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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 208141 times)

Stevie-Ray

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #225 on: February 04, 2010, 12:31:28 AM »
Quote
"Just how many is a brazilian?"
:rotfl

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    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #226 on: February 05, 2010, 10:54:13 PM »


    So you gonna get a barrel for that?
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #227 on: February 05, 2010, 11:28:37 PM »
    He SBR'd it.  Just forgot to cut the shroud down...  :)
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #228 on: February 08, 2010, 01:24:47 AM »
    Quote
    A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious 'Al-Gebra' movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they
    belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.'
    As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

    It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

    Credit is due to whomever came up with it, because I haven't got a clue.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    sohmdaddy

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #229 on: February 08, 2010, 03:37:05 AM »


    So you gonna get a barrel for that?

    Nah, too heavy.

    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #230 on: February 08, 2010, 07:48:50 PM »
    'Al-Gebra'!!!   :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :clap   That is just awesome.



    A woman walked up to a wrinkled, little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

    "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

    "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

    "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

    "Twenty-six."
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #231 on: February 08, 2010, 08:01:34 PM »
    San Francisco does their part to help out in Haiti:

    (perfectly safe for work, don't worry)

    Spoiler (click to show/hide)
    Arizona

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #232 on: February 08, 2010, 08:22:54 PM »
    Wow.  It even has pussified handwriting.  Fail.


    Funny thing is that the Arabs did invent algebra.  The name comes from the term "al-jabr."
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #233 on: February 08, 2010, 08:26:34 PM »
    San Francisco does their part to help out in Haiti:

    :facepalm :rotfl

    Seriously, who's doing yoga in Haiti?

    JKimball

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #234 on: February 08, 2010, 08:38:52 PM »
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    Seriously, who's doing yoga in Haiti?

    In fairness, a yoga mat would make a pretty good bed compared to the hard ground.

    PrivateJoker

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #235 on: February 08, 2010, 11:24:21 PM »
    Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

    Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

    Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!




    I was so depressed last night thinking about the proposed Health Care legislation, Social Security, the economy, the wars, the lost jobs, my savings, and my retirement IRA, that I called Lifeline -  the suicide help line. I got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

    They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
    > >
    WashingtonA Veteran, whether active duty, retired, national guard, or reserve, is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #236 on: February 09, 2010, 01:07:57 PM »
    An important message from the president to you regarding healthcare:

    Maybe slightly NSFW.
    Spoiler (click to show/hide)

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #237 on: February 10, 2010, 10:19:31 PM »
    Not a joke

    King Arthur and the Witch:


    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

    The question:  What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

    He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

    Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

    But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

    The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

    The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Tableand Arthur's closest friend!

    Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

    He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

    He said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of theRound Table.

    Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

    "What a woman really wants," she answered..."is to be in charge of her own life."
     
    Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

    And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

    The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lie before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

    The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

    Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?

    Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

    What would YOU do?

    What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?








    Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

    Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

    Now....what is the moral to this story?

     






    The moral is....
    If you don't let a woman have her own way...
    Things are going to get ugly.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #238 on: February 10, 2010, 10:35:35 PM »
    Good.  No pop-up surprise pictures of Nancy Pelosi.  I'm relieved.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #239 on: February 10, 2010, 11:07:46 PM »
    We can arrange for that if you'd like...
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #240 on: February 11, 2010, 12:12:40 AM »
    We can arrange for that if you'd like...

    No, that's clearly a party foul and violates human rights.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #241 on: February 15, 2010, 09:13:23 AM »
    To FMJ:
    Spoiler (click to show/hide)



    I actually did this myself on a whim; it communicates my opinions towards man-made global warming quite clearly. 

    Global Warming A-Z
    "A" is for Al Gore. An overweight white boy who enjoys backing up his "global warming is real" statements with studies that have in fact concluded the exact opposite.

    "B" is for Barbara Streisand. A self-proclaimed expert on weather and how it is related to global warming.

    "C" is for carbon dioxide. A gas that, when conserved by global warming advocate, gives them the right to become smug.

