Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes (Read 450420 times)

FMJ · « **Reply #75 on:** July 25, 2009, 02:45:29 am »

So three ladies; a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were speaking about their teenage daughters.

The brunette lady comments on her discovery of adiscarded Jack Daniels bottle in her daughter's bedroom. "I didn't know my daughter drank..."

The redhead lady said that her daughter has the same case; except, her daughter, she explained had a smoking problem instead of drinking one. "I came across some cigarette butts in the bathroom." she said...

The blonde lady surprised by her friend's daughters scenario, shockingly contributes her own report:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

WeTheArmed.com

sarge712 · « **Reply #76 on:** July 27, 2009, 12:51:32 am »

My wife, of all people, sent me this one:

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b____ out the window.

Harm · « **Reply #77 on:** July 27, 2009, 03:24:34 am »

HA HA HA HA HA!

The only better way to end that if the Englishman had then thrown the frenchwoman from the train!

I keep hoping one of these will be funny enough to warrant this thread being a sticky. Every forum needs a stickied Joke thread...

CameronS · « **Reply #78 on:** July 27, 2009, 08:56:00 am »

Quote from: sarge712 on July 27, 2009, 12:51:32 am

My wife, of all people, sent me this one:

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b____ out the window.

Thernlund · « **Reply #79 on:** July 27, 2009, 04:44:29 pm »

Quote from: Harm on July 27, 2009, 03:24:34 am

I keep hoping one of these will be funny enough to warrant this thread being a sticky. Every forum needs a stickied Joke thread...

There.

But I reserve the right to not utter one word of protest should another staff member unsticky it.

-T.

Harm · « **Reply #80 on:** July 27, 2009, 04:49:31 pm »

T- that might be the funniest joke yet!

Harm · « **Reply #81 on:** July 30, 2009, 07:26:44 pm »

DON'T LOOK AT THE PICTURE
UNTIL YOU HAVE READ THE STORY***
A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw
a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tailgate for dear life!
She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.
A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop.
The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor! Taxidermists are a twisted lot anyway! And it is not a dog, it is a coyote.

Can you imagine how many people tried to stop this guy?

Harm · « **Reply #82 on:** July 30, 2009, 07:29:39 pm »

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset
at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong.

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing
to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed.

To my surprise, he responded to my caresses, and we made love.

But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere
else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.

HIS DIARY:

My Chevy wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

Skeptic49 · « **Reply #83 on:** July 30, 2009, 08:16:31 pm »

While waiting for a Microsoft Update (TM) I started thinking about myself.

I'm Polish. I'm from Cleveland. I'm an overweight, professional computer geek.

My Ghod! I AM A JOKE!

Geoff
Who must be short on sleep...

chiwar7178 · « **Reply #84 on:** July 31, 2009, 01:57:06 am »

Skeptic49 - If ya can't laugh at yourself, then ya really ought not laugh at others.

It's also good to know what anyone could possibly :poke: fun at you with so as to concoct a defensive strategy.

(\/)___( ^ ww ^ )___(\/) <-- DR. ZOIDBERG: Woo-woo-woo-woo woo woo woo! :gurgle/growl:

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #85 on:** August 10, 2009, 09:41:53 pm »

Redheads rock

Barack Obama was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, A blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, '$200'. To the brunette he said, 'I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, '$100'.

He then asked the redhead. Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, My pants down as low as my wages, get as hard as the times we are living in and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, And screw me the way you have the retirees, Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'

***************************************************************************************************************

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

My wife called him a s**t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age...

Michael · « **Reply #86 on:** August 12, 2009, 02:51:47 am »

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and placed it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #87 on:** August 14, 2009, 12:35:55 pm »

Just got this from my (Jewish) buddy. He's crazy.

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm..
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult
their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
the following suggestion:

'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the
young man wave a towel over you.That will help your wife fantasize and
should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make
love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they
go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband,'Try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them'. Once again, they
follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young
man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an
enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel !!

Outbreak · « **Reply #88 on:** August 19, 2009, 09:13:07 am »

10 Points for Michael for a joke where the Nav wins.

10 points for Stevie-Ray for one that made me rofl.

Harm · « **Reply #89 on:** August 19, 2009, 12:36:36 pm »

Rumor has it that Bill Clinton only went to North Korea because he thought he was going to Poontang, not Pyongyang.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to s**t all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

Harm · « **Reply #90 on:** August 19, 2009, 12:37:00 pm »

Students were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99 Clinton: Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bulls___ artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica... let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

Harm · « **Reply #91 on:** August 19, 2009, 12:37:23 pm »

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary, wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.

How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you le ft yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #92 on:** August 27, 2009, 08:17:52 pm »

> > The Lexington, Kentucky Police Department reports finding a man's body
> > in the Kentucky River just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge.
> > The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been
> > notified.
> >
> > The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was
> > wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt,
> > a pink g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an Obama
> > t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
> >
> > The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any
> > unnecessary embarrassment.
> >
> >
> > The Police do care.

ZeroTA · « **Reply #93 on:** August 27, 2009, 10:47:55 pm »

I'm so telling that one at work tomorrow. ^

TheRedCoat · « **Reply #94 on:** August 27, 2009, 10:57:56 pm »

Well after much computer and isp woes I am back so here we go:

Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #95 on:** August 28, 2009, 07:25:49 pm »

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

I said wake up, but this is better.

CameronS · « **Reply #96 on:** August 28, 2009, 07:43:51 pm »

Those last six jokes are EPIC!!!!

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #97 on:** September 01, 2009, 07:45:00 pm »

Grant · « **Reply #98 on:** September 02, 2009, 10:08:40 pm »

A pair of old ones. But not posted here yet

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom.
Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon"
____________________________________
President Obama gets out of his helicopter
in front of the White House carrying a baby
pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention,
salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

Bush replies: "These are not pigs, these
are Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for
Nancy Pelosi, and I got one
for Hillary Clinton."

The Marine again snaps to attention,
salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

(Actually I swapped Obama For Bush. Fits a hair better

. I mean why would Bush buy those two a pig?)

littleblueman · « **Reply #99 on:** September 02, 2009, 11:39:19 pm »

A man, his wife, and their nine children are waiting at the bus stop.
Along comes a blind man with his cane, click click click, he stops and waits on the bus also.
The bus arrives and its packed. Only the woman and the nine children are able to board, so the man and the blind man decide to walk.
After a few blocks the man is getting tired of hearing the click click click of the blind man's walking stick.
The man leans over and says to the blind man, "Hey buddy, if you would put a little rubber on the end of that stick, it would'nt aggravate everyone around you."
The blind man never misses a beat as he leans over and says to the man, " Hey buddy, if you would have put a little rubber on the end of your stick we would be riding the damn bus right now!"