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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 212898 times)

AR lover

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #50 on: July 04, 2009, 11:56:27 PM »
My go-to joke:

Q:  How do you stop a Mexican tank?

A:  Shoot the people pushing it!

:neener :hide :devillol
lol, thats great.   

I was told this a while ago:

Why does mexico not have a olympic team?   Everyone who can run, jump, or swim is in America already.
 ;D

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    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #51 on: July 06, 2009, 09:22:52 AM »
    It was the first day of a school in USA, and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death?"
    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.
    "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
    "Very good!"
    Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
    Again, no response, except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.
    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
    She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians."
    "Who said that?", she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
    "General Custer, 1862."
    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
    The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
    Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
    Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
    Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
    The teacher fainted.

    And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!" And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."

    Stevie-

    You are KING!

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #52 on: July 06, 2009, 09:28:42 AM »
    Here's my favorite joke . . .

    Peter goes to the doctor, sits down in the exam room and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." The doctor is, of course, shocked. "Oh, no," he says, "You don't want this. You do NOT want this. It would change your life forever, and not in a good way."

    Peter looks up at the doctor stubbornly and says, "Doc, this is what I want. If you won't do it, I'll go to someone who will."

    The doctor thinks for a while. "Alright, fine," he says, "I'll do it, but it goes against my moral principles."

    So he performs the operation, and sometime later, Peter is doing the John Wayne walk down the hospital corridor with his drip pan. While he's walking, he bumps into a friend walking the same way.

    "Hey, Jim," he greets the friend. "Looks like you got the same operation I did."

    "Yup," Jim says happily, "I decided that after 30-some years of life that I wanted to be circumcised."

    Peter stares at him in horror. "s___!" he screams, "THAT'S the word!"

     ;D

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #53 on: July 07, 2009, 11:46:13 PM »


    ......................Bob:  "Logic huh?  They teach that?  What's that all about?"

    Mike:  "Well... do you have a dog house?"

    Bob:  "No."

    Mike: "F_______GGG!!!!"
    Oh man, I almost pissed myself :rotfl

    On another note......................

    >             Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
    >             for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
    >             when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    >
    >             What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
    >             little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
    >             starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
    >             because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
    >             pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
    >             of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    >
    >             I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
    >             it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
    >             eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
    >             complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
    >             mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
    >             my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
    >             the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
    >             an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
    >
    >             I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
    >             laughing so hard.




      
    « Last Edit: July 08, 2009, 07:51:28 PM by Stevie-Ray »

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #54 on: July 16, 2009, 05:00:31 PM »
    A business man got on an elevator.

     When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who
     greeted him with a bright,

       "T-G-I-F."

     He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

     She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more
     slowly.

     He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

     The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
     her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
     "T-G-I-F."

     The man smiled back to her and once again,
     "S-H-I-T."

     The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

     'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's
      Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

      The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry,
      Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    strangelittleman

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #55 on: July 16, 2009, 05:05:37 PM »
    A teacher asked her students to associate the colors of a roll of life savers with the flavors....
    The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

    Red.....................Cherry
    Yellow................Lemon
    Green..................Lime
    Orange ...............Orange

    Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children
    could identify the taste.

    The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
    sometimes call your father.'

    One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh
    my God! They're a$$-holes!

    The teacher had to leave the room!

    Semper Gumby.....Always Flexible.
    Vision without action is a daydream, Action without vision is a nightmare.
    Zol zayn azoy.

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #56 on: July 16, 2009, 05:14:48 PM »
    A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
    hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following
    her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

    When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
    following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
    looked around, there were three cops following her.

    Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
    screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten
    minutes later, she innocently walked out.

    The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Then,
    without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of
    you thought I would make it."
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #57 on: July 16, 2009, 05:45:53 PM »
    A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

    Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

    Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

    'I was stung by a bee', she said.

    'Where', he asked.

    'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

    He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Degrees of Blonde

    FIRST DEGREE
    A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'

    The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

    SECOND DEGREE
    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

    The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
    So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
    The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

    THIRD DEGREE
    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

    The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!'
    The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

    FOURTH DEGREE
    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me ... I know 'em all.'

    A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
    The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'

    FIFTH DEGREE
    Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
    A: 'Is it mine?'

    SIXTH DEGREE
    Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

    Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

    SEVENTH DEGREE
    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #58 on: July 16, 2009, 05:49:38 PM »
    A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

    Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

    'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
    'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

    'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
    'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

    'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

    'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door, this is our outhouse!"
    .
    Government workers are so smart.
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #59 on: July 16, 2009, 08:43:46 PM »

    >             Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
    >             for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
    >             when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    >
    >             What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
    >             little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
    >             starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
    >             because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
    >             pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
    >             of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    >
    >             I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
    >             it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
    >             eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
    >             complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
    >             mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
    >             my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
    >             the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
    >             an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
    >
    >             I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
    >             laughing so hard.

