The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[coelacanth]

I had a festive dog once.  He ran off during a fireworks display.   Probably got run over by a motorcyclist.   

[WeTheArmed.com]

[MTK20]

I had a festive dog once.  He ran off during a fireworks display.   Probably got run over by a motorcyclist.   

Where's the punchline? 

[coelacanth]

Probably a Honda .  .  .   

[First Shirt]

So, Uncle George had to go to the VA hospital down in Birmingham, and since Aunt Mildred wasn't feeling good that morning, she didn't go with him.  He left, and she was sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and listening to the radio.  All of a sudden, she heard something, and called Uncle George on his cell phone.

"George, be careful, there's some lunatic driving the wrong way on the interstate!"

He replied, "Honey, I can't talk right now!  It ain't just one, it's hundreds of them!"

[MTK20]

 

[coelacanth]

Good thing he wasn't from Talladega - around there they all drive like hell all the time and only turn left. 

[First Shirt]

Once upon a time, there was a small convent in the western part of Ireland.  One day, the Mother Superior was doing her books and paperwork, and one of the sisters came in.  She said "Mother Superior, there are two leprechauns at the front gate, and they say they need to speak to you, it's very important."

The Mother Superior said "There's what?"
The sister repeated, "There's two leprechauns at the front gate, and they say that they need to speak to you."

So, the Mother Superior gets up and goes out to the front gate, and sure enough, there are two leprechauns standing there, with hats in hand, and big smiles on their faces.  She politely asks "Can I help you?"

The older leprechaun says "Yes, Mother Superior, and I hate to be taking you away from your good works and all, but could you tell me, do you have here, in your lovely convent, any midget nuns?"

"Any what?"

"Do you have any midget nuns?"

"Well, Sister Clarice is rather short, but she's not a midget, by any means."

"Do you know of another convent in the area that might have a midget nun?"

"No, I don't think so.  I'm sure that if there were any midget nuns hereabouts, I'd know them."

He paused for a moment, then said "So, there's no midget nuns in this part of Ireland?"

She thought, and said "No, I'm fairly certain that there's no midget nuns in this part of Ireland.

With that, the older one turned to the younger one, smacked him sharply on the back of the head, and said "See, you stupid b*****d, I told you you were f**kin' a penguin!"

[booksmart]

Relocate the joke to Argentina... there aren't any penguins in Ireland, either.

[First Shirt]

But there's no leprechauns in Argentina.

[First Shirt]

Speaking of penguins...

A cop on traffic duty sees a car traveling somewhat erratically down the road, and pulls the driver over.  When the cop gets to the car, he sees that the back seat has about a dozen little penguins in it, all running back and forth, squawking and flapping their little wings.  The cop is stunned.

"What the heck is this?" he shouts.

The driver replies, in a somewhat puzzled tone, "Those are my penguins."

"You can't drive around with a carload of penguins!  Take them to the zoo, right now!  To the zoo!" orders the cop.

The driver, still sounding a little confused, says "Okay, Officer, I will."

Couple of weeks later the cop sees the same car, doing the same thing, and, again, pulls the driver over.  When he walks up to the car, he sees a dozen little penguins running around in the back seat.

"What is this!" he shouts, angrily.  "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

"I did" replied the driver.  "And we had so much fun that today we're going to a baseball game."

[booksmart]

But there's no leprechauns in Argentina.

It's a conundrum...

[First Shirt]

"Nobody ever said that the universe had to make sense.  I suspect that it was built on a government contract."  Robert Heinlein.

Or, as Mark Twain said, "Fiction is easier to write than facts.  Fiction, after all, has to make sense."

[sarge712]

Once upon a time, there was a small convent in the western part of Ireland.  One day, the Mother Superior was doing her books and paperwork, and one of the sisters came in.  She said "Mother Superior, there are two leprechauns at the front gate, and they say they need to speak to you, it's very important."

The Mother Superior said "There's what?"
The sister repeated, "There's two leprechauns at the front gate, and they say that they need to speak to you."

So, the Mother Superior gets up and goes out to the front gate, and sure enough, there are two leprechauns standing there, with hats in hand, and big smiles on their faces.  She politely asks "Can I help you?"

The older leprechaun says "Yes, Mother Superior, and I hate to be taking you away from your good works and all, but could you tell me, do you have here, in your lovely convent, any midget nuns?"

"Any what?"

"Do you have any midget nuns?"

"Well, Sister Clarice is rather short, but she's not a midget, by any means."

"Do you know of another convent in the area that might have a midget nun?"

"No, I don't think so.  I'm sure that if there were any midget nuns hereabouts, I'd know them."

He paused for a moment, then said "So, there's no midget nuns in this part of Ireland?"

She thought, and said "No, I'm fairly certain that there's no midget nuns in this part of Ireland.

With that, the older one turned to the younger one, smacked him sharply on the back of the head, and said "See, you stupid b*****d, I told you you were f**kin' a penguin!"

