You all know that I am not a cop, but I wanted to chime in.

Here is my question: how do you deescalate and make it not be a fight over a young man's ego?


Even better, how do you make yourself look like you're not a target to begin with, like someone who shouldn't be messed with?

I split the sentences apart so that they can be answered separately.

The first one is easy - By being a wuss.  You don't do anything that would inflame another's ego, and if offense is taken anyway, you apologize, and then roll over and show your belly.  In animal terms, you 'submit.'

The second is more complicated, because it requires you to *not* be a wuss.  You have to look hard - not necessarily confrontational, but you need to look like more trouble than a fight is worth.  You have to put off a certain vibe, because no one goes around wearing a sign that marks them as a hard ass. (Except maybe SLM, but he is allowed)

In your personal situation... You actually read books on threat deescalation, so you likely know more on the subject than anyone here.  As far as looking too tough to fight, forget it.  I mean you, personally.  Don't take this wrong, but from having read thousands of your posts here, many PMs, and a phone call, I think I've gotten a pretty good bead on your personality...  You aren't going to be putting off that tough guy vibe any time soon.  I am not even sure you should want to, because it is completely opposite to your caring, sensitive, and empathetic being.

So if someone is feeling slighted, you are probably going to be able to back out of it by playing weak.  If they don't buy it, or if they or another think you are soft enough to harm...  Well, then, that's why you carry a firearm. 

I think the points made using the basics of feigned compliance than overwhelming self defense as a last resort are good points, but this population is interesting to me. Where most criminals don't want a fight I've seen them get paradoxically excited at either: 1. Someone who's just too weak. Too easy and 2. Someone who will fight them, in some instances I've seen them react like: "oh boy! A fight, a challenge!".

Granted every situation must be graded on its own individual level.

  I'm going to echo what Kaso said.   On both points.

   #1, I've "whussed out" numerous times by not playing someone's ego game.   I've actually gone further of being calm and "mellow" since I've gotten my CWP than I ever was without it, simply because the escalation would be deadly force.   

  I know what I'm capable of.   I have no need to prove it and cause trouble.      For the same reason I don't do Diesel D*** stuff with my pickup.    I drive an older lifted Dodge diesel so you imagine the sort of "bros" who try to roll coal, beat me off lights, "race" in town,etc.   I don't do it......period.   I don't care about dick measuring and the consequences aren't worth it.     When you have responsabilities, and/or knowledge of what happens you don't do it.   

#2.    That said, up until that point you "roll over" you look tough.   And...like Kaso, I don't think you'll pull it off. Don't get me wrong, tiny, skinny guys "can" put off that vibe......I don't think you can.    I say this from personal experience.   I think you're a bit more all-around.....well....caring.  That's not a bad thing but it carries over into day-to-day "aura".       

Mine's gotten a bit more noticeably.....subdued ain't quite the right word, but tempered since I've joined the V.F.D. and assisted and cut people out of car wrecks in addition to the other fire incidents I've been in.   I honestly and truly don't "care" about most people and can separate my caring/feelings when the need happens. An example being:  I've shot pets that were suffering and it would have been more painful for THEM to go the vet, even if it had been easier for me.   

    We don't have ghetto's but we have Reservations around here with the same lifestyle.   At the moment I'm a bit overweight, but 6' and 200 pounds.   5 years ago I was 6' and 150 pounds.      I get a lot "radius effect" I guess you'd say.    At walmart, whereas I use to have to step aside to keep from shoulder bumping into a young baggy pants man, they'll move out of the way now,etc.     

   
  P.S.    That came off sounding overly Braggart/chest beating.   Wasn't meaning it that way.  It's just a certain acceptance of certain things changes how you interact with stuff.

No offense taken on any of the above Grant... Except  . Remember I also work in a people profession. The caring switch and the get "s___ done switch" get switched back and forth all day long. I definitely try to be as empathetic and nonthreatening as possible, but I still have people die on my floor, I still get s___ on, bled on, and I see people with fewer parts than they started off with, and things where they shouldn't be.