    "D" is for dollars, which environmentalists insist we give them an unlimited supply of to repair the ozone layer.

    "E" is for El Niño, which environmentalists insist is because of global warming, despite the fact that it has been going on since the Jurassic period.

    "F" is for fracture in the earth's crust, or earthquake, which Danny Glover insisted was caused by global warming.

    "G" is for global warming advocate. These hippies are renowned for their ability to look down on the rest of mankind for not conserving energy as much as they do.

    "H" is for hothouse, which environmentalists insist earth is becoming a giant one of, all because of us big bad humans.

    "I" is for India, which environmentalists insist is not causing the global warming problem . . . it is the US and the US alone.

    "J" is for jelly donut. See "Al Gore" again.

    "K" is for king-sized. See "Al Gore" . . . again.

    "L" is for looseness, which is the policy environmentalists like to apply to the facts.

    "M" is for mania. See "'Nuff Said."

    "N" is for 'nuff said. See "Mania."

    "O" is for ozone layer, which environmentalists insist the US is destroying, despite lots of evidence that says otherwise.

    "P" is for persistence. Environmentalists utilize this by repeatedly ignoring the facts and telling you that they are right.

    "Q" is for quack. See "Al Gore" yet again.

    "R" is for regulations on absolutely everything, which environmentalists insist will solve the global warming "problem."

    "S" is for server, which was hacked and caused Climategate.

    "T" is for transform, which is what environmentalists did with their theory when it was proved wrong. See, in the '60s, they were worried about a new ice age, and now they're worried about the earth heating up. Hmm.

    "U" is for underwater, which is where environmentalists insist New York will be in two years unless we give them a kajillion dollars.

    "V" is for vested interests, which the environmentalists have in global warming and grants them the mysterious ability to become rich off of global warming.

    "W, X, Y, and Z" are simply the only letters I was unable to think of terms for.

    archerandshooter

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #242 on: February 15, 2010, 09:14:24 PM »
    How about these?...

    W is for warming, which all this snow in Texas makes me wish was real.

    X is for X-rays, which the environmentalists will use on our wallets to find any dollars they haven't taxed away yet.

    Y is for Yukon, the soon-to-be home of hot-climate desert-loving creatures everywhere.

    Z is for ZERO, which is how much credibility Gore & Co have left.
    TWN KALON AGWNA HGWNISMAI

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #243 on: February 15, 2010, 09:35:47 PM »
    Not so much a joke but an excerpt from a conversation I had earlier today. A little background: I am taking a course in fencing this semester to fulfill my biokinetics requirement. Pretty much everyone in the class has never fenced before, except one guy; he's been part of a fencing club for something like 6 years. No one wants to fence with him because he's world's better than the rest of us. After class today, I got to talking to the class' TA (who's a friend of mine), and the conversation eventually turned to this guy.

    TA: I don't understand why no one wants to fight this guy; he's so good, you'd think they'd ask him to give them pointers.

    Me: Hey, I've fought with him a couple times, and he's given me a whole lot of pointers. Mostly around the solar plexus.
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    Outbreak

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #244 on: February 16, 2010, 03:12:17 PM »
    to fulfill my biokinetics requirement

    Is that a college word for "gym class?"
    TexasOutbreak

    I take my coffee black...like my rifles.

    I absolutely despise Glocks. That's why I only own two.

    I'm glad that your chains rest lightly upon you. --JesseL

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #245 on: February 16, 2010, 06:35:04 PM »
    Yep, 'tis just a fancy way of saying gym.
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

    “Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

    "When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #246 on: February 17, 2010, 11:25:26 PM »
    A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


    The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

    The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... 



       
    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


     

    " Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
     
     
     
    *****************************************************************************************************************



    New Supermarket In Oklahoma

    A new supermarket opened in Norman. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

    When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

    In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

    When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

    The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

    I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #247 on: February 19, 2010, 07:29:20 PM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #248 on: February 19, 2010, 08:03:54 PM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Canthros

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #249 on: February 19, 2010, 08:10:50 PM »
    That's ... uh, FMJ? I'm not sure that's a joke, per se.
    Kentucky

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