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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 204378 times)

FMJ

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #275 on: March 19, 2010, 01:48:12 AM »




50% of ARFCOM:


Spoiler (click to show/hide)

This one is way big:
http://www.zougla.gr/Uploads/michael/ww2onfacebook.jpg

All of these made my day a little better.
CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

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    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #276 on: March 19, 2010, 03:50:16 AM »
     :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

    Loved the last link!!!


    Warning: the following is politically incorrect and racially insensitive.  Like that's gonna stop anybody...


    ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND
     
     Please be advised: Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and
     I-90 will be closed this weekend!
     
     Expect long delays along these interstate highways
     plus major traffic disruptions in:
     
    Charleston , WV 
    Louisville , KY 
    St Louis, MO 
    Kansas City , MO     
    Omaha , NE
     
    A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota 
    so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt. Rushmore .
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    Splodge Of Doom

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #277 on: March 20, 2010, 04:23:16 PM »
    Where are cannibals introduced to new people?

    At the Meat 'N' Greet!

    Don't hurt me!... :hide

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #278 on: March 21, 2010, 10:20:14 PM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Deer Hunter

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #279 on: March 21, 2010, 11:03:28 PM »
    Spoiler (click to show/hide)
    Author of A Faerie Bad Deal, Don't Let a Murder Rune your Knight, and more!  My first book is on Amazon, here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K70XWDU

    Leave a good word on my Goodreads page too!
    https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3279777.Dean_Kennedy

    JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #280 on: March 21, 2010, 11:07:46 PM »
    Arizona

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #281 on: March 22, 2010, 08:29:29 AM »
    A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota 
    so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt. Rushmore .

    Oh, that's bad. :rotfl

    Seriously, though, I wonder if there will start to be a push to commemorate everyone's favorite politician/rock star in some lasting way.

    Skeptic49

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #282 on: March 22, 2010, 04:42:35 PM »
    Spoiler (click to show/hide)

    Please!  We need a separate thread for HORROR STORIES!

    Geoff
    Who has been warning since the 60s...sigh.

    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #283 on: March 22, 2010, 08:32:35 PM »
    Oh, that's bad. :rotfl

    Seriously, though, I wonder if there will start to be a push to commemorate everyone's favorite politician/rock star in some lasting way.

    I'll donate all the turds my household can generate in a month as building materials for the statue...
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    Bo Smith

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #284 on: March 25, 2010, 02:24:32 PM »
    In honor of health care "reform" allow me to polish this old chestnut:

    Ordering a Pizza from Big Brother

    Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

    Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

    Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

    Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

    Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

    Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

    Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

    Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

    Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

    Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

    Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

    Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

    Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"

    Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

    Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

    Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

    Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

    Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

    Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash Your credit card balance is over its limit."

    Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

    Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn"

    Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

    Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

    Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

    Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

    Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

    Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

    Customer: (Speechless)

    Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

    Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

    Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."
    'Civilization' is a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of chaos and darkness. -Werner Herzog

    Al Gore did not invent the internet, but he did make up global warming.

    http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #285 on: March 25, 2010, 03:55:54 PM »
    Yeah I've heard the audio for that one.  Brave New World indeed.
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

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    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #286 on: March 25, 2010, 09:22:23 PM »
    In honor of health care "reform" allow me to polish this old chestnut:

    I love it. :rotfl :clap






    << Corrected post subject from split - Thernlund >>
    « Last Edit: March 27, 2010, 03:39:16 PM by Thernlund »

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #287 on: March 29, 2010, 07:52:33 PM »


    Spoiler (click to show/hide)
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Bo Smith

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #288 on: March 29, 2010, 11:09:33 PM »
    Dear Lord, In the past year you have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze; my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett; my favorite musician, Michael Jackson; my favorite salesman, Billy Mays; and my favorite athlete, Steve McNair. This has been a tough 12 months and I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama. Amen
    'Civilization' is a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of chaos and darkness. -Werner Herzog

    Al Gore did not invent the internet, but he did make up global warming.

    http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #289 on: April 02, 2010, 10:25:45 PM »



    EDIT:  I just now noticed the background.  :rotfl
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #290 on: April 03, 2010, 04:07:21 AM »
    HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


    Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Storyteller

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #291 on: April 05, 2010, 08:01:00 PM »
     :bravo :cheers
    HawaiiA cup of campfire coffee, in a hot tin cup, with a splash of Irish whiskey is why the Gods get up in the morning.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #292 on: April 09, 2010, 09:51:16 AM »


    Notice the setting AND the camera.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #293 on: April 12, 2010, 12:50:40 AM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #294 on: April 21, 2010, 01:06:58 AM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #295 on: April 22, 2010, 12:24:03 AM »
    GOD BLESS AMERICA
    Raleigh , NC (UPI) -- Jeff Gordon announced today that he was
    >firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to
    > take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem
    > youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
    > documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a
    > set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment; whereas
    > Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of
    > dollars worth of high tech equipment.
    >
    > It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management
    > team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.
    >
    > However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!
    > At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced
    > crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within
    > 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered
    > the VIN, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud Lite, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff
    > Gordon's wife in the shower.

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #296 on: April 23, 2010, 10:12:27 AM »
     :rotfl :rotfl

    HA HA HA HA

    Now THATS FUNNY!
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #297 on: May 02, 2010, 11:19:57 PM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    LittleLebowski

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    The Marine and the insurgent
    « Reply #298 on: May 04, 2010, 12:27:51 PM »
    A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men. The squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

    The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

    "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved.

    "He yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive, and Obama is an idiot.

    "So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

    "He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!'

    "And there we were in the middle of the road, shaking hands . . when we were hit by a truck."

    FMJ

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    Re: The Marine and the insurgent
    « Reply #299 on: May 04, 2010, 12:32:35 PM »
    :rotfl
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

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