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Author Topic: The Great Big Thread of Jokes  (Read 212897 times)

Stevie-Ray

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Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
« Reply #100 on: September 05, 2009, 04:39:15 PM »
How fights get started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'
she said.
So I suggested,
'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have $ex?'
'No,'
she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes.'
So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first...
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale..
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend...  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning.... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said,
'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf...  Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors... I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And then, well.....The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


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    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #101 on: September 05, 2009, 05:07:20 PM »
     :devillol

    Those are all awesome.

    Outbreak

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #102 on: September 07, 2009, 04:33:14 AM »
    Quote
    I rear-ended a car this morning.... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
    'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
    So, I looked down at him and said,
    'Well, then which one are you?'
    And then the fight started...

    I'm still laughing at that one.
    TexasOutbreak

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    I absolutely despise Glocks. That's why I only own two.

    I'm glad that your chains rest lightly upon you. --JesseL

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #103 on: September 08, 2009, 10:56:49 PM »
      Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes.
                 
                The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping
                through family photos and reminiscing."This is my oldest son, Mohamed.
                He would have been 24 now."

                The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

                The first mother says, "He's a martyr now."

                "Oh, that's so sad, my dear."

                Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second
                son, Abdul. He would be 21."

                "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

                The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr."

                "Oh gracious me!" says the second mother.
                 
                "And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18 this year."

                "Yes," says her friend enthusiastically,  "I remember when he first
                started school."

                "He's also a martyr," the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill
               with tears.

                After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
               at the photos,gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says:

                "They blow up so fast, don't they?"   

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #104 on: September 09, 2009, 12:22:22 AM »
    I'm politically-incorrectly laughing at that.  And it feels so good.  :hide
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #105 on: September 09, 2009, 01:42:02 AM »
     :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl  so bad it's awesome!
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

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    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #106 on: September 10, 2009, 02:41:24 PM »
    "They blow up so fast, don't they?"   


    BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #107 on: September 13, 2009, 12:42:19 PM »
    Nothin' like good ole Irish humor...


    Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.


    Mick says 'how you doin?'

    Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

    Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.

    They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

    Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

    Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em, what's the point of f****n' one?"

    ********************************************************************************************************************

    A  teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

    Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

    The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different....again.

    Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

    The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

    Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

    The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

    Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

    Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

    With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."


    « Last Edit: September 13, 2009, 07:36:16 PM by Stevie-Ray »

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #108 on: September 14, 2009, 02:02:49 AM »
    [drool]
    Are those gorgeous Irish chicks redheaded? 
    [/drool]
    ________________________________________________________
    A Cuban man is chatting with a European man.  The European asks him how things are going in Cuba.  "Well, I can't really complain," says the Cuban man.  And the European responds, "And by that you mean that things are neither too good or too bad, right?"  "No.  You don't seem to understand...  I JUST CAN'T F______ COMPLAIN!!!"  "I'll get shot!"
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #109 on: September 14, 2009, 05:46:57 PM »
    Nothin' like good ole Irish humor...

     :devillol

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #110 on: September 20, 2009, 05:19:56 PM »
    The half-wit

    A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
                          

    "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
    "Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

    "Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

    "That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the agent.

    "That would be me," replied the rancher.

    ****************************************************************************************************************

    The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.
     
    The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

    The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
     
    The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

    Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh,
     grow up!"

    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

    The Internists thought it was a bitter pill  to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
    the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

    The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say "no".

     In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a-holes in
     Washington.


     
     

     


    BHoff

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    No Nativity Scene in Washington this year?
    « Reply #111 on: September 28, 2009, 10:25:56 PM »
     My Father sent this to me.



    There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!


     The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the
     United States ' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any
     religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in
     the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues.

     There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #112 on: October 03, 2009, 04:20:34 AM »

    _______________________________

    Not mine, but funny:

    Quote
    Are you an economy with performance issues? If it's hard to achieve and maintain growth, maybe Stimulus is right for you. Take Stimulus once every election cycle, or whenever you're in need of economic enhancement. Economies with top-heavy debt loads and high tax burdens should not use Stimulus. Stimulus has many active ingredients, but they are poorly understood by economists. Side effects may include hyperinflation, stagnation, dollar devaluation, earmarks, excessive debt, bankruptcy, loss of jobs, growth of welfare state, expansion of nanny state, unrealized expectations, economic impotence, depression, halitosis, and sweaty palms. Stimulus has not been proven successful, so it should not be used in the hopes of achieving actual growth. Stimulus. Because all economies have performance issues.
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #113 on: October 03, 2009, 04:40:09 AM »
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Thernlund

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #114 on: October 03, 2009, 06:37:34 PM »
    Arizona  Arm yourself because no one else here will save you.  The odds will betray you, and I will replace you...

    wildsailer

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #115 on: October 03, 2009, 11:22:24 PM »
    What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
     Walk him and pitch to the rhino!

    FMJ

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #116 on: October 07, 2009, 01:17:46 AM »


    The "Ego" has landed...
    CaliforniaThere are many like it, but this one is mine.

    Stevie-Ray

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #117 on: October 07, 2009, 07:08:16 PM »

    IDIOT SIGHTINGS:
    We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large enough motor' on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.... Four is larger than two..."
    We haven't used Sears repair since.
     

    My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..
    Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
     

    I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
    From Kingman , KS .
     

    My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
    From Kansas City
     

    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
    Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
     

    The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
    She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
     

    We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
     

    I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
     

    When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS   
     

    When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said, "Cool"!


    STAY ALERT! They walk among us... they REPRODUCE..........    and they vote!!!!!
     
    *********************************************************************************************************************************

    Mexican  Oysters

    A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around
    in Mexico .
    While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
    platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
    smell was wonderful.
    He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
    The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
    Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this
    morning. A delicacy!'
    The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
    The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
    day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
    and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
    The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
    evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a
    few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
    'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
    you serve yesterday.'
    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
    Sometimes the bull wins.

    Corey

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #118 on: October 13, 2009, 02:19:22 PM »
    Coming into this thread late, but:
    lol, thats great.   

    I was told this a while ago:

    Why does mexico not have a olympic team?   Everyone who can run, jump, or swim is in America already.
     ;D

    The first time I told that joke to my wife (an immigrant from Mexico with a vicious sense of humor) she gave me this odd look for a moment and then said "so, what's the punch line?"  :facepalm

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #119 on: October 13, 2009, 08:39:22 PM »
    A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Hussein Obama is trying to gather more support for his health plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, The One starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

    As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

    The One stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

    "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

    "Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

    "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass.."

    "That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

    After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #120 on: October 13, 2009, 08:39:54 PM »
    The IRS decides to audit
    Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa
    showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
    no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win
    money gambling.

    I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
    demonstration?'

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
    ahead.'

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my
    own eye.'

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

    The auditor's jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
    other eye.'

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the
    bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
    Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to
    get nervous.

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you
    six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
    desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and
    never get a drop anywhere in between.'

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides
    there's
    no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
    mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
    the other side, so he pretty much urinates all
    over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
    been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand
    dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

    Don't Mess with Old
    People!!
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    Harm

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #121 on: October 13, 2009, 08:41:38 PM »
    The NCAA gives Pres. Obama the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game this week.

    The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has awarded President Obama the Academy Award for Best Actor for making plans to watch a movie sometime next week. 
    ArizonaIn Deo Confido

    Once more into the fray
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know
    Live and die on this day
    Live and die on this day

    Deer Hunter

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #122 on: October 15, 2009, 04:25:43 PM »
    In an Auburn University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications
     to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple - the
     candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.?
      However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was
     the requirement to be a natural born citizen.?
     In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable
     individuals from becoming president.?
      The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit
     the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a
     natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
     born by C-section?'?

      Yep, these are the same 18 year olds that just elected the new President
     of the United States.
    Author of A Faerie Bad Deal, Don't Let a Murder Rune your Knight, and more!  My first book is on Amazon, here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K70XWDU

    Leave a good word on my Goodreads page too!
    https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3279777.Dean_Kennedy

    Thernlund

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #123 on: October 15, 2009, 04:56:21 PM »
    :facepalm

    That would be funny if it weren't true.

    You just don't expect to be depressed when opening up a thread titled "The Great Big Thread of Jokes".


    -T.
    Arizona  Arm yourself because no one else here will save you.  The odds will betray you, and I will replace you...

    CameronS

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    Re: The Great Big Thread of Jokes
    « Reply #124 on: October 15, 2009, 05:22:45 PM »
    You just don't expect to be depressed when opening up a thread titled "The Great Big Thread of Jokes".

    There, there . . . let me help;)

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