Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes (Read 450326 times)

FMJ · « **Reply #125 on:** October 16, 2009, 02:04:55 am »

That wasn't a joke?

WeTheArmed.com

sarge712 · « **Reply #126 on:** October 16, 2009, 10:55:29 am »

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; It's only 2130 now.'

Harm · « **Reply #127 on:** October 16, 2009, 12:18:44 pm »

MarshallDodge · « **Reply #128 on:** October 20, 2009, 11:00:19 pm »

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

Harm · « **Reply #129 on:** October 27, 2009, 06:53:29 pm »

Farmer John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layer hens (called pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. John kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell at a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on his porch and fill out efficiency reports by just listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was. But one particular morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, ran for cover. To Farmer John's amazement, he saw Butch hold his bell in his beak, so it wouldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only gave Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else, but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #130 on:** October 27, 2009, 11:02:29 pm »

Drinking with a Texas Girl

A Mexican, An Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice..'

God Bless TEXAS !!!

Thernlund · « **Reply #131 on:** October 27, 2009, 11:42:56 pm »

You cleaned up that joke. Nice.

-T.

FMJ · « **Reply #132 on:** October 27, 2009, 11:53:11 pm »

CameronS · « **Reply #133 on:** October 28, 2009, 07:36:43 am »

Quote from: Harm on October 27, 2009, 06:53:29 pm

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only gave Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else, but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Where'd you find that one?

wildsailer · « **Reply #134 on:** October 28, 2009, 08:28:48 am »

Harm
thank you for Farmer John and Butch

Harm · « **Reply #135 on:** October 28, 2009, 07:57:33 pm »

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out
of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot
is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passag es and is soon quite disoriented The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!!!!!!!

Harm · « **Reply #136 on:** October 28, 2009, 07:57:54 pm »

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those a______s deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Harm · « **Reply #137 on:** October 28, 2009, 08:00:59 pm »

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed"

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then? "
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi,

and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot
be

an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

Harm · « **Reply #138 on:** October 28, 2009, 08:03:24 pm »

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's done?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then......"

(He sighed................)

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

Harm · « **Reply #139 on:** October 28, 2009, 08:21:57 pm »

My favorite joke of all time:

Quote

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

Harm · « **Reply #140 on:** October 28, 2009, 08:23:44 pm »

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it was not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy, Bill slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, "Man what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was Harry's turn. In the morning, same thing ... Hair all standing up,eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, "Man what happened to you? You look awful."
Harry said, "That Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested,
"Good morning," he said.
The others stared at him in amazement.
They couldn't believe their eyes!
They said, "Man what happened?"
Frank said.
Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night.

JesseL · « **Reply #141 on:** October 28, 2009, 09:03:06 pm »

Who's volunteering to kiss Harm goodnight next time we take a trip to Vernal?

Harm · « **Reply #142 on:** October 28, 2009, 09:08:42 pm »

WTH?

I'll own up to it. I'm a snore'r

CameronS · « **Reply #143 on:** October 29, 2009, 06:28:28 am »

Watched me all night . . .

Love it.

bmitchell · « **Reply #144 on:** October 29, 2009, 08:46:10 am »

I've been told I snore. It doesn't bother me except that the guy I was staying with used to shake the bunk bed (he built it, it had a LOT of wobble) or hit me with a pillow every time I dozed off.

Ben

Harm · « **Reply #145 on:** October 29, 2009, 01:36:41 pm »

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service. Please note, He failed.

Since that time, the federal government has produced a large
number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport SecurityService".
Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in
their black outfits with jackets saying across the backs: F.A.T.A.S.S.

The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the
Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home
Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.

I feel safer already.

Harm · « **Reply #146 on:** October 29, 2009, 02:04:56 pm »

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and
even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan
Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50
yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself." He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super
Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, ! all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.

Harm · « **Reply #147 on:** October 29, 2009, 02:10:07 pm »

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the

unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile
at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,

a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched
the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s___ out of

a ghost"

Happy Halloween !

Harm · « **Reply #148 on:** October 29, 2009, 02:42:26 pm »

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...
do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong,
honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He
was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're
cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too.

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #149 on:** November 11, 2009, 01:31:53 am »

Important Petition

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in email, but this one is important. It has been circulating for months. Please keep it going. To show your support for Obama's health care reform, please go to the end of the list and add your name.

1. Nancy Pelosi
2.