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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 204242 times)

FMJ

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #250 on: February 19, 2010, 08:13:56 PM »
If I go to college, I think I'm going to opt for Option #2.  I can say I'm a history major, I know people would believe that--or an Italian (since I speak some and like Ferraris).
CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

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    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #251 on: February 22, 2010, 08:51:47 PM »
    A woman went to her doctor for advice.

    She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

    'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do. ''Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.' 'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

    The woman was mystified.

    'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

     'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think people like Nancy Pelosi come from.'

     


    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #252 on: February 24, 2010, 12:48:45 PM »
    ^ Womp womp.

    :clap
    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #253 on: February 25, 2010, 07:55:14 PM »




    Sorry about the fact that it says A-hole, but it is very fitting.
    « Last Edit: February 26, 2010, 12:41:25 AM by FMJ »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    PrivateJoker

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #254 on: February 26, 2010, 01:52:32 AM »
    Crazy word game This is so strange!!!!



    A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?

    B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

    C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking idiots and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, bastards with you"?












    How weird is that???
    WashingtonA Veteran, whether active duty, retired, national guard, or reserve, is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #255 on: February 26, 2010, 07:27:04 AM »
    Joker wins the thread. :rotfl

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #256 on: February 26, 2010, 07:03:47 PM »
    JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

    A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and
    asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
    restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

    The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give
    Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

    The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
    shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
    cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
    Jesus, over there?"

    The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
    hot tea, "My treat."

    The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
    He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
    about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
    restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

    The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
    beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him
    and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the
    strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

    Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
    kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up
    and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips
    out the door.

    Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

    The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm
    collecting disability."
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    PrivateJoker

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #257 on: February 27, 2010, 12:26:30 AM »
    Joker wins the thread. :rotfl

    Technically, Daylight wins the thread.  He emailed it to me.
    WashingtonA Veteran, whether active duty, retired, national guard, or reserve, is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #258 on: February 27, 2010, 12:34:06 AM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #259 on: March 01, 2010, 08:28:38 PM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #260 on: March 02, 2010, 12:30:54 AM »
    > > The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same
    > > day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope
    > went
    > > to Hell and Tiger went
    > > to Heaven.
     
    > > The Pope explains the situation to the administrative
    > clerk
    > > in
    > > Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that
    > there is
    > > an
    > > error.
    > > "However", the clerk explains, "it will be
    > > 24 hours before it can
    > > be rectified".

    > > Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him

    > > farewell.

    > > On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down
    > from
    > > Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

    > > Pope:  "Sorry about the mix
    > > up."

    > > Tiger:  "No problem."
    > > Pope: "I am really anxious to get
    > > to heaven."

    > > Tiger: "Why is that?"

    > > Pope: "All my life I have wanted
    > > to meet the Virgin Mary"

    > > Tiger: "You're a day late."

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #261 on: March 02, 2010, 12:33:40 AM »
    OH MY GOSH!!!  That was BAD!!!   :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl  So was not expecting the end to that one! 
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #262 on: March 02, 2010, 12:48:38 AM »
    Secret Code

    After a President has been in office for one year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

    So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

    370H-SSV-0773H

    This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

    So he took the note to his wife.  She was unable to decipher it.

    They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message.  They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

    Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

    They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

    Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

    They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

    A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

    All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

    After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

    George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud .... you're holding it upside down!'

     
    *******************************************************************************************************************





        The year is 1947

        

        Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

        

        However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

        

          Albert A. Gore, Jr..

          Hillary Rodham

          John F... Kerry

          William J. Clinton

          Howard Dean

          Nancy Pelosi

          Dianne Feinstein

          Charles E. Schumer

          Barbara Boxer

        

          See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

          I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

        

          No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!


    ************************************************************************************************************************



    Little Firefighter



    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

    The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

    'Thanks,' the girl replied.
    The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
     
    « Last Edit: March 02, 2010, 01:36:57 AM by Stevie-Ray »

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #263 on: March 03, 2010, 07:01:40 PM »
          HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A
          POSITIVE OUTLOOK
    > 1. Open a new
          file in your computer.
          
    > 2. Name it
          'Barack Obama'.
    > 3. Send it to
          the Recycle Bin.
    > 4. Empty the
          Recycle Bin.
    > 5. Your PC will
          ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
          
    > 6. Firmly Click
          'Yes.'
    > 7. Feel better?
          GOOD! -
          Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi  

    ************************************************************************************************************************

    A Blonde's Year in  Review

    January  Took new scarf back to  store because it was too tight. 

    February  Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
    Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

    March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box
    said '2-4 years!'

    April  Trapped on escalator for  hours ...  Power went out!!!

    May Tried to make Kool  Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! 

    June Tried to go water  skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.   

    July Lost breast stroke  swimming competition..... Learned later, the other
    swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

    August Got locked out of my car  in rain storm..... Car swamped because soft-top was open.

    September     The capital of  California is  'C'.....isn't it???   

    October Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel. 

    November     Baked turkey for 4 1/2  days  ...  Instructions said  1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! 

    December

    Couldn't  call  911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid 
    phone!!! 



    THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

    A  man was in his front yard mowing grass when his  attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

    She opened it then slammed  it shut and stormed back into the  house.   

    A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed  it shut harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

    To which she replied, 'There  certainly is!'





    'My stupid computer keeps  saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
    « Last Edit: March 04, 2010, 02:33:17 PM by Stevie-Ray »

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #264 on: March 04, 2010, 05:31:14 PM »
    Tiger: "You're a day late."

    Oh . . . wow.

     :rotfl :rotfl

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #265 on: March 05, 2010, 10:48:30 PM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    AR lover

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #266 on: March 05, 2010, 11:25:31 PM »


    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #267 on: March 05, 2010, 11:56:17 PM »


    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #268 on: March 07, 2010, 06:44:49 PM »
    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense
    of humor.

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints
    submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the
    solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
    maintenance engineers.

    By the way,UPS is the only major
    airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    *
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    *
    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.
    *
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    *
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
    *
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    *
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    *
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    *
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
    *
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    *
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    *
    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
    *
    P:Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    *
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    *
    And the best one for last
    *
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
    Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from the midget.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #269 on: March 10, 2010, 10:06:10 PM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #270 on: March 10, 2010, 10:19:26 PM »
    HUSBAND STORE

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

     

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

     

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.

    So she continues upward.  The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

     

     

    PLEASE  NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

    akodo

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #271 on: March 10, 2010, 10:33:21 PM »
    Why did the Romans eventually stop with the Colosseum shows?

    The lions ate up all the profits     (Prophets)


    Van Gogh goes into a bar and sits down.  An art history professor spots him and walks over, introduces himself and says 'Let me get you something! what do you want? A glass of wine? a beer? scotch?

    Van Gogh says 'I have one ear'  (one here)

    archerandshooter

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #272 on: March 10, 2010, 11:01:18 PM »
    A B-flat, a D-flat and an F walk into a bar.   The bartender tells them, "we don't serve minors in here".



    So the D-flat leaves and the B-flat and the F have an open fifth between them.
    TWN KALON AGWNA HGWNISMAI

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #273 on: March 11, 2010, 06:21:23 AM »
    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

     :devillol

    Thernlund

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #274 on: March 15, 2010, 05:20:21 PM »
    Arizona  Arm yourself because no one else here will save you.  The odds will betray you, and I will replace you...

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