Mental toughness is a job requirement, as is compartmentalising. While I try to keep my sweet disposition, I am a very tenacious sob when it comes to advocating for my patients.

I'm not expecting 120 pounds of white guy with hipster glasses to come off as "hardened target" for a thug, but I do have some hidden attributes of grit  .

If you are thinner, and just passing through the area. Then appearing like a meth/crack head can let you pass by ignored.

www.amazon.com/Verbal-Judo-Gentle-Persuasion-Updated/dp/0062107704/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1489590067&sr=8-1&keywords=verbal+judo

I read this for dealing with drunk, irate, members of the public while a EMT and City employee.  Everyone who works with the public and has the brains to realize what an ego is for, needs to read Doc Rhino.  It ties in really good with how Sarge says to speak to people.  Also it is a technique for backing off/deflecting with out being a wuss.  But you have to have the brains to separate/turn off your ego.

Other than that go with sarge712.

I can't argue with what Sarge just said, but here are a few observations of my onw that may echo or overlap his.

Don't bluster but don't act like a wimp either.
Make direct eye contact, but at the same time politely acknowledge them so it doesn't come off as a challenge to their machismo.
Be the one to initiate verbal contact if you think it's unavoidable.  It may let you set the tone vice the thug making challenge to you that you'll have to one-up or risk looking like meat. 


Also something else I learned a long time ago, telling someone that whatever they do for a living looks incredibly tough or complected and that you doubt you could do it seems to make people feel respected and inclined to look favorably on you...even if what you do is more difficult or perceived as more prestigious than their job.    This concept may on occasion be of benefit even when dealing with thuggish types IF you can manage to get it across before things get confrontational.

Police are also interacting in a very different way than joe public with the 'thug' culture.

I know it may sound racist, but I always found 'thug' social interaction to be very similar to chimpanzee. Lots of noise, posturing and bluffing with the hope no one calls them on their bulls___ display of strength. IF you can cause your competition to leave the field without physical contact. It is a solid win with no cost. You also see the near instant group attack if anyone shows weakness and is visibly unable to fight. You also see near instant withdrawal if one side feels like it is 'losing'.

Make direct eye contact, but at the same time politely acknowledge them so it doesn't come off as a challenge to their machismo.
 
Also something else I learned a long time ago, telling someone that whatever they do for a living looks incredibly tough or complected and that you doubt you could do it seems to make people feel respected and inclined to look favorably on you...even if what you do is more difficult or perceived as more prestigious than their job.    This concept may on occasion be of benefit even when dealing with thuggish types IF you can manage to get it across before things get confrontational.

Very well put

Police are also interacting in a very different way than joe public with the 'thug' culture.

I know it may sound racist, but I always found 'thug' social interaction to be very similar to chimpanzee. Lots of noise, posturing and bluffing with the hope no one calls them on their bulls___ display of strength. IF you can cause your competition to leave the field without physical contact. It is a solid win with no cost. You also see the near instant group attack if anyone shows weakness and is visibly unable to fight. You also see near instant withdrawal if one side feels like it is 'losing'.

No it doesn't sound racist at all. I mostly deal with white and Native American thugs and its universal.

I agree.  sarge712 nailed it.      I was waiting for one of our LEO's to chime in and he did not dissapoint.  ^ This is where I think you're beginning to understand both yourself and the world you live in.  You can mentally shift gears when needed both in your profession and also in the rest of your life.  Learn to recognize what's going on around you, how quickly a situation can develop and some basic conflict resolution skills and you're a long way toward avoiding one in the first place.  If a physical encounter is unavoidable do the absolute most damage possible in the shortest possible amount of time. That means fight dirty.  That said .  .  . 

