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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 212956 times)

Raptor

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #200 on: January 28, 2010, 07:45:07 PM »
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
------------

Okay, I think I finally got a good one.

A young pastor fresh out of seminary starts a church in a big-sized town. Now, the town already has two churches, but both of the veteran pastors are more than willing to welcome another man of the cloth into the community. They decide to take their new friend out fishing one Saturday afternoon. The three of them drive out to the lake, unload the boat, row all the way out to the center of the lake, when they realize they left all of their bait back in the truck.

"Don't worry," the first veteran pastor says, "I'll get them." With that, he hops out of the boat and, to the young pastor's amazement, walks across the water to the shore, retrieves the bait, and walks back. Needless to say, the young pastor is struck speechless by this remarkable display of faith.

Twenty minutes later, the second veteran pastor remembers that he promised to call his wife once the three of them got to the lake, but he left his phone in the truck's glove compartment. "Excuse me," he says, "I'll be back in a few minutes. He too hops out of the boat and walks across the water to the shore. A quick phone call later and he returns to the boat the same way.

Now the young pastor is overcome with emotion at the incredible levels of faith and devotion displayed by his two older compatriots. Wishing to show that he too is devout and faithful, he leaps from the boat.... and promptly sinks like a stone.

The second veteran pastor turns to his old friend and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones?"
PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

“Libprogs want conservatives to be silent. Conservatives want libprogs to keep talking so the world can see just how full of sh*t they are.” – Larry Correia

"When the odds are impossible, count on crazy." - JesseL

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    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #201 on: January 29, 2010, 04:42:08 AM »
    I heard the one about the frog before, except it was Bill Clinton.  Make the gorgeous girl a 10 year old and the joke could be about Michael Jackson...

    Warning:  This one is politically incorrect and could be offensive to some.

    A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.  Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.  'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.  'They're mating,' he replied.  'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.  'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.  'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.  As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

    Spoiler (click to show/hide)

    Not really a spoiler, just didn't know what else to use to hide the potentially offensive part.
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #202 on: January 29, 2010, 06:13:51 AM »
     :rotfl

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #203 on: January 30, 2010, 09:49:30 PM »
    Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to
    my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 mph with
    her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
    I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
    halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
    As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my
    electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
    In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
    against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear
    which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big
    Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and
    disconnected an important call.
    Damn women drivers ! !

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #204 on: January 30, 2010, 10:41:59 PM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #205 on: January 30, 2010, 10:46:37 PM »
    What did I tell you guys about that logo?

    Arizona

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #206 on: January 30, 2010, 10:54:02 PM »
    :rotfl
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Canthros

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #207 on: January 30, 2010, 11:08:29 PM »
    What did I tell you guys about that logo?
    :nervous

    The one thing I don't understand: why is he hiding in a jacuzzi? Does zack hate bubbles?
    Kentucky

    JesseL

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #208 on: January 30, 2010, 11:12:36 PM »
    Hiding in a bathtub for certain circumstances might make sense if you have an old fashioned cast iron or maybe porcelain tub, but with fiberglass or ABS plastic it's just really lousy concealment.
    Arizona

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #209 on: January 30, 2010, 11:31:35 PM »
    Anti-lock plastic?
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    JD

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #210 on: January 30, 2010, 11:32:31 PM »
    What did I tell you guys about that logo?



    Bwahahahahah! 
         :rotfl

    MarshallDodge

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #211 on: January 31, 2010, 12:04:49 AM »
    The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

     
    1.The stamp is in perfect order.

     
    2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.

     
    3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
    "A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have." -Thomas Jefferson

    Beamish

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #212 on: January 31, 2010, 12:25:44 AM »
    :nervous

    The one thing I don't understand: why is he hiding in a jacuzzi? Does zack hate bubbles?
    It was a series of "I Am Legend" pics the ARFCOMMERS posted - Will Smith is shown curled up in the tub with his M4 during the start of the trailer.


    PrivateJoker

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #213 on: January 31, 2010, 01:26:47 AM »
    Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they
    learned about the history of Valentine's Day.


    'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
    asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?


    Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would
    get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'


    'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.


    'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.


    'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
    could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to
    think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
    little bit.


    And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd
    love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to
    tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone
    anymore.'


    Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
    pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'


    'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
    Marines could shoot the bastard.'
    WashingtonA Veteran, whether active duty, retired, national guard, or reserve, is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #214 on: January 31, 2010, 01:37:19 AM »
    I didn't even notice the dog on my original post until I went back and looked at it.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #215 on: February 01, 2010, 08:04:39 AM »
    What did I tell you guys about that logo?



