The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[Harm]

So I think it's about time we add a little humor to this place.  Not piecemeal but one big thread where we can add jokes on a regular basis!  (maybe a sticky?)
So entertain your fellow WETA People!  Keep it PG-13, nothing racist or too terribly offensive.  We are giving points for quality jokes, so please keep the knock knocks at home unless their STRONG!     So let the funnin begin!

      

Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?
They can't pass the bar.


Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!


Why is potassium a racist element?
Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.


What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

[WeTheArmed.com]

[Bo Smith]

When is it bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand touches the little hand.

[FMJ]

A bus with a capacity for 30 people leaves on a trip.  On board are 27 lawyers.  Part of the trip takes the bus through the cliffs of Big Sur on the Central California coast.  At one point, the driver faces difficulties and the bus ends up off the cliff into the ocean.  No one made it.

Do you know what the real tragedy was?


There was room for three more...

[fnfnc64]

When is it bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand touches the little hand.

Michael Jackson will be with us for ever. He's not biodegradable

Since Michael Jackson was 99% plastic, instead of burying him they are melting him down and turning him into legos. Now the kids can play with him for a change........

[Harm]

This one's so bad...   
_______________________

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices the guy next to him trying to make eye contact with a group of women across the room.

The first guy says "You know, I could get any of those women if I wanted to." The second guy replies, "What's your secret?"

The first guy smiles and says "I'm a rapist."

[JesseL]

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

[Harm]

       

[FMJ]

Some good Russian jokes that I saw (actually on Wikipedia):
Starting with my favorite:

A lecturer visits the mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great communism is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not a psycho, I work here."

For the next one, a Chukcha is a person that belong to a tribe in north-east Siberia, I guess they're similar to eskimos.  The Russians like to make jokes about them.

A Chukcha returns home from Moscow to great excitement and interest. "What is socialism like?" asks someone. "Oh," begins the Chukcha in awe, "There, everything is for the betterment of Man. I even saw that Man himself!"

A Communist died and since he was a honest man albeit atheist, he was sentenced to rotate spending one year in Hell and one year in Heaven. One year passed and Satan said to God : "Take this man as fast as possible, because he turned all my young demons into Young Pioneers, I have to restore some order." Another year passed, Satan meets God again and tells him : "Lord God, it's my turn now." God replied : "First of all, don't call me Lord God, but instead Comrade God; second, there is no God; and one more thing - don't distract me or I'll be late to the Party meeting."

A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of s___ every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets." The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?"/ "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of s___ is killing me. And you?" / "Ah, it feels like home - either the s___ was not delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"

This is where I got them from.  I'm also willing to be that if the wrong person heard you while in the USSR, that was the end of the line for you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes

[Harm]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Montana, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.

[Raptor]

 

Regrettably, I don't know any decent jokes.

[FMJ]

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.

WIN

As you know I'm from the Mexican state of Sinaloa.  We make a fun of people who are from a place called Guasave.  So here's a local joke:

There were three men.  One was from Culiacan*, another from Mochis*, and the last from Guasave.  The three men were traveling in a car through the Sonoran desert; the car broke down and the three men continued their journey on foot.  Befeore setting out on foot they agreed to salvage any useful supplies from the car.

The man from Culican said, "I shall take the radiator because if I get thirsty I can drink the water."

The man from Mochis said, "I shall take the seat so I can sit down when I get tired."

The man from Guasave said, "I shall take the car door, so when it gets hot I can roll the window down and when it gets cold I can roll it up."

**Cities within the state of Sinaloa.

[Harm]

HA HA we used to do that one as a boyscout skit!   

[bensdad]

Pirate walks into a bar... stop me if you've heard this one.   Nobody?  O.k.

Pirate walks in to a bar.  He's got a steering wheel halfway down the front of his pants.  Bartender days, "Hey, pirate!  You got a steering wheel down the front of your pants."

Pirate says, "Arrggh!!  It's drivin' me nuts." 

[chiwar7178]

Keep it PG-13, nothing...too terribly offensive.

Oh man!  That disqualifies ALL of my jokes.

Like the one about me going through jump school, but being unable to make the first jump...

[fnfnc64]

Pirate walks into a bar... stop me if you've heard this one.   Nobody?  O.k.

Pirate walks in to a bar.  He's got a steering wheel halfway down the front of his pants.  Bartender days, "Hey, pirate!  You got a steering wheel down the front of your pants."

Pirate says, "Arrggh!!  It's drivin' me nuts." 

Little kid goes out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He knocks on the first door of the night and a pleasant looking women opens it. As soon as she does, the kid growls "ARRRRRRRRRGH trick or treat lady! Gimme some candy wench or I'll have ye walk the plank!" The lady responds "my, what a cute little pirate. But tell me honey, where are your buccaneers?" The kid responds "They're under me buckin hat lady"...............


Two old pirate buddies bump into each other in a pirate bar after having not seen one another for a long time. The one says to the other "Hey Bart, aint seen you in a fair spell. Your lookin a bit worse for wear matey. Last time I saw you you had both legs. Now you gots that there wooden one. What happened?  "well Jimbo", the other one replies" I got caught up in this here sea battle, and got my leg blowed clean off with a cannonball. Had to carve me a new one from a chunk of the scrapped deck. And besides Jimbo, your looking a bit beat yerself son. When I last saw you you had both arms instead of that hook yer wearing, and you weren't sportin that there eye patch either mate. What happened to you? "Well" says Jimbo, " I got in this huge sword fight while we were attacking this here Spanish gold ship, and I ended up loosing my arm in all the mess. So now I got me this fancy hook." Well what about yer eye mate, what happened to that" says Bart?  "Oh that" replies Jimbo, "well, I was out wandering the deck of the queen annes revenge one day, looked up, and a seagull s#!t in it." " You don't lose your eye from that" yells Bart!  "Well" says Jimbo, "that was the first day I had my new hook"!.............