I have talked my way out of a lot more fights than I have ever been in.  If it works at all it usually works spectacularly well in my experience.  I guess I use a variation of the "Verbal Judo" technique referenced earlier but you have a unique opportunity given your profession:   You can tell your opponent that you'd rather not have to shoot him or cut him because you don't really want to be putting his mangled a&& back together later at the hospital.      That can either be taken seriously or as comic relief - either way you're still talking instead of fighting.   

Thanks coelacanth  . Talking is important. As Clint Smith has said we talk to a whole lot more people than we shoot, so we might as well get good at verbal deescalation.

There it is.   and I don't do this often,  but I will quote his entire post in full cause it needs to be read over and over.

Your not there to fight, bluff or bluster. Your there to do your job and you are going to do your job.

My first Sheriff taught us and trained us in a hard school.  Be polite, look em in the eye, speak respectfully. 
There will always be someone younger, stronger and faster.  That's life.  , But ,
If he hit you, he better be on the ground.
if he puts you on the ground, he better be in the hospital.
if he puts you in the hospital, he better be in the morgue.   

Your not there to start fights.  Your there to pick up the pieces, and if NECESSARY, to finish the fight.

But you have to be ready to deal with the situation, however it plays out.

You've all seen the guy, nobody generally messes with him.  He's polite, quiet, holds doors open for people, lets the old lady go ahead of him in line, is fully aware of everything going on around him and he's the guy, old or young,  that nobody messes with.  just, don't.

car stop, 4 hispanic's in the car and I'm alone and they are burglary suspects,  then my old mentor, my undersheriff pulls up.   arrest all 4.  investigator interviews them and tells me a piece of it later.  We were gonna jump the young cop, but that old cop would'a killed us.

it's presence, it can't be faked.  It kept me alive that night.  It's served me well since. I did not have it as a young officer when I started out.  I learned it along the way from good officers and teachers and from working in nasty circumstances. You have to,   just be.   I'm there to do my job.  I'm not afraid of you or anything you might do.  I respect you, I expect you to respect me and I'm not going to do something to decrease your respect for me.


oh yeah,  one more thing Sarge.

(but hard work trumps talent every time)   Hard work trumps talent if talent don't work hard.     Fixed it for ya. 

I deal with those kinds of young men all the time. My way of dealing with them is multifaceted as follows:

1) Don't show the slightest intimidation but do so without without swagger. My attitude is that they can't do anything to me that I can't do to them faster and better. The only way you can do this without faking it is have solid skillz. Confidence comes from competence (and experience) and can't be faked. Street wise people can smell a fake immediately. With that confidence comes the ability to let them talk smack and walk away. What do you have to prove to a punk when its just bluster? Not a damn thing. Now let him lay hands on you and its immediate retaliation. No halfway BS. Go Wolverine on him. No body fluffing touches you and gets a free pass. No. Body. But again to do that you better be able to handle yourself. If you can't do that right now, learn how. No one pops forth from the womb knowing how. We all learned. Now it may come more naturally to some than others but hard work trumps talent every time.

2) Be the Quiet Professional until its time to give orders and then don't bluff.

3) Follow through on everything you tell them to do or that you are going to do. Tell them then, failing that, make them. But be able to make them. Again, never bluff.

4) Show respect even if they don't rate it. I call everyone "Sir" or "Mister" and look them dead in the eye. If I can help them, I will. My philosophy that I taught my rookies is to treat everyone like they are my brother or sister until they prove otherwise. Then sometimes even your brother needs tuned up.

All that said, sometimes you just can't talk successfully or deal with certain extra special people and they have to be taken to the ground hard. Once they are restrained though, you start back at step 4 and its "Stand up sir," etc. Often times once they are seated in the back of a patrol car and I can talk to them I will tell them "Look I'm trying to help you IF YOU will let me so chill. Being experienced in my town, there's a lot of people I can tell from past run ins that "You know me. I've always been fair to you so be cool and it will all work out." Then there's the perennial jackass that I have to tell "Hey you know me and you know what I'll do if you don't calm the hell down son."