I love it!

[First Shirt]

** All I Need to Know in Life I learned from my Horse **

1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk.
    And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then
    sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big,
     brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to
     take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have
     something good to eat.

There's a lot to be said for a horse's outlook on life.  Lead, follow, or get out of the way is not an option,  With two horses, one WILL lead, and the other WILL follow.  Like it's carved in stone, or something.

[coelacanth]

Herd mentality.  Sort of like democrats.   

It's a conundrum...

And you always want to keep a conundrum handy in case you run across a promiscuous penguin .  .  . 

[cpaspr]

"So, I was working Tuesday at the pet store, and this guy comes in from the state zoo in Atlanta, and asked me if I had any Myna birds.  I told him I did, and asked if he wanted males or females.  He said it didn't matter, as they were just fish food.  I told him they were rather expensive to be used as fish food, and he explained the situation to me.  The zoo has these two porpoises that they've had for at least 150 years.  No one recalls now where they got them, but they have it documented that the zoo has had the same two porpoises for at least that long.  They're so old that everyone considers them to be immortal.  Anyway, he told me that these porpoises only eat once a year, and then it's one myna bird each.

So, I sold him the birds, and he asked if I could deliver them on Saturday, but to the back gate.  Gave me an extra hundred for my trouble.  Well, I took the birds to the back gate of the zoo on Saturday, but it was locked.  I honked the horn, looked over the gate, waited, several times, but no one ever showed up.  But the guy, he emphasized that they really needed the birds on Saturday, so I drove back around to the front.  Took the birds up the front steps, you know the ones, where they have those two stone lions facing each other where their outstretched paws form the last two steps?  Well, as soon as I went up those steps, that's when I got arrested.  For a sex crime!  Me?  A sex crime?  I've never even been kissed.  What am I gonna do, Bob?"

I looked at my young client, and could barely suppress my smile.  He'd be fine.  I had read the arresting officer's report.  Actually a security guard at the zoo, who was obviously overzealous in making what amounted to a citizen's arrest.  And, from the spelling in his report, one who obviously had a poor understanding of the English language and the subtleties of homonyms.

"Well Jim, I've read the arrest report, and you've just admitted to me that you did everything that you were charged with.  Open and shut - you're guilty of what you were arrested for.  But don't worry.  What you did isn't a crime in this state.  The real crime here is the education of the guy who arrested you.  Remember, we're in the deep south.  Words sometimes get pronounced differently down here, and the poor fellow apparently just wrote down what he heard when the crimes were listed in his criminology class.  See?  Here's what he charged you with:  "Transporting mynas across state lions for immortal porpoises". 

"I'll go get the charges dropped, and we can get you out of here and start working on your false arrest case."

[MTK20]

 

[First Shirt]

"He who would pun, would pick a pocket."  It doesn't help that my daughter told me almost exactly the same joke this morning in our EMT refresher class.

[coelacanth]

 

[cpaspr]

"He who would pun, would pick a pocket."  It doesn't help that my daughter told me almost exactly the same joke this morning in our EMT refresher class.

Yeah, I will admit to a slight considerable amount of embellishment to the way I remembered it to misdirect the reader hide the direction this was going till I got to the punchline.

Either that, or it's been so long since I last told it that I didn't remember enough of it and had to re-invent it.

[Raptor]

In Jamaica, you can get a Steak & Kidney Pie for $1.75, a Chicken & Mushroom Pie for $1.60, and an Apple Pie for $2.15.

In St. Kitts and Nevis, a Steak & Kidney Pie will cost you $2 even, a Chicken Pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70, and a Cherry Pie can be yours for $1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that Steak & Kidney Pie goes for $2.50, but you can get 2 for $3.50; the Chicken & Mushroom Pie is $2.25, or 2 for $3.25. They also offer Meat & Potato Pie for $2 even, or 2 for $3 flat. Their Apple Pie and Cherry Pie both sell for $2.75, or 2 (any combination) for $4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

[MTK20]

In Jamaica, you can get a Steak & Kidney Pie for $1.75, a Chicken & Mushroom Pie for $1.60, and an Apple Pie for $2.15.

In St. Kitts and Nevis, a Steak & Kidney Pie will cost you $2 even, a Chicken Pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70, and a Cherry Pie can be yours for $1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that Steak & Kidney Pie goes for $2.50, but you can get 2 for $3.50; the Chicken & Mushroom Pie is $2.25, or 2 for $3.25. They also offer Meat & Potato Pie for $2 even, or 2 for $3 flat. Their Apple Pie and Cherry Pie both sell for $2.75, or 2 (any combination) for $4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

[coelacanth]

 

[Raptor]

Why do Swedish, Norwegian, and Danish warships have bar codes on their hulls?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

[MTK20]

Why do Swedish, Norwegian, and Danish warships have bar codes on their hulls?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

  Ok, that one was cute  .