    Oh, man, I almost fell out my chair I was laughing so hard!  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #60 on: July 16, 2009, 11:03:12 PM »
    Older people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
    An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this "first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
     Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
     
    'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

    The doctor was shocked!  'You asked your neighbor?'

     The old man replied, 'Yep none of us could get that jar open.


    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #61 on: July 16, 2009, 11:09:17 PM »
     :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

    Oh my gosh thats' HILARIOUS!
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

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    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #62 on: July 17, 2009, 05:03:43 PM »
    Quote
    You might be a redneck, if you have a recipe for catfish lasagna

    -Jeff Foxworthy
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #63 on: July 18, 2009, 12:29:34 AM »
    How to be politically correct with your wife

    She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
    She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
    She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
    She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
    She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
    She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
    She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
    She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
    She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
    She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
    She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
    She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
    She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
    She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE


    Credit goes out to whomever came up with this; I'm just sharing it.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    AR lover

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #64 on: July 18, 2009, 11:46:33 PM »
    Well, here is one I have...

    There was a guy, a great dude, so, once apon a time, God asked him if He (God) could do anything for the guy. The dude says "ya know, a highway to hawaii would be great, so i don't have to fly".

    God responds "well, i would do that, but it would take so much, changing weather patterns and tides, and i am not feeling in the mood to do that..."

    So the guy replies "Okay, how about you write me a book on how to understand weomen?"

    "Do you want that highway 2 or 4 lanes?"

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #65 on: July 20, 2009, 10:10:00 PM »
    Okay, here's another duct tape joke.

    Did you know that duct tape is just like violence? It's true: if you use some and you still have a problem, it means you haven't used enough.
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #66 on: July 22, 2009, 01:36:12 PM »
    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

    After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

    In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

    The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

    The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

    "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    strangelittleman

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #67 on: July 23, 2009, 05:38:34 PM »
    Do you know the difference between the English and the Irish?

    The English drink 12 year old Scotch and the Irish drink Scotch when their 12years old!
    Semper Gumby.....Always Flexible.
    Vision without action is a daydream, Action without vision is a nightmare.
    Zol zayn azoy.

    sarge712

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #68 on: July 24, 2009, 08:49:50 AM »
    I heard Johnny Carson tell that one years ago except it was Republicans drink 12 year old Scotch and Democrats drink Scotch when they are 12 years old
    North CarolinaBe without fear in the face of thine enemies.
    Be brave and upright that God may love thee.
    Speak the truth always even if it leads to thy death.
    Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.
    That is thine oath.

    maskedhobo

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #69 on: July 24, 2009, 04:10:54 PM »
    What did Travis say at the Alamo when he saw the Mexican Army?
    Why are there so many roofers?

    Why were only 2500 Mexicans at the Alamo?
    They only had two trucks.

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #70 on: July 24, 2009, 08:11:51 PM »
    Was in a Mexican restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I
    desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my expulsions with the beat.

    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
    lunch and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

    Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

    Guess I'll never go there again.
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    Outbreak

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #71 on: July 25, 2009, 12:41:24 AM »
    Was in a Mexican restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I
    desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my expulsions with the beat.

    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
    lunch and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

    Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

    Guess I'll never go there again.

     :rotfl
    TexasOutbreak

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #72 on: July 25, 2009, 12:57:43 AM »
    Two blondes were speeding along the freeway when a cop tries to pull them over. The blonde driving says, "Oh my gosh Buffy! Are his blue lights on?"

    Buffy says, "Yes! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No!


    A blonde is inexplicably in the middle of a wheat field rowing a boat for all she's worth. Soon a crowd forms and almost everyone laughs and shrugs it off as just another dumb blonde. Finally a blonde in the crowd has had enough and screams, "You b*&^%!!! You're making all us blondes look like fools! If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
    « Last Edit: July 25, 2009, 01:35:58 AM by sarge712 »
    North CarolinaBe without fear in the face of thine enemies.
    Be brave and upright that God may love thee.
    Speak the truth always even if it leads to thy death.
    Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.
    That is thine oath.

    chiwar7178

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #73 on: July 25, 2009, 01:14:50 AM »
    After Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, large numbers of the refugees flocked to Houston.  Within months, the violent crime and murder rates increased by 300 to 400%.  Do you know what they called it?

    Spoiler (click to show/hide)

     :rotfl
    "Malo periculosam libertatem quam quietum servitium."
    --Latin: "I prefer liberty with danger to peace with slavery."

    PrivateJoker

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #74 on: July 25, 2009, 01:41:09 AM »
    A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

    She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'  Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'  The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'  He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'  The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to Believe all those dumb blonde jokes.

    Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.  'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.


    'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
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