In all I have disdain for punks like that and don't sweat them. Then there's the true predator (the 1%) and they ain't it.

I will say as mentioned physical size can help matters, if you're tall and fairly muscular you've got a certain advantage in the look. Plus points for looking meaner than you likely are, but some of that is age, circumstances and just something you're born with.

I will say in my own case more often than not I come off as a pretty nice guy especially around here since it's a small town and I smile and talk with people. Even today I saw a car while I was driving to the doctors, and I noticed it had a nearly flat rear tire while I sat behind it at the stop light. They turned right onto a dead end street and I figured they lived down there or were going to be stopping. So I followed them to the house, stopped on the curb. Got out of the Jeep after waiting a few seconds to see if the person would get out of their vehicle and I could just yell out the window that they had a low tire. They didn't so I walked up to the car, keeping some distance, hands visible with a smile and a wave to be non threatening. And it was a younger gal who hadn't noticed me behind her, nor that I walked up to her car. She had her face in her phone and I knocked on the window lightly which probably scared here to death;) Didn't intend to, none the less she started rolling down the window some and I just said "hey I noticed you had a low tire on the rear left and wanted to tell you about it", and she thanked me and I went back to the Jeep and Sarah waiting and went on with my day.

Now that's me in my own normal space where crime and such is very limited, and in some scenarios it's very different but this is a nice area in town right near the college etc. Now when I was in the city, say DC or Houston I approached things very differently. And I'm not some sort of massive guy but I'm not small and I've noticed my face isn't quite as youthful as it once was. I can when needed give off a sort of vibe that says "leave me the hell alone", and I do that more often than not in the city. And it's worked well for avoiding situations, but I'm always aware of my surroundings and trying to avoid any sort of incident. That is far more important in my opinion, but when it fails it doesn't hurt to have a bit of the don't screw with me look. I should also say when I was younger I didn't have that look at all, as I've gotten older and put on a few pounds. I'm 6'2 and a bit taller in my typical cowboy boots, and I run between 200-225lbs, and as the weight went on it's not really in my middle it's more upper body from all the working with leather with my hands and arms, shoulders etc. I don't typically see myself as intimidating I still to a degree see the same guy I was 20 years ago, however my wife and others have commented in recent years that I am so I guess I'll go with their outside opinion.

Something else mentioned above was looking a bit like a crack head or something along those lines, and that can also work. Though it's been many years since I went into bad areas and such but that was somewhat what I did back in the day. I was a skateboarder, had grungy clothing and probably looked homeless more often than not. I wasn't, but it did work as a certain level of defense for that time in my life.

Likely in your case you're further ahead playing the "grey man" type of role and just not standing out and as the years progress you may find yourself in a different situation. However it's still the best advice to avoid those places and situations whenever possible, it's much easier that way;)

Luke

I really do not see it as civilized versus uncivilized.

The young male behavior associated with thugs mimics low status non-breeding young males in chimpanzee troops.

The high status breeding males of a chimpanzee troop show a marked difference in behavior from the younger males. They are really no less violent just the violence has less 'show' beforehand and it is very keenly directed. The violence of the high status males also tend to end in injury to the members involved.

So it appears humans are basically acting out similar adaptive instincts.

Chief45 clearly points out there is a 'presence' of an individual that rings in your mind to just not F with him. So it clearly appears we have the same instincts as the chimps.

Perhaps civilization has given us more ways to act this instinct out, but it appears fairly similar to me.

What I meant by my "civilized vs uncivilized" comment is that in modern civilized society we act out the same patterns of behavior without resorting to physical violence (the majority of the time).  By and large our "high status males" use lawsuits or crush the business interests or careers of the object of  their ire rather than beating the snot out of them.   
Same patterns of behavior, just a different type of force used.