    BWA HA HA.  :devillol

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #216 on: February 01, 2010, 06:57:27 PM »
    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.
           I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make    I found the number and dialed it A man answered, saying 'Hello. I politely said, Hello. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'  
    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.  I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.      
    When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
          When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a**hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a**hole". It always cheered me up.
          
    When Caller ID was introduced,
    I thought my theraputic  'a**hole'
    calling would have to stop.
          
    So, I called his number and said,
    'Hi,  this is John Smith from the telephone company.
    I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
            
    He yelled
    'NO!'
    and slammed down the phone.
          
    I quickly called him back and said,
    'That's because you're an a**hole!'
    and hung up.
        
    One day I was at the store,
    getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
        
    Some guy in a black BMW
    cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
          
    I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
    but the idiot ignored me.
          
    I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
    so I wrote down his number.
          
    A couple of days later,
    right after calling the first a**hole
    (I had his number on speed dial,)
    I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.
        
    I said,
    'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
          
    He said,
    'Yes, it is.'
          
    I then asked,
    'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
        
    He said,
    'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree  Blvd , in Fairfax .
    It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
          
    I asked,
    'What's your name?'
        
    He said,
    'My name is Don Hansen,'
            
    I asked,
    'When's  a good time to catch you, Don?'
          
    He said,
    'I'm home every evening after five.'
        
    I said,
    'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
        
    He said,
    'Yes?'
          
    I said,
    'Don, you're an a**hole!'
          
    Then I hung up,
    and added his number to my speed dial, too.
          
    Now, when I had a problem,
    I had two a**holes to call.
        
    Then I came up with an idea...
          
    I called a**hole #1.
        
    He said,
    'Hello.'
        
    I said,
    'You're an a**hole!'
    (But I didn't hang up.)
        
    He asked,
    'Are you still there?'
          
    I said,
    'Yeah!'
          
    He screamed,
    'Stop calling me,'
          
    I said,
    'Make me,'
          
    He asked,
    'Who are you?'
        
    I said,
    'My name is Don Hansen.'
        
    He said,
    'Yeah? Where do you live?'
          
    I said,
    'A**hole, I live at 34  Oaktree  Blvd , in Fairfax ,
    a yellow ranch style home and
    I have a black Beamer  parked in front.'
          
    He said,
    'I'm coming over right now, Don.
    And you had better start saying your prayers.'
          
    I said,
    'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,'
    and hung up.
        
    Then I called A**hole #2.
          
    He said,
    'Hello?'
          
    I said,
    'Hello, a**hole,'
          
    He yelled,
    'If I ever find out who you are...'
          
    I said,
    'You'll what?'
          
    He exclaimed,
    'I'll kick your ass,'
          
    I answered,
    'Well, a**hole, here's your chance.
    I'm coming over right now.'
        
    Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
    saying that I lived at  34  Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
    and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
          
    Then I called Channel 7 News
    about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..
            
    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
        
    I got there just in time to watch two a**holes
    beating the crap out of each other
    in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
    and surrounded by a news crew.
          
    NOW I feel much better.
        
    Anger management really does work.

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #217 on: February 01, 2010, 07:04:28 PM »
    I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. A big :clap to you, man.  :rotfl

    Thernlund

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #218 on: February 01, 2010, 07:15:12 PM »
    :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

    That was damn funny.  :rotfl


    -T.
    Arizona  Arm yourself because no one else here will save you.  The odds will betray you, and I will replace you...

    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #219 on: February 01, 2010, 08:22:19 PM »
     :rotfl

    If we ever have a best joke award, I nominate that one!
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #220 on: February 01, 2010, 08:30:31 PM »
    Oh MY GOSH!!!  THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!! 

    HA HA HA
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    chiwar7178

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #221 on: February 01, 2010, 11:31:18 PM »
    Stevie-Ray... That sounds like something I'd do. :clap
    "Malo periculosam libertatem quam quietum servitium."
    --Latin: "I prefer liberty with danger to peace with slavery."

    archerandshooter

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #222 on: February 01, 2010, 11:36:52 PM »
    There 10 kinds of people in the world.


    Those who understand binary math.
    And those who don't.
     :neener
    TWN KALON AGWNA HGWNISMAI

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #223 on: February 02, 2010, 05:18:52 PM »
    The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning, and they told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken and almost in tears.

    Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a brazilian?"

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #224 on: February 03, 2010, 01:21:43 AM »


    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

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