The Great Big Thread of Jokes

[huey148]

Ah, that's an oldie but a goody!

here's one in return:

A hundred taliban fighters are walking through a pass in the Kush in Afghanistan when suddenly a US Special Forces soldier darts out in front of them, shows him his foot and quickly runs back behind a large group of boulders.

"Oh the great insult!" the tali leader shouts out "Ahkmed, go bring me the head of that infidel!"

Ahkmed runs off behind the boulder brandishing a large knife, a scuffle is heard and the SF trooper reappears, tosses Ahkmed's head back at his comrades, shoots the shocked group the bird and darts back behind the boulders.

"You shall pay for this you American dog!" screams the leader...Omar, you and Houshmand go end this vile creatures days"

Off the two run with AK's behind the boulders, a burst of AK fire is heard and the taliban groups stares at amazement as the bodies of the two are thrown back over the boulders and land before them with their own AK rifles protruding out of their backsides.

"OH GREAT SATAN YOU SHALL PAY!!!" the leader screams and charges the boulder with half his group in tow carrying AK's, machine guns and PRG's..

a great commotion is heard with shouting, automatic weapons fire, explosions and flames erupting in the fight....

as the remaining taliban stand around wondering what to do the leader appears crawling from behind the boulders, his arm twisted and broken behind his back, one eye ripped out of the socket, a deep gash across his chest and one leg completely ripped off....suddenly a hand appears from behind the boulder, grabs the taliban commanders one remaining ankle and starts dragging him back behind the boulder...

"Save yourselves brothers!!" cries the leader  "its a trap...there are TWO of them!!!!!"""

[WeTheArmed.com]

[Matthew Mayner]

Nice.   

[Storyteller]

A small group of US marines returned from a patrol. The acting commander stopped the squad leader and asked him how the patrol went. The squad leader stated the patrol was uneventful. They did, however find 7 Iraqi terrorists on the side of the road so they buried them. The acting commander simply said, "So they were all dead." The squad leader replied,"Well sir, three of them said they weren't but you know how those guys will lie to us."

[Stevie-Ray]

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one really good deed, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed my Keltec P-32 from my pocket, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and shot him in the head with the P-32. Laid him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' "

St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

[Thernlund]

-T.

[CameronS]

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

 

[Skeptic49]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
         
         He replied, "She called Five Horses".
     
         The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
         
         What does it mean?"
         
       The Old Indian answered,
         "It is an old Indian Name. It means . . .
         
          . . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"

Geoff
Who notes he nags more than his wife.

[M1911a1lvr]

I saw a bumper sticker on a back of a truck the other day, It said:

    "Gotta a gun for my wife, What a trade!!.

Then i saw another one on the back of a car:

   "There are Omnivores, Carnivores and Vegetarians. Me I'm a Vaginatarian." 

[stephendutton]

Iceland went bankrupt, then suddenly caught fire.
I am I the only one who thinks this sounds like an insurance scam?

[FMJ]

[Harm]

I nominate this page for the funniest page thus far.  Awesome guys. 

[Raptor]

FMJ, I think I had a heart attack just from looking at that picture!   

[FMJ]

I like how the trees farthest to the left or right are made out of either jamon serrano, or prosciutto.

[Bud]

The Haircut

 One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

 After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist
was pleased and left the shop.

 When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.'  The cop was happy and left the shop.

 The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the
shop.

 The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


 BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME
REASON!

[FMJ]

Edit by JesseL to fix broken img tag

[Deer Hunter]

[FMJ]

[FMJ]

[coelacanth]

Indiana Girls . . .

Three friends married women from different parts of the midwest.  The first man married a woman from Ohio.  He told her that she was to do the dishes and keep the house cleaned.  It took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Michigan.  He gave his wife instructions to do all the cleaning, the cooking and the dishes.  The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw things were getting better.  When he came home the third day he saw the house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a nice dinner ready for him on the table.

The third man married a woman from Indiana.  He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes done, lawn mowed, laundry done and have a hot meal on the table when he came home.  The first day he didn't see anything.  The second day he didn't see anything.  By the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.  His arm was healed enough that he could make himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.  He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[Stevie-Ray]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow.  Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his f****n' widow."

[Stevie-Ray]

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger.'
 The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
 'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming
or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
 'OK,' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'
 The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
 To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know
s**t?

[FMJ]

[FMJ]

[Raptor]

That would be funny, except it's true. Replace the words "white man" with "Washington" and it becomes even more true.

[Bo Smith]

Gary Coleman's casket:



It already has his name on it.