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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 212932 times)

chiwar7178

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #150 on: November 11, 2009, 01:48:34 AM »
I had to use a porta-john the other day.  Written on the wall, in black Sharpie, was:
"LOOKING FOR A JOKE PLEASE HELP!"
Response, just below it:
[sic]"You mean something funny?  Its speled 'JOCK'."
Just below that:
"THE JOCKS' IN YOUR HAND!"--"UR MaMas hand"
Then, above the toilet seat, with a large downward-pointing arrow:
"SECRET EVACUATION ROUTE"

:doh
IDK guys... Probably some of the dudes who needed the Army to help them get their G.E.D.'s just so they could enlist.  Not that it couldn't be another service, or even civilians; just a higher likelyhood of being G.E.D.-holding soldiers due to high concentration of soldiers in this housing area.
"Malo periculosam libertatem quam quietum servitium."
--Latin: "I prefer liberty with danger to peace with slavery."

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    Skeptic49

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #151 on: November 11, 2009, 05:22:07 AM »
    Student in Search of Enlightenment:  "Professor, will the internet stamp out ignorance?"

    The Learned Professor, frowned, and after five minutes shut his eyes, in concentration..the Student in Search of Enlightenment was concerned that the Learned Professor had fallen asleep...then the Learned Professor's eyes snapped open and with a piercing gaze asked, "Do you define 'stamp out' to mean crush out of existence or reproduce in vast quantity?"

    Geoff
    Who wishes he thought this one up.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #152 on: November 18, 2009, 09:40:34 PM »
    I'm not sure that GIFs can be hotlinked, but this is Clint Eastwood's version of AARP.
    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v353/mak104/cid__1_0505E63C0505E050005AA63E8525.gif
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Grant

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #153 on: November 18, 2009, 10:58:04 PM »
     A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," he volunteered.

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident.

    "Well," he began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

    "That must've been scary," said the teacher.

    "It sure was!" said Johnny. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F***", the Rottweiler ate him!"
    Montana"I’d say the worst part of all this is the feeling of betrayal,           but I’m betting the part where they break in here and beat us to death might be worse.”

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #154 on: November 25, 2009, 01:09:58 AM »
    A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend".....
    And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?
    We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..
    'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..'
    The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,
    She does exactly what her husband asked.
    Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
    He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.
    He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

    The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".


    *************************************************************************************************************


    A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
    nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
    gloves.
    'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
    'No, I don't,' she replied.
    'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
    of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
    then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

    She didn't crack a smile.
    'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

    But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
    'What's so funny?' he asked.

    'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'




    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #155 on: December 01, 2009, 01:48:58 AM »
    A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

    "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

    "Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

    "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    Skeptic49

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #156 on: December 06, 2009, 06:13:25 PM »
    From www.jerrypournelle.com of course:

    Slide rule accuracy

    Jerry,

    Reading Doug Hayden's letter reminded me of a long ago bottom of the page Reader's Digest story.

    An engineer working on a government contract was assigned a new secretary who had no knowledge of Scientific Vocabulary. After being interrupted many times by the New Secretary as she was transcribing his Dictaphone notes and letters he told her to just type a word that was similar to the sound of the dictated word.

    After being presented with a draft of a dictated letter of a new proposal the engineer ended up literally rolling on the floor when he read the closing sentence. "The numbers in this proposal are subject to refinement since they were calculated with a sly drool."

    Bob Holmes

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #157 on: December 08, 2009, 11:00:15 PM »
    George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

    Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth wrote him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

    When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call.

    ************************************************************************************************************************************

    Golf Story


    A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

    The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said,
     "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

    The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died.

    Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.  Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock.
    He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee,
    looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

    Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
    When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

    He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

    She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson! 


     

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #158 on: December 08, 2009, 11:27:38 PM »
    I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned it
    to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
    The salesman explained that the radio was voice
    activated.

    'Nelson,' the salesman said to the
    radio.

    The radio replied, 'Ricky or
    Willie?'

    'Willie!' he continued and 'On The
    Road Again' came from the   
     speakers.

    Then he said, ' Ray Charles!' and in
    an instant ' Georgia On My  Mind' replaced Willie
    Nelson.

    I drove away happy, and for the next
    few days, every time I'd  say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful
    classical music, and if I said,  'Beatles,' I'd get one of
    their awesome songs.

    Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
    and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid
    him.  I yelled, 'A**  Hole!'

    Immediately the radio responded with,
    "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."


    Man, I love this
    truck.......

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #159 on: December 09, 2009, 07:54:08 AM »
     :rotfl

    Tanner

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #160 on: December 14, 2009, 05:08:07 PM »
     
    It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

    Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

    Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
     
    Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
     
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
     
    Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
     
    Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
     
    Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a dream?"

    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
     
    Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
     
    Johnny is even madder than before.
     
    Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
     
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
     
    Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
     
    Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
     
    When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b____es would keep their mouths shut!"
     
    The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
     
    Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
    MichiganTanner


    The wicked flee when no man pursueth, but the righteous are bold as a lion.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #161 on: December 14, 2009, 08:09:45 PM »
    While trying to escape  through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it  up.

    Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you  one wish?"

    Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!  Don't you know who I am?  I don't need any common woman giving me  anything."

    The shocked genie said, "Please, I must  grant you a wish or I will be returned to that  bottle forever."

