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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 204362 times)

MTK20

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #1200 on: November 02, 2015, 02:03:16 AM »
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
__________________

Deja Moo is the eerie feeling you get when you listen to a politician and think you've heard this bulls**t before.

Santa's seigh being an aircraft (of sorts), he has to have a pilot's license, and has to get it renewed regularly. The flight instructor climbed into the Sleigh, carrying a big sack. Santa asked him, "What's in the sack?" The instructor says, "I can't tell you." Santa told him that he wasn't moving till he knew what was in it, so the instructor opens the sack and pulls out a 30.06. Santa asked him what the rifle was for and the instructor replied that he couldn't say anything until they were in the air. Santa starts getting mad and says,"If you don't tell me what that rifle is for, you, your wife, and your entire family will never, EVER, get another Christmas present." And the instructor replies,"I'm supposed to see how you handle loosing an engine in flight."


Terrorists have started to target supermarkets. A bomb was found in a Wal-Mart this morning behind the alphabet spaghetti-o's. Experts said if it had gone off it could have spelled disaster.


A man was visiting an indian reservation and got talking to an old chief of the tribe. "What is your wife's name, Two Eagles?" asked the man. "My wifes name is Five Horses" said the chief.
I have heard there is usually a reason for what an indian is called said the man . "What is the reason for your wife's name?"
"NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG" said the chief.

 :rotfl

The Santa sleigh and nymphomaniac one.
Texas
Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

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    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1201 on: November 02, 2015, 05:48:02 AM »
    solid rain the past couple of days
    cleaned all the guns, sorted brass, checked the dates on the canned goods--nothing on TV  :P
    piddling my time away going through joke threads on my other forums
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Mikee5star

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1202 on: November 02, 2015, 05:08:17 PM »
    solid rain the past couple of days
    cleaned all the guns, sorted brass, checked the dates on the canned goods--nothing on TV  :P
    piddling my time away going through joke threads on my other forums

    Thanks, I needed a laugh this weekend.
    Alaska

    ZeroTA

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1203 on: November 08, 2015, 12:16:46 AM »
    An elderly couple was in church. The lady whispered to her husband, "I just let a silent fart, what should I do?" The husband whispered back, "Get new batteries for your hearing aid!"
    I'm not saying you should use an M1A for home defense, but I'm also not saying you shouldn't.

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1204 on: November 19, 2015, 10:53:44 AM »
    sent to me in an email:


    POLICE HARASSMENT
     
    Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing."  One of  the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question:

    "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
    From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:

    "First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy.  In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people. 

    Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing.  The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.

    At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty.

    So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.
     
    When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
     
    Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass.

    This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.

    What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.
     
    The tools available to us are as follow:
    PHONE:  People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment.

    "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.
    Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.
     
    CARS:  We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like.

    It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.

    Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
     
    RUNNERS:  Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny.  When you catch them you can harass them for hours to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.
     
    STATUTES:  When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.

    After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them.
    Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.

    We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they
    pay us to "harass" some people.
     
    Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me." It's one of our favorites. 

    Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better how we harass the good citizens of Chula Vista.
     
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    booksmart

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1205 on: November 19, 2015, 11:05:07 AM »
    Awesome.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1206 on: November 19, 2015, 08:29:30 PM »
    Agreed.  I'm stealing that one.   :cool
    Arizona"A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness.  Bad manners.  Lack of consideration for others in minor matters.  A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is more significant than is a riot."
                          Robert A. Heinlein ,   Friday

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1207 on: November 24, 2015, 03:36:37 PM »
    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards.
    .
    Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
    .
    For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
    .
    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.....
    .
    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.
    .
    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
    .
    Boot camp would be easier for old guys.... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
    .
    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.
    .
    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too..... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
    .
    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
    .
    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
    .
    Let us old guys track down those terrorists..... The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
    .
    HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50.... in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhh my goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1208 on: December 06, 2015, 05:29:01 PM »
    Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream “prejudice” or “bigot” these days ....


    A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

    The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

    If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

    Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

    Or, if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

    Or, if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

    The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

    The guy says, "Well then because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

    The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1209 on: December 10, 2015, 04:00:38 PM »
    Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

     “No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
     After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”


     “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

     Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

     “Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

     A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.” “And what happened honey?” he asked.

     “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

     “Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

     “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

     ***Long Pause***

     Then Daddy says,

     “Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

    Raptor

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1210 on: December 10, 2015, 04:27:51 PM »
    Chicken and Egg make hot, passionate love to each other. As they're laying in bed after, Chicken leans over and says, "Well, I guess that answers that old question."
    PennsylvaniaNon Timebo Mala -- I Will Fear No Evil

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    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1211 on: December 15, 2015, 06:12:16 PM »
    A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

    When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

    The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

    So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

    The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river..

    A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

    The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

    The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

    'Hey you!'

    So the koala looked down at him and said,

    'S**t dude...How much water did you drink!?'
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1212 on: December 15, 2015, 08:43:38 PM »
     :rotfl
    Arizona"A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness.  Bad manners.  Lack of consideration for others in minor matters.  A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is more significant than is a riot."
                          Robert A. Heinlein ,   Friday

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1213 on: December 18, 2015, 06:32:40 AM »
    A guy goes to his father and says "Dad, Jane and I are thinking of getting married."

    The Father replies "Say sorry."

    "What? Why do I have to say sorry?"

    "Say sorry!"

    "But I did nothing wrong!"

    "SAY SORRY NOW!!"

    *Okay dad, I'm sorry."

    "Well done," says the father, "Your training is over. Once you've learnt to say sorry for no reason what so ever you are ready to get married."
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1214 on: December 20, 2015, 11:56:48 AM »
    Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn’t been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

     He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

    Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.”

    Rob held the bucket up high and said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1215 on: December 20, 2015, 02:38:40 PM »
     :rotfl
    Arizona"A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness.  Bad manners.  Lack of consideration for others in minor matters.  A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is more significant than is a riot."
                          Robert A. Heinlein ,   Friday

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1216 on: December 22, 2015, 02:56:41 PM »
    OK - there's 49 pages of these so if you're feeling up to it I suggest a full review.  There's some damned funny stuff in here.   :clap 
    Arizona"A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness.  Bad manners.  Lack of consideration for others in minor matters.  A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is more significant than is a riot."
                          Robert A. Heinlein ,   Friday

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1217 on: April 12, 2016, 12:17:15 PM »

     I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

     After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

    The wife's back on the warpath again.
     She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

     I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
     
    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

     After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
     But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
     So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

     My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
     "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
     


    A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."  "That's a disgrace," said the priest,"especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

    Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

    Kaso

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1218 on: April 12, 2016, 12:33:52 PM »
    I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
    That is good.  I have a new sig line.
    Donald J Trump, by the Grace of God: 45th president of the United States.
    20 January 2017, 12:01pm
    Here's to a great four years!

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1219 on: September 29, 2016, 10:12:46 AM »
    Apparently, the economy is not doing too well for our English brethren; the unrest began last Tuesday, when ISIS announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this October, from  72 to 54.  A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.         

    The suicide bombers' union, aka the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs  (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.

    General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.  We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is  like a kick in the teeth".

    Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, ISIS chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathise with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

    Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland, Wales, and the  entire Australian continent, stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.   
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1220 on: October 23, 2016, 07:26:47 AM »
    a random set of pics
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1221 on: October 23, 2016, 03:51:53 PM »
     :cool
    Arizona"A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness.  Bad manners.  Lack of consideration for others in minor matters.  A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is more significant than is a riot."
                          Robert A. Heinlein ,   Friday

    aikorob

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1222 on: December 23, 2016, 06:28:24 PM »
    think I have gained new insight:
    GeorgiaFrom The Codex Kalachnikova: "He who would have you surrender your arms does so because he wishes to do something you could prevent by their usage."

    MTK20

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1223 on: December 23, 2016, 06:43:58 PM »
     :rotfl
    Texas
    Do we forget that cops were primarily still using 6 Shot Revolvers well through the mid 80's? It wasn't until after 1986 that most departments then relented and went to autos.
    Capacity wasn't really an issue then... and honestly really it's not even an issue now.
    Ray Chapman, used to say that the 125-grain Magnum load’s almost magical stopping power was the only reason to load .357 instead of .38 Special +P ammunition into a fighting revolver chambered for the Magnum round. I agree. - Massad Ayoob

    Paradoxically it is those who strive for self-reliance, who remain vigilant and ready to help others.

    coelacanth

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #1224 on: December 24, 2016, 01:42:46 AM »
     :thumbup1
    Arizona"A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness.  Bad manners.  Lack of consideration for others in minor matters.  A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is more significant than is a riot."
                          Robert A. Heinlein ,   Friday

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