Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes (Read 49077 times)

Storyteller · « **Reply #750 on:** February 06, 2012, 07:09:33 PM »

A young hill boy joins the Army. The family is very happy. Pa tells him to go and do the family proud.
Five days later the boy is home.
“Boy”, Pa asks. “Why you home already?”
Pa,”the boy begins. “The first day we was there they issued me a comb and a hair brush, that afternoon they cut off all my hair.
The second day they issued me a toothbrush and toothpaste. That afternoon they pulled 3 of my teeth.
Yesterday morning they issued me a jock strap and I runned away.”

Evil One · « **Reply #751 on:** February 06, 2012, 07:12:56 PM »

Which Hill boy was that?
George, Zach, Musashi, Musket?
Specifics man!!!

Jim

Chrissmitty820 · « **Reply #752 on:** February 06, 2012, 10:54:06 PM »

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives
Off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto
The pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow
Swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your
Monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats
Everything in sight.
Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a maraschinocherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

FMJ · « **Reply #753 on:** February 07, 2012, 12:00:41 AM »

Storyteller · « **Reply #754 on:** February 07, 2012, 06:11:20 PM »

Quote from: Evil One on February 06, 2012, 07:12:56 PM

Which Hill boy was that?
George, Zach, Musashi, Musket?
Specifics man!!!

Jim

That was "hill" with the small h. As in...oh no, I ain't gonna fall for that one again.

Gunnguy · « **Reply #755 on:** February 07, 2012, 09:47:34 PM »

A curvaceous, long legged, well endowed blonde went to the recruiting office to join the military and serve her country.
At the office they put her through the ASVAB and several other tests. She outscored every other recruit in the history of the tests.
They put her through M.E.P.S. (Military Entrance Processing) station physicals and psych tests and she passed above and beyond anyone who had ever been through the M.E.P.S. station in all of recorded military history.
The recruiters were falling all over themselves trying to get her in as an officer and were promising anything and everything to get her to sign up.
The Army promised her the Rank of Captain and her own personnel HumVee.
The Navy promised her the rank of Lt. Commander and her own Frigate to command.
The Air Force promised her the rank of Colonel and her own squadron of F-22 Raptors to command.
The Marines promised her the Rank of Brigadier General and a whole Battalion of Marines to command.

In the end she went with the Coast Guard.
Why, you ask?

They promised her the Rank of Lieutenant Jr. Grade.
They promised to send her to the Coast Guard Diver School.
And promised she'd be worked hard every day and sent to remote locations with little notice, bad food, and little sleep.

Oh...and that she'd be surrounded by men in skin tight suits whose job it would be to drill her on a daily basis.

PrivateJoker · « **Reply #756 on:** February 09, 2012, 02:43:56 PM »

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

Outbreak · « **Reply #757 on:** February 09, 2012, 10:33:26 PM »

I almost commented that it's important to not have just one woman...then I read the punchline.

As a single guy with no desire to marry in the near future, I agree with all of the above!

Remember, there's no age limit to be a Dirty Old Man!

coyotesfan97 · « **Reply #758 on:** February 10, 2012, 02:40:02 AM »

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

FMJ · « **Reply #759 on:** February 10, 2012, 02:32:59 PM »

^^^

Grant · « **Reply #760 on:** February 10, 2012, 05:50:50 PM »

Yooper love story: (Originally Swedish love story, but I've never heard of a Swede named Ole).

Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Michigan. It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da general store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes,

she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet

Gunnguy · « **Reply #761 on:** February 10, 2012, 09:53:09 PM »

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap
me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him
and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one
arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers,
you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND
me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down
one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just
like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of
the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."

JesseL · « **Reply #762 on:** February 10, 2012, 10:30:09 PM »

That last joke seems familiar.

Gunnguy · « **Reply #763 on:** February 10, 2012, 10:55:07 PM »

I know. It's just so good I had to post it again.

strangelittleman · « **Reply #764 on:** February 11, 2012, 09:55:37 AM »

Political Humor:
A liberal, a conservative, a common sense liberal and a compassionate conservative all walk in to a bar, the bar tender looks up and says, " Hi Mitt!"

Abortion Humor:
Knock, Knock....
Who's there?...
Who's there?...
I guess we'll never know......

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #765 on:** February 18, 2012, 01:24:27 AM »

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost

zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and

wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it

warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her

daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a

snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a

snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a

snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the

snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not

having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow

stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for

her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was

alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she

was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when

caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she

wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over

to Sears next.

fnfnc64 · « **Reply #766 on:** February 19, 2012, 05:40:00 PM »

fnfnc64 · « **Reply #767 on:** February 21, 2012, 09:58:55 PM »

From the Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.
Obama was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.

Stevie-Ray · « **Reply #768 on:** February 23, 2012, 05:52:04 PM »

> Barack Obama was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.
> Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car
> comes to a stop. Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you
> were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is
> dead.
> 'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Obama.
>
> Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a
> big grin on his face. 'My god, what happened to you?' asks Obama.
> The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
> of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to
> me.'
>
> 'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Obama.
>
> 'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm
> Barack Obama's chauffeur and I've just run over the jackass.'

coelacanth · « **Reply #769 on:** February 24, 2012, 04:09:37 AM »

goatroper · « **Reply #770 on:** February 25, 2012, 11:05:03 AM »

Not so much for stealing this from http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/archives/009125.html ; more for printing it.

Two Norwegians from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd.

They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: ...

... "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis," Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues
to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting and now Lars, hengliding."

Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

the556GRIZZLY · « **Reply #771 on:** February 25, 2012, 11:48:36 AM »

Uffda mada der den dat was a good one ja ja

coelacanth · « **Reply #772 on:** February 25, 2012, 11:41:19 PM »

Are those the same guys that run Northwoods Air Service? I remember being on a flight a while back when the captain got on the intercom and asked the passengers to join in the pre-flight prayer.

He continued and the cabin crew and passengers joined in, "Father, son and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Duluth or pretty close. Amen.".

Outbreak · « **Reply #773 on:** February 26, 2012, 07:37:37 PM »

I always refer to getting a "blessing" (like the boss approved doing something) as "Omni, Omni, VOR, ILS and PAR." All while doing the sign of the cross.

Aviation geek humor.

Canthros · « **Reply #774 on:** March 05, 2012, 09:02:10 PM »

I wanted to thank a couple of you guys for the wonderful, awful Norwegian jokes. I've been sharing them with my parents every couple of weeks, when I visit (though they live in Kentucky now, both are originally from ~~Lower Upper Scandihoovia~~South Dakota). Though there has been much groaning, they haven't beaten me, yet.