The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[Harm]

This is my old standby joke:

A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar.
And that's just the first guy!

________________________________________

An American who arrived at the Berlin Airport was asked at immigration: "Occupation?"
"No," he replied. "Just visiting."

_______________________________________

Q: How did they clear out German bingo parlors during World War 2?

A: Someone would call "B-17".

_______________________________________

What's the difference between Obama & Jesus???
Jesus could actually build a cabinet.

_______________________________________

[WeTheArmed.com]

[Beamish]

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender looks up and asks: "Hey, were did you get that?"

The parrot says: "AFRICA!  They're all over the place."

[Outbreak]

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender looks up and asks: "Hey, were did you get that?"

The parrot says: "AFRICA!  They're all over the place."

OMG! I actually laughed out loud! I'm using that one!

[Beamish]

OMG! I actually laughed out loud! I'm using that one!

Make sure you shriek out "AAA-frica!" like parrot - it completely sells the punch line.   

[alone]

Oliver Twist

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have
them?"

"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"



-alone

[alone]

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned



* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

* School lunches stick to the wall.

* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. No matter how cute the underwear is.


-alone

[ZeroTA]

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'You get a hot mama and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

[ZeroTA]

A man, having applied to join the local Police Department, is being interviewed.

The Chief says, "Everything is ready to go, but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you." Sliding a 1911 across the desk, the chief continues, "Take this gun with eight bullets and go out and shoot seven liberals and one rabbit."

The man asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Fantastic attitude!" says the chief, "When can you start?"

[ZeroTA]

Have you heard about the new .308 Lightning round?









It's only available in bolt action.

*rim-shot*

[ZeroTA]

Father O'Malley was in his study when a knock at the door turned out to be a parishioner of his, Seamus, with a dead dog in his arms.

"Oh Father," Seamus says,"Me best friend of near fifteen years went to be with the good Lord this very mornin', and I thought ye might say a few words for him in the Mass tomorrow."

"Seamus, the Church...doesn't usually concern itself with the passin' of a pet, beloved as he may be."

"Sure an' I understand, Father, so I'll just see what the Baptists up the road may say, as it don't seem right to put 'im in the ground without some final words. An' as a offering for their services, d'ya think ten thousand dollars is spot-on?"

"Seamus!"Father O'Malley clapped him on the shoulder,"Why di'na ya tell me the poor beast was a proper Catholic?"

[Harm]

Why the Rabbit?!  AWESOME!

[Stevie-Ray]

It was the first day of a school in USA, and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good!"
Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response, except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians."
"Who said that?", she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!" And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
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 Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum  
Q:   Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?   A:   Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q:   What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A:   Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q:   Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it befound? A:   Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ...'
Q:   How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? A:   Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:   How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly - wrinkles? A:   Take off your glasses.
Q:   Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A:   Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q:   Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A:   Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:   Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A:   Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q:   As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A:   Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:   Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? A:   On their foreheads.
Q:   What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A:   'Gosh, I remember these.

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I was traveling between home and work when a tire blew out.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."
The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.
"Democrat!", I shouted.
"Hop in!", replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?", she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

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[Stevie-Ray]

Keep this in mind when it comes time to vote-----------
While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.  'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem.  We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you.'
No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.  What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.  Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down,
down, down to hell.  The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course.  In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.  They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf, and then dine on lobster, caviar, and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes.  They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door r eopens in heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time,
and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and
St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.  Now choose
your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, 'Well, I would never
have said it before;  I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down 
to hell.  Now the doors of the elevator open, and he's in the middle of  a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
I  d-don't under-st-stand,' stammers the senator.  'Yesterday I was here,
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.  Now there's just awasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable.
What happened?!'
The devil looks at him, smiles, and says,  'Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted!'

[ZeroTA]

^Awesome.

[Skeptic49]

Why are so many Hollyweird Celebrities dying?

The California tax bills started arriving.

Geoff
Who notes California is spending massively more than income...the politicians don't care.

[CameronS]

"I'm not going to take away your guns."

[Raptor]

Did you know that duct tape is like the Force?

Yes, it's true. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the galaxy together.

[AR lover]

For the Math crowd:

Women(W) = Time(T) and Money(T)

and we know that T=M, therefore

W=M^2

we also know that Money is the root of all evil: M=(EVIL)^1/2

Therefore,

W=((EVIL)^1/2)^2

or

Women = EVIL 

For those that can't understand written form:

[akodo]

Dutchman: "what's the difference between a Dutchman and a canoe?"

Waiter: "I don't know"

Dutchman: "Sometimes a canoe will tip."

[MarshallDodge]

What do you call a dog with no back legs and testicles of steel?
.
.
.
.
.
.
SPARKY!

[Skeptic49]

A blonde, a brunet and a redhead  walk into the Shamrock and Shillelagh bar on West 25th Street in Cleveland.  The Scots bartender, a red headed afro-asian beldame and a tall, thin, blond Rabbi all look at them.  The blonde turns to the other two guys and says, "No action here, lets find someplace with a band and women!

Geoff
Who is working on short shaggy dog stories.

[MarshallDodge]

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
 

[Thernlund]

My go-to joke.  Told many times by me...

A family is moving into a new home in a middle to upper class neighborhood.  They're all out in front unloading the U-Haul, taking boxes in and coming back out for more.  Meanwhile, a neighbor is looking on, and finally wanders over to introduce himself.

"Hi!  I'm Mike.  Welcome to the neighborhood!", he says, putting out his hand.

"Hi there!  I'm Tim.", the new guy says, and shakes Mike's hand.

They chat for awhile until the conversation comes around to what what each of them do for a living.

Mike:  "I'm a general contractor.  My company actually built this neighborhood.  Why do you do Tim?"

Tim:  "I'm a college professor.  I teach over at the university.  I teach logic and deductive reasoning."

Mike:  "Really?  Hmmm.  What's that all about?"

Tim:  "Well, it's about evaluating a known data set to arrive at a conclusion.  Let me give you an example...", and he thinks for a moment. "Ok.  Do you have a dog house?"

Mike:  "Umm... yeah.  I have a dog house."

Tim:  "Alright then!  Since you have a dog house, that leads me to believe you must have a dog.  That being the case, I lead to believe that you probably have kids.  Now... if you have kids, it's not much of a stretch to figure out that you have a wife.  And since you have a wife, I must conclude that you are, in fact, heterosexual.  See?"

Mike:  "Hmmm.  That's pretty interesting.  Yeah.  I think I see."

Later that evening Mike is hanging with his good friend Bob.  He and and Bob are drinking beers in Mike's garage and chatting.

Bob:  "So I see you got a new neighbor."

Mike:  "Yeah. I met him this afternoon.  Nice guy.  He's a teacher at the university.  Teaches a logic class or something."

Bob:  "Logic huh?  They teach that?  What's that all about?"

Mike:  "Well... do you have a dog house?"

Bob:  "No."

Mike: "F_______GGG!!!!"


-T.

 

[Harm]

   thats one of my favorite jokes!   

[FMJ]

My go-to joke:

Q:  How do you stop a Mexican tank?

A:  Shoot the people pushing it!