[sohmdaddy]

Two guys are walking their dogs down the street and see a bar in the distance.

"Hey, I'll bet you 20 bucks that I can walk into that bar with my dog, sit down and order a drink, and no one will say anything."

"You're on! Dogs aren't allowed in there."

Guy one puts on sunglasses, picks up a stick, and starts feeling around with it. He walks into the bar, sits down and orders a drink and no one says anything.

Guy two thinks to himself, "What a cheap shot! Two can play that game." Guy two puts on his sunglasses and gets a stick and walks in to the bar.

Bartender- "Hey buddy, no dogs allowed in here."

Guy Two- "It's ok, this is my seeing eye dog."

Bartender- "Do I look stupid to you? You've got a Chihuahua."

Guy Two- "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

[Skeptic49]

Two Irishmen, named Pat and Mike walk into the Shamrock and Shillelagh bar on West 25th Street in Cleveland.  The Scots bartender slinks down the bar to where a red headed afro-asian beldame is talking with a tall, thin, blond Rabbi.  The publican nudges the woman and points to the two men who just entered.  The woman looks up and says, "Hey! You two are in the wrong joke!"

Geoff
Who notes this is his candidate for world's shortest shaggy dog story. 

[Skeptic49]

OK!  Stop me if you've heard this one...

Geoff
Who had to do it.

[Skeptic49]

Once upon a time in Greater Cleveland, Ohio...

Father Murphy, a rotund Cleric from Saint Edwards in Lakewood was in a good family tavern near Marlow and Detroit, enjoying his second half pint, a full pint being a bit improper for a churchman, when a young parishioner ran in and shouted, "Father Murphy!  Father Murphy!  There's a man on top the silly name building and he's about to JUMP!"  

The silly name building actually has a name and it is silly but no one can pronounce it, so everybody calls it the silly name building.  Finishing his brew in a gulp, no sense wasting good suds, the stoic cleric ran out the door, to the surprise of those who thought running was not one of his talents having never seen him move that quickly.  Down the street he ran and saw the crowd on the sidewalk and he looked up to see a very distraught looking man teetering on the edge of the parapet, more than high enough to do himself in.  The crowd made way for the priest and if they didn't a kick in the gastrocnemius caused an immediate parting of the way.  Sergeant Brennan glanced at the cleric as he appeared through the crowd and without comment, bowing to superior blarney, handed the priest his yellow issue bullhorn.

"Lad.  Lad!  Don't do it!  Tis a mortal sin!  Think of your family!"

"Oh, Father," came back the plaintive, tearful cry, "my wife left me and ran off with my accountant, they took all my money and ruined my business and my son dropped out of Case and has gone to HAIRDRESSERS SCHOOL!"

"What about your friends lad?"  asked the anxious priest.

"That bunch of worthless barflies not only knew about my wife's affair, they were making book on the date I'd get DUMPED!

The diminutive cleric took a deep breath, for truly this innocent had been sorely tried...

"Think Lad, it's football season and the Browns are winn'in!

"I'm a Pittsburgh fan Father!" came back the reply from on high...

"A PITTSBURGH FAN!" Shouted the devout fan, "WELL JUMP YOU GODLESS HEATHEN AND YOU'LL BE IN YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE!"

Geoff
Who is an expatriate Clevelander surviving in hot and muggy Florida and notorious Browns fan.

[Harm]

 

Four of the 2009 Cleveland Browns are going for a drive.  Who's Driving?

THE POLICE!
       

[Skeptic49]

Under communism man exploits man, under Obamaism, it's the other way around.

Geoff
Who is brief, but eloquent. 

[Michael]

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman, and Paddy Irishman are all sitting in a bar at a table when the waitress comes up with three big beers, each with a big black fly in it.

Paddy Englishman looks down his nose at the mug and say,"Remove this, it is beneath me."

Paddy Scottsman says, "Ya pansie." picks the fly out of the beer and drops it on the floor and begins drinking his beer.

Paddy Irishman picks out the fly and then hold it over the beer and flicks its back saying, "Spit it out!  Spit it out!"

[Harm]

U2 are giving a concert in Britain and it's MASSIVE.  Tons of people from all over show up.  After about two hours into it Bono walks out to the front of the apron and holds his hands up for silence.  Then he starts clapping.  Totally randomly, no pattern no sense to it.  Finally after a very uncomfortable minute of this he holds his mike up and says "Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies..." 

From way in the back, over the cheap seats to the lawn a single clear Scottish voice cries out, "WELL THEN STOP DOING THAT YOUR ROIGHT MEAN FOIKING BASTARD!!!"

[Michael]

For the Math crowd:

Women(W) = Time(T) and Money(T)

and we know that T=M, therefore

W=M^2

we also know that Money is the root of all evil: M=(EVIL)^1/2

Therefore,

W=((EVIL)^1/2)^2

or

Women = EVIL 

[chiwar7178]

For the Math crowd:

Women(W) = Time(T) and Money(T)

and we know that T=M, therefore

W=M^2

we also know that Money is the root of all evil: M=(EVIL)^1/2

Therefore,

W=((EVIL)^1/2)^2

or

Women = EVIL  

It's not Women = Evil, it's Girls = Evil.  And that's not funny--it's the truth.