    Osama thought a moment, then  grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I  want to awaken in the morning with three American women in my bed. So just do it and be off with  you.

    The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and  disappeared.

    The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
    His penis was gone, his  knees were broken, and he had no health  insurance.

    God is good.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #162 on: December 22, 2009, 02:03:16 AM »


     :facepalm
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #163 on: January 02, 2010, 06:41:34 PM »
      MISSING NOVA SCOTIAN WIFE

     

    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

    "Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

     The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

     "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

     Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

     The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

     The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

    Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

    The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."


    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #164 on: January 04, 2010, 12:47:09 PM »
     :rotfl
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #165 on: January 04, 2010, 01:36:25 PM »
    The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

     :devillol

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #166 on: January 05, 2010, 06:42:55 PM »
    Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

    Two days before the group is to leave, Larry's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
    Larry's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
    Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
    "Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
    "Well, I've been here since yesterday.
    Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
    I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
    She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.
    On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
    She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
    And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

    So, Here I am.

    Bo Smith

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #167 on: January 05, 2010, 06:48:34 PM »
     :clap :clap

    Kudos, sir, a ten.
    'Civilization' is a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of chaos and darkness. -Werner Herzog

    Al Gore did not invent the internet, but he did make up global warming.

    http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #168 on: January 06, 2010, 09:39:41 PM »
    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
    The letter read:
    Dear God,
    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

    Sincerely, Edna

    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..  
    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Christmas came and went.  

    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.  
    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

    It read:

    Dear God,

    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?  

    Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

    By the way, there was $4 missing.  

    I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

    Sincerely, Edna


    ***************************************************************************************************************************


    Mohammed entered his classroom.
    "What is your name?" asked the teacher.
    "Mohammed"..... answered the kid.

    "We are in America and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

    In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
    "My name is not Mohammed, I am in America and now my name is Bruce."

    "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? 

    Shame on you," and she beat him.

    Then she called the father and he too beat him.

    The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
    "What happened to you little Bruce?"

    "Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming American, I was attacked by two fargin Arabs!..."

    Crash_AF

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #169 on: January 09, 2010, 03:03:44 PM »
    Bus Load of Politicians Wreck
    A bus filled with politicians was driving through the country side one day, on the campaign trail.

    The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

    A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.

    The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

    The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
    Quote from: akodo
    as socialism/communism call for group/government ownership of means of production and allocation of resources, 'redistribution of wealth' ties in as that is necessary to move from a private ownership system to a group/government ownership syst

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #170 on: January 10, 2010, 12:56:38 AM »
    For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know

    how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

    the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

    of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .  Judge #3 was an

    inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

    from Springfield, IL .



    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

    judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at

    the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

    judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

    truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

    judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

    all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

    beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

    kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is this

    stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

    Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

    worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


    CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

    jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

    taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

    I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

    pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

    Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

    saw the look on my face.



    CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

    spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

    Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

    ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

    in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

    from all of the beer.



    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.

    Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

    dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

    but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

    buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

    fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

    just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an

    aphrodisiac?



    CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly

    ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more

    tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

    statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

    forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

    four people behind me needed paramedics. The

    contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me

    brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

    burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

    judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



    CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile.

    Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

    onions, garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

    with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

    farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

    No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

    Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

    with a snow cone.



    CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on

    canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

    in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should

    take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

    to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

    the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

    one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

    water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed

    out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

    killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

    painful.  I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

    air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

    stomach.



    CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE Judge # 1 -- The perfect
    ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to
    declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile.

    Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

    when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

    chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going  to make it. Poor
    feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chile?

    Judge # 3 - No Report.

    Crash_AF

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #171 on: January 10, 2010, 02:08:05 AM »
    The One (1) Question Test

    This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally..
    The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
     
    Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


     THE SITUATION:
     
    You are in  Florida  ,  Miami  to be specific.. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical  proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
     
    You're trying to shoot career-making photos There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

     
    THE TEST:
     
    Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar.. you suddenly realize who they are.
     
    It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever.
     
    You have two options:
     
    You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people
     
    NOW,
    Here's the question; and please give an honest answer...

    Would you select;  high contrast color film,
    or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
    Quote from: akodo
    as socialism/communism call for group/government ownership of means of production and allocation of resources, 'redistribution of wealth' ties in as that is necessary to move from a private ownership system to a group/government ownership syst

    Sanguine

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #172 on: January 11, 2010, 06:55:22 PM »
    The economy is so bad... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    The economy is so bad... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

    The economy is so bad... That CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    The economy is so bad... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

    The economy is so bad... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

    The economy is so bad... McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    The economy is so bad... Parents in  Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

    The economy is so bad... A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

    The economy is so bad... Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

    The economy is so bad... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

    The economy is so bad... The Mafia is laying off judges.

    The economy is so bad... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
    ArizonaCuriously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #173 on: January 12, 2010, 12:38:03 PM »
    Stevie Ray I just laughed so hard my sides are killing me!  I'm not from New Mexico but in Arizona it's not too far off the truth.
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #174 on: January 15, 2010, 11:17:36 PM »
     AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
     
    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
    Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m.  E.S.T.
    I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
     First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
     I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
     After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
     I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
     I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
     Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
     The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
     In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
    Thoughtfully yours,
    Alex

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