
     

     
     
    Virginia“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” -Aristotle

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1027 on: July 28, 2013, 07:59:04 pm »
    just to freak people out
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1028 on: July 28, 2013, 10:55:04 pm »
    Nice.   :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1029 on: July 28, 2013, 11:47:12 pm »
    Banana pudding would look like spoiled mayonnaise... freak people out even more... maybe mix in some pistachio, w/ the vanilla?

    Coronach

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1030 on: July 29, 2013, 12:50:48 am »
    Once at BSA summer camp we had a guy take a huge bite of mayo, thinking it was vanilla pudding. They we serving sandwiches, and the condiments (catsup, mayo, mustard and relish) were served in bowls at each table, with spoons. Dessert would come out after the main course was cleared. So, why Brian thought we had a random bowl of vanilla pudding in the middle of the table on sandwich day, I have no idea. All I know is he asked, "Doesn't ANYONE want any pudding?" and I replied immediately, "No, dude, it's all you" and slid the bowl over to him.

    Mike :)

    Sent from my DROID BIONIC using Tapatalk 2
    « Last Edit: July 29, 2013, 01:02:52 am by Coronach »
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    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1031 on: July 29, 2013, 12:56:05 am »
    There's a Miracle Whip commercial in there somewhere .   .    .   
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Storyteller

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1032 on: July 30, 2013, 05:29:26 pm »
    Took a young lady to an  O club buffet one time. She mistook the horseradish for butter and threw a healthy glop on her potato. Needless to say, it was a short evening.   :coffee  She married my bartender. Lucky sob.
    HawaiiA cup of campfire coffee, in a hot tin cup, with a splash of Irish whiskey is why the Gods get up in the morning.

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1033 on: July 30, 2013, 05:32:30 pm »
     :hmm How bad was the lighting, that she mistook horseradish for butter?!  :shocked

    Storyteller

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1034 on: July 30, 2013, 05:36:21 pm »
    Dim, very very dim.   ;)  In her defence. It did look a little like whipped "butter". Remember, this was an O club. They kept it dark.
    HawaiiA cup of campfire coffee, in a hot tin cup, with a splash of Irish whiskey is why the Gods get up in the morning.

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1035 on: July 30, 2013, 05:51:22 pm »
    Dim, very very dim.

    The lighting, or the date?  Ba-dum-tish...

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1036 on: July 31, 2013, 02:24:13 am »
    What's wrong with horseradish on potatoes?    :hmm
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Chief45

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1037 on: August 09, 2013, 11:54:06 am »
    Here is a fun one.  Ronald Reagan humor.



    KansasUN-Retired LEO.

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    It is what it is. . . . . .It's All Good.

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1038 on: August 09, 2013, 12:14:05 pm »
    A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

     A family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying, "I am not sure that is a duck."
     
    A psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it saying, “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

     A surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. 

    He then turns to a pathologist and says, "check if that was a duck."
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1039 on: August 09, 2013, 12:14:27 pm »
    Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. 

    He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married.

    And she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1040 on: August 10, 2013, 04:37:19 am »
     :rotfl
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1041 on: August 14, 2013, 03:56:54 pm »
    This is a problem that is going around,

    A.A.A.D.D..
    KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
    Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden.
    As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
    I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage,
    I notice mail on the porch table that
    I brought up from the mail box earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys on the table,
    put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
    and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back
    on the table and take out the garbage first...

    But then I think,
    since I'm going to be near the mailbox
    when I take out the garbage anyway,
    I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my check book off the table,
    and see that there is only one check left.
    My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
    so I go inside the house to my desk where
    I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks,
    but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
    so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

    The Pepsi is getting warm,
    and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
    a vase of flowers on the counter
    catches my eye--they need water.

    I put the Pepsi on the counter and
    discover my reading glasses that
    I've been searching for all morning.
    I decide I better put them back on my desk,
    but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter,
    fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
    Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
    I'll be looking for the remote,
    but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
    so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
    but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers,
    but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back on the table,
    get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then, I head down the hall trying to
    remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:
    the car isn't washed
    the bills aren't paid
    there is a warm can of
    Pepsi sitting on the counter
    the flowers don't have enough water,
    there is still only 1 check in my check book,
    I can't find the remote,
    I can't find my glasses,
    and I don't remember what I did with the car keys
    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
    I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
    and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem,
    and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

    Do me a favor.
    Forward this message to everyone you know,
    because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! P..S I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry...


    MichiganFolks keep talking about another Civil War.  One side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets.  The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.  How do you think that war is going to end?

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1042 on: August 16, 2013, 04:57:02 pm »
     :thumbup1
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1043 on: August 18, 2013, 03:31:22 pm »
    At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...
    'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
    'Yes. What can I do for you?'
    'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'
    'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
    The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
    Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
    'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
    'Yup sure did!'
    'Did they chop ya'all firewood?'
    'Yup!'
    'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    goatroper

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1044 on: August 18, 2013, 05:04:46 pm »
    WHY WE SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS


         

         

        I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.


        "This is the 21st century Grandpa”, she said.  "We don't waste money on newspapers, here, use my iPad."
         
        I can tell you this.


         


        That fly never knew what hit him.
    VirginiaGoatroper

    Wolf-Dragon

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1045 on: August 18, 2013, 05:24:45 pm »
     :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
    Spoiler (click to show/hide)

    fnfnc64

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1046 on: August 23, 2013, 03:01:49 pm »
    At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...



    bum-duck?    :facepalm     I think I work there...............(not at the police station though) :doh
    UtahSi vis pacem, para bellum

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     Life NRA

    cpaspr

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1047 on: August 23, 2013, 07:59:48 pm »
    WHY WE SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS


         

         

        I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.


        "This is the 21st century Grandpa”, she said.  "We don't waste money on newspapers, here, use my iPad."
         
        I can tell you this.


         


        That fly never knew what hit him.


    I was expecting a bottom of the birdcage usage, or wrapping up a fish for the freezer.  But the fly was better.
    Oregon

    sarge712

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1048 on: August 27, 2013, 01:48:16 am »
    Things to do on an Elevator
    1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
    2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
    3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
    4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
    5) MEOW occasionally.
    6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
    7) SAY -DING at each floor.
    8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
    9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
    11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
    12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
    13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
    14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
    15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
    16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
    17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
    18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
    19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
    20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
    21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
    22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

    North CarolinaBe without fear in the face of thine enemies.
    Be brave and upright that God may love thee.
    Speak the truth always even if it leads to thy death.
    Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.
    That is thine oath.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1049 on: August 27, 2013, 03:36:54 am »
    23)  Eat thunderberries the night before and see how many people you can make get off on the wrong floor.
    Arizona" A republic, if you can keep it."

                                                   Benjamin